Why does my mum stop me from drinking even though I'm 18?

[Kyle19]

I'm struggling to convince my mum that I'm responsible enough to decide when to have a drink. She never has an issue with it on Friday and Saturday nights. She says she does it because 1. She thinks if she gave me that responsibility I'd drink myself half to death every night, which is absolutely not true, and 2. As I'm still living at home I she has the right to stop me (never heard of that before). Admittedly, I can be quite immature and I have made some big mistakes with alcohol before but I like to think I've now learned from those lessons and that I'm responsible enough to know how often to have a drink and when to call it a night. She also said that when the pubs/bars/clubs reopen and I decide to go out, I won't be allowed back home that night. She says she wants to keep the house safe (which it would be, I have a key, there is a safe, and I've never been stupid enough to forget to lock the door) and she doesn't want me coming home throwing up "god knows where". I think that will be quite embarrassing to have to tell my friends when they start inviting me out.

Any advice please? Thanks in advance 🙂

What's your drink of choice? There's usually a difference between a glass or 2 of wine & a few cheeky vimtos or whatever alcopop type things the young uns are necking now.

Prove yourself to be restrained & you'll win her over

Gingerkittykat I suppose I could but I wouldn't want to put any of them in the position where they'd feel obliged to let me. I'm 18 year old man and all my friends are women who are older than me (I know, quite unusual). So most of my friends also have children. They all know about the situation and I think they can relate to it from both of our point of views but they don't want to end up annoying my mum. I'm oldest of 6, got 2 brothers, 3 and 4, and three sisters, 6, 7, and 17 but the eldest has moved out.

titchy I'd love to move out but I'm still at college studying childcare, therefore I don't work, and I won't be until September 2021. My mum said I can live here rent free until then.

Buckeejit I mainly drink beer and cider, but sometimes I may have the odd glass of wine or G&T. Very rare that I'll touch anything else, and if I ever do it won't be at home

Start relating to your mum in more of a grown up way in general and then she'll see a more mature person who can behave responsibly.

It is hard transitioning from a parent/child relationship to an adult/adult relationship. It's weird to shift a dynamic that has been in place for 18 years.
Behave like an adult in general and she's more likely to see you as one. This includes things such as clearing up without being asked - even if it's not your mess, doing things that are needed to be done, again without being asked and responding maturely when the conversation/discussion isn't going your way, rather than responding in a probably learnt, odd habit way. It's difficult.

Ask her to trust you for a week or set period of time, and prove to her she can trust you.

I know that it's mainly because of the mistakes I've made before, but I've learned from them. I just don't know how to prove it.

My stepdad is just the same. I've lived in this house for 12 years, him for 7. He seems to think I have a problem with alcohol, and I think it's him who's influencing my mum's decisions that I've been talking about. He drinks twice as much as I do but seems to get annoyed half the time when I ask if it's ok to have one. Sometimes I get nervous about even asking as I never know how he's going to respond. I'm not sure wether they're really unpredictable, I'm really awkward or both

When did you make these mistakes? I mean you are still 18 so presumably the pub throwing up incident was recently? I would expect to be expected to avoid booze for at least a year after that doozey.

Though I had a similar incident around that age involving cider and a bus xD ... ...my mum didn't ban me drinking but I've never drank cider since that day xD I can't even have someone near me drink it.

At 18 I only ever drank too get drunk though. I mean, what's the point in it otherwise tbf? :)

Have a cola. Less hastle....and less puke.

I think it depends the nature of the mistakes. I have a 20 year old son and I've never stopped him drinking alcohol - rightly or wrongly I didn't mind him drinking underage as long as he was sensible and respected our house and family - so no rolling in at 3am when he was 16, throwing up on the carpet. If he was drunk enough to puke and made it to the bathroom, well then the hangover and feeling shitty was his problem and he would learn the hard way. However he has always been sensible with it and although i have seen him tipsy, he has never been unsafe or got into trouble with the police. I would be less relaxed if I didn't think he was sensible.

The only way to prove you are sensible is unfortunately to demonstrate you know your limits, which is tough when your mum doesn't trust you to drink and show her you have learned from the past. Lots of people on this forum will probably think that my approach is irresponsible but it is the way my parents brought me and my sister up, and neither of us have ever had any issues with alcohol but who knows if that is because of or in spite of our experiences? I hope you and your mum can sort it out, it must be frustrating for you both to be at loggerheads.

When you say you're nervous about asking to have a drink do mean you're wanting to drink at home, not just on a night out? If so, why, when you know it bothers them?

I'd completely stop mentioning alcohol at all for a while - show them that you are able to be trusted and are able to relax/have fun without it. Then perhaps slowly introduce the idea of a night out where you might have one of two drinks.

To be honest, drinking and getting drunk is very overrated imo - you're not missing much and it'll save you a load of money.

Your step-dad spent his 50th birthday clearing up your vomit? No wonder they are unimpressed.

Stop sulking. Buy the alcohol. Put it in your room, drink it there, or when they’re not in, and dispose of the evidence....

Hardly rocket science.

Bunnymumy I was drinking underage in the pub, I had just turned 17. It was a private party.

You were sick at your step dads party? No wonder your mum is concerned.

You either A) stick with your mums rules as it's her house or B) get a job and pay rent in your own place with your own rules. Really simple.

Try this

‘I’m not going out to drink. I’m going out to see my friends, however I understand you have issues trusting me because of the past so this time I won’t drink but I will be in a pub. Can we agree that if you are happy that I have stuck to it, in the future we can consider me having 1-2 beers during the week with my friends on an occasional basis?’

Agree a way you can build trust in a mature way

When you ask for a drink - are you asking for theirs or do you buy your own? Drink is expensive & you're already not paying any rent so maybe that is an issue.

Either way make sure you are mature in your outlook, are you earning any money yourself? Ask them for a chat about it after a period of no drama

No I don't work, I'm still at college right now so I get my money from my parents. I don't just get it for nothing though. If I just sat around doing nothing for an entire week then I wouldn't get anything though. Before I turned 18 they would buy me a big box of 20ish bottles and they would have to last me a month. Now I just buy my own and they don't really care how much I buy or how much money I spend, I'm just only allowed to drink at weekends or occasionally during the week when my stepdad decides to.

Buy your own alcohol. If you're drinking their alcohol in their house, then they've every right to stop you.

You also need to show them that you are aware of your limit and that you don't always have to get drunk when you're drinking.

Prepare for the backlash for mentioning that you drank in a pub at 17 though OP.

I think your parents are being very liberal to be honest.
They pay for you and have given you chances to show that you can be responsible with alcohol and at a big occasion you blew it.
You can drink at weekends but why do you feel the need to drink during the week?
If you have no problem with drink then a couple on a weekend should be enough.
Wanting to drink so you aren't embarrassed in front of friends is an immature reason.
Alcohol is expensive.
Your mum is doing you a lot of favours as you're living rent free and with an allowance so respecting her rules is the mature thing to do especially as you have younger siblings to set and example to.
When you can get a part time job that works around college to help broaden you friendship group,drink lessat home(and don't tell them,just let them notice) and you'll find that you will gain their trust again.
Be mature and don't blow it(until you leave home)

This is a wild stab in the dark, but could this have anything to do with your biological dad and his behaviour with alcohol? Is he still in your life at all?

Just drink in your room.

Or when they're out.
Buy alcohol with your own money and stash it in your room. Buy yourself a mini fridge of you like.

I'm not really sure why you are in this pickle, when it's so easily solved

Shookbelves Yes I still see my real dad, before I turned 18 it was really quite hard to convince him to let me have a drink because (he told me this himself) my stepmum can be quite opinionated on u18s drinking, wether it's at home or not. Now I'm 18 though he doesn't really seem bothered about it, in fact he's probably a bad influence

Your dad shouldn't have undermined his partner by passing the buck on under age drinking. Saying 'DS I'd let you but DP says no...' is childish and immature.

What is it about midweek drinking that makes you feel the need to fight this battle? It's not the norm for 18 year olds to want to sit at home drinking on their own midweek in their parents' house. If I heard any of my 18 year old 6th formers were sitting at home drinking midweek rather than enjoying a social drink with friends at the weekend then that would be a welfare concern.

I dont get why you're on this site. Shouldn't you ask this in the student room?

I still don't understand why you have this easily resolved issue