Things about motherhood that i didn't realise would be hard.

[poshsinglemum]

I do love being a mum (even a single mum!) but the things that I thought would be hard are not as hard as the things that actually ARE hard.

For example I thought that the nappies and sleepless nights would be the hardest things.

The actual hardest things are;
The worry, lack of social life, the social minefield of the parenting world, lack olf spontanaity.

Things that I enjoy about motherhood that I didn't realise would be so wonderful are that dd has forced me to slow down, take stock and pursue gentler hobbies, hugs and smiles, giggles, buying lovely baby things, hugs, dimples and watching her hav efun.

Feel free to add your own.

quiet, i miss peace and quiet.
My own company
the worry
the feeling of inadequacy
how much i love him, it is a physical pain within my heart.
how much i can no longer see anything to do with a child being neglected or abused without my stomach notting and my heart breaking.

It been said by many- The Guilt.

I am always feeling guilty that I am doing something I shouldn't be, or not doing something I should. I find it crippling and if I stopped to think about it long enough I wouldn't stop crying.

Everyone told me before dc's arrived that I would love them like nothing else- so I sort of expected that bit- but NOBODY told me that I would feel guilty about something every single day. Not even a mention of it.

So I just don't think about The Guilt and that suits me fine! (Just off to find a big hole in which to stick my long ostrichy neck...)

The fear.

All those roads and ponds and cliffs and car accidents and fires and freak accidents.

I had no idea that I would have to stop listening to the news sometimes, or skip bits of films, because of upsetting things happening to children.

Never getting any sleep is hard for me too, but my children are champion non sleepers.

I thought it would be lovely when DS learnt to say my name, so sweet.

Now, hearing 'mam', 'mam?', 'mam'!, 'MAAAM!' repeatedly if I even so much as leave the room to go for a piss/blow my nose/grab a drink is really beginning to rankle.

Although to be fair I am pregnant and my hormones are making me irritable and impatient.

The worry and the thought that one day they will leave

Oh and that point around 2 when they can't articulate what they want/what's wrong so they just whine.

Oh yes I was so upset when ds1 learned to say "Daddy" but just grunted in my direction, that dh spent a day teaching him to say "mummy" - he has never shut up since...

For me its the worry - worry about day to day stuff plus as they get older, plus what's going to happen in their futures. And the guilt, too but I do try not to let that burden me too much.

And the noise! I think that is the biggest shock of having two (with a largish gap). They shout at each other all the time [volume control required]

Hollyoaks- Have you tried learning Makaton with them? I do this with my DS and it makes the world of difference with communication. Think Mr Tumble!

I found the sheer relentlessness of it all the hardest thing of all. There is no let up when they are small.

The first three months of two children (baby and two year old) were for me THE hardest. Once the youngest slept through which thankfully was at about 11 weeks and I got a whole nights sleep life became more bearable!!

Knowing that I love my children so much I will compromise on all that I thought a marriage should be just to ensure that the kids grow up with their dad at home.

Good idea breastmilk dd loves mr tumble, so far we have only picked up the signs for animals and toys but will investigate further.

The relentless CLEARING UP after them. I find it so hard. Nice tidy house can look like a bomb has hit it within minutes of DD entering.

I find the groundhog day aspect very hard.

get up ridiculously early.
empty dishwasher.
Put load of washing on.
make breakfasts x 3
clear up breakfast shit
get 3 people dressed
Something amusing to do library/park/swimming?)
make lunch x 3
clear up lunch shit
More washing.
Clear up. Housework. Clear up.
make dinner x 4 (inc. DH).
Clear up dinner shit.
Bath DC.
Bedtime stories.
TV/Mumsnet.
Put dishwasher on before bed.

Didn't relaise how hard it would be to live to such a strict routine.

On the plus side, there's nothing that can beat the love you get from your DC. Their laughter really is the lovliest sound. They crack me up.

They bring out the worst in me, but also they bring out the best in me, defintely.

The hardest parts for me- both already mentioned - are the constant vigilance (the never switching off) and the fear that I will die and leave them motherless at a young age.

In my twenties I travelled around the world in russian ex-army helicopters and peruvian trucks. These days I am battling a fear of flying that has me convinced I will kiss the DDs goodbye one morning, take a work trip to Paris and never come home again.

Sometimes I realise it is weeks since I had a good belly laugh or been silly. These days I try hard to remedy this whenever possible by having a water fight with DD1 or dancing with her to Abba. I want to be a carefree, fun parent, but I spend a lot of time with my nerves jangling.

I second thr ground-hog day aspect of it, it is so demoralising to tidy everything up and have the house looking half-way decent for once, then 10mins later it's back to square one. Makes me want to curl up and cry or just run away. The thing is, being a CMer I always have my home on show so I feel added pressure to have everything tidy and 'safe'.

Never having the time to let your mind wander. The minute that happens I know my ds (2) is up to no good.

The requirement to produce 3 or 4 meals a day. Every day. If it was just me I would skip meals or graze.

Looking after small children who are ill. Am not cut out for it . I actually think I became depressed when my dc were about 3 and 1 because of the constant minor illnesses. Have never felt more ready to run away from everything.

The hardest bits for me are the tiredness, the relentlessness, and the heaving them around bit (mine are just 2 and nearly 4). I also love the activities bit find it hard to muster enthusiasm for playing with trains/dinosaurs etc. ( I line up animals too lady of chocolate!!)

But it makes my heart melt listening to them singing in the back of the car, the giggles when they play together, the kisses and the squidges and the 'i love you's'.

Plus, how great is it to have permission to do kiddy stuff again - like climbing in the playground, painting, flying a kite? Fab!

Oh when they get a bit older, the boredom of football matches and cricket matches and gym competitions and horse shows and dancing shows when you have to spend the whole day there to see your child doing something for a minute if you're lucky. And you can't stop watching because it's a dead cert that if you do, that'll be the minute.

bibbity - I hear you. And the guilt because you are meant to feel sorry for them, but all you feel is irritated

AAhhh yes;
The guilt; if I do this then I will be a bad mum but if I take the other option then I am also a bad mum.
The awareness of my own mortality (or otherwise who will look after dd.)
DEFINATELY the fear.

Also; the constant risk assessment; how do I put the washing on the line in a way that dd is least likely to hurt herself or destroy the house whilst I am busy.

I always used to think about suicide as a mental escape route and I can't do that any more, or if I do, it has to include killing ds and dh as well, which is just ridiculous.

Failing someone else so frequently.

But then when I get something wrong, ds will pat me on the arm and say 'never mind'. He's so lovely

I never realised how hard it would be to get things done. I had all these lovely visions of cooking long elaborate dishes while the toddler played happily at my feet, and spending time reading stories in the garden while the baby lay on a mat and gurgled. I read all those books that said, you don't need to do much to entertain a child, they're happy just being with you and helping you.

Ahahahahahaha.

Most of my cooking now involves trying to cook something fast while a toddler clings to my legs, I get about a page into any picture book before she's off trying to jam a tupperware container onto the cat's head, and the mess, dear God, the mess.

The hardest thing for me has been the total breakdown of relations with my MiL and Sil because I was "too ungrateful to accept their advice or help". I tried to explain that I felt overwhelmed, anxious and really scared as a first time mum and was called a "weirdo" so hey ho, no loss really.

Other hard things: the worry!! Never thought it was possible to worry this much.
The guilt that you are doing everything wrong and are a crap mum.
The invasion of personal space - so much so that I push DH away sometimes as I'm totally cuddled out.
The risk assessment and weighing up of pros and cons before we do anything.

On the hand: it's just so fantastically - words can't describe it - wonderful when it's all going right . We are trying for another so can't be that bad

Pendulum Just re-read your post. I used to travel a lot for work - long haul to SE Asia - yet am now avoiding these trips like the plague due to a sudden fear of flying for the same reasons as you. I am about to start some Congnitive restructuring - was referred by my GP. Have you considered speaking to your GP about it?

DS is only 15 weeks old, so my experience so far is limited....

The best:
Seeing DS learning something new everyday; learning how to play with toys etc.
His huge and happy smiles all the time, every time someone chats to him.
I also love seeing how he develops his own character and his looks - becoming a unique person.

The worst:
The broken sleep.
Being the one who does 95% of childcare, esp cuz I'm bfing.
Craving time on my own then fretting when it happens cuz I think that no one can care for DS as well as I can.

This threads made me cry!!

DS is 20wks old but already understand the guilt, the fear, and not being able to switch off - all terrifying....... Sometimes can't believe that he's here to stay and these feeling are too!

Other things I didn't realise would be hard

• that noone can look after him as well as me, even dh, even though he's wonderful at being a dad I still hover over him which irrates him no end
• that my MiL has turned into a complete obsessive about DS and want to see us AAAAAAALLLLLLLL the time (hardly ever saw her before he was born and can't cope with her suddenly wanting to be bessie mates I just don't like her!)

- the not knowing what's best, if there's something bothering DS, (teething, a cold, whatever), there no way of difinitively knowing what's wrong, am not good with guesswork!

But as everyone says the hard stuff is totally outweighed by the good stuff, he's just wonderful and am amazed by him everyday