I don't recognise my child any more relationship wrecked

[HeartbrokenMum]

I'm a single mum to a 19 yr old who has become a complete nightmare to live with.

Disgusting, dirty habits that are affecting my health, taking mick financially massively, hugely disrespectful even aggressive, emotional blackmail if I try to put foot down or even just try to discuss in a way that isn't just me giving in to all their demands, does nothing to help at home even waking me to cook for them

I feel like I am living with a stranger and an aggressive unpredictable one too.

I have tried so many different things to try and sort this out and none of it has worked at all

Endless talking promises and apologies from them too quickly forgotten next day

I'm completely exhausted and heartbroken but also angry

I dunno what to do

Dad not on scene at all I have nobody to turn to in real life I feel on verge of collapse even physically help me please

What a difficult situation. She sounds mean and thoughtless. Is there no one else who could talk to her?

I don’t know even if this is a thing or anyone does this type of thing but seeing a life coach or careers advisor first rather than therapy (which it sounds like she could use)

Somebody separate that could talk her through her options rather than waste her life in a job she hates.

For me I hated working in an office. Sometimes people say things about being a special snowflake but just for my own mh I can’t work in an office.
I used to work in one of those cubicle things and find myself with tears running down my face and sobbing and I could not have told you why.

FWIW I never cry unless over a death.

Years later I had my horoscope done and one of the things that stuck out was that I should not work in an office environment.

I work mainly outside and am far happier

Thing is OP if she was away at university or elsewhere she wouldn't be telling you where she was going or when she would be back, she'd just be doing what she wants. I would let that go as she is an adult.

Why do you need to know where she's going and when she'll be back home?

Oliversmumsarmy she has seen careers people, I've offered and actually done research for her on jobs and education she's interested in that she's asked me to but then she doesn't follow through. I can't do it all for her and neither can the careers advisers. Even in the job she's in the boss has suggested a sideways move that would suit her and which they'd love to have her do but she has a form she has to complete to sort that and it's been sat there weeks.

Funny thing though working outside my idea of hell! I've mainly worked in offices and that suits me everyone's different. I hate the cold and wet and I struggle to warm up even just going shops etc I really feel the cold.

SnuggyBuggy

She's not at uni though, she's still at home and living with her mum, who cares about her, and I think it's natural to worry in the circumstances I described. I didn't even ask her to say when she'd be back she chose to say, I've said several times to her not to give me a time if she's not sure, that it's not strictly necessary.

If she was at uni I also wouldn't know she wasn't home, it's not the same.

I also don't ask where she's going or expect her to tell me, sometimes I'll ask if she's going into town/a particular shop if going out in day, just as I may ask her to pick something up if she is on occasion, but if she's not its fine. And she'll do the same with me if she notices I'm heading out "if you're near A shop can you grab me b" type thing I don't think that's unusual.

Do the posters saying to not expect her to let me know if that changes after she has chosen to give me a time, or to indeed not give me any idea what she's doing at all, do you have teens/young adult children yet? And if so did you REALLY not worry if they were out all hours with no information whatsoever? I find that hard to believe.

Certainly when I lived at home as an adult child it was considered a courtesy to let my parents know roughly what I was doing and my sibling did the same. Even when I was married to her dad I considered it a courtesy to him and him to me to roughly let each other know what we were doing in order to organise certain things and so the person at home wasn't worrying. Same in flat shares to a point even.

Another factor is the type of door lock we have as we don't live in the nicest area and so I like to lock up properly where possible if she's not coming home at all (again not a problem, she often stays over at friends houses, but I feel vulnerable if alone, asleep and door not totally secure and we have had people trying to get in before and to be honest she's the same if I'm staying out which is rare but sometimes I stay with friends for a weekend if eg going to a concert in our nearest city as it's easier and a lot cheaper than getting a taxi home)

And I do like to have a heads up if she's heading home with someone in tow at a time I'm likely to be popping in/out of shower because the stupid layout of our flat is that the front door has direct line of sight to the bathroom and so to avoid any embarrassment for anyone, I think that is fair.

Do the posters saying to not expect her to let me know if that changes after she has chosen to give me a time, or to indeed not give me any idea what she's doing at all, do you have teens/young adult children yet? And if so did you REALLY not worry if they were out all hours with no information whatsoever? I find that hard to believe.

Of course I worry. It's my default

But her life isn't my life to live - I'm her mother not her prison guard

At 19 my DD makes her own choices about where she goes and when and who with

@HeartbrokenMum

I feel for you - but you make a lot of excuses to explain to us why you can't discipline/sanction your daughter effectively and why you have to do things the way you do them

I say to you , with respect :

When you do what you've always done; you'll get what you've always got.

The thing is you can be the best mum in the world but as they get older and have other influences they become so disrespectful... if you have done all you can and they don't wanna work with you or compromise and are over 18 you have to set your stall out and let them crack on in the big world alone .. why should you sacrifice your happiness any longer ... it's not fair I have a friend in he same position same she is depressed through her sons behavior and seeing a psychologist as she keeps crying about her life and the trigger is her son ... I speak from having 3 grown up children and have had my own battles with them ... what about you it's your time now you have done your part as a mother... your child is an adult now ... like others have said of it don't change send them on there way !!

Some of this is undoubtedly you I'm afraid. A 19 year old should not be treating your home like a hotel but all this drama of wanting to know her comings and goings is mad. No wonder she feels irritated. And you need to be more decisive in your parenting.

At 19, you shouldn't be out of pocket to keep her.
Basic rate for housekeeping should cover the water, heating etc but if she isn't going to give you any respect why are you feeding her too?! (I'd perhaps say on nights you are cooking for yourself you will do enough for her if she lets you know she will be home but otherwise you will assume she won't be, and she can fend for herself)

She should pay extra for all those extras, WiFi etc. I don't suppose you can switch the phone account into her name though.

For what it's worth, I smoked a lot of weed once upon a time as a teenager. I'd grown out of being vile way before I turned 19 though and would just come home and hide upstairs so she wouldn't notice the red eyes or whole packets of biscuits I was munching my way through.

You aren't wrong to worry OP and the door situation is tricky but she isn't in the wrong for not telling you either. I remember my DM saying how she used to worry but that she kept it to herself because we were adults and it wasn't her business why we were out late.

I feel for you - but you make a lot of excuses to explain to us why you can't discipline/sanction your daughter effectively and why you have to do things the way you do them

I see this as well. Unless you start with some tough love, nothing will improve. She's behaving like a spoilt little madam and that needs to stop right now.

As I have said I have a 19 year old and whilst I might not know exactly where she is she does let me know when she is going out, a rough idea of where she is going and a general time when she is going to be home.
She might not call me or text me for 2 days.

Dd has noticed that her friends don’t contact their dps or tell them where they are going or what time they are going to be back.
When she is out their parents are ringing and ringing to find out where their dc are.Dd insists they answer as once they have had contact then they don’t ring again.

I think in teens it seems to be quite common to not think about telling parents where they are going or when they will be back.

I still think a life coach might be the answer. Although I think she has to come to that decision herself for her to get the most out of it.

I must admit the only careers advisors I have met are not exactly inspiring.
They either just want to funnel dc into university or base everything on what GCSEs they have.

When she is in more of an open mood to chat about her life. The question is does she see herself still doing the same job in 10 or 5, or next year. If she answers yes the question would be would she be happy.
If the answer was no then when is she planning to do to change the situation.

I am presuming she works in an office and the comfort of the steady pay check is what is keeping her there. But at what cost if she is deep down unhappy.

Rather than wasting her younger years if she doesn’t know what she wants to do then maybe she should try different things. Dd does numerous jobs. Some are once every few months some are 2-3 times per week.
Sometimes it is being brave, cutting the safety net and knuckling down and working hard. Friends, going out and having fun has to come second whilst she figures her life out.
Dd earns more money than if she was in a ft job but it has taken her 18 months to get here. She does work probably harder and longer shifts but then has random days in the week when she chooses not to work so she can go out with a friend.

Oliversmum, can I ask what type of work your daughter does?

You need to get a grip ... she chooses to buy and smoke weed with your money and do nothing to help you or give back in return , she isn't 14 she is an adult who knows if she says sorry the circle will start again.. you haven't failed her she is making these choices as an adult ... you need to set your stall out and stick to it give her one more chance and if she mess's up kick her out ... the vicious circle will continue until you allow it to...

I know this from experience I have 4 boys and1 daughter

What an emotional thread and an emotional situation. You sound like a great mum, and it sounds like you have done a fantastic job under difficult circumstances. I don't have teenagers, but I have worked in that area, and have life experience. It sounds like you have raised her with good values. As you note there have been other factors out of your control too.

I agree it is hard to kick a young person. Sofa surfing carries risks. However there may be alternatives if the situation doesn't improve. To stay with friends, or to move into a studio flat on her own.

Frank is not really aimed at parents. I haven't used it but think it is more about the physical symptoms of what happens when you take drugs. Drugs may or may not be a serious issue. Tell her you do not want drugs under your roof. Personally I would tell her you don't approve of drugs as they can cause devastation to peoples lives.

If I'm reading between the lines, she sounds like she wants to please you, possibly gets led by others and is testing boundaries, to the extent of taking advantage.

Its really hard and exhausting but continue to model boundaries and not give in.

1. She has to pay back what she owes you.

1. She has to follow 3-4 simple house rules

1. She has to show manners and be considerate

1. She has to find stable work she enjoys

If you have to push her, do it.

Be extremely careful with what you freely give her. Never give more than you are comfortable with not getting back.

She may not fully see and appreciate all you have done, she may do in time.

Wish you well OP.

Just a small thing OP to break the habit of £10 here and £10 there i just made sure i never had any cash. I don't need cash in the house and can use my cards when out or online. It's helped break the habit.

totally understand how you feel. we need to take different action since what we've done the past 2 years haven't worked at all...the cycle continues we really need to say "enough" for their sake as much as ours

take care keep us updated we're here to strengthen each other since we've made parenting into a FULL TIME exhausting job xx

Sorry I haven't been back to the threat till now. Partly shame, partly not wanting to think about it all I really don't know what to do.

Or more like I'm scared of doing what I think I need to do.

I already suffer with serious depression she knows this. I can't actually remember the last time she asked me how I was, or if there was anything I needed (except during a row when I get "what do you want me to do?" Roared at me) unless it's in order to extract a favour!

I've just checked as it was by text, I've done her 2 major favours just this week - not even a "thanks" I'm a fucking mug!!!!!

I've been trying to be more relaxed with her comings and goings result has been she's taken the piss! Coming in VERY noisily at 3/4/5am!

At one point I had to say no way as she was literally trying to bring in a lad she'd only just met (literally half hour earlier!) to stay overnight!

My objection wasn't moral it was not wanting a 6ft bloody rough looking strange man in the room next to me with me probably lying awake all night knife in hand just in case or waking to find he'd robbed us blind (not that we've much worth stealing!)! And yet again I was painted as unreasonable, when on this no way was I!! (and please don't try and persuade me otherwise because I really won't be told I should compromise my safety and peace of mind to accommodate a 19 year old who doesn't give a stuff!)

Her room is absolutely filthy! The state she's leaving things is unhygienic and not always obvious even for me to clean up after her because I don't bloody know the mess is there until it starts stinking! Her best friend and I have both had upset stomachs last week and I'm sure it's down to her growing God knows what in that bloody tip of a room!!

I tried switching the phone account into her name and the company wouldn't let me! I did cancel all the extras which is saving me about £15 a month and there's only 6 months left on the contract.

Oh god the biscuits! Packets of biscuits being half consumed and the remains being stuffed behind furniture!!

The money lending was much better this month. I kept my foot down for most of it and she didn't ask until a couple days ago, only £10 though she asked for more, and she gets paid soon BUT I was clear it was the absolute last time and this time I think she heard me because she'd have liked to borrow more and hasn't asked again and because I wasn't "in a bad mood" when I was saying to her it was the last time, she could see I was calm, measured and determined and from previous experience that's been more effective. Either way it IS the last time. She can bloody well go hungry next time!). It's not a cash situation it's online transfers which are very easy to do. She knows it's easy. But if she asks again it will be a no!

Blew up again today because I asked her to do me a favour that was literally a 2 min easy job for her but would have been something very difficult and time consuming for me to do because of health issues.

She blew up at me even though she's not been doing as asked, not been sticking to the deal we made when this all started. I've been treading on eggshells, biting back the words, calculating when best to approach her about making certain arrangements necessary to running a home, living with another person because if I don't and to be quite honest even though I did the second I even ask "are you working tomorrow?" "I'm making X for tea will I make you some?" I get roared at!

She's had tons of career advice, she's got good qualifications and experience for her age, she has options, me and others have had endless conversations with her that she's started and she seems keen on whatever but then does nothing about it and even if we wanted to we can't apply or make appointments for her!

It is a good wage she's getting more than many adults with family responsibilities do, only needs to pay me a nominal keep and I agree it must be very enticing. But she's frittering it all away! She complains she's not got her driving licence when her friends have theirs despite that for her 17th birthday me and the rest of the family gave her money to get her provisional and lessons - frittered!!

This is not her first job, it's her 3rd but first full time one.

Earlier when we were arguing I was saying she needs to leave because I've had enough, it's at that point in arguments I start getting the empty apologies and promises because "I've no money I'd have to sleep on the streets"

Have any of you actually thrown your kids out? If so what happened? My fear is (and she knows this and threatens it and as she barely speaks to me now) is that she'll hate me forever and never speak to me again. I don't think I could bear that.

I feel so sad, angry, frustrated, used, made a fool of, laughed at, humiliated, embarrassed, ashamed, fed up!