Why does my mum stop me from drinking even though I'm 18?

[Kyle19]

I'm struggling to convince my mum that I'm responsible enough to decide when to have a drink. She never has an issue with it on Friday and Saturday nights. She says she does it because 1. She thinks if she gave me that responsibility I'd drink myself half to death every night, which is absolutely not true, and 2. As I'm still living at home I she has the right to stop me (never heard of that before). Admittedly, I can be quite immature and I have made some big mistakes with alcohol before but I like to think I've now learned from those lessons and that I'm responsible enough to know how often to have a drink and when to call it a night. She also said that when the pubs/bars/clubs reopen and I decide to go out, I won't be allowed back home that night. She says she wants to keep the house safe (which it would be, I have a key, there is a safe, and I've never been stupid enough to forget to lock the door) and she doesn't want me coming home throwing up "god knows where". I think that will be quite embarrassing to have to tell my friends when they start inviting me out.

Any advice please? Thanks in advance 🙂

I’d imagine it will be a few months before bars etc reopen so forget about it till then

I can be quite immature and I have made some big mistakes with alcohol - there’s your answer , your mum is scared you’ll repeat those mistakes again . Would you want/like to drink every evening? or why Fri and Sat is not enough?

You can choose not to drink, show your mum you are capable of going bout and coming home sober and she will start to trust you again. It sounds like she has been very upset by the mistakes you made in the past.

As a mum with older children i can relate to your mum, in a nutshell she is trying to protect you and finding it hard to let go. The worry when your child, no matter how old, is out living an adult life can be very stressful for parents and it isnt always about not trusting you, its about not trusting others....however, your dm may have gone to the extreme..your mum will have to have confidence in you to take care of yourself and this is something you will have to prove..it will take time, especially if you have made a few mistakes in the past. Perhaps when you go out you could send regular texts to ur mum..i no no-one wants to do this on a night out but if it helps put your mums mind at ease till she adjusts to you socialising itl be worth it.

I am 38 and my mum still gets humpy when I have a drink. Lots are like that.

ThePianist38 I might decide to have a drink on an occasional weekday but there's no way I'd drink every night. It's not even about not being allowed to drink more often, it's just not having the freedom to make my own decisions that I'm frustrated about.

This thread has some weirdly balanced responses. It's like everyone took a rationale pill! It feels weird....

Anyway I agree, it sounds like your Mum is struggling to let go. My DCs are still relatively little and I worry about this stage already.

A lot would depend what those mistakes with alcohol were.

For example, getting drunk and throwing up when you got in from a house party aged 16 is different to habitual drinking aged 17/18 to the point where alcohol was negatively affecting your relationships with friends and family and led you to be in very vulnerable situations.

Imagine your Mum was the one with the history of some big mistakes around alcohol.

Would you not put some boundaries in place in your own home?

A lot to do with what your previous behaviour has been like but also what your mum's general attitude towards alcohol is and what she wants to see in her house.

My parents were teetotal, pretty well, so we just accepted we wouldn't be drinking while we still lived at home. They didn't want alcohol or drunkenness about the house and that was that.

In the same way, I have told my children I do not want weed in the house. I don't mind them drinking (though I'd rather they didn't disturb me or make a mess) but I really do not want weed.

If your mum is generally relaxed about alcohol then it's probably to do with those big mistakes. How much worry and inconvenience did you cause her?

I can be quite immature and I have made some big mistakes with alcohol

You've answered your own question. You have a track record for idiocy, of course your mother doesn't want to deal with that in her home.

it's just not having the freedom to make my own decisions that I'm frustrated about.

Then move out. Your mother has every right to make rules about what goes on in her home.

You are free to make whatever choice you wish. But you need to show financial independence and support yourself in your own home. Whilst it is your mums house ans she pays the bills, it is her decision on what behaviour she tolerates/accepts from those who live there.

My son is 18. If he wants to regulalry get drunk he will need to move out. I have young children who do not need to see that kind of behaviour.

If you've made bad choices while under the influence, she's probably worried you're going to do that again.
Especially now we're in lockdown and your living at home, she's well within her rights to say that she doesn't want to put up with drunken behaviour throughout the week.

If she's happy for you to have a drink on a Friday/Saturday then stick to that (occasionally, don't drink every weekend or at any chance you get.)
Show your mum that you know your limits and can behave once you've had a drink.
Maybe then she'll change her mind regarding nights out.

If not, maybe now's the time for you to start saving up and look at moving out.

Oh that's littered with mistakes. Will teach me for not wearing my glasses.
Your = you're and so on...

You get the gist.

If my mother had tried to tell me that I was not allowed to consume alcohol when I was legally an adult, she would have got a very blunt two-word response. In fairness to her, she knew this very well, so she didn’t try.

Tell her to do one, OP. Politely at first, then less politely if necessary.

AgeLikeWine
What a charming attitude.

If the OP doesn't like living under her mother's roof and prioritises alcohol then she is free to get her own place

It’s just about balance and trust . Also 18, living at home, worried what your friends think is still quite young.
Drinking at your age should surely be a social thing, when with your friends , why do you feel the need to drink alone in the house ?
It’s your mums house , you want harmony , she’s compromising with weekends meet her half way and let go of the weekday drinking .
As if when you go out , show her you can come home sensible, binge drinking culture is changing .

@AgeLikeWine
Absolutely , how lovely you sound.
At 18 I doubt my parents would have told me what to do or not to do. However I hadn’t made silly mistakes , was independent and boring and reliable.
My sister still needed ground rules until she was 32.... and understandably so.

Your mum sounds very controlling and unreasonable. It will damage your relationship and when you do finally get freedom you are more likely to be drawn to risky behaviours. Are you at university/due to go? That will give you freedom from your overbearing mother.

It’s her house , unless you are paying going rate rent for the area then it’s her rules that take precedence, if you don’t like it move out .

PS…the mistakes I have made include throwing up in the toilets of a pub which was hosting my stepdad's 50th birthday party, which he came to clean up and I was then taken home. They've always said they don't mind me having fun, but there's a time and a place. They said they think it's important to introduce us to alcohol from the age of about 13-14 just to get us used to it and to make sure we don't go completely mad when we're legal. They said before I was 18 that the restricted me so much because they wanted me to understand the cost of it, but now, when I'm buying my own drink, it's no different

I think it might be just her way of trying to encourage me not to go out as she's scared I'll embarrass myself the same way I did before, except in front of my friends. All of my friends are people that I work with, I've always struggled socially and it's only since I've started working with them at the pre-school that I've realised I just get on much better with women. In a way I suppose you could say I made those previous mistakes because I was stupid enough to think it would impress all the younger people at that birthday party, when really I just made a fool out of myself.

Can you stay at a friend's house after a night out?

To be honest I can see her point about not wanting a drunk adult child in the house. My DD doesn't drink very often but I've hated it when she has come home and thrown up. If it was a frequent thing I would definitely be having words with her.

Do you have younger siblings?

I was lucky I moved out at 17 so I could do what I want and make my stupid drunken mistakes out of the view of my mum! Are you planning on leaving home anytime soon ?

Move out. Problem sorted.