Why does my mum stop me from drinking even though I'm 18?

[Kyle19]

I'm struggling to convince my mum that I'm responsible enough to decide when to have a drink. She never has an issue with it on Friday and Saturday nights. She says she does it because 1. She thinks if she gave me that responsibility I'd drink myself half to death every night, which is absolutely not true, and 2. As I'm still living at home I she has the right to stop me (never heard of that before). Admittedly, I can be quite immature and I have made some big mistakes with alcohol before but I like to think I've now learned from those lessons and that I'm responsible enough to know how often to have a drink and when to call it a night. She also said that when the pubs/bars/clubs reopen and I decide to go out, I won't be allowed back home that night. She says she wants to keep the house safe (which it would be, I have a key, there is a safe, and I've never been stupid enough to forget to lock the door) and she doesn't want me coming home throwing up "god knows where". I think that will be quite embarrassing to have to tell my friends when they start inviting me out.

Any advice please? Thanks in advance 🙂

He's perfectly entitled to ask here. He even said s in the "correct" board.

As a parent of a 17yo teen, this is what I would say:

• you have proven that you don't always know when to stop. Ending up throwing up in the pub's loo was going way over board.

• you don't mention any other time you have been going out since the b'day incident. I will make a wild guess that you went out and came back drunk. I can't see any other reason why your mum and sepfather would say that you have an issue with alcohol. PLease fee free to prove me wrong. (Note not being sick doesn't mean you werent drunk or that you were actually more resonnable re your drinking)

• I suspect that the b'day incident was not the only incident. Again why would your mum expect you to come back home and be sick??

• And yes you are an adult but as YOU said quite immature. he is treating according to your maturity age, which is fair enough. I wouod advise you to 'grow up' (aka mature a bit) and she will start treating you differently.

• The one thing to remember is that your mum is trying to protect you. If your only issue is that it would be 'embarrassing to tell your friend' then I can see why she isnt keen. Because you haven't really learnt your lessons if this is how you think.

Fwiw, I gather that you are still having a drink during the week at home. If you want to prove to your mum you have changed, start by drinking less at home. When you drink, have ONE drink and then stop.
Propose to your parents to have few beers/cider at home and manage t control your drinking level. And remeber that your aim shouodnt be to not be sick. It should be not to drunk!

yes at 18 you are an adult but it's your parents house so they can still make the rules
I'm 50+ but when we go to my parents for a short holiday we do things their way, they like people to be dressed for breakfast they don't do nightwear downstairs ( unless you need a drink in the night or early morning cuppa) to be honest people eating toast in pyjamas doesn't bother me but it does them so I don't make it an issue
When I was living at home it was strictly no visitors whether friends boyfriends or family upstairs, when it got to the stage of a boyfriend visiting it was separate rooms
if your parents say no alcohol in the house that would be fine if they didn't drink it either, ( as they do it is a touch hypocritical) but if they say you are not allowed to get drunk in the house or come home drunk that's different and fair enough especially as you have younger siblings
Once over 18 you have to decide whether you want to live at home with your parents ( which you have said they are fine with) and accept this means a degree of rule following and chore sharing in a shared space and with an ethos of their choice for a no or lesser financial cost or whether you want to leave home and live according to your own rules and fund it yourself

You are really fixated on 'I am 18yo so I can drink whenever I want, whatever amount I want' Why is that?

What do you think makes it OK for you to drink so that you always end up drunk if you do?

Being 18yo and adult means you shouod be able to exercise enough restrain to know what not to do wo yur mum telling you so.
It doesnt mean you can do whatever you want (well you can but you'll just look like or be a twat)

This is one of the perils of living at home and not going to university. You have to live by parental rules. I would have a drink with friends after college when you can but you must know when to stop. So just have two.

Parents who think it’s ok to give alcohol to 13 year olds are stupid. It’s not ok. It becomes normal. A gradual introduction from around 16 is better. However parents never know if DC will become alcoholics and at the end of the day, parents cannot control children forever. The children have to make their own mistakes and take the consequences.

They can be perfectly reasonable. Last time I went out it was for a christmas work do (I was 17). This time I had just as much to drink as I did at the birthday party and came home perfectly sober, locked the door and left home at 6am the next morning to go on holiday, feeling fine. She asked my boss to keep an eye on me but even she said to me on my first day back that she wasn't really sure what the fuss was about

Oh my god OP.... What is stopping you from buying alcohol and keeping it in your room and drinking it there??

Honestly OP you sound really immature. You're trying to have the best of both worlds and you can't. Either you live as a child, with your parents and get your money from them for doing chores that you should be doing anyway since you live there and you accept that they call the shots or you live as an adult where you get a job, earn your own money, pay your way and make your own decisions. You can't have it both ways. You can't convince your mum that you are responsible unless you actually become responsible. Childhood is done, you need to start becoming independent and proving that you are capable of being a sensible adult.

Being in college is no excuse not to work. I worked in college. You don't study 7 days a week. Get something part time, you're a grown up ffs. People your age are doing uni while raising kids, you can manage a weekend job. As gently as possible: man up!

You think you can drink the same amount on two different occasions, one makes you so drunk you puke and the other you were sober?

I think my parents turn a bit of a blind eye to the immaturity. I have a four year brain delay, so mentally I'm 14. They have pointed out that I can be immature, but they also say that they're sometimes quite surprised (in a good way) by some of the things I do. Eg doing housework without being asked, cooking kids tea when I can see my Mum is busy (my stepdad works 300 miles away 5 days a week), just generally helping her out when I can see she's struggling. My 17 year old sister (who has moved out to live with my auntie, my mum pays my auntie rent for her to live there) visited for the first time in months yesterday and stayed overnight. From the moment she got here she was constantly having malicious digs at me about my weight, how she's got further in life than I have (she's 18 months younger). Eventually I snapped, right in front of my mum, and my mum thought I was lashing out at her. She said she understands that there's only so much I can take but pointed out that I'm now an adult, she is still a child, and that if lara decides that she doesn't want to visit again than she won't see her daughter. My sister suffers from anxiety and depression and is recovering from anorexia so I have to be very careful what I say to her.

LolaSmiles to be honest I had had two three course meals that day so I think it was more to do with that than how much I had to drink. I didn't feel drunk. My parents don't see it that way though, and I understand why, they hadn't been watching me that night so they were bound to assume alcohol was the cause

00100001 no food and drink allowed in my room. My stepdad is always checking all the bedrooms to check they're tidy so he'd find it if I tried that (not that I would try that if he didn't check the rooms)

They probably feel extra protective seen as you are a bit behind age wise. The legal age to drink is 18 because it's considered that many will be mentally mature enough by then (whether or not they actually are though xD). So if you're a little behind then probably best not to drink yet.

Its not really a big deal. I think it probably bothers you more because it represents a sorta freedom...that u feel is being denied you.

How are things otherwise? Is your stepdad a nice enough man?

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut like I said I'd love to work (when I mentioned work before, that is my work placement alongside the course I do) but my tutor said that the course I'm starting in September is going to be quite intense and that I'd need a lot of free time to revise and complete assignments, and still have time to spend with friends and family for the sake of my mental health, which I have previously had issues with

stop drinking altogether and start listening to your mum. Please.

Bunnymumy yes he's great. He treats the three of us that aren't biologically his as his own. My mum suffered a haemorrhage after giving birth to her last child three years ago (so I was 15) and he had to leave in dead of the night when he found out something was wrong, and relied on me to get the three other children ready for school that following morning and then get up to the hospital (yes, I was allowed the day off school). Me and him were sat with her when she flatlined and the second we sat down in the waiting room after the crash team had told us to leave, I told him I wanted to stay with him if my mum died. So yes, we have our ups and downs but I think we're really quite close. We have loads to talk about as we like the same sport, we go to the gym together. We do everything someone would want to do with their stepdad but sometimes I'm my own worst enemy as I let myself down

Then you're going to have to accept that it's their house, their rules. At the end of the day, you're a grown man living off the bank of mum and dad. An "intense" Uni course and work placement doesn't change that. If they don't want you drinking or being drunk under their roof, that's the way it is no matter how old you are.

Look at it this way: If you were staying at a mates free of rent and they were feeding you etc and said "oh one thing, I don't want you drinking in here and if you go out drinking you'll have to stay elsewhere that night." You'd likely say Ok, mate, no problem, its your place. You're just not seeing it like that because you've always lived there, you're related so it clouds your judgement.

I lived at home for years and I sympathise as its shit not being able to just do what you want but as long as I was expecting mummy to pay my way I just had to put on my big girl pants and suck it up. Take this as incentive to study hard and get a good job. You'll have this argument with your own teen who totally knows better than you soon enough.

Indeed, their house, their rules.

And just think, in 18-30 years time or so, when you have an 18yo of your own with the mental capacity of a 14 yo, who has shown you multiple times that they can't handle their alcohol consumption, you can happily allow them to drink as much as they like in your house!

Especially after they've thrown a strop about the allowances you've already given them by saying at the weekend is fine!

I have two adult kids, they decide when they go out and how much they drink. I have to trust that I have given them sufficient common sense to make good choices.

@okiedokieme but if your 18yp have the mental capacity if a 14yo, would you give them the same allowances?

Basically would you allow a 14yo to go out and drink whenever they liked?

I’m a mum of teenage and young adult children (earlish 20’s).

You can write whatever you want but the crux is, you are living at home, it’s their rules. If you don’t like these rules, that’s fine. Leave and finance your life. If you can’t do this, you need to make a choice. Suck it up and stay - and abide by the rules. Move out and put some aspects of your life on hold until you can finance yourself to move forward. It really is this simple.

You have said you have a developmental delay of 4 years. I can understand why your mum is worried and concerned about an 18yo with certain capacities of a 14yo drinking. I think in this case your mum truly does know best. She has your best interests at heart. She is not out on some bizarre mission to ruin your life. Trust me.

No I don't work, I'm still at college right now so I get my money from my parents

Why are you taking money from your parents? Plenty of people are college students and have weekend jobs. My DD included. She can spend the money she has earned in whatever way she wants to. I wouldn’t be impressed if she wanted me to pay for her alcohol and then threw it up over my living room for me to clean up tbh. In fact I wouldn’t be impressed if she thought all she had to spend her money on was alcohol.

Sorry OP. Your parents house = your parents rules.

You are in college during the week - well not now you aren’t. Have you got a job yet?

You have most certainly not learnt your lesson. You may think you have but I can assure you that there are plenty of mistakes left to make, you are only 18, you are allowed to make mistakes. I moved out to uni when I was 18 and never went back home so I made my own mistakes and was responsible for my own actions. It took me till the ripe of age of 28 to make my biggest mistake with alcohol, now at 37 I can count on 1 hand the amount of times I've been drunk since.

Unfortunately I agree with others that whilst you live at home you are really obliged to obey by your mums rules.

PennInMyPocket my tutor has said the course I am starting in September will be incredibly intense and that I need to be able to complete all my assignments on time, revise, and still have plenty of time to spend with family and friends for the sake of my mental health, which I'd previously had issues with. My parents have agreed that they'd much rather fund me themselves than take the risk of me going downhill again, in order for me to achieve my ambitions which so far I think I've worked incredibly hard for. I was going to get a temporary job until September but they also said that they'd much rather I revised to make sure I pass the maths exam they are paying for me to take this summer, so that I don't have to worry about studying for it alongside my childcare course. So yes, I do get all my money from them, but I can assure you I don't get it for anything. They are both key workers who work full time and I have four young siblings who need looking after. I would do it for nothing and have offered to but they insist that I earn the money they give me. The things that people have been saying on here have made me look at this situation in a really different way. Thank you