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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

Do you regret not having had more children now that yours are adults?

63 replies

FranklinHot · 07/02/2021 10:31

It's easy to feel like young children are hard work -I have two who are still in infants. After much back and forth and for various reasons, mostly due to difficulties conceiving, prior miscarriages, the fact that I find parenting quite stressful and emotionally taxing (no specific issues, it just feels full on and I tend towards worrying/over thinking/ anxiety), worry that one more child would make my parenting worse and also have a feeling that I've somehow used up my quota of baby dust in having two happy and healthy children when for a long time I really worried I would never have any, and then maybe not a second. I worry that trying for another would be spinning the wheel of all the unknowns of conception, pregnancy, birth etc once too often. (I know that this is probably mostly irrational given how low the risk of problems are even if you've had issues before and are over 40, but still....)

But I worry that when I'm late 50s with both kids potentially away at uni, or maybe even sooner when they're teens who mostly want to hang out with friends, I'll regret not having had one more. And once they're adults, will two be enough?

The upsides of staying with two are clear but I do worry I'm missing a chance and might regret it when older. Any advice? Did anyone feel like this and get past it and not look back later down the line.

OP posts:

MissyB1 · 08/02/2021 08:12

My mum and dad had 6 of us. Unfortunately mum did not have the emotional capacity or mental strength to cope with 6
And being the youngest I suffered the most as she was totally drowning by then.

StillGoingToWork · 08/02/2021 08:13

I thought I'd have 2 or 3 but I stayed at one because the experience was terrifying (traumatic birth) and I hated babyhood. The cost of childcare crippled me financially. I live in a 2-bed flat in London and finances dictate I cannot afford anywhere bigger. So no, I don't regret having just one.

DD is in her mid-teens now and I rarely see her as she's either homeschooling or talking to her friends on Zoom in her bedroom! I am under no illusions that as she gets older she'll pull away further. Her dad and I will have to insist she visits at least once a week when she leaves home.

I think I agree with pp, it's nice to replace yourself on the planet but unless you feel a great urge to have 2 or more children it's no longer necessary, not least because we have contraception and good healthcare in the UK. In victorian times large families were common because of a lack of these things.

speaksofty · 08/02/2021 08:30

We had two, now teens, I am extremely relieved I did not have more (We planned on three and changed our minds thankfully) We have done a good job with our children, but anymore would have sent me over the edge. Lots can happen once you hit your 40s, we have lost two parents, a sibling, been made redundant, moved locations and had a number of very serious health problems. When you are young, and the kids are babies you can not see what lies ahead and everything feels easy and relaxed. Life for most people does not stay like that, and really serious things happen - at the worst possible time usually.

ALL of your children, if you have done a good job will become independent, fully functioning humans sooner rather than later, and clinging on to children to feel a void in your own life won't work for long, and will become toxic for your children. I suggest counselling to get to the bottom of why you feel you need to fill up your life with distractions.

Roselilly36 · 08/02/2021 08:36

My two are 19 & nearly 18. No regrets of not having more. Before I had DS2 I did wonder if I might have had a third, but he was such a difficult baby, no way could I have gone through that again. And probably just as well as I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, completely out of the blue when they were still little.

Stickytreacle · 08/02/2021 08:43

I have no regrets having two children. My son and daughter are like my best friends and I enjoy family get togethers as well as doing my own thing, travelling when I want to, being more financially stable etc. Plus watching friends and family who have babies it reminds me just how much work kids are!
I also had a child with a life threatening illness, the trauma and worry of that isn't something I'd want to go through again. Parenting gets harder as you get older I think, I think it's normal to have a real desire for more as you approach menopause, I know I did, but I'm so glad I didn't.
The world is also very different from when I raised my two, I'm not confident I'd be happy bringing children into it now.
You could have ten children and they'd all leave and work abroad or whatever, it doesn't guarantee that they will always be with you, and raising confident independent individuals rather than companions is important for them.

cathybates · 08/02/2021 08:50

I’m struggling with this at the moment. Have a 29 month old and a 3.5 month old. Am 42 so late to the party in terms of having kids. DH is a bit younger (37) but doesn’t want a third. I think I want a third. But am also scared of going through another pregnancy (if we were lucky enough), the increased chances of disability, the exhausting nature of young children and also the financial impact.

The sensible thing is not to have a third, and we probably won’t. But I can’t stop thinking about it

Sparklingbrook · 08/02/2021 08:52

@cathybates

The sensible thing is not to have a third, and we probably won’t. But I can’t stop thinking about it

I think when they are little having a third little person seems more doable possibly? But once you get into the school years and the hobby phases it starts to look a bit different. A few years after that you are looking at three teenagers/young adults in your house and all that entails. It gets more complicated the bigger they get,

Missingthebridegene · 08/02/2021 08:53

I have two DSC and one DD and we'd like another. Four is a lot of children (as three feels like!!!) but I'm looking forward to the idea of having a big family when we're older. I feel that we'll never be lonely having so many adult children. BUT I also worry sometimes! What if all our kids had three kids!? 12 grandchildren!? I worry how we'd support them all equally with childcare etc....pros and cons to smaller and larger families. In general for me though two would be perfect. They all eventually leave and even if you had six kids you may not necessarily see them regularly! X

speaksofty · 08/02/2021 09:06

I feel that we'll never be lonely having so many adult children

Honestly children are not born to serve their parents, and stop them being lonely!!!!
Children are entitled to their own lives, wherever in the world they wish to live and are not born to provide entertainment for their parents. Get a hobby folks, but don't use kids for your own needs like that. It sounds narcissistic and toxic, and you only have to read the threads on here to know where it will lead.

Maassi · 08/02/2021 09:09

Late 40s with adult children (25 and 22).

Sometimes I do feel broody when I see friends and family with little 'uns and imagine being needed in that way again and wish I'd had more.

But equally I'm very grateful for the life I have with them.

cathybates · 08/02/2021 09:13

@Sparklingbrook - yes, that’s a good point, I actually stupidly hadn’t thought that far ahead. I’m hoping the desire passes, guess I’m hurtling towards the menopause/last chance saloon which makes you kind of want to keep going. But 2 is hard enough, esp during a pandemic!!

I need to have a word with myself

Fifthtimelucky · 08/02/2021 09:41

I'm very nearly 60 and have two children aged 23 and 21. I would have liked more ideally, but we left it quite late and thought a third was pushing our luck. Also my husband was very keen not to have a third. He is 10 years older than me and would have been 50 by the time we'd had a 3rd. We agreed to stop.

Looking back, we definitely made the right decision, though I still would have preferred a larger family in theory. If we'd been younger when we had started that might have been different, but we weren't and things were definitely easier with two (practically and financially) than they would have been with three.

RaininSummer · 08/02/2021 09:58

I am more than happy with my two and have never thought about life with a third child.

Haffdonga · 08/02/2021 11:34

We have 2 young adults and now they are living their own independent lives (one mainly in another country) we miss the family noise and havoc desperately. We would love to have another 1 or 2 still at home with us and wish we could have been a Walton's style crowd.
BUT I know in my heart of hearts more dc would've been disastrous for our family. We didnt have the money. I only just about coped being a good enough mum to the 2 we have. We went through some very stressful years. More DC in the mix and we'd all have suffered and likely our marriage wouldn't have made it. It's so easy to look back and think if only but we made the right decision for us at the time.

dotty12345 · 08/02/2021 12:05

I had my third when my other two were 18 and 15. I've now had a child at home for 37 years and it's frankly bloody hard work putting up with teenage tantrums as a single mum in your late 50's! I'm really lonely too because though we live in the same house he doesn't want to spend time with me but I can't form a support bubble as we are a two adult household! I love him to pieces but it's not easy!

HildegardNightingale · 08/02/2021 15:42

@RosesAndHellebores, I couldn’t read that and not send you some .

ProfYaffle · 08/02/2021 15:56

I'm lucky in that I wanted 2 dc and had 2 dc. I have always thought that having 3 or 4 adult children would be lovely but I knew that I wasn't capable of being a good Mum to more than 2 small children.

wrt empty nest syndrome I agree with this pp "clinging on to children to feel a void in your own life won't work for long, and will become toxic for your children" Mine are 14 and 16 now, as they get older it's really important to fill your life with other things (for me that was going back to work). It's beneficial to you and them. I enjoy my dc's increased independence, it's a joy to behold and I love getting my freedom back too.

Original poster

FranklinHot · 08/02/2021 19:53

Haffdonga and ProfYaffle
I think the now vs the future feelings are the same as I have. Love the idea of a bigger number of adult offspring but the thought of raising them all feels a stretch. And a 3rd for me would mean pregnancy and birth in my early 40s and managing a spread of ages spanning 10 years which feels like added pressure and juggling (though at two school would mean dedicated time with any new baby).

I just hope two stay close to us as and each other.

OP posts:

OllietheOwl · 08/02/2021 19:58

I’ve got two (both still v young) and that is my lot. I sometimes pang for another, especially when I see a newborn! But I’m spread thinly even over just two kids - sometimes when I’m with my 1 year old I see my 3 year old looking at us wishing she could join in (I do my best to include them both but they obvs have different needs sometimes). If I had another I’d be even more stretched and my eldest would probably get less attention.
Two is definitely enough for me.

Ibizafun · 10/02/2021 15:58

I’m early 50’s with two adult children and had the same dilemma as you years ago. The way I feel now is who knows how many healthy carefree years we will have in middle/old age? My parents are elderly now so I worry about them.

The thought of being on the school run still sends shivers down my spine.

KylieKangaroo · 10/02/2021 21:39

I'm due my second and this will be it for me definitely! I'm not cut out to be a Mum of 3, not even sure if I'm cut out to be a Mum of 2

I live right near my parents OP and we are really close, I think you can't plan for the future how close your kids will be so best to plan your own life as others say. I'm already planning my Julia Roberts Eat Pray Love gap year for when I'm in my 50s and 60s

whatcangowrong · 11/02/2021 13:21

I would have more for their sake not my own... I think a gang is wonderful, I'm from a big family. To me 2 seems boring. I only have one so far and like you I probably can't have 3 without a lot of strife on the infertility front.

borageforager · 11/02/2021 13:26

I haven’t read all the responses but this was the conversation I had with my dad when I was thinking about a 3rd. He said from his perspective in his 60s the more the better, because your family disperses & the more connections the better. My dad was one of 5, 4 of whom left their home country! I did have 3, but because I want a bigger family in childhood, not just in adulthood. I’m not sure it really necessarily makes that much of a difference to your later years, so many variables.

Purplewithred · 11/02/2021 13:27

Yes. I have two grown up now, and I envy my friends who have more. I really like the two I have and more like them would be even better.

But I only started feeling this when the youngest hit adulthood. At the time I pushed out #2 it was definitely "that's it! no more!"

Cindersrellie · 11/02/2021 13:27

Is there anyone here with one grown up child who doesn't (or does) regret sticking with one?

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