Overheard conversation

[Greenhousecat]

First of all I wasn’t intentionally eavesdropping but I was sat in the garden reading when I overheard dd on the phone. Windows open.
I did honestly move away pretty quickly but not before I overheard a few snippets that I wished I hadn’t which was personal to dd and her on/off bf. I feel sick about it now and I can’t say anything to her. She’s technically an adult but only just and quite frankly I’m a bit shocked. I want to give her some advice but how do I bring it up without being accused of spying on her? I’m not keen on bf either, and dd knows it, so things are even more awkward

[Chocolate50]

Greenhousecat it all sounded ok until you said 'its his preferred method' then it sounded like it was his choice, not hers.
I think I would be having some sort of conversation with her about sex in general, in an ideal world we'd all like to have open conversations as an ongoing theme about stuff like that with our children (up to a point). I guess she is 21 though so she's definitely a consenting adult. That said my DD hates it if I start ranting about sex etc, which I frequently do by the way...! Poor girl.
I think it might concern me if I thought that there was a possibility that my DD was being coerced but if not then I would leave it.

[Bagelsandbrie]

Unless you’ve heard something is happening that she doesn’t like or is being forced into something then you must never, ever mention that you’ve heard it!

[pallasathena]

What have we done to our daughters....to think that this is 'ok'?.......

[BumblePan]

Agree with @pallasathena 100%

[HollowTalk]

Totally agree with @pallasathena. Wtf is wrong with some young men?

[Greenhousecat]

I think she said preferred or it might have been “into”. My minds in a whirl.
I can’t say for sure that she was pressured or even the true circumstances. I’m sure if she didn’t want to she would say, I hope anyway. She’s usually pretty bolshie.

Our relationship has been a bit rocky lately and I don’t want to ruin things but I may bring it up in a round about way if I ever coax her out of her room.
Thanks all. Lots to think about.

[Coffeeandbeans]

Young people should read the book Normal People or watch the series.

I disagree that anal is as popular as PIV. I think there is huge pressure on men and women to try it and enjoy it. I don’t understand why it is always the man inserting his penis into the women. Why don’t men enjoy it too using a strap on or dildo?

[OwlPop]

Instead of mulling it over and working yourself up, I think I'd mention it. And I speak as the mother of a 21 year old.

A breezy ' I overheard you on the phone the other day, incidentally by accident. I hear you say XYZ and it concerned me. I'm here if you want to discuss anything that is bothering but equally I just wanted to say that you shouldn't feel pressurised into anything, if indeed that's how you feel.'

And yeah - anal sex and choking may be what a lot of younger people are into now but I echo other posters by saying WTF. And I'm no prude! This is mainly young men watching what used to be pretty niche porn which has now become mainstream. And to anyone thinking it's perfectly fine and normal , ask yourself ... would you really want your daughter going out with a man who's preferred sex was anal?

You probably wouldn't given the choice. The OP unfortunately has overheard this so it's no longer an ignorance is bliss situation

Alternatively OP, you need to just try and put it out your mind.

[TerribleCustomerCervix]

It’s fucking dreadful that it’s become so common.

I’m 31 so not ancient, and only missed the whole obsession with anal by a few years. It’s gone from pretty niche when I was a teenager/ young adult to an expectation that you MUST be up for it otherwise you’re a prude who’s shit in bed. I know there’s women out there who enjoy it, but let’s be real, for the most part it’s not particularly enjoyable and is 100% for the man’s pleasure.

I don’t have any advice, but I don’t think having legitimate concerns that your dd is not in a healthy sexual relationship makes you a prude.

[KingSheathBelle]

Is she doing it to keep him, as the two people men I know liked it broke up with gfs and in getting back together the anal sex was in the deal.

[StarUtopia]

Young people these days are so influenced by porn.

Anal sex NEVER came up when I was 20 something. I'm in my mid 40's.

However, friend of DH's, who's much younger (mid 20's, work friend) got drunk last time we saw him and very chatty. Basically only wants anal and wouldn't go out with any girl who wouldn't do it.

To say I told him he needed to get out of porn and into the real world was an understatement! He genuinely thought it was perfectly normal thing for 20 yr old girls to want to do.

I would have to say something. It's fine in a consenting adult relationship (long term, marriage type of thing with someone you 100% trust) but I wouldn't want my young daughter just doing anal with some part time new bf. His 'preferred sex' - fuck that.

[Cantdothis2020]

I’m sure OP doesn’t think this is ok. That’s why she’s posting.

I think porn and it’s easy availability has a lot to answer for. It’s become the norm for a lot of people unfortunately.
If you are concerned then maybe mention it. If you think she’s ok then leave it. I’d be like a bull in a china shop myself and would probably ruin the fragile relationship. It doesn’t take much to upset things with my dd and I’ve learned the hard way not to interfere.

[Nancydrawn]

If she's a 21 year old who is telling her friend that she prefers anal sex, I think you would be mad to let her know what you've heard.

She's an adult, and adults are allowed to have sexual preferences with consenting partners.

She may derive pleasure from it. She may also derive pleasure from the (very mild) taboo of it. As far as sexual preferences go, it is neither shocking nor particularly alarming.

As long as she didn't say something worrisomelike, "John likes this and I hate it but I do it for him"then I would just keep quiet and try to forget it.

[HannaYeah]

So refreshing to see so many people on the same page about this topic.

Before I found mumsnet I had started wondering if I was in the minority. I’m not doing that, I don’t care who says it’s normal.

If at all possible, I would talk to your daughter OP. I saw another discussion on here that talked about the physical repercussions of it. I’d bring it up from that perspective.

[choccychipo]

Some of these comments are truly baffling, the fact that there's disbelief that women enjoy anal is insane??? A 21 yo woman shouldn't have to
justify that position she chooses to have sex in to HER her mother surely? It seems that OP doesn't want to imagine that it's consensual even though in a previous post states that it may have been her daughters preferred choice, idk I am baffled

[Bagelsandbrie]

I think people need to be careful when making assumptions about anal sex. Lots of women do genuinely enjoy it. And that’s ok. As long as it’s totally consenting and not due to pressure. Lots of men enjoy receiving it too- both gay and straight (with toys etc!)

I am 40. When I was 18/19 and losing my virginity - and having a pretty wild time really!- I was pretty clued up about anal sex and yes some boyfriends did ask for it and I always said no. I didn’t fancy it. And that was okay. Maybe I’ve just been incredibly lucky but I’ve never been pressured to do anything I don’t want to do.

I am now married to someone almost 10 years younger than me and he HATES the idea of anal sex. Isn’t even remotely interested whatsoever. But curious as you’d think- by this thread- being younger he’d be into the idea.

I think some people are, and some aren’t and that’s okay.

I think the ops dd might be really angry with everyone assuming she’s some sort of passive passenger in all this. Just because someone says they prefer something sexually doesn’t mean they’re forcing the other person to do it. It works both ways - it’s ok for someone to say they do or don’t like something sexually!

[Deux]

Another vote for getting her to watch Normal People to see realistic sex between young people without any pornification.

Might be worthwhile reiterating what consent is all about

[Bagelsandbrie]

Wow... she’s 21! Not a teenager. I think she would probably be pretty insulted by the suggestions to get her to watch Normal People and consent videos...!

[ScreamingBeans]

Is she doing it to keep him, as the two people men I know liked it broke up with gfs and in getting back together the anal sex was in the deal.

Jesus Christ.

So they insist on having a form of sex they know their gf's hate?

What sort of awful men are they? Do they realise they're rapey as fuck?

[HannaYeah]

@choccychipo

OP said her daughter referred to it as his preference or something similar. Not her preference.

[TerribleCustomerCervix]

Some of these comments are truly baffling, the fact that there's disbelief that women enjoy anal is insane???

Why?

For me it’s the same as saying that prostitution is fine because some women get into it willingly. It might be the case that some women enjoy it, but for the most part there is a huge amount of pressure put on young women to be up for a sexual act that can be dangerous and uncomfortable.

[AGirlCalledJohnny]

I would be concerned too, please try to have a frank and calm conversation with her as awkward as that may be. She may just need a small push to stand up for herself a bit more. I’d hate that for my daughter.

My son is 15 and I sat him down a few months ago and said ‘look I know you’re probably watching porn somewhere but I need you to know girls genuinely don’t want to be choked, hit or have their hair pulled during sex so please, don’t watch stuff like that and think that’s what a healthy relationship looks like’. I wanted him to hear it from me as a woman, and not his dad iykwim. He was pretty cool about the whole thing, but have to say, didn’t occur to me to mention anal, might leave that bit to his dad alright

[Quartz2208]

Who was she talking to and what was the context. Potentially it sounds like she is unsure to be mentioning it on the phone. There could be some red flags here

[Dislocatedeyeballs]

I'd mind your own business none wants to discuss anal sex with their mother. You don't know for sure that's what you heard anyway. Don't mention it but make sure she knows she should never do something she's uncomfortable with just because he wants it no idea how you get that across but absolutely do not interfere in her sex life that's between her and her bf and has zilch to do with you and whether or not you approve. It is pretty normal and its pretty normal not to like it too everyone's different

[Patsypie]

Anal is not mainstream at all! It's popular because of porn. Most people I know don't care for it.