I don't recognise my child any more relationship wrecked

[HeartbrokenMum]

I'm a single mum to a 19 yr old who has become a complete nightmare to live with.

Disgusting, dirty habits that are affecting my health, taking mick financially massively, hugely disrespectful even aggressive, emotional blackmail if I try to put foot down or even just try to discuss in a way that isn't just me giving in to all their demands, does nothing to help at home even waking me to cook for them

I feel like I am living with a stranger and an aggressive unpredictable one too.

I have tried so many different things to try and sort this out and none of it has worked at all

Endless talking promises and apologies from them too quickly forgotten next day

I'm completely exhausted and heartbroken but also angry

I dunno what to do

Dad not on scene at all I have nobody to turn to in real life I feel on verge of collapse even physically help me please

I definitely feel a failure. I spoke to ask frank last night though didn't find them especially helpful really

We were never "like sisters" sorry if I mislead you there that's not what I meant it was always a mother dd relationship and there were clear boundaries and discipline which she didn't always like of course and mid argument she'd tell me I was being too strict expecting too much other parents weren't as strict etc (found out that wasn't true of course) but I've found it really hard to work out how to move from parenting a child to parenting an adult especially with us still living together

I had obviously wrongly thought I'd done a good job and raised a good person who didn't go off the rails seems like it just delayed things and now cos she's an adult the only discipline available to me is kicking her out! Which I really don't want to do but I've tried talking I've tried explaining in so many ways hell I've tried begging ranting all sorts

We've had rows but never anything but the most temporary blips and soon resolved and the things we rowed about were changed and we moved on

Now she's just ignoring me it's so insulting it's like she just says what I want to hear but doesn't even attempt to stick to it and I've bent over backwards to help her when she's said that a certain thing is difficult for whatever reason so I've come up with solutions to make things easier for both of us and it's still not enough cos she seems to think just cos she works full time now and I don't so I have more time to do things she seems to think that means she doesn't have to lift a finger! But her having a bigger income than me also doesn't stop her from constantly borrowing from me but it's never repaid it's small but frequent amounts and she now owes me quite a significant sum equivalent to almost 3 months housekeeping money and her housekeeping money doesn't even cover all it costs for her to live here as in it doesn't cover all the food she eats energy she uses etc but she even thinks that's unfair it's less than a quarter of her wage too so I don't think that's unfair i left home young as I said but I went back at a later stage as a full time working adult and my sibling also lived at home after getting into full time work and we paid housekeeping and my friends all did too and even from talking to her friends parents despite her claiming otherwise they're having to pay housekeeping too

I'm too embarrassed to talk to any of them about what's going on but I know through dd that a couple of them have had similar problems with their adult kids not behaving well though none have got this bad so that's another reason I feel a failure those mums seem to have been able to sort it out yet I haven't

Sorry if I'm not making sense I'm aware I'm rambling I've had no sleep

Sorry meant also to say that maybe another reason I'm struggling is because I didn't have these problems with my mum mainly cos I would never ever have dared to speak to her or treat her like mine is me

And my mum isn't scary or strict especially she's quite a laid back person but also my mum never needed to be with me maybe I'm weird but I always behaved well never thought it was unfair that I had to pay housekeeping I was earning a full time wage and I knew a roof food and heating wasn't bloody free from unicorns! I also knew rooms and houses and any mess I created eg from eating a meal didn't bloody magically clean itself up either

I thought I had raised dd with the same values as it was just the 2 of us from secondary school age on she was expected to do her bit to keep our home clean and tidy and comfortable she moaned occasionally but not in any major way and was actually quite proud that unlike many of her friends some of whom didn't do any chores at all she knew how to do certain tasks

Now she seems to think she's lady of the house and I'm the bloody maid!

OP on the contrary I know several people who probably saved their relationships with their parents by putting some distance between them. Obviously I don't know what resources you have but I'd start exploring options

Genuinely interested in hearing more about when making your child move out helps cos I'm feeling pretty shit about the idea

Resources not great to be honest

At times dd has even threatened to move out but she just wastes her money before the month is half over she's skint so I don't trust that she'd be able to save up for deposit etc that's reminded me I meant to make some phone calls about that will do that now

The people I knew either moved out by going away to university or by working abroad, for example I knew someone who worked as a holiday rep and another who taught English as a foreign language

I think she needs to move out. I don't think you're doing your relationship any favours letting the current dynamic continue.

Just going back to the weed.
It has definitely been linked to mental health problems now (quite new research)
Would she respond to the suggestion that it could permanently mess with her mental health if she doesn’t stop (obviously just said in a matter of fact way so as to avoid antagonising her)
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/society/2019/feb/13/cannabis-smoking-in-teenage-years-linked-to-adulthood-depression

Sorry - I wasn't implying that you had a sister sister relationship - just that I hated them - I was getting my own rant in there OP - apologies.

TBH I don't think you have done anything wrong OP. She is a teenager and this is how a lot of them carry on. The fact that she is acting like the boss of the house after you spending all your money, years and energy raising her is not good. I do think you need a break from each other. Maybe spread her wings - go away for the summer to work or something along those lines. That will give her an idea of real life and how much it costs to keep and feed yourself and her constantly.
Either that or you will probably have to ask her to get her own place.

Also regarding the money that you have lent her - you should definitely call her on this loan and this cannot continue especially when you are on a lower amount. That is just not doable in the long term.

I know weed affects mental health and personally I think she has at least one mh issue anyway but she refuses to even discuss it let alone go to dr! And I'm not the only person that's said this to her either friends and teachers have too she won't listen won't do anything to improve things. Yet again it's me gets the brunt cos she gets really irritable and aggressive and goes off at me.

Plus she won't admit it to me even if I asked directly she makes out to me she's still completely anti drugs and idiot that I am I believed her! In my defence I've never noticed her appearing stoned nor smelt it on her and I would notice these I'm not completely stupid but I suspect what she's been doing is when she is she's stayed over at friends houses so I don't see or avoided me in other ways.

I know the money situation can't continue - I can't bloody afford it!!!!!!!

She doesn't seem to care though. Her dad was shit with money too, had a good job but completely incapable of saving and often in debt which on his wage was really unnecessary. Not drugs in his case just wasted it on crap! When we were together I had to take charge of the finances cos he was just hopeless. He just assumed there'd always be money available from 'somewhere' if he overspent.

I've sat down with her numerous times to work out budgets even tried me having her bank card unless she specifically needed to get something (her idea) but then when I did as she suggested and said to her things like 'do you really need that?' She'd just go off again and be all 'it's my money I can spend it how I like' as if it was all my idea and I was deliberately keeping her money from her so I was the one that said I didn't want to keep doing that. She can't seem to control herself

And I'll be honest one major worry is that even if she does move out she'll still expect me to bail her out with rent etc which I really can't afford to do. I can't afford to run 2 homes.

I've just spoken to a sort of advice person but to be honest everything they've suggested (clear boundaries, set conditions for continuing to live here, no more money mismanagement etc) I've already tried and it's not worked.

If I refuse to lend her money she completely loses her temper and I end up giving in just to be left alone cos she comes into my room and keeps on at me until I do even busting through the door if I block it. Screaming at me how awful a mum I am I'm pathetic aren't I?

Just tell her you don't have the money and keep repeating it. If she asks why tell her it is because running a house is bloody expensive and she is not helping matters by not paying her proper share.

You are not an awful mum.

Just been speaking to shelter because I thought it a good idea to at least get information I'll admit I was also worried if I could be in trouble for throwing her out.

Weirdly the conversation sparked an idea as I seem to have some leverage at the moment cos as far as she's concerned right now I've thrown her out.

She's refused to even consider going to dr getting any help getting therapy etc which I think she does need

Do you guys think it realistic or is it an awful idea to say she can come home but include conditions of her going to dr getting help and showing that she is doing something to change things? Is that a terrible idea?

Ffs I fell for it again she seemed to be being genuinely sorry then as soon as I gave any sign of being kind back to emotional blackmail!

I was feeling sad and guilty now I'm back to angry

Anyone please?

She isn't going to change her ways, she has no reason to. The sad thing is you have agreed between you that she can treat you appallingly and you will do nothing meaningful about it. Stand up for yourself she is an adult and she has to go. Pack her bags and set them in the hallway. Then tell her she can take herself or you will drive her to the council. If she refuses to leave then call the police and stay strong she has to go.

You have to draw up your own boundaries here and stick to them and have a bit of faith in your own parenting.

It's clear that you can't have her back home just yet. You shouldn't be barricading yourself in a bedroom in your own home. Where is she staying right now? Apologies if I've missed this in the thread.

Stop all money immediately. No more loans, no more tenners here and there. If you must, buy her what you feel she needs when you feel she needs it. Don't hand over cash.

I have a 20 year old DD myself and she's at uni. I don't have experience in what you're going through (although they're all a bit of a pain at this age!) and I think this is down to personalities. Mine just wouldn't speak to me like this - the worst she's said is ' please go away' once a few years back. So this leads me to think that it's purely her and her alone and absolutely nothing you have done. It's just how she is right now and sounds like she needs to not be in your home while she comes through it.

You can be a supportive mum without her in the house. And she clearly cannot behave and isn't taking you seriously so you need to show her you mean business now

All those years of raising kids I do think the point where they're practically raised is the hardest.

I've just read your posts a couple of times and have got a bit confused. DD is currently out and trying to weasel her way back in is that right?

Your idea is a good one, but I fear that once she's back home you will be back to square one.

Do you want to let her back? Does she have anywhere else she can go, albeit temporarily?

I think the first thing you need to do is stop providing money. I know she's been horrible when you've tried this before but this is one very specific thing you can focus your strength on.

The crucial thing is to not doubt yourself though. You can do this! It's not an unreasonable request that an adult child in your home follows some very basic rules - of which one is 'be pleasant'

Mumunderthemoon I know you're probably right but I'm finding it very very hard to take such a hard line (although her texts that I'm leaving her to sleep on the streets, starve to death etc are making it easier especially as I'm hearing from elsewhere that she's fine)

Misssmithtoyou I found it so much easier when she was younger when I had things I could do to reign her in like grounding her if she stepped out of line. Finding it so much harder to deal with this stage when I have so few options

DD is currently out and trying to weasel her way back in is that right? - yes basically that's the current situation, before I started replying to her texts they were all nice and sorry and seemed to show she knows she's done wrong pretty much as soon as I started answering because I wasn't all 'I'm sorry too come home we'll make up' she's gone on the attack with emotional blackmail, personal jibes and threats of the most awful kind and it would be my fault type thing. In the past that would have panicked me but she's done it so often now it isn't having the affect its just pissing me off.

Your idea is a good one, but I fear that once she's back home you will be back to square one. - yea that's my worry too that she'd go to one appointment then blow it off which she's done in the past or I've even made appointments for her and then she's not gone or cancelled and not told me

Honestly? No I don't want her back while there's even a hint of her keeping behaving so shitty to me! It's far too much stress and my health isn't great anyway which she knows

I have said banks closed! And I'm sticking to that

I doubt myself all the time as a mum I'm always worrying I'm too strict not strict enough ask too much don't ask enough I find it so hard to work out which level of things is right

And she will pick up on this uncertainty from you. Even your user name smacks of a sadness etc

Honestly - assert yourself as credible parent! A nice but firm tone to your texts. ' I do love you and care for you but your behaviour over a long period of time means that, for now, you're unable to be at home and I won't be changing my stance on this until I see some real tangible improvements'

And stick to it!

And don't get drawn into text tennis. ' I've said all I have to say and will now be charging my phone up and not looking at it again this evening. I'll drop you a text tomorrow and see how you are. Night'

Just be unmoving but nice.

You're overthinking OP and giving off passive vibes which signal 'Walk all over me why don't you?'.
I'm sorry to be so blunt, but if you displayed some self respect, some iron clad boundaries, some outrage at her behaviour and just STOPPED, all the pacifying, all the giving in to her every whim ......
Be strong OP.
You have every right to live a life free from anxiety, unhappiness and despair. And be kind to yourself.
She sounds like a manipulative madam who knows exactly which strings to pull to get what she wants. Not good.
She needs to move out. And you need some assertiveness training.

I also think one of the hardest parts of dealing with this age is the inability to stop wanting to be a mum. But what you're dealing with here is an adult, acting like a horrible child and then trying to pull the adult card when you try and call her out on her behaviour.

I think you do need some space from her. Where is she staying, is she safe? If the answer to that is more or less yes. Then you need to let her be for a while and look after you.