I don't recognise my child any more relationship wrecked

[HeartbrokenMum]

I'm a single mum to a 19 yr old who has become a complete nightmare to live with.

Disgusting, dirty habits that are affecting my health, taking mick financially massively, hugely disrespectful even aggressive, emotional blackmail if I try to put foot down or even just try to discuss in a way that isn't just me giving in to all their demands, does nothing to help at home even waking me to cook for them

I feel like I am living with a stranger and an aggressive unpredictable one too.

I have tried so many different things to try and sort this out and none of it has worked at all

Endless talking promises and apologies from them too quickly forgotten next day

I'm completely exhausted and heartbroken but also angry

I dunno what to do

Dad not on scene at all I have nobody to turn to in real life I feel on verge of collapse even physically help me please

I am so sorry your going through this .
Open a second account and move your money over..
Then you can show her the account she knows you have is empty....
For a month just buy food as you need it for a meal.... So the fridge is empty, just tell her your broke, can't afford food as she owes you do much.money
Start playing her at her own game,. Agree with her instead of arguing .
Your a bad mum,. I will be on the streets, yes dear, and when I can't pay next month's rent I will join you, I sleep on the right.
There is no good in the house, yes dear. It costs money, I am broke till next month, here have some dry bread....

In every other part of my life every other relationship I am miss assertive! Even gobby! Honestly I've done assertiveness training I've been people's bosses and dealt with some horrific piss takers well including my ex

But with dd I find it much much harder but you're right she is probably well aware of this and using it

Last load of "text tennis" (very good description actually) was me saying

I want you to change this, this and this and prove it by telling me HOW you are going to do that with detailed plans

And her saying "but I've said I'm sorry and I'll change I can't prove it unless you let me come home" but she hasn't given any specifics

Tell her how much you need from her to run the house.
Say look it up and see how much it will cost you if you leave home
You left as you refuse to share costs, you are no longer a child, if you can't see this then as an adult you can move out, so there is no need to feel it is me controling this relationship.
When you have a partner, they will also expect you too share cost.

I think you are worried op that if you say she can’t come back then that will be the last you see of her.

I think a compromise if she is in agreement that she might like to go doing a job abroad for a year or so.
Someone mentioned upthread working as a rep. Or getting a job on a cruise ship Or something else where you get given accommodation etc.

That way it isn’t like you have kicked her out but she is just working away for several months and hopefully she will come back grown up.

At the moment I don’t think her job is making her happy.

I think you do have to have a face to face meeting with her but not in your home, maybe somewhere a little public.

I have a 19 year old and although she works anything from 6 - 14 hour days a lot of the time or goes from job to job through the day she struggles with getting enough sleep and we were discussing how when she is over tired how her behaviour is affected. She admitted she couldn’t do a ft job. She will schedule random days off during the week to either go out with her friend (friend has a similar career) or just to sleep.

She argued with me over the housekeeping when she first got her job.

I wrote down for her our rent, council tax, bills, grocery costs etc she still argued with me and I ended up agreeing to a lower amount than I intended to. Not disastrous not ideal though

She knows how much costs are round here, the housekeeping isn't even as much as she'd pay for a house share and includes roof, council tax, heating & hot water, wifi, groceries (she seems to think that only means food as if she never uses loo roll or handwash or persil...), Netflix, AND her bloody old mobile phone that is still in contract but she doesn't use as she treated herself to latest model soon as she got a job!!

I don't think she's stupid I think she knows she's got it good but is hoping I'm stupid enough to think she is.

I think you are worried op that if you say she can’t come back then that will be the last you see of her.

Yes I'm terrified of losing her that's been what I've seen happen when kids are thrown out

She used to love her job is now saying she hates it but I think it's very possible that actually she was in like a honeymoon phase with it where she only saw the good stuff and she's now naturally going through a period of only seeing the bad but I've even says to her fine look for another job go to college if you like I'll help you with looking for jobs if you let me know what ones you fancy but she's done that but when I've then sent her links and suggestions she doesn't fancy them or doesn't make the effort of applying same with college courses

I can't do it all for her and even before she was an adult I didn't do I don't understand why she's expecting me to now

She is also a nightmare for not eating or sleeping properly and that makes her mood worse for sure

Kick her out. Say it. Mean it. Stick to it.

Offer all and any support you can without having her under your roof.

You need to take this risk now or have her see you as weak and to blame for her failures all your life.

You make it sound so easy I wish it was that easy

This isn't going to get better by continuing as it is.

Yes I'm terrified of losing her that's been what I've seen happen when kids are thrown out

I think that depends on how you throw them out. I have had DD's BF living with us for several years now, in that time he has barely seen his parents but theirs was a very acrimonious existence and he was thrown out at the beginning of his A level year.

You have genuinely tried and had everything thrown back at you, she will grow up and realise what a bitch she was to you but for the time being I think you need to meet, maybe take her for lunch, explain how hard her behaviour has been for you and suggest that you need to live apart for a while. Invite her for Sunday lunches, start to develop an adult relationship with her, make it clear that you need to develop a different kind of relationship with her, that you still will be there for her and be her mum but you can not continue with the way things have been and your bank account is now closed.

I know that I have (so far) avoided being where you are now by a cats whisker, and honestly in your shoes I don't think I'd have the strength to follow it through so I really am sending you all the luck in the world.

She used to love her job is now saying she hates it but I think it's very possible that actually she was in like a honeymoon phase with it where she only saw the good stuff and she's now naturally going through a period of only seeing the bad but I've even says to her fine look for another job go to college if you like I'll help you with looking for jobs

I think a complete change of direction might be what she needs not another 9-5 type job in the same area.

I might be barking up the wrong tree but I think suggesting a complete change, something that lasts 6-9 months to a year or 2 to reset the dynamics.

I was suggesting a job abroad or the cruise ship type route it wouldn’t feel like you were kicking her out, more that she was working abroad.

SnuggyBuggy that's true

Billybagpuss no offence but do you really know how the boyfriend was behaving at home? and what the parents tried?

I've been talking to people that know us both in real life too and finally admitting some of how bad she is and they are shocked and if anything I've played it down not told them the worst stuff they're shocked because they see a completely different side to her she's totally different with them

Why she thinks I deserve all her bad side I don't know

I also had messages from her friends basically saying I was being too harsh when it became clear she had massively underplayed what had happened they've no clue how bad it is though they have seen glimpses of the temper

Thanks for the good wishes too I wish I had a crystal ball to know what to do for the best

She was considering a travel related job but very competitive and often don't take on until 21 or older. That was less to do with the job and more that where we live is to be honest a bit of a shithole with

She's texting me now with slightly more detailed promises but still feels quite half hearted and more out of having to do it so I'll let her come home

It's late, you're not discussing anymore tonight, tell her you'll meet her for coffee, tomorrow and discuss then. Put your phone on do not disturb.

She is starting to get the fact that you mean business this time and won't be your usual pushover self. Don't give in as if you do this will be your life until she eventually leaves home. Also if her friends continue to message or call you tell them a few home truths and don't hold back. They need to know that they are dealing with a street angel / house devil and really get what is going on.

She knows I'm a night owl and so this is actually a good time to talk to me weirdly

I'm not giving in I'm challenging her where she is still being vague and asking her to expand when she says things like

I'll improve my attitude

To explain how she's going to manage that

A few of the friends have had a couple of the home truths and even said they'll be saying to her that behaviour is out of order

Before this I would have said to them not to say anything well actually I wouldn't have said it now I'm a bit don't care about it cos I've so had enough

Billybagpuss no offence but do you really know how the boyfriend was behaving at home? and what the parents tried?

Certainly no offence taken 🙂you never know what goes on behind closed doors, I know enough to know that he was better away from the environment and I’ve had people who know the family really well tell me the same and how much better he is doing.

Marking my place

Why she thinks I deserve all her bad side I don't know

Have you asked her? We all know you won’t get a straight answer but sometimes just saying things can get her questioning herself.

Get tough and stop doing things for her

Her: mum can I borrow some money
You: no
Her: but I've run out until payday so don't have any
You: it's still a no, you gave plenty of money each month you need to manage it better so it lasts until pay day

Her: mum I'm hungry, can you make me some dinner
You: no, you know where the kitchen is
Her: but I can't be bothered
You: looks like you will be hungry then

You have to make her responsible for herself, because the temptation is to carry on doing things for her as you would a child, but it doesn't help either of you! She has to grow up and realise you aren't her skivvy and ATM, you need to prepare her for when she does move out

Pressed post too soon! She is acting out and is finally realising you mean business. Personally I would shut the conversation down the second she became nasty (you wouldn't put up with that from anyone else why should you with your adult daughter) and say I'm not talking to you while you are talking to me like this.

I'm surprised her friends have been texting you, if I'd fallen out with my mum and been slagging her off to them, they wouldn't have dared to contact her with their opinion - she is a lovely lady but would not have tolerated a load of teenagers giving her grief about something that has nothing to do with them 😱

She was considering a travel related job but very competitive and often don't take on until 21 or older.

I think that could be your way in.

I am sure there are jobs that don’t require you to be over 21. Friend of dds is going as an entertainer abroad for the summer and she is 19.

I think another friend of dds started at 20 doing something on a cruise ship and was entertainment manager last year at 22

Even grape picking in France for a few weeks.

Dd knows one girl and her bf who are effectively homeless and spend their time as reps, on cruise ships or for the 8 weeks over the Christmas period doing panto.

Billybagpuss fair enough hope it works out for you all

Haven't asked her why I get all the bad but may well be tomorrow!

Brusselpout - I know you're right. That situation (with food) has partly come about as her job involves shifts and she has struggled with this knackering her enough to make her ill sometimes. So as I'm home more it seemed to make sense I would help out there but you're right she is taking mick now!

I get on well with her friends have always chatted with them, these are kids I've known since they were primary age. They didn't text having a go just asking what was going on as apparently she wasn't making much sense. Conversation went from there

Oliversmumsarmy my concern at the moment is I'm not sure she'd be safe doing a job like that with how she's being at the moment. I can see her doing something daft and ending up stranded with no money halfway round the world and expecting me to bail her out!

So bit of a catch up to do from my last post.

Short story is we had a very long conversation about things by text (my choice as she wasn't listening and talking over me) which ended up with my agreeing she could come home under certain conditions. So she came home yesterday, we chatted, all seemed good, she seemed to get that things couldn't carry on as they were. Heartfelt apologies, promises etc.

Today she went to an appointment (one of the things she agreed to) but since she left the house for that it's all gone downhill again. Didn't let me know where she was for hours, came home way after tea time, thought that was her in for the day, then I heard the door go she'd gone out again. She's left kitchen a mess, gone out on piss, lied to me, gone back on stuff we agreed and has now stormed out again.

So it didn't last even 2 days!

Heartily bloody sick of this!

What about this, OP?

www.vsointernational.org/volunteering/ICS-youth-volunteering