22 year old son alienating me and not coming home from uni for xmas

[Beebearjo]

My 22 year old eldest son has struggled with his mental health for many years now. When he came home from uni in the Summer things went from pleasant to terrible between us in a matter of weeks. Without any obvious trigger he started to behave like he hated me, expressed that he had an unhappy childhood that he is struggling to get over, hates my partner ( of 14 years with whom my relationship is also crumbling), and doesn't feel part of the family ( he has a much younger half brother and sister). Since going back to uni in September he has ignored nearly all my calls and only replies to texts if he needs something. He says he is not coming back for xmas. I have no idea where he is planning to be or who with, if anyone. I'm hurting so much. The thought of xmas without him is hard to contemplate. I had no idea he felt this way towards me. But the worst thing is that I know he must be hurting too and I can't help as I have been alienated. I have no idea how to be dealing with this situation and feel completely lost.

I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to come home for Christmas, he doesn’t feel that it’s home. He doesn’t want to be in a house with his abuser and enabler. Siblings who are treated differently than him. I’d rather stay on my own, and I have.

How you ever heard about children who grew up in a home where the parents weren’t together? Unhealthy relationships as adults following their parents footsteps.

If you had ever put any of your children first your man would have been gone years ago. Instead you went on to have children with him further alienating your eldest.

The money you have at the moment is worthless. Your children aren’t happy, and don’t delude yourself into thinking the younger ones don’t realise.

But of course it’s your choice. Personally I would, and have, live on the breadline than live with such a fine specimen of a man.

In your OP you say that there is no obvious trigger for him feeling like this. But then you say that your partner was abusive to him. It's not rocket science nor is it hard to figure out why he has mental health issues.

I honestly think the only way you fix your relationship with your son is to acknowledge that you failed him.

Your OP is all about how hard it is for you so I think you have quite a long way to go. Perhaps start by kicking out the abusive partner.

Can you arrange to go up “to give him his Christmas present/s”, I guess he might respond to that request? - take him for lunch, do a food shop to get supplies in for him, ask him what he needs and what he needs for his accommodation - just to keep a line of communication open maybe?

Walking and talking side by side, or in a car, is easier to communicate with those difficult subjects - rather than face to face, say across a table is what I found for some really hard two-way emotional stuff...

Can you see say via Facebook that he is socialising and doing ok?

Can you facetime him.

Do you have a little private Messenger group for online chat between his siblings and yourself...can you get his siblings to drop him notes so that you all chat daily about little things.....maybe get the siblings to ask when they will see him or what is he doing for Christmas?

Apologies if this is too simplistic, just observing from what a friend does in similar....

He was at the forefront of every decision I made. I thought I was a mum trying her best.

This is a script and a mantra that some women repeat to themselves and anyone else who will listen for years and years, in the hope that they can make it true just be saying it over and over like a stuck record.

Meanwhile their actions and decisions are often very much at odds with the words coming out of their mouths. Children are not stupid. They see through this. They can't always articulate it, but they know when they are being let down.

In the end, you did what you wanted to do, and your son got dragged along for the ride. Please don't insult his intelligence by trying to pretend otherwise. So, no. He wasn't always at the forefront of all your decisions. And he knows it.

We all make mistakes with our children - some more catastrophic than others. How this story ends for you is entirely dependent on how you choose to react now . It won't mend overnight and it might be a painful process for you, involving what at times will feel like a total character assassination.

But I'll warn you now, if you try to minimise, shift the blame, deny him his truth, or cast yourself as the helpless victim in all this, you risk losing him forever.

From moving out I didn't return home for Xmas, I was 19, preferred to cook my own dinner - and actually for a few years got a job in a hotel and worked Xmas day - rather that than go 'home' to my Mum, Abusive Stepfather and the 2 younger siblings who were clearly favourited. Sad thing is, Mum stayed with him to not have a broken home - but the siblings also never returned once they moved out. I'm close to them and facilitate a relationship with DM for my children as she has now left the SF, but I can never make total peace with it.

Obviously and quite rightly he feels betrayed by me. I had no idea.

But you know enough to know that your partner's cruelty was never physical, and you know enough to know that your son felt tolerated rather than wanted by his stepfather.

So which part of him feeling betrayed did you have no idea about? How did you suppose he was feeling all those years, watching you have two more children with a man who buliied him and treated him as a huge inconvenience?

Sorry but you have been an awful mother. The most important thing is to protect them from harm (not just physical but emotional) and you utterly failed. You need to accept that and tell him you know that now. How did you think it was ok at the time??

You haven't addressed the key issue, which is your partner being awful to your son and uou apparently not realising. This is the root cause. There is no point hiding from it. If you wish to resolve this you wouldn't.

Instead you're justifying your actions. Not addressing what your son has called you out on. And you have no desire to change the situation or deal with it.

It's all defensive, justifying and poor me, I tried so hard.

As said, a refusal to accept culpability and deal with it meaningfully means you've lost your son. Sadly I think this is the decision you're taking. Because it's easier than to rock the boat.

Again.

It's all defensive, justifying and poor me, I tried so hard.

This in my mother to a tee.

The result of that is that she sees me twice a year for about an hour and she hasn't seen my sibling in three years and quite possibly never will again. All because she's too proud and stubborn to take responsibility for her mistakes and too self absorbed to see that anyone else but her might have suffered because of them.

Op, I know you are getting a tough time but but hope you are still reading.

What year is your son at Uni? The most important thing is that you now prioritise his needs, which seems to respect his need for privacy. If he is going into final year then hs needs to focus without stress.

Just keep the door open, send him texts to let him know you are thinking of him. Be thoughtful in your interactions with him and tell him how sorry you are for causing him harm. You are a product of your childhood so if you didn't have empathy shown to you, you may struggle with empathy for your children now.

Re leaving your partner. I walked away from a high earning Ex knowing life would be tough financially. It is hard to adjust, no doubt about it, but you do get used to it.

You're all me me me and that's why he isn't coming back. You let him down and you let your husband treat your son badly and it's not about you. You need to apologise and tell your son how sorry you are, that's if you are actually sorry.

Would you prefer to spend Christmas with your partner or your son? Because he would prefer to spend it without your partner.

I'd ditch the partner and tell your son that you see how dp being a orick has damaged things between the two of you and that you've got rid of him because at last, you choose your son.

Horrible situation for you, and your son.

Iam really sorry to disagree here. If he is in uni, he is not a child. Both parents and children could make mistakes. Parents are just humans with loads of problems and responsibilities and loads agit of guilt feelings they carried on themselves all their lives. They need compassion. If at this age he can see what is right or wrong for his mates or girl friend or life prospect, he can see what’s good his mother is trying to do as well as how hard he is treating her. Sometimes sons take it on mothers because they can ...

University is often a revelation for young adults from dysfunctional home situations. I hope he’s made friends, realised as an adult he can make choices and is free to do so and is living a much healthier life.
It may take a few years of distancing himself before he can analyse how he feels about his family and decide if he wants a closer relationship, but the choice is still his. Try not to be manipulative.

He's now in a position not to have to spend Christmas with someone who he doesn't like and who made his childhood miserable. He's made his choice, please respect it. My DM remarried someone who was never very pleasant to me, although I was a bit older so the impact was less than your son has had to suffer.

As soon as I left home at 20 I never went back for Christmas as I had many more appealing options. He just wants to spend the time in the way he wants, not somewhere that doesn't make him happy. Don't try and guilt him into changing his mind, it won't work and you'll just piss him off more. My mother too claims that she put her children first; she didn't simply by choosing the husband she did.

You need to say sorry to him. That's your only chance of having a relationship with him in the future I think. My mother also put herself first and allowed all sorts of shit stuff to happen that never should have happened to children, and I too only really realised it wasn't normal when I was about 19 and spent time with other families and saw how un-nasty the dynamics were. I don't forgive her. If challenged, she says she can't remember. I'm not sure I'll be shedding a tear at her funeral, if I even go.