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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

Overheard conversation

99 replies

Greenhousecat · 17/05/2020 21:55

First of all I wasn’t intentionally eavesdropping but I was sat in the garden reading when I overheard dd on the phone. Windows open.
I did honestly move away pretty quickly but not before I overheard a few snippets that I wished I hadn’t which was personal to dd and her on/off bf. I feel sick about it now and I can’t say anything to her. She’s technically an adult but only just and quite frankly I’m a bit shocked. I want to give her some advice but how do I bring it up without being accused of spying on her? I’m not keen on bf either, and dd knows it, so things are even more awkward

OP posts:

Mnthrowaway20202 · 18/05/2020 03:10

Many Asian girls from my school had anal sex to preserve their virginity🤷🏼‍♀️ it is something that happens in real life, and I wouldn’t say that their boyfriends pressured them as they wanted sex, they essentially did everything aside from PIV

Ilovesausages · 18/05/2020 03:10

I’m 43 btw and back in the day found that it was quite common for men to initiate it. This was when I was around 20 so a long time ago.

StayinginSummer · 18/05/2020 03:11

There are two issues I guess. One is that unless you have a natural enough relationship to discuss discuss sex, then don’t. But do take your daughter out for lunch etc and just get to open up a bit about how she feels about her relationship.

The other... well anal is more risky and more prone to hurting, cystitis, some damage, and needs a really careful and good partner sexually and trust wise. I’d say most couples starting out don’t have this confidence, maturity and experience to know if they really like it or can do it without damage.

Most women are not into anal. Most women won’t orgasm this way. Many women find vaginal sex hard to orgasm too.

However hearing a one off conversation and knowing what’s going on is quite hard.

I have a pretty good relationship with my son and to be honest I’d fess up and risk an embarrassing conversation just to have a frank talk. But we have a relationship that can take that, even though he’s probably mortified. Indirectly you could point to an article you have happened to read... find a good article... and say you are worried young women are having to feel that some kinds of sex are totally normal when they are not.

Mnthrowaway20202 · 18/05/2020 03:24

Even though anal has risks, I don’t think every 21 year old wants to discuss this with their mother, particularly if you don’t have that sort of close relationship to begin with.

I’m just going to be honest, most people I know were sexually active long before 21. At 21, with years of being sexually active under your belt, you just figure it out yourself instead of asking your mother. She probably discuses sex with her friends too, so it’s not like she’s alone with no one to talk about this but you.

If she isn’t into it, there’s every chance she’ll tell him instead of just going along with it.

StoppinBy · 18/05/2020 04:25

I would just say ' Honey, the other day when you were talking to BF I am not sure if you realised that I was in the garden reading and I heard what you said, if you want to talk about x/y/z I am here, if not I will try to forget what I heard' as long as you don't think she is in danger.

Hopefully she realises that you were out there already and she should shut her window next time if she doesn't want to be overheard but that it wasn't your fault that you over heard this time.

walkingchuckydoll · 18/05/2020 04:46

It really depends on if she felt/sounded pressured. I tried lots of things at that age, including anal. It was fun to try stuff out and we kept what we liked and ditched what we didn't like. I was never pressured and loved experimenting.

Original poster

Greenhousecat · 18/05/2020 06:40

Wow lots to think about.
Tbh she didn’t sound distressed on the phone but seemed to be discussing him/them with a friend and I honestly don’t have the full story. I don’t know whether it was actually happening or if he just wanted it, from the brief part I heard and I’m making assumptions which could be way off the truth.

However, she has told me this morning that they have broken up (I asked if she was missing him) so that makes me more inclined to say nothing but I may bring it up in a roundabout way at a later date. She will absolutely hate me for interfering so I will think carefully about it but I’ve no proof that she was coerced into anything. I would have been horrified if my mother had “talked” to me like this and tbh I still would.

OP posts:

Cantdothis2020 · 18/05/2020 06:58

It’s difficult OP. As you said you don’t know the facts and you could have it all wrong. Him being “into it” doesn’t necessarily mean they were doing it regularly, if at all.

It’s hard stepping back and you can’t tell her what to do. Believe me I’ve been there! It’s her life to live however much you don’t understand or approve. In the circumstances I would advise you to leave it for now.

Oblomov20 · 18/05/2020 07:19

I agree that anal is all the rage due to porn, even amongst teenagers at school, and this makes me sad and angry.

Definitely a conversation should be had OP, if at all possible.

CallMeOnMyCell · 18/05/2020 07:36

Let’s hope they stay broken up. It’s sad that porn has made once niche sexual acts normal.

Original poster

Greenhousecat · 18/05/2020 09:00

I’m so indecisive. One minute I’m just going to leave it and the next I’m wanting to say something.
It is eating away at me though but I know in my heart I shouldn’t.

OP posts:

VerityB1 · 18/05/2020 09:11

Also the health issues on anal sex with the skin being more easily tearable etc. I can't think how you would raise the issue without causing sensitivities but if you are worried on health grounds, you may need to think of a way.

Cantdothis2020 · 18/05/2020 09:19

If you really think you need to bring it up, how about a little note explaining. Maybe apologise for what happened and put across your concerns? Then invite her to talk to you if she wants. Then at least it’s out there.
It’s an option.

PuntoEBasta · 18/05/2020 09:22

Don't say anything. You have a golden opportunity now, OP - you have time to work on and strengthen your relationship so that if she needs your support in the future she is more likely to come to you.

You still don't have the full picture and you might be underestimating her. Is it possible that his preferences were the reason that they split up?

Ask her to go for a walk or do an activity together. Don't try to engineer the conversation. If she wants to open up she will.

eachtotheirown123 · 18/05/2020 09:54

I think there is huge pressure on men and women to try it and enjoy it. I don’t understand why it is always the man inserting his penis into the women. Why don’t men enjoy it too using a strap on or dildo?

NC for this

Woah, I didn't realise so many people were against anal! Any type of sex is wrong if the person feels pressured into it but to believe a woman cannot enjoy it is unbelievable. Also men can enjoy it too with a female partner, I've tried both with my husband and enjoyed both. As long as it's 100% consensual and what both parties want then what's the issue.

Also I've been in a situation where after PIV sex a casual partner made a reference to anal (it being tighter) and the way he suggested it completely made me cringe, he probably did get the idea from porn and for me that relationship ended right there because he just turned me off so much!

If the daughter sounded uncomfortable regarding any sexual activity then that's different but just because it's anal doesn't automatically mean she's been coerced.

Mrsjayy · 18/05/2020 10:03

It really really is non of your business she is a grown woman she can have any kind of sex she wants, you might want to tell her to close her windows when she is having intimate conversations though.

OnlyTheLangoftheTitBerg · 18/05/2020 10:22

The chances of 'just happening' to hear enough of such an intimate conversation that you now know of her apparent predilection for anal sex within the first few seconds before moving away out of earshot (how long does it take to stand up and walk down the garden?) are so remote that I would assume she knew you were there and was deliberately winding you up. Meanwhile congratulate yourself on having one of the few remaining 21yos who know that phones can be used for calls...pretty much every single one I know only ever seems to communicate with their peers via Whatsapp or FB Messenger.

Original poster

Greenhousecat · 18/05/2020 10:39

Well OnlyTheLang not that I’ve got to explain myself to you but there was faint chatter in the background then she may have moved to the window where I heard the words. Don’t know.

Also by the time I put my book down, and my cup and removed the dog from my legs it took more than a few seconds.
Haven’t you heard, FaceTime is the new lockdown thing? They can’t socialise so see each other on screen.
However, maybe she was winding me up, having a joke with her pal, who knows.

But It’s beginning to sink in that it’s not my business and as long as she is ok then I should leave it.

OP posts:

RosesandIris · 18/05/2020 10:41

If they'e broken up I would leave it for now. Maybe wait a few weeks and then have a conversation which could include discussion of porn and coercion.

pointing · 18/05/2020 11:06

Anal is only normal amongst young people because they watch porn. The men expect it and the women go along with it because they feel they have to. I wouldn’t want to be with a man whose preference was anal, it’s a degrading way for a women to have sex.

This. I'm 34 so not young but not old and this is how I see it too

Original poster

Greenhousecat · 18/05/2020 11:37

Ok thank you all for your input. I’ve definitely decided to leave it be. She is an adult and that’s the end of it.

I very much appreciate all the advice and points of view.

OP posts:

TeensArghhhh · 18/05/2020 13:09

Oh gosh!

My 19 year old has very recently become sexually active with her BF (Before anyone jumps to tell me she has ‘probably’ been sexually active for a while - I know for definite she hasn’t!)

It’s taken me a while to get my head around that fact. I definitely wouldn’t want the details! 😳

Anyway, your DD has ended the relationship now so, in your shoes, I wouldn’t mention it. It’s tough enough when your baby grows up, without the sordid details isn’t it? 💐

Summerduvet · 19/05/2020 11:08

I was involved in a kind of similar situation with my dd and I spoke to her about it once I became aware. She was with a much older man who though - that’s another story! - and I was worried she was being manipulated or coerced. It didn’t end well because our relationship was badly affected but I had to say something. Doesn’t matter how you approach it your dd will see it as interfering however well intentioned. I regret it now though but felt I had to.
Good luck.

changeitupagain · 24/05/2020 20:59

All the comments about people only doing anal because of porn and girls being coerced into and degraded by their boyfriends and prudish and small minded. Yes of course not everyone likes or even wants to try anal but don't make it shameful for the people that do.

Definitely don't feel sad or angry on behalf of other women who are exercising their right to do what they want with their own bodies and exploring what they like. It's patronising and not feminist at all despite some people trying to frame it as so and as a concern for young girls.

I did anal for the first time at 19 with my stable boyfriend. It was my idea and I wanted to try it, he wasn't overly keen but after talking about it we decided to try it together but go slowly and gently. In the end he ended up loving it, I wasn't a big fan just because it didn't do much for me. But I didn't feel degraded, he didn't expect it from me and I didn't 'go along with it', and neither of us had our expectations warped by porn.

We still do it occasionally because he enjoys it and as his partner who loves him I like it when he enjoys it. There is no coercion from him. Exactly the same as we sometimes use a vibrator during sex which doesn't do anything for him but does for me, and he does it for me because he knows I enjoy it and likes to see me enjoy myself.

Young people are more sexually adventurous these days because there's less prudish attitudes squashing our wants and putting us off trying out new things for fear of being judged. I understand you're worried for your daughter but there is also a big difference between convincing and coercing. Lots of new things couples try are first suggested by one and then through talking about it the other is convinced to give it a try.

I'm glad you acknowledge that you can be a bit of a prude so please try not to put your judgement or personal beliefs on your daughter and make her feel ashamed for exploring and experimenting sexually which is perfectly normal.

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