Adult children keep returning home after failed relationships

[Hoolayhoo]

I'm writing as the wife of one of these adult children. I'm merely reflecting, but...

DH and his sibling, both in their late 30s, have returned home to their parents several times after relationships have failed.

He has very doting parents, who don't discuss any of the issues around why they're home again each time but merely accept them back, with open arms. Meals cooked for them, clothes washed, ticketyboo. I would say that both DH and his sibling have struggled to ever really become independent from their parents, relying on them for regular practical help all their lives through to adulthood. Their parents will even remember when their cars MOTs are, collect them after boozy nights out, give them financial advice and often, financial support.

This is odd, isn't it, that one of them returns home again every couple of years?

When I left home, my parents divorced and bought separate one bedroom flats for themselves so I never had the luxury of going home. I have had to stand on my own two feet and perhaps this is why I've ploughed all my efforts into making my marriage work. DH just seemed to give up and moved back there without much resistance after I suggested separation when all my efforts were met with apathy and resistance.

Is it pure coincidence that my ILs grown-up children keep going home? Do you think their parenting is to blame?

Actually, I disagree with LemonRoses. If you know you can run back “home” and be waited on hand and foot, effectively opting out of being a grown up, I think that’s a massive disadvantage and infantilises adult children.

Where’s the incentive to maintain a functional, healthy, rewarding relationship with your partner, accepting that you have to get on with cleaning the loo, doing the food shop and cutting the grass, when your alternative reality means your mum will do all the dull chores for you and you can concentrate on going down the pub with your mates, and spending your money on fancy bits for your bike? Where’s the self respect and respect for your parents?

LemonRoses to be fair a situation like a short term renovation wouldn’t bother me at all - that’s different from a waltzing back in and out scenario. I’d still expect them to pull their weight about the house!

I think it's nice to have a family home to go back to. When we had a major issue with our bathroom and had to suddenly have it ripped out we stayed with my parents for a few weeks while it was being done. A friend of mine sold her house just before the pandemic and then the chain above collapsed. She her husband and children moved back in with her parents while they tried to find something else, they've been there a year now and in that time her mum died, I know she's so grateful she got to spend that time with her. I think it's less common for people not to have a family home to visit our return to in times of crisis, with both parents living in one bed flats

Some leave, move in with parents to be looked after and escape responsibilities, some leave, move in with the other woman for the same reason.

Life is full of responsibilities that get too much sometimes. I think we'd all take an easy escape route if things got overwhelming.

Wanting to separate, for him to leave, is also an easier choice to make when YOU know they have somewhere to go, someone else can take on responsibility for caring about him for at least a bit...

Your husband gave up on your marriage because he didn't want to be in it anymore as much as that hurts it's not his mother's fault. Would you have wanted him to stay just because he had nowhere else to go and staying with you at least gave him a roof over his head? PIL would have DH back and mine would have me, we've had some challenging times in our relationship for various external reasons but neither of us gave up because we are invested in the marriage and each other.

No it's not odd at all.

I have always known that I could move back in with my parents if I needed to. Even now, in my late forties, I know they'd take me in. I have never needed to take advantage of that offer, but I have appreciated the security of knowing it's there. DH always had that security from his family as well, and our dd will always be welcome in our home, no matter how old she is. For me, that's just what families do.

I would expect an adult to do their own laundry, contribute to the cooking and housework etc. Tbh, teenage dd does this already. But that's a separate issue imo.

If your DH failed to make enough effort in his marriage, OP, that's his responsibility. He is an adult. Don't blame your MIL.

I don’t think you can blame the parents. The two divorced men I know (in their 50s) who went back home on a temporary basis are still there years on and their elderly parents are completely fed up and have told them but they don’t take any notice as they are saving money.

The value of having parents who would always welcome me back home with open arms really hit home for me when I volunteered at a homeless shelter as a student. I realised what it meant for people not to have that safety net, and it was a scary prospect indeed.

Having a safety net doesn't mean that you'll inevitably end up using it. I never did. It just gives you confidence that you will have somewhere to go if everything goes pear-shaped.

"He has very doting parents, who don't discuss any of the issues around why they're home again each time but merely accept them back, with open arms."

I think there is some fault in this type of parenting. The opposite approach would be a family culture where the parents got involved in their adult children's relationship issues, to find out WTF was going on, is it something that can be sorted out, is there abuse, or is it just temporary boredom etc, that can be addressed instead of walking away, as so many men do, leaving the woman and kids on their own.

Of course that type of culture was also be quite oppressive though, with people being pressured to stay in unhappy relationships. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s normal.

I did it, Ds did it, dss did it.

That’s what parents are for. They are still your mum and dad whatever your age.It’s your view of it that’s wrong.

Not the MOT though. That’s crazy.

DazzlePaintedBattlePants Sun Yes perhaps a short term planned thing is different. I don’t think having a meal cooks necessarily stops people being an adult or taking responsibility though.

I don’t expect them to ‘pull their weight’ around the house for six weeks because they are working long days and travelling. If I’m cooking anyway and my husband is putting the washing on, it’s not exactly infantilising to add them into the mix.
I see it as far more infantilising and destructive for each person to have to make their own food or launder separately. The cleaning is done anyway. What weight is there for them to pull? They’ll be busy working twelve or thirteen hour shifts as doctors and then overseeing the building works.

I’m not sure going through a tough patch makes you less of an adult either. If our son is deployed and his fiancée /wife needs some pampering or support for whatever reason, we’ll be happy to support that for a few days or even weeks too. Likewise, if she was working and travelling to work I’d be fine about doing the food shopping or washing her scrubs.

I would have a significant problem with any of them trashing their marriage, giving up work voluntarily and lying around in a feckless stew for weeks on end. Clearly if they had become very unwell and needed support, that would be a different story altogether.

I don't think the OP is entirely wrong, saying her dh left because he had an easy out. But I don't think it's why her marriage broke up, but it probably is a contributing factor.

Dh probably thought, I have a place where I am happy. If the relationship that I am in is less happy than that, I will leave.

It's a lack of commitment and rather childish. But men who feel that way often have affairs and expect a new woman to care for them; then move on to another still if necessary.

For your ex, it's a nice thing - always having a good option in his back pocket. For you, you are rid of a manchild with no resilience.

Have you not posted about this before? Your thread seems somewhat familiar.

@Hoolayhoo

You've read 2 snippets of text regarding this situation *@Northernlurker* so you are obviously best qualified to make a judgement on my true agenda here. 🙄

In a nutshell, my marriage failed because my DH wasn't motivated enough to try. My DH gave up easily because he had an easy way out.

I am really sorry that things have not worked out but do you really think your DH's commitment issues are because he has parents who welcome him with open arms when he is having problems? I really think that is an overly simplistic view. Also would you really want him to stay just because he has nowhere else to go?

If your DH was not motivated to try, I think the reasons for that are likely to be much more complicated and possibly more painful to contemplate than being the fault of the type of parenting he has.

I am really not trying to be cruel at all and I know how tempting it is to blame something outside the relationship but the most likely scenario is that if your DH is not willing to try then it is because he does not want to be in the relationship.

I left my childhood home at the age of 20, when I got married. As far as my parents were concerned, they'd done their bit and now it was up to me and my DH to look after ourselves and stand on our own two (or rather, four!) feet.
It was never an option to return to my parents' home if things didn't work out. I'm not sure what I would have done, to be honest. Perhaps that's one of the reasons why we stayed together!