Things about motherhood that i didn't realise would be hard.

[poshsinglemum]

I do love being a mum (even a single mum!) but the things that I thought would be hard are not as hard as the things that actually ARE hard.

For example I thought that the nappies and sleepless nights would be the hardest things.

The actual hardest things are;
The worry, lack of social life, the social minefield of the parenting world, lack olf spontanaity.

Things that I enjoy about motherhood that I didn't realise would be so wonderful are that dd has forced me to slow down, take stock and pursue gentler hobbies, hugs and smiles, giggles, buying lovely baby things, hugs, dimples and watching her hav efun.

Feel free to add your own.

The mess

Before I had DC I was not the tidiest of people by a long way

Now I have them the constant mess and 'bits' everywhere does my head in... it's never ending. I am living in a hamster wheel

Apart from The Guilt and The Tiredness and The Lack Of Personal Space - my hardest thing is disciplining. My DS is not yet two, and generally incredibly laidback and "good" (can you say that about a toddler?!) but once in a while he will hit or be rude or something, and I try to be really firm about making sure he knows it's unacceptable. But his little face when he thinks I'm cross with him, it just crumples, he looks SO horrified, I can't bear it and find it really hard to still keep my cross face on. (I hasten to add, that's really all I do - a cross face and "you do NOT hit mummy! come and say sorry!" oh dear The Guilt, The Guilt)

The best bits: cuddling, obviously, and the knowledge that I do actually believe him to be far far prettier, nicer, cuter, etc etc than all other babies/toddlers. When pregnant, I used to worry, what if I didn't like him that much? but it just isn't a problem

No one trains you for this immense life long job, so a lot of mistakes are made along the way. I'm really regretful of some of the mistakes and always reappraising what has happened. I'm learning everyday, hope they have great memories of their crazy mom!

the whole social bit, having to get on with, socialise and consort with other parents despite it making me want to curl up in a ball and hide a lot of the time.

I've found it really difficult to handle my lack of status as a SAHM.

It's entirely my own hang-up (and society's problem). To be honest, I never declare I'm a full-time SAHM, I say I'm still a ('insert my profession', which is often freelance) working from home balancing it with my other job "a very demanding, albeit voluntary, 100-hour-week raising my daughter". DH has a great professional job, and I hate feeling invisible or uninteresting to his colleagues.

As many others have said, the constant mess, the constant washing, the constant heap of stuff on the dining table. Never being on top of things.
My aching back from continuous lifting and bending.

The best bits - feeling so in love with and proud of dd (18 months), feeling that she's thriving being at home with me full time, afternoons when I feel like I'm on holiday and not really working at all because I've spent it browsing cafes or wandering in a sunny park chatting to other parents.

The huge hugs and kisses that dd rains on me. The early morning cuddles when DH brings her into our bed; the way she nestles her head into my neck and melts into my body, but keeps her hand tightly on her Daddy's arm.

Tickling her just to hear that laughter.
Being impressed by how quickly she can pick something up - a new respect the a marvellous human brain.

Larkin - I had that at first, but now I feel with my choices, not embarrassed to tell people what I do - no need to justify myself, and the "professional" person seems to be a lifetime ago.

Actually, it literally is my DS1s lifetime ago!

"now I feel pleased with my choices"

Definitely the noise. And the sibling squabbles much of the time. The indecision about how to handle certain issues. What discipline approach to use. The worry.

The best - the all-consuming love you have for them! When they are asleep they look so beautiful you could just eat them. The way they make you laugh, the things they say, funny little mannerisms. And, I may be unusual here, but I really really enjoyed the first year after I had my first baby. After working in an office job, I found I had an amazing sense of freedom. I could go out with dd1 wherever I wanted to go and do whatever I pleased, without any time contraints.

Bambinolovesbeccie thanks for your message, I have been thinking about getting some kind of 'help' but wasn't sure where to start. Am surprised and encouraged that you got a GP referral. What is the waiting list like? And can I ask how you are dealing with this at work?

I have 'fessed up my fear to my boss after digging my nails into his arm rest during a recent landing (although I didn't tell him my theory that it is caused by Mother Guilt, at the moment he thinks I am 75% crazy and I don't want to confirm the rest) but I know there will be another trip coming up soon.

The bickering and the fact that it's so hard to get them to stop - I think they secretly enjoy it. The change in the relationship with DH, from being just partners to becoming parents, has been a big challenge. The mess and that constant picking up of all their stuff.

Pendulum / Bambino In the short term, you could try Bach Flower remedy Mimulus for fear of know things including flying and death. Their recovery remedy / air travel companion might also be useful. here

I use Mimulus with my nervous DS and creepy crawly fearing DD and I have seen a therapist who gave me a little cocktail to deal with a whole raft of emotions I just don't have the time to "work" through - result - much more chilled out Mummy!!

hardest thing for me is loving them so much and feeling you're getting it all wrong

Roseability . .thats lovely !! all those sweet things you said about your kids. Dont be too hard on yourself. We are only human. We all get angry with our kids at times. .You good intentions are clearly there.
Have been a mum now for 22 yrs and mu youngest is 9ys.
Dealing with difficult teenager is the hardest thing especially when they are so horrible to you . . .as its like the most vile and most eloquent verbal adult insulting you. . .it has made me cry at times.
I guess from the day they are born its:-
The pain of childbirth
Sleepless nights
Wilful children
Keeping calm
Sick children and hospitalisation
Thoughtless selfish teenagers

Putting the hard bits aside:
You are proud of them
They are beautiful
They make you appreciate and treasure life
They humble you as a person
When they say they love you and thankyou for everything you do. . . .and hug you .

Realising that I have no support except my husband's.

I had emergency C-section. My husband stayed with me 2 weeks at home from work. The day he went back to work I woke up with a flu. High fever etc for 3 weeks! Could barely hold the baby, couldnt talk (throat) with baby etc. AND at the same time my husband had operation and was not allowed to carry anything and me was not allowed to carr anything.... Felt so so depressed about this realisation.

However as we came through it, I said to myself, well we can be proud, we done it all by ourselves!

nice post malteser

Ah, thankyou ssd !