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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Overheard conversation

99 replies

Greenhousecat · 17/05/2020 21:55

First of all I wasn’t intentionally eavesdropping but I was sat in the garden reading when I overheard dd on the phone. Windows open.
I did honestly move away pretty quickly but not before I overheard a few snippets that I wished I hadn’t which was personal to dd and her on/off bf. I feel sick about it now and I can’t say anything to her. She’s technically an adult but only just and quite frankly I’m a bit shocked. I want to give her some advice but how do I bring it up without being accused of spying on her? I’m not keen on bf either, and dd knows it, so things are even more awkward

OP posts:
ssd · 17/05/2020 23:50

Sorry, but I don't believe women like anal sex, I just don't. If they do it its to please a man. And any man expecting that of you can fuck off as far as I'm concerned.

OP, if you can, talk to your dd. I doubt she's into it at all and because of porn, her bf will probably think its normal. She needs to set him straight.

LittleLeaps · 17/05/2020 23:51

Unless you have heard something that makes you truly believe that she is being pressured to do something that does not want to do, and from your comments it doesn't sound like you have any reason to believe this is the case, please stay out of it. I say that as a 25 year old who would be absolutely mortified if my parents knew half the things I've gotten up to/experimented with Blush.

Anal sex can be enjoyable for both men and women (and many straight men do enjoy being penetrated with a strap on), obviously it isn't for everyone and nobody should be pressured into doing anything they aren't comfortable with but just because you yourself may not find it appealing doesn't mean to say that others won't.

Your daughter and her partner are adults and as long as they are being safe and sensible then there is no reason to get involved in her sex life.

1300cakes · 17/05/2020 23:54

If your relationship is a bit rocky I'd leave it. You haven't heard anything to indicate she is being coerced. Perhaps if the opportunity presents itself, you could start a conversation about the issues of porn, coersion, feelings of entitlement in men, etc, without bringing her sex life in to it.

B1rdbra1n · 17/05/2020 23:57

was in the deal
Dreadful😳
the implication seems to be that she is lucky that he agrees to take her back and in return she has to obey him
or perhaps what's going on is that he broke up in order to punish her and he'll only take her back on the condition that she lets him punish her in a different way😳
It's very tricky😖
my daughter is 10 years older than yours OP but if I thought she was in an abusive situation I would be be very concerned for her and I would find it hard not to say something😖
I think I would just try and be kind and receptive generally, probably she is able to access support from online places, forums support groups etc?

inmyshedsmoking2000 · 18/05/2020 00:05

His preferred method will leave your daughter with piles and a probable prolapse if it's that often. Poor lass.

OneNewName · 18/05/2020 00:12

Could she have known you were there and was trying to shock you, knowing that you consider yourself a prude.

PuntoEBasta · 18/05/2020 00:14

21 isn’t ‘just’ an adult. It is adult. What was the context? Who was she talking to? If to her boyfriend could it have been dirty talk while they are (presumably) separated by the lockdown? If a friend, might she have been boasting or joking or exaggerating a bit? Do you have any genuine sense that she is being coerced beyond your discomfort at being presented with details of her sex life?

I’m sorry OP but you describe yourself as a prude and say that your relationship is not great right now. If you don’t already have an open dialogue around relationships then it is impossible to raise the issue without a) her realising that you have been earwigging and b) damaging your relationship further. You need to take several steps back and put in the groundwork to get your relationship to the point where you can openly discuss consent, trust etc as related issues - no-one wants to discuss the details of their sex life with their mother.

ViciousJackdaw · 18/05/2020 00:16

Why don’t men enjoy it too using a strap on or dildo?

Look up 'pegging'. Also, what do you think gay men do?

Moonshinemisses · 18/05/2020 00:16

I wouldn't say anything if I were you. At 21 i certainly wasnt up for discussing my sex life with my mother. Many people enjoy anal as part of a varied sex life. I'm late 40's & its been popular since i became sexually active so certainly not just a 'youngster's thing'. I work in a female oriented environment where no conversation is off the table and from the discussions I've overheard it isn't just something men are into.

strugglingwithdeciding · 18/05/2020 00:21

Only thing I would say is maybe to shut door or window when having private conversations as you never know who might hear , just so she's aware as I'm sure she wouldn't want you hearing anyway

PerfectionistProcrastinator · 18/05/2020 00:43

I wouldn’t say anything to her. When I was 21 I was seeing someone who I felt pressured into doing this with. And he had a way of making me feel like I was closed minded for not wanting to. But despite his insistence that I was the weird one, I knew that I shouldn’t be feeling pressured and that everyone’s likes and dislikes are normal when it comes to sex and I shouldn’t be made to feel otherwise.

I’d have been mortified if my mum had overheard and tried to give me advice on something at that age that I was trying to work through myself. I’d have also felt like there was no way she could have understood anyway because she was of a different generation.

TheGirlWithAPrince · 18/05/2020 00:50

I know a few woman who prefer Anal to other positions including with men and with woman ( using toys)
Baffles me because i find it so gross but okay.

TeaForTara · 18/05/2020 00:50

I'd mind your own business none wants to discuss anal sex with their mother.

This. She is 21. That’s not “only just” an adult. Assuming that you have talked about consent when she was younger and she knows she can talk to you about any worries, you just have to trust her and put it out of your mind.

Rebelwithallthecause · 18/05/2020 00:59

I’m a woman
I enjoy anal
I can orgasm through anal alone
It’s still not something we do regularly as it takes preparation and time

Generally I am the one to initiate it

Not too sure why so many people disbelieve women can enjoy it

That being said, I trust my DH 100% and would not have even considered trying it with any previous sexual partners

SpaceCadet4000 · 18/05/2020 01:02

She's 21 and an adult. Unless the conversation explicitly sounded like she was being pressured and was upset then I don't think you should say anything at all.

Although I'm older (29) this wasn't seen as a big thing even when I was 21 and it was normal for it to be brought up in a relationship and decent partners are very well versed in consent and respect these days.

I cannot reiterate how angry I would have been with my Mum if she had brought something like this up... because I was capable of consenting and advocating for myself, and it would have been precisely none of her business.

lyralalala · 18/05/2020 01:09

I think she said preferred or it might have been “into”. My minds in a whirl.

Those are two very different things.

If he prefers anal and she's under pressure then the advice is very different to you overhearding her telling a pal he's into it

If your relationship is rocky, she knows you don't like her boyfriend and you have very fixed views on anal I'd be very, very careful about mentioning it.

Namechangerextraordinaire1 · 18/05/2020 01:12

I can totally understand that you are shocked ny what you overheard. Nobody wants to think about their child's sex life, especially if it involves something you yourself are completely unfamiliar/surprised by.

Having said that, I don't think you need to bring it up with your daughter. Is there anything that actually makes you think she is being pressured into it? Even if she was, what would you say/do to improve the situation for her? At 21, she is very unlikely to want to talk to you about itz even if she is being pressured into it. I'm putting myself into my 21 year old shoes and can honestly say even if I realised deep down it was coming from the right place, my mother talking to me about anal sex and pressure would have just made me wail in disgust and walk off. She was talking to a friend it seems and at 21 I think her friend's would be the best to help her deal with it if it was an issue in the relationship.

As an aside, I used to be quite into anal several years ago and could also orgasm from it. I can't stand it now, though. I was never pressured into it, I enjoyed it and was happy to do it.

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 18/05/2020 01:18

Anal sex is just as common as PIV these days!

But far more injurious. I've had anal fissures and tearing, and last time I let a man do that, the faecal bacteria got onto my vulva and gave me concurrent BV and cystitis.

I feel very strongly that only women should ever suggest or initiate anal in a straight relationship, so that there is no chance of coercion. She is taking most of the risk, she should call the shots.

SpooniesAreGo · 18/05/2020 01:57

Sorry, but I don't believe women like anal sex, I just don't. If they do it its to please a man.
How do you explain the fact some lesbians enjoy it, then?

Why don’t men enjoy it too using a strap on or dildo?
Almost all men who try it go absolutely crazy for it, because prostate orgasms or blended orgasms are known to be far more powerful and last longer (and have the potential to be multiple) than penile orgasms. The reason many straight men never try it is because of fear, shame, embarrassment, internalised homophobia, or simply not being aware of what a prostate is.

expat101 · 18/05/2020 02:17

First that I have heard that anal sex is common amongst all the young... I had heard it was a cultural thing for some, preferring to stay ''virgins'' until their marriage bed.

@Greenhousecat, my dd is a similar age to yours. She left her mobile on and I read some of the one side messages she was sending back to someone we are not supposed to know about.

I didn't like what I read either and wish I could talk to her about it, but I recognise it would probably cause her more embarrassment that I ''knew'' something happened she didn't want to repeat again.

You & I can only hope we have given them a good understanding of what is right, wrong and how to make happy/healthy choices.

HannaYeah · 18/05/2020 02:47

Reading comments, I’ve changed my mind and agree more with the posters that say don’t bring it up.

Mnthrowaway20202 · 18/05/2020 03:00

I’m the same age as her.

I think the majority of people our age have tried anal once, even if they don’t regularly partake.

Don’t bring it up with her, you’re not close enough to discuss sex so it will come across as weird - she will think you’re eavesdropping. I don’t talk about sex with my parents, I do with my boyfriend/friends

Lynda07 · 18/05/2020 03:04

expat, the practice has become more common in recent years because of the influence of porn. Girls are often expected to do it because their boyfriends have seen it happen on film. I mean 'girls', still at school. Because parents don't talk much to their children about feelings, love and sex, and sex ed at school is rubbish, they think it's 'normal'. I've seen a couple of documentaries in which schoolgirls spoke about how they felt coerced and about how much it hurt!

It's an extremely dangerous practice and degrading; thankfully there are plenty of chaps who wouldn't dream of it and would actually find the idea repugnant. I would tell any girl to hang on for one of those! I cannot understand the attraction of it when the natural way is so much easier.

The only time I've ever heard of it being a cultural practice in order to keep virginity is on here, just once, and that was such nonsense, it's difficult to believe anyone would give it credence. More likely the guy just wanted it that way.

I understand how the op feels but she really cannot say anything to her daughter who is 21. If the family speaks freely about love and relationship the subject could be brought up sometime and discussed without pointing the finger at anyone but I daresay that is unlikely to happen now if it hasn't happened before.

Mnthrowaway20202 · 18/05/2020 03:07

Just to add, I don't think anal sex is “concerning”. I’d reserve that for generally sadist things like choking. I know some people like that but it has to be done carefully and correctly, men typically place pressure on the wrong part of your neck eg the front not the sides.

Ilovesausages · 18/05/2020 03:09

Do you just hear them talking about anal sex or did it sound like he was pressuring your DD?

Because if the former then definitely don’t say anything but if the latter then I would make sure she knew I was there for her.

I used to really like anal sex but I wouldn’t have wanted to do it like that every time.