Do you regret not having had more children now that yours are adults?

[FranklinHot]

It's easy to feel like young children are hard work -I have two who are still in infants. After much back and forth and for various reasons, mostly due to difficulties conceiving, prior miscarriages, the fact that I find parenting quite stressful and emotionally taxing (no specific issues, it just feels full on and I tend towards worrying/over thinking/ anxiety), worry that one more child would make my parenting worse and also have a feeling that I've somehow used up my quota of baby dust in having two happy and healthy children when for a long time I really worried I would never have any, and then maybe not a second. I worry that trying for another would be spinning the wheel of all the unknowns of conception, pregnancy, birth etc once too often. (I know that this is probably mostly irrational given how low the risk of problems are even if you've had issues before and are over 40, but still....)

But I worry that when I'm late 50s with both kids potentially away at uni, or maybe even sooner when they're teens who mostly want to hang out with friends, I'll regret not having had one more. And once they're adults, will two be enough?

The upsides of staying with two are clear but I do worry I'm missing a chance and might regret it when older. Any advice? Did anyone feel like this and get past it and not look back later down the line.

The world is massively over populated. Remember the old saying “only replace yourself” x

But your third would eventually grow up and leave home too remember. I did have that third late addition (when I was 41). Don’t get me wrong it’s been amazing, he is the adored baby of the family, but I’m in my 50s and totally knackered! I don’t have much free time, and if I hadn’t had the third I would probably be living my life quite differently now, I would definitely be much better off financially!
There’s no right or wrong but you need to be 100% certain that it’s right for all of you to increase the family. It would need to be for the right reasons, and you also need to consider the long term effects on everyone.

Two children is a good family, in my opinion. I think you're thinking of having another for the wrong reasons. At some point you could have a third, or fourth, or fifth and they will all eventually become adults and leave. Empty nest syndrome is a very under-recognised issue and it's so hard to deal with - speaking from experience here. For various reasons I had one child and despite having me having a very fulfilling career and lovely husband at various times over the past decade I have found it very hard not being able to see her as much as I would like. But you have to realise that your job is bringing them up to being fully functioning adults and you have done your job well if that is the case. We have helped our daughter with a deposit for a property, been supportive when things have been difficult for her, and generally I think been ok parents. You don't always get the relationship you deserve with adult kids but have to hope for the best. In our case she asked us to move nearer, we have a great relationship with her and her husband and look after our grandson a couple of times a week. So yes, there has been heartache at times, but feel blessed now that we are fully involved.

No. There was a stage when I wanted another, but that’s a natural feeling, not necessarily one you need to act on. It’s about accepting that life changes, things change and that part of your life is finished and gone. Time to move on.

My third child was a happy accident. My others were 2 and 4 when she was born. She was very laid back easy baby and it didn't feel like extra work. If I had a bigger gap, I think it would have been more difficult as we adjusted our family life as they grew up together. So things like bath, school run, bedtimes were done together and we had a nice routine. I think it's difficult when your kids are a bit older and your time is taken up with a baby again. However, now I'm in my 50s, I wish I'd had another

My two are adults and I do not regret having more.

Correction-I do not regret not having more.

No. Certainly not during lockdown when we have 3 adults trying to work from home while the fourth has to hide in his bedroom when not at work because there is literally no other space in the house.

Yes, there was a brief period when I did long for a third, but with hindsight that would not have been a good idea for us: our money and time has been needed to deal with the children we have.

I am now in my late 50s and I really don't know how having 3 children would have saved me from the obvious fact that children grow up and lead their own lives (even if temporarily forced home by pandemics). This is a time of life when you (the parent) have to learn to be self-sufficient.

Absolutely not. The thought of going through it all again for a third time? No thanks. Even with two I did a school run for 8 years that was plenty.

At 19 and 21 they are both self sufficient adults and doing their own thing.
I don't see how having a younger teen or two as well now would make my life any better. They are expensive and time consuming.

I think it's really important to continue to have ambition for yourself, whether that's in terms of career or just things you'd like to do or achieve, even if those things take a back seat during the early years. You don't want to be relying on your children to give you a fulfilling life. There are too many variables and having more doesn't mean you're more likely to hit the jackpot . Late 50's is still enough time to have a whole other life.

I have two adult children and I absolutely do not regret having more.

I didn’t have children to stop me from being lonely, nor did I stop having a personality or an identity of my own just because I had children. When they went to uni or grew up and got busy wanting to hang out with friends I didn’t feel lonely or bereft - I filled my time with lots of things that I enjoy and didn’t miss the hand-on nature of parenting even one little bit. I certainly would never entertain the idea that I should have a ‘spare’ for when the first two grew up...I don’t think it’s healthy to have that dynamic with your children. Plus, no matter how many children you have, you’d always have one that is the last one and you’d find yourself back in that place again...

Growing up is hard these days - much harder (or at least difficult in some very different, very challenging ways) than it was in previous generations and children need their parents’ support in the teenage to young adulthood phases much more than they might have done a couple of generations ago. The world really is not set up for young people to succeed now unless they are very fortunate.

I would not want to do it again. I got my two girls through their respective choppy waters and settled them well into adulthood. They are healthy, well balanced and starting out on their life’s journeys with plenty of support from me. It would have been much harder to do that had I had one or more younger children taking up all my time and headspace.

*Hands-on

I'm reassured by your responses, thanks.
But still feeling uneasy about empty nesting / letting go really.
I guess part of me thinks more kids means you have more chance of having your children being close to you as adults, but I guess it doesn't always work out that way.

@FranklinHot

I'm reassured by your responses, thanks. But still feeling uneasy about empty nesting / letting go really. I guess part of me thinks more kids means you have more chance of having your children being close to you as adults, but I guess it doesn't always work out that way.

The best way to have your children close to you as adults is to spend time and have fun with them now as children. Build brilliant relationships now with the children you already have.

@FranklinHot I am one of three. My DM and DF were closest to one sibling in particular who has very sadly died in early adulthood. The two of us remaining have less close relationships with our parents. Just posting to show that you never know what is round the corner. As a PP says, best bet is to be the best parent you can. Personally I think less can be more, easier to divide attention amongst fewer kids and have better relationships than be spread very thinly across more, especially if you find it challenging.

LemonsYellow I agree with you, and the impact a third child would have on my ability to spend time with and build relationships with my existing two children is one reason I feel it is best to stop at two for me.

Maybe others have more emotional capacity or aren't so worried about haven't time with their offspring, or feel less stress by having to split them time more ways?

I'm 50 with a nearly 18 year old and a 15 year old. I cannot wait for the freedom that I will eventually, finally get in about 6 years. Omg, such a long wait. I want to be able to go on solo holidays, go away for the weekend, do a yoga retreat. I'm a single parent though so I'm dying for freedom to get out of the house and go and live. I guess when you're married, you're pretty home-based and you need more going on at home.

The world is massively over populated. Remember the old saying “only replace yourself”

I do agree with this to a degree - obviously if we were all prioritising saving the planet over having children then we would have chosen not to have had any at all & would be hanging off the edge of a Greenpeace ship watching the ice caps melt...Nonetheless, just replacing yourself (unless unusual circumstances merit it somehow) seems the ethically responsible choice.

Plus as it happens, two is plenty for me, parenting in general is emotionally exhausting, guilt inducing & trust me - the worry of the teenage years make the baby/toddler stage seem like a breeze!

I am 60 and the DC are 22 and 26 now and arrived after many miscarriages and too many pgs that reached the 2nd trimester. It was a struggle to have two and if I'd had another (I can't say three because ds was born and died at 27 weeks) I would not have had my second career.

However, not having another child is my greatest regret.

RosesandHellebores I'm so sorry for your painful path to motherhood and the loss of your baby son.
Did you always want more than two children or did it become more of a regret as they got older?

@FranklinHot

LemonsYellow I agree with you, and the impact a third child would have on my ability to spend time with and build relationships with my existing two children is one reason I feel it is best to stop at two for me.

Maybe others have more emotional capacity or aren't so worried about haven't time with their offspring, or feel less stress by having to split them time more ways?

We don't have to have exactly the same emotional capacity and path in life as somebody else. My mother had 4 children and had no difficulty finding time for all. For me, 2 was the right number. Mum and I are not in competition.

I do regret. A little.
We had two and a small part of me wanted more. But we made a definite decision to only replace ourselves. Best thing you can do for the planet and all that.
Both are now young adults and I so hope at least one of them produces a small human or two!

And absolutely what everybody else has said about building strong relationships with your children now.

Also building a separate life of outside interests for yourself.

We wanted lots of children, at least three and certainly four.

And perhaps I should also say that not having the strength or courage to have another pg is my greatest regret. I regret it more now than when they were small.