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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

22 year old son alienating me and not coming home from uni for xmas

66 replies

Beebearjo · 16/12/2019 01:00

My 22 year old eldest son has struggled with his mental health for many years now. When he came home from uni in the Summer things went from pleasant to terrible between us in a matter of weeks. Without any obvious trigger he started to behave like he hated me, expressed that he had an unhappy childhood that he is struggling to get over, hates my partner ( of 14 years with whom my relationship is also crumbling), and doesn't feel part of the family ( he has a much younger half brother and sister). Since going back to uni in September he has ignored nearly all my calls and only replies to texts if he needs something. He says he is not coming back for xmas. I have no idea where he is planning to be or who with, if anyone. I'm hurting so much. The thought of xmas without him is hard to contemplate. I had no idea he felt this way towards me. But the worst thing is that I know he must be hurting too and I can't help as I have been alienated. I have no idea how to be dealing with this situation and feel completely lost.

OP posts:

FelixFelicis6 · 16/12/2019 01:02

Did he give more detail about unhappy childhood? Or why he hates your partner?

Chocmallows · 16/12/2019 01:03

He is now an adult and you can offer an open door, but cannot force him home.

Does he resent his siblings, your partner or you for a reason?

Original poster

Beebearjo · 16/12/2019 08:23

I think he is angry and hurt that his biological father is useless. And angry and hurt that my partner was sometimes pretty awful towards him when he was younger. It was occasional times and not physical but he was sometimes nasty and I think my son felt tolerated rather than welcomed by my partner. ( When I say partner I mean the man I have lived with for 14 years.. we have not been intimate proper partners for 10 of those but that's a whole other thread). Obviously and quite rightly he feels betrayed by me. I had no idea. He was at the forefront of every decision I made. I thought I was a mum trying her best. I thought our bond was solid and unbreakable. I now realise I have failed massively and wish I could turn back time.

OP posts:

SonEtLumiere · 16/12/2019 08:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EvaHarknessRose · 16/12/2019 08:28

Leave an open door, say you would like to understand his feelings about his childhood (if he does, listen, try to put your hurt aside for his wellbeing currently).

But above all please let his uni and his go there know your concerns so they can reach out according to their policies. They won't be able to tell you anything, but it's important they know he might be struggling.

Quartz2208 · 16/12/2019 08:28

How can you have had no idea the impact having your partner had on your son and how he feels? He doesn’t want to come home to that maybe look at sorting that out and then going to him

Summerandsparkle · 16/12/2019 08:29

And angry and hurt that my partner was sometimes pretty awful towards him when he was younger.

Growing up and going to Uni can often make you realise and reflect on your childhood especially if you are from a broken home. As until then you except your situation as normal. I had a similar situation with my Mums partner and I’ve never forgiven her for it. It does sound like you let him down badly.

The only thing you can do is apologise, admit your mistake and ask for forgiveness.

With my Mum, her splitting up with her arsehole partner helped, a lot.

zafferana · 16/12/2019 08:30

As the DC of a step-father who also tolerated me and was pretty horrible (plus physical) when I was growing up I have some sympathy with your DS's POV. In my 20s I too got as far as I could from my family (my dad was also pretty useless), and forged a successful life for myself. Looking back, it was a necessary step for me to completely separate from my parents, both of whom I felt let me down massively. My DM too stood by and allowed her new partner to be horrible to her DC. Once I was an adult I realised how fucking outrageous that was and as a DM myself I cannot excuse it, much though I've tried to reason it out in my head. Bottom line OP you let your DS down and he's now old enough to realise that and articulate it to you. The best you can do is apologise unreservedly. Acknowledge the ways in which you know you let him down. Write him a letter and tell him. And then get your own life in order. Maybe when you end this farce of a marriage to this man who treated your DS like shit then bridges may be rebuilt. Sorry, I know that sounds harsh, but I'm seeing his side of things.

helpmum2003 · 16/12/2019 08:31

I think all you can do is apologize and going to see him is a good idea. What are his MH problems? Are you going to separate from partner?

hellsbells99 · 16/12/2019 08:32

Go and visit him

Techway · 16/12/2019 08:35

Can you go up and see him? Sometimes an adult child wakes up to their childhood and going to Uni is often the trigger as they are living with others and their home life is discussed.

All you can do is take responsibility and hear him. He will need to vent so his anger may not be proportional (and it may not be balanced with any good times). Can you encourage or pay for him to attend counselling.

What plans do you have to move on from your partner? This clearly isn't a healthy relationship and perhaps seeing you in this relationship is adding to his alienation from you.

TreeSwayer · 16/12/2019 08:36

How far is the uni and can you go and see him? Show him how much he means to you by making that effort?

I didn't have the greatest relationship with my Mum when I was growing up, nor when I went away to uni but as an adult I was able to see her parenting for what it was. She was overwhelmed with responsibility and parented the best she knew how. But she was an incredible Grandma to my children and my sister's. I obviously forgave her even when she wouldn't admit to stuff.

Apologise and talk to him, be ready for it to be a very difficult conversation. Don't try to defend yourself if he wants to open up to you. Good luck.

neverornow · 16/12/2019 08:36

I think you should go see him and apologize. If he doesn't want to see you, write him a letter. Explain you've see then errors of your ways and that you are finishing with your partner. He's probably very hurt, poor lad. I agree with contacting his Uni and expressing your concerns especially given his MH issues.

SquashedFlyBiscuit · 16/12/2019 08:36

I planned never to go home after I left for uni. My parents still dont realise how absuive they were, I think they sometimes find it hard tk look beyond their own struggles at what a child is feeling and experiencing.

I think you will need to put aside your feelings and reach out. Maybe offer aomething just you and them away from family? Good luck. I wish my parents had tried to mend the gap.

SonEtLumiere · 16/12/2019 08:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zafferana · 16/12/2019 08:40

You might also want to get some therapy yourself. It looks like you chose two pretty shit men to father your DC. Why is that? And why have you tolerated a relationship which is in no way intimate for the past 10 years? I think there is a lot of healing that needs to go on in your family and your relationship with your DS is just the tip of the iceberg.

Techway · 16/12/2019 08:40

How heartbreaking to hear so many stories of children being let down by their mothers when they start a new relationship

We see women & men on MN rushing into new relationships and dragging their children into the mess. It is a stark warning that the cost is often the child's unhappiness and later alienation from their parent.

@zafferana, how is your relationship now with your Mum?

milliefiori · 16/12/2019 08:47

The only thing you can do is listen to all he has said and acknowledge it.

Tell him you understand and respect his reasons for staying away and that you are genuinely sorry that mistakes you made in his upbringing were so severe that they have brought him to this state. Tell him you are sorry you didn;t realise this sooner, and that you love him.

Ask if he'd like to meet you one-to-one, on neutral territory, away from half siblings and your partner, so you can give him your undivided attention. Offer to book a weekend away for th epair of you, maybe to go walking somewhere, as walking and talking is very therapeutic.

Tell him you love him with all your heart and that at any point, night or day, over Christmas, if he changes his mind, he is welcome and if anyone makes him feel otherwise you will be on his side.

Tell him that you respect his choice to stay away but you would like to contribute towards it if he'll let you, as you want to make sure he is comfortable and happy and able to celebrate. Offer to send him money or a hamper. Ask if there are any warm clothes or home items he would like you to get him and if he;d like, just send links to the right items and an address for you to send to.

I think this sort of respectful, distant love-bombing is all you can do right now. I feel for you both.

Christmaspug · 16/12/2019 08:50

How was he at the forefront of every decision made ,when the man tolerated him and was fucking nasty to him..
Why did u not get rid of a man who was nasty to your child
You put the man first ,not your child ,now he won’t come home ,your upset ..because it’s ending with the man and your realising to late what you’ve done ..

NewBlueGoo · 16/12/2019 08:55

I’m going to go against PP’s suggestions to go and find him at uni. If he is telling you he needs distance, chasing him around and love bombing him (and possibly couching it in the context of your own hurt feelings, and saying emotionally manipulative things like ‘I thought I was a mum trying to do her best’) is not going to help.

I would also be livid in this situation if a parent I was trying to get some space from contacted my uni and my GP and expressed concerns about my mental health. I would experience this as controlling and manipulative.

He is an adult. He is asking for space. Respect that.

Movinghouseatlast · 16/12/2019 08:58

I have been your son. Going to university made me realise a lot of things about my childhood. I started to hate my mum, feeling that she should have taken me out of the situation.

What I wanted was an acknowledgment of how I felt. And an apology. I would have loved that, and if she had said yes, I made mistakes thinking I was acting in your best interests but let's try and move on together.

She just pushed everything away when I tried to talk to her. She blamed my dad entirely, wouldnt take responsibility and was 'woe is me'. I found it very hard. She had a terrible time in her relationship with my dad, but she did nothing to fix it and inflicted it all on me, which she didn't see.

The more she begged for my attention, the more she pushed me away.

An honest apology and real, though painful, admission of the truth was all I wanted.

IlluminatiParty · 16/12/2019 09:00

Children don't have power to change things. Adults do. He's exercising his power to remove himself from an environment that is upsetting. I think you have to respect that. Maybe write a letter saying you love him and the door is always open but don't get into excuses about why you did X or y.

Beamur · 16/12/2019 09:00

I like millefioris advice.
Acknowledge your regret, apologising and offer kindness and love but wait for him to respond.
Sorry to hear you're not in a good place yourself. Are you splitting with your DP?

marchingonwithmother · 16/12/2019 09:01

Personally I'd get rid of the "partner" straight away, admit my mistakes and apologise to my son

PizzaExpressWoking · 16/12/2019 09:01

In the long term, it sounds like getting rid of your current nasty partner would benefit you and might well help you to heal the rift with your DS as well.

In the short term, I think you need to try to talk to your DS and listen to him, and apologise for anything you reasonably should apologise for. You can try to check whether he has a support network of friends to spend time with, and you can tell him that your door is always open. But ultimately he is an adult and you can't force him to visit you.

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