I don't recognise my child any more relationship wrecked

[HeartbrokenMum]

I'm a single mum to a 19 yr old who has become a complete nightmare to live with.

Disgusting, dirty habits that are affecting my health, taking mick financially massively, hugely disrespectful even aggressive, emotional blackmail if I try to put foot down or even just try to discuss in a way that isn't just me giving in to all their demands, does nothing to help at home even waking me to cook for them

I feel like I am living with a stranger and an aggressive unpredictable one too.

I have tried so many different things to try and sort this out and none of it has worked at all

Endless talking promises and apologies from them too quickly forgotten next day

I'm completely exhausted and heartbroken but also angry

I dunno what to do

Dad not on scene at all I have nobody to turn to in real life I feel on verge of collapse even physically help me please

Just talk to her, keep it positive help her find a place so she can move out. If she gets angry and refuses then pack her stuff and change the lock.

Can you afford counselling for her. It sounds like she doesn't know herself why she is being such a pain. She's scared of the grown up world and taking her fear/ anger out on you because she is 'grown up' and can't admit that even to herself. (Just remembering how I felt myself at that age)

I think she is ill for sure the problem is she refuses to consider getting help

Oh OP I’m so sorry 💐

However Other than not keeping you informed and leaving the kitchen in a shit tip has she been kinder to you since she moved back in?

Honestly as a 19 year old she shouldn’t necessarily have to check in with mum and whilst bloody irritating, in her own house share she would still have left the kitchen in a tip it’s not a direct insult to you just par for the course at that age. (mine have been away for a fortnight my house is unusually clean at the moment)

No she hasn't been kinder or nicer particularly

It's not check in with mum it's just let me know roughly what she's doing so I'm not worrying. She's disappearing for 6+ hours at all times without even a quick text or even saying bye

I don't expect her to be leaving kitchen a mess either regardless what might happen in houseshares this is my home too and it's a tiny kitchen and leaving a mess means I have to clear it up before I can even make a cuppa

This all sounds awful op, I can really understand why you feel at the end of your rope

I'm not sure I ever could chuck my DC out (and wonder how many people who so frequently advise this on Mumsnet have actually done it!) but can totally understand wanting to at times. It's a horrible dilemma to be confronted with.

My DC is younger so not much experience but I would bear in mind that the brain isn't totally formed until the age of 23/24 yrs so some of this behaviour she can't help. Not that that really helps when you are on the receiving end of it, but it might help you separate yourself a bit and not take the insults so personally. You need to cut yourself off from the emotional ups and downs a bit (again easier said than done) to protect your own mental health.

Other than that, fwiw, I agree with pps who say she needs an interim project involving travel or volunteering where she will learn responsibility for her own behaviour. But while she is at home, you need to fall in to a new "adult" relationship with her, more like flat-sharing than mother-daughter because you can't expect her to take on adult responsibilities and then at the same time treat her like a child. So, no cooking for her, no expecting her to be back for dinner at a certain time, an agreement made over texting to know whether she will be back that night, no financial hand-outs, and she shares all chores. I would probably go as far as writing up a contract to that effect that she signs. I'd tell her this is her very last chance and if she doesn't abide by your agreement, then pass over brochures about gap years.

One last thing, the drug issue. Are you sure it is under control? I only ask because cannabis can cause personality changes.

Good luck op.

Her behaviour is making life at home far more difficult than it needs to be for both of us.

We're not housemates and that's not how our relationship is ever going to be and I think that would be really unhealthy to even try

I don't think it's unacceptable to expect the consideration of not being left worried sick wondering where the hell she is especially with her acting all over the place

We did a written "contract" 2 days ago she's broken it in several ways already

I've no idea on drug issue as I don't know if or how much she's using and if that's the problem I doubt it as I think that's a recent thing and the bad behaviour goes back months even years

Ffs I'm looking up drug testing kits how has it come to this???

Is she home yet or is she still out?

Try and get some space today so when you talk about yesterday’s behaviour it’s a bit calmer.

Meant to add, a strategy adopted by a friend in this situation was that she got herself involved in loads of hobby groups and clubs that she enjoyed so that she wasn't always available and wasn't constantly drawn in to her dd's "dramatics" and became less involved in the details of her life. So she would be going out frequently, had the support of new friends, was distracted by doing things she enjoyed, and she benefited physically and mentally from exercise. She started to be a bit intentionally "preoccupied" when her dd tried to constantly engage her in arguments, or complain about lack of money, she would just adopt a "oh yes, very nice dear, I'm sure someone as gifted as yourself will be able to sort it out" as she drifted out the door, stepping over the laundry her dd had left on the floor. She didn't engage. And she brought her new friends home a lot despite the mess, so her dd was forced to engage and behave in a reasonable manner with objective strangers. In summary, instead of focusing on her dd's behaviour which, for that period of time, she couldn't really change substantially, she focused on her own well being and making her own life more enjoyable. The added benefit was that when my friend started valuing herself a bit more, and saw she was valued by others, she started to treat her mother with a bit more respect too. Things didn't change for the better in dramatic ways but they did improve a bit! And it helped my friend stay sane. I don't know if this would work in your situation op, but thought worth a mention!

Would she compromise by sending one text at a certain time each evening to let you know where she is going to be for next 24 hrs?

Obviously, you are never going to live like actual flat mates together, but you can't expect her to behave like an adult, and at the same time, not give her freedom ifyswim.

Correction: when her daughter saw her being valued by others, etc

My first thought reading your post was drugs. Step back. Right back. That suggestion of involving yourself in more outside home activities was a good one so you don't have the same energy for her drama. Detach a bit for the moment and focus on your own life.
Be kind in your dealings with her but don't succumb to her demands.
A tip l got when my ds was often asking me for money was; if you are happy to give it do eg 10 at the end of the month just till pay day.
But if you feel under pressure and manipulated DO NOT GIVE IT. Find one phrase eg l cannot afford that and keep saying it. Nothing else. Do not get into explaining or giving her lectures about managing her money just..l cannot afford that in a normal voice. Maybe go out for a walk, or have a bath then to escape her carry on.
Change the dynamic. If she goes out let her off. If she was living out you would have no idea of where she was.
Focus on those things for now and when she sees you have changed the dynamic you can deal with the tidying up etc.
Don't keep money on you so she can't break you down.
There is a book called Emotional Blackmail by Susan Foreward( l think) which is really helpful.
You are not a bad mother. Stop beating yourself up.

If I refuse to lend her money she completely loses her temper and I end up giving in just to be left alone cos she comes into my room and keeps on at me until I do even busting through the door if I block it. Screaming at me how awful a mum I am I'm pathetic aren't I?

Here lie the problem ^ op, you cannot change her behavior towards you until you change yours.

She is capable of being perfectly nice to others, she CHOOSES to be vile to you when it suits her.

So toughen up , stop being so emotional, and get clear in your own head how you are going to be immoveable in what you say.
ie, Her 'I want money'
You ' we have and agreement in place, l will not give you any money, and will not discuss again' in a calm low voice. walk away.
Her starts shouting, name calling being agressive.

You ina very firm calm voice'l will not tolerate this behavior, leave the room and go and calm down or l will call the police'

Follow through, but once she knows what you say you ALWAYS mean and you will not be intimidated, bullied, worn down, get upset, she will have no choice but to stop.

She is behaving like a spoilt brat at your expense op,

Can you contact her dad ? Let him take a turn at parenting and tell her she is going there for a while . I empathise as I have a 17 year old DS who is very challenging at the moment! He has adult siblings (living away) who challenge his bad behaviour and who are not as soft as me but he still has meltdowns. I miss the lovely lad I was do close to. Good Luck OP and remember this is not your fault .

It's easy to say kick them and change the locks but much harder to do. That's a last resort I'd say but maybe you should create a bit of space and if you don't/ can't ask them to go, then why don't you? Have you a friend or relative you can go to for a couple of days? Just to let them know you're not going to stay and tolerate this . It's very difficult, my eldest went off to uni this time and was a nightmare to live with , my own creation! But the space has definitely helped.

I agree with the suggestion that you make youself busy and value yourself and your time more.
You can't change another person you can only change yourself.

She is emit blackmailing you.

She needs to leave the family home and move into shared / professional accommodation so that she can develop her independence (in the right way), much like she would have if she'd moved away for university.

Shared accommodation is usually much more financially reasonable. Pay her deposit and perhaps the first month's rent. Ask her if she'd like to view some of the properties available with you.

Do not - for her sake and yours - let this continue.

Stop making excuses for her.

*emotionally not emit. Predictive text!

Sometimes you can't pick up all the pieces or solve all their problems. A 19 year old is not a child. You have to look after yourself

I think we can agree she is not happy.

Can you sit down with her and point out someone who was happy wouldn’t behave in such a way and get to the bottom of what is making her this sad.
I still think a job abroad would be for the best even if it was only for a few months. It might reset the dynamics.

I have a 19 yr old dd and you do have to pick your battles.

She went to a house warming party last night and went clubbing in London. I haven’t heard from her since 4.30pm yesterday afternoon when she went off in her car.

She also left a mess in the kitchen and bathroom. My job to clear it. Sometimes she clears it up sometimes not. I don’t sweat the small stuff.

How did you come up with how much she should pay keep.

Most parents I know just say how much they are losing in benefits as the monthly sum.

With there being just the 2 of you is she just trying to put some space between you and the only way she knows how is to be horrible to you.

The drugs thing is I think a symptom of her unhappiness. In a teenage mind it is all getting too much.
I know when I was a little younger than her age. I had a ft job, a roof over my head and I remember having a dreadful wobble and getting really depressed that this was life for the next 40 years and apart from being bored out of my mind I just felt there was something else that I was missing.
I moved hundreds of miles away and changed my life and felt far happier.

No she's not happy but I'm not even sure she knows why. But then that's why you got to therapy so they can help you figure out the root problem but she keeps resisting this and I don't know why and I'm starting to worry she's afraid of what she might say

She's a very private yet outgoing person that sounds weird I know

She's very outgoing and chatty about superficial things but she's very private about more personal things that can mean people think they know her very well when really they know her very little

The coming and going I don't expect a schedule but I do expect her to say "I'm popping out probably be back around X time" or even "don't know when I'll be back"

The problem yesterday was she had said she'd be back around a certain time (without me asking) and then wasn't and didn't get in touch and stayed out over 4 hours longer than she'd said she'd be I think it's normal to worry under those circumstances

Keep i started with the money lost too plus a calculation of what it costs to keep her I don't mean I added them together I mean I worked out what they each were that gave me a rough figure as a starting point but dd thought that was too much so we negotiated and she now pays less than either but that was supposed to be on condition she saved toward something else (which I was happy to help her out with by doing this) which she hasn't obviously been doing which has annoyed me

I'm not even sure there are definitely drugs involved it might only be alcohol although that's bad enough and could be just as harmful I just don't know but then I'm not totally sure it's any substance that's definitely causing the problem might be exaggerating it

I've always encouraged her not to assume she'll settle where we are that while she's young and single and has no ties she can go anywhere and do anything she wants but until very recently she's been reluctant to consider leaving friends behind

It's partly the new friends at work who are older with a bit of life experience who are saying to her to think about spreading her wings and because they're not her old mum who can't possibly give good advice

We do have some lovely good chats sometimes I'm suddenly very aware you're all only seeing dds bad side but of course she isn't always like this

I love her to bits but living with the behaviour is just getting impossible