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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

22 year old son alienating me and not coming home from uni for xmas

66 replies

Beebearjo · 16/12/2019 01:00

My 22 year old eldest son has struggled with his mental health for many years now. When he came home from uni in the Summer things went from pleasant to terrible between us in a matter of weeks. Without any obvious trigger he started to behave like he hated me, expressed that he had an unhappy childhood that he is struggling to get over, hates my partner ( of 14 years with whom my relationship is also crumbling), and doesn't feel part of the family ( he has a much younger half brother and sister). Since going back to uni in September he has ignored nearly all my calls and only replies to texts if he needs something. He says he is not coming back for xmas. I have no idea where he is planning to be or who with, if anyone. I'm hurting so much. The thought of xmas without him is hard to contemplate. I had no idea he felt this way towards me. But the worst thing is that I know he must be hurting too and I can't help as I have been alienated. I have no idea how to be dealing with this situation and feel completely lost.

OP posts:
Paddy1234 · 16/12/2019 09:05

Er no - he was not at the forefront of every decision you made if you are still with your husband.
Let him be.

BlouseAndSkirt · 16/12/2019 09:06

And angry and hurt that my partner was sometimes pretty awful towards him when he was younger. It was occasional times and not physical but he was sometimes nasty and I think my son felt tolerated rather than welcomed by my partner. ( When I say partner I mean the man I have lived with for 14 years.. we have not been intimate proper partners for 10 of those but that's a whole other thread). Obviously and quite rightly he feels betrayed by me. I had no idea. He was at the forefront of every decision I made. I thought I was a mum trying her best. I thought our bond was solid and unbreakable. I now realise I have failed massively and wish I could turn back time

Tell him this. But not the bit about the non-relationship with your partner, that isn’t his problem and will only emphasise that you chose a dysfunctional relationship with this man over your Ds. New children with a man who “tolerates “ your Ds: he will have felt pushed out, yes.

Having said that, the adventure of an adult Christmas with friends can be attractive to a freewheeling 20 something.

Open heart, open door, don’t guilt trip him.

Summerandsparkle · 16/12/2019 09:12

How heartbreaking to hear so many stories of children being let down by their mothers when they start a new relationship

Yep. If DH died or we split up I’d never let another man into the house. I think it can work out but rarely.

1990shopefulftm · 16/12/2019 09:16

I wouldn't physically go and speak to him or contact the university either, give him the space he's asking for and apologise to him.

As a child he would have felt there was no choice but to spend time near your partner but as an adult he has the option and he's realised that that is what's best for his mental health and its best that you respect that.

ssd · 16/12/2019 09:18

I feel for your son. You've let him down badly.

AhoyMrBeaver · 16/12/2019 09:27

I feel for your son as well.

My childhood was sometimes grim for similar reasons to your son's, and being away at university sort of brought that into focus - I was suddenly living with happy people who enjoyed my company and each other's and it felt good. I chose to stay in my university city and work for most holidays.

You should leave him alone. He doesn't need cajoling or bringing back to the fold. He's making choices that are for his own good.

Dustarr73 · 16/12/2019 09:34

@Beebearjo at this point in time,its not about you.Hes an adult trying to get a handle on his childhood.Leave him be.Dont chase or guilt trip him.You will push him away completely.

zafferana · 16/12/2019 09:35

@Techway it's never going to be 100% great, but it's better. She had limited options at the time, I can see that now. She wanted to provide a home for her DC and couldn't afford to do that on her own (and our dad left her high and dry). She is not someone who is given to introspection, self-awareness or apologies and there will always be a barrier between us as a result of that. However, she has been a decent grandma to my kids, she's helped me out when I've really needed it and she is an important part of our lives. And I can't change the past, so I've had to make my peace with it, for my own sanity!

toodlethenoodle · 16/12/2019 09:35

I don't want to sound cruel but I think you reap what you sow.

And angry and hurt that my partner was sometimes pretty awful towards him when he was younger. It was occasional times and not physical but he was sometimes nasty and I think my son felt tolerated rather than welcomed by my partner.

When your partner was being pretty awful to him you as his mother should have protected him. If you're still with this partner you probably deserve what has happened and for your sons peace I would respect his decision.

zafferana · 16/12/2019 09:37

And no, DON'T go rushing to his uni and try to talk to him - this isn't about YOU, it's about HIM. Leave him be FGS. He's trying to get some space from you.

Mrsjayy · 16/12/2019 09:41

What do you want your son to do say ? The lad had a man forced on him who treated him badly I don't blame him for keeping his distance he is alienating himself because he is hurt and more than likely unwilling to put up with shit anymore he is an adult leave him alone and stop tryi g to make him feel guilty.

Bluntness100 · 16/12/2019 09:41

Can you expand on the fact your partner was awful to him but you didn't realise, this seems Illogical, how did that occur? Was it not done in front of you, did you not know?

I had an abusive childhood and I always maintain that children grow up, and when they do, they will cut you out their lives for either abusing or permitting abuse. Because they remember.

It seems your partners abuse of your child is at the forefront of this, so I think you need to explain how you didn't realise

Bluntness100 · 16/12/2019 09:48

I'd also add op, that for me, when I questioned my father on how he let it occur, it was his second wife who was predominantly the abuser, but not only her, he firstly tried to deny it, saying things like i didn't know, I don't remember, before crying and saying how can you ask me about this.

He did know. He was there. And I know he spoke to her on occasion about it, because I heard him, and the denial and making it all about him, instead of putting his hands up, apologising an explaining is what ultimately killed our relationship and is a large part of why we are no contact.

I also got the line of I was just trying my best. It's bullshit. No you were letting someone abuse your kid because it was easier for you.

So I'd say you need to apologise to him. And you need to take action against your partner to get him out, to show him the apology is real. If you can't do that, then you've lost your son for good.

5BlueHydrangea · 16/12/2019 09:55

In terms if mental health, you know your son best. If you have any fears that he may be suicidal you need to act - go there, inform uni support etc
However, if you feel that he does just genuinely need space, leave him a voicemail/text if he won't answer calls. Reinforce how much you love him, how he is welcome home at any time and you're sorry for negative things that have happened in the past. Leave that door firmly open, he may feel differently nearer the time.
Maybe send him a food parcel if you're sure he's staying there. Sensible food and treats too! But go easy on alcohol... if he's miserable already it really doesn't help.

Her0utdoors · 16/12/2019 09:57

I had a couple of Christmasses away from my dm at that age.
A combination of forming important adult friendship and wanting to be with them, and most importantly giving myself a distance from a miserable childhood while I got the hang of being a grown up.
At that age it didn't occur to me she might be upset by this arrangement.
She cancelled seeing me one year- on Xmas morning shortly before he was supposed to arrive, it was absolutely devastating.

Techway · 16/12/2019 10:25

She wanted to provide a home for her DC and couldn't afford to do that on her own (and our dad left her high and dry)

I hope that this has changed, but fear it isn't the case. Our courts (through fair financial support for mothers), welfare state and society should be helping to eradicate this need. It is a reason why mothers need to try to maintain financial independence.

Original poster
Beebearjo · 16/12/2019 10:41

Thank you for all your comments. They are really helpful.

To answer a few of the questions...

His uni is about 2 hours drive away. Of course I would like to go to see him but he does not reply to my attempts at contact so it is likely I would get there and wouldn't actually get to see him. As some posters have said I think he may see an unplanned visit as an invasion of his privacy. For these reasons I also think he would not thank me for talking to the uni. I know posters have differing opinions on this and I don't honestly know what the state of his mental health is as there has been so little contact since the summer. I know he is having a reasonable social life so I guess that's a positive.

Regarding councelling. When we talked in the summer we both agreed that each of us getting some councelling was a good idea. He arranged his with the uni and me via my workplace. I have had a few sessions but I get the impression that he hasn't been to his uni counselling.

With regards to my background, I had a father who was very authoritarian ( most likely gave me a stutter), had affairs during my childhood, split from my mother age 15 and had sporadic contact ever since following a pattern of picking me up then dropping me for a few years, then doing it again. We haven't been in contact for 7 years now. My teen years were pretty rough. Violent relationships, suicide attempt, pregnant at 21. But I got myself to uni on my own with my baby, and have been a professional in the nhs for many years now. I was an only child and desperately didn't want that for my son.

My partner treats the 2 youngest much differently in many respects. I know he feels guilty about his mistakes. We are over as a couple more of a parenting tag team around both our shift work although this hasn't been clearly said out loud betwen us yet. I have toletated this for many reasons I guess but being scared of going back to living in poverty, being scared of being absent from my 2 youngest and being scared of messing them up are the prime reasons I think. I know I need to face all this. And admitting that I have failed again.

OP posts:
Babyg1995 · 16/12/2019 10:45

No wonder he feels like that . I could never stay with a man who was horrible to my child even once .

AllideasAndNoAction · 16/12/2019 10:49

I think he is angry and hurt that his biological father is useless. And angry and hurt that my partner was sometimes pretty awful towards him when he was younger.

Well there you are then. You couldn't necessarily have done match about the first, but you could have done plenty about the second.

But what did you do? You married him. A man who was horrible to your only child, and you had more children with him so your son felt outnumbered and like an outcast in his own home.

You choose a man over your own child's wellbeing and happiness you will reap what you've sown eventually.

AllideasAndNoAction · 16/12/2019 10:50

OKay, I see you didn't marry him, not that it makes any difference to anything I just said.

ohwheniknow · 16/12/2019 10:51

He was at the forefront of every decision I made

That statement is incompatible with you having allowed a new partner into your home to emotionally abuse and neglect your son.

You need to be honest with yourself and take responsibility for being complicit in your defenceless child's abuse.

Evidence shows emotional neglect and abuse can be far more damaging for children in the long run than physical violence. So I would also suggest you pack in those minimising excuses about the damage you allowed others to cause your child.

Mrsjayy · 16/12/2019 10:52

You need to talk all that out and stop making it about just your feelings of failure this man who is the dad to your other kids treated your son like shit that is his failing as a decent human being

ohwheniknow · 16/12/2019 10:53

Maybe get yourself on the Freedom Programme course. Among other things they can teach you about the impact all this had on your son. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

zafferana · 16/12/2019 10:56

I agree @Techway. Actually, the best thing my parents did for me was to send me to boarding school. There I learned self-sufficiency, which was the one thing I needed to be able to get away from the mess they'd created between them. My DSis, who stayed at a day school and was therefore stuck at home, in a toxic environment, ended with depression Sad

zafferana · 16/12/2019 11:04

OP I'm glad to see you are having some therapy. Hopefully this will help you to unpick your own unhappy childhood and the negative patterns it has probably created in your adult life. I do think though that you need to be brutally honest with yourself. You say you put your DS first, but you didn't - you put your desire to give him siblings first and that is not the same thing. You may feel that you were just a mum doing your best and it's clear that your upbringing did not prepare you for parenthood or give you a model of healthy adult relationships, but if you want to heal things with your DS you need to see things from his POV, which is that you put YOUR needs first. You need to be honest about that, both with yourself and with him.

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