Things about motherhood that i didn't realise would be hard.

[poshsinglemum]

I do love being a mum (even a single mum!) but the things that I thought would be hard are not as hard as the things that actually ARE hard.

For example I thought that the nappies and sleepless nights would be the hardest things.

The actual hardest things are;
The worry, lack of social life, the social minefield of the parenting world, lack olf spontanaity.

Things that I enjoy about motherhood that I didn't realise would be so wonderful are that dd has forced me to slow down, take stock and pursue gentler hobbies, hugs and smiles, giggles, buying lovely baby things, hugs, dimples and watching her hav efun.

Feel free to add your own.

Not so much things about being a parent, but being a young and single parent. I didn't particularly plan to have DS so young but as a teenager I did used to feel very broody and had this idealistic image of myself with a baby/toddler and how it would be if I did have a child young.

I didn't realise that it would be so hard to see all my friends going finishing uni, starting their "adult" lives and getting interesting jobs etc. (Though I am hopefully starting a PT degree in October)

Also seeing them posting on facebook about having nights out etc, clubbing, getting drunk, etc etc. Even if I did go out I have to be back at a reasonable time and I couldn't really get drunk because I have to look after DS the next morning.

Didn't realise it would be so hard to see how DS' Dad was with him when we were together (as in not brilliant) and then letting him go off to him every weekend and not knowing how well he's being cared for etc. The conflict between wanting to keep up a relationship between DS and his Dad, (and he does seem happy when he's there) and wanting to keep DS safe and not exposed to certain things.

Also not being able to just buy everything for DS that I want to - at first when I was pregnant I was sure I wanted to just be thrifty and get the cheapest pram I could find etc, then realised I didn't want DS to be uncomfortable in a crappy cheap umbrella stroller and I wanted something parent facing etc.

Other, more general things:

That point in the day where you are just exhausted and have no more energy to deal with a toddler, and yet they are STILL UP and want you to be doing things with them. DS if I don't time things right can still be up at 11 and wanting to clamber on me and breastfeed etc and I get so frustrated with it.

(Sort of related to previous) I find it hard when I'm trying to get DS to stop doing something and he keeps going back and trying to do it 76238920 times and will not be distracted!

And then the big one - just the amount of housework etc that DS creates, and trying to do that and look after him and have time to myself. It's not the parenting I find hard, it's everything else!

Still wouldn't change him though

The most unexpected thing was the loneliness.

Elliemental, you and me both. My greatest fear. You can just do your best. Welcome their friends, be a constant source of toast and warmth and relax. And let me know when you find something that works

The lack of sleep was much harder than I expected - it is definitely a BIG part of why I never had more than 2

The noise (at times, mainly at breakfast)

The fact that, worry as you can, and try as you can to help them find solutions for their problems, you can't do it FOR them

I have learned SO much from my DSs though - about myself, and also about the world, including things I was not remotely interested in before - I think that has to do with having boys

Hear hear Poledra. Sounds like such an insignificant thing but honestly it's so draining. I long to have Saturday morning doze - you know when you wake and then drift in and out of sleep until you're fully conscious.
And... oh the worries!
Stupidly I worry about something happening to me. Sounds like I'm promoting my own self but I'm the lynchpin of our family.

Ivanight, those days of the glass of wine etc WILL return!! They grow up faster than you think.

I am now dreading having returning adult children to the house!!!

ladyand - I have become morbidly obsessed with my own mortality since having dd. It didn't remotley concern before - I didn't want to get old.

The guilt - whatever you do, however hard you try it's there.

The intense protective mama-bear instinct if your child is hurt in any way by someone.

being responsible for their safety every second of every day. Sometimes that frightens me. What if I slip for one second?

Not being able to use the toilet without someone banging the bathroom door.

Feeling more irritated with your partner than you ever thought possible.

The sheer relentlessness of it all.

Just how demanding children are; they always want something.

I mean, I knew having children would be busy and tiring but I never realised just how much 'me' would be subsumed into 'mum'.

When they grow up. Cutting that umbilical cord is very painful. You see them growing up, and know that you must let them but at the same time you want to pull them back into your arms and never let go.

I am very scared of dd growing up and moving out. I have been a mother my entire adult life. I have no idea what life will be like without her with me every day.

The hardest thing therefore is feeling this and absolutely not letting her know how scared I am, and not be selfish.

Letting go. Oh gawd. DD is only 3 and due to start pre-school in September (she really wants to go too). Then proper school next September. Just thinking about it, I am crying inside. She's running away with big smiles and joy ready to embrace it and I'm actively stopping myself chasing after her and begging her to just be my baby for one more day.

I am also very scared that she'll have adopted my social ineptness. Or that my social ineptness will scare all friends away for her because I can't navigate the horrors of the playdate.

And the worry. There is no switching off. Even when they're asleep with full stomachs, happy dreams and a sunny day to look forward to, there's a corner of my mind dedicated to never, ever switching off.

With little ones, the way you can't just pop to the shops for a pint of milk.

You're lifting them into car seats or putting up buggies. Everything becomes a chore.

I always try to get petrol when I'm not with DD now as it's such a pain in the bum.

All of you dreaming about time to yourself, time to have lie-ins, read the paper, go to the toilet on your own .. Your time will come !!!!!!

Having to make new friends. I find it hard to have conversations that aren't just about babies.

Umm, probably realising that I'll never be as good a mum and my mother . She never lost her temper with me, was unfailingly loving and interested in what I was up to and so so patient. I wish I could be like that

I do sometimes wonder if it was because she was a more mature mum; she had me at 38 whereas I was 23 when DD1 was born.

That they have their own (strong) personality from such a young age. They want to do what they want to do. The stress of how to guide them properly.....And what getorf said about cutting the umbilical cord.

I find playing incredibly dull. I don't mind activities like making cakes / crafts / playing football or things that involve doing something purposefully.

I just find sitting on the floor playing somewhat aimlessly (to me anyway) with cars, trains or little plastic people REALLY boring. I thought this was the bit I would enjoy the most but boy I was w r o n g.

The best bits (so far) are random conversations you can have with a toddler.

Oh yes, the playing thing. DD (21 months) implores me to play with her animals/doll house/any piece of crap she finds round the house and I find myself making daft suggestions like "shall we line the animals up in a row" while she looks at me like I'm a lunatic

agree the relentlessness - the constant chatter and pulling at me/climbing on me. coming straight in from work and starting the ´home´ part of the routine with not even 15mins in between to just be alone in my head. The playing - agree with the other posters that I love any kind of activity with him - cooking, washing dishes, watering plants, bike rides, going for a walk or to the park, throwing leaves in the pond.. but when in the house i find it SO HARD to just sit and be with him. Its something I really wish I could be better at and feel so disappointed in myself when i hear myself saying ´oh i´ve just got to...´ again..

the loneliness was hard in the first year but now ds is 3 I don´t feel that so much, ditto social life. I like seeing people and having the odd night with girlfriends but even 3 glasses of wine gives me a stinking hangover now and doesn´t feel worth it so I´m as happy to bung the jammies on and snuggle up with mumsnet dh.

the best bits are so many tiny (and not so tiny) moments scattered throughout and hard to pin down; ds´ little thudding feet as he comes running through to get into bed with us (every night) and me picking him up and snuggling him into me. seeing and hearing him laugh, knowing he is happy, reading stories and him reading with me in his still oh so baby voice. The things he says, seeing him run...

Yes - I used to go all buttock-clenchy when DS1 wanted to play trains with me. Still - good opportunity for surreptitious dozing on the floor.

I love playing with them now, though - tennis, football, Monopoly, etc

hardest things - just the constant worry and guilt 'am I doing this right, should I have done this a better way etc', sleep deprivation and the BFing at the start.

What a lovely thread!! I'm crying at the sad bits and even more at the happy bits.

I didn't know it would be so hard to work out what the right thing to do is so you can just do it. I didn't know it would be so hard to be eternally patient when you are permanently shattered.

I didn't know that the sound of giggling happy children was so magical that I would give everything else up just so I could live my life hearing that sound every day.

I didn't know my heart would melt every day and that it was possible to feel so emotional about nothing!!

I thought that babies under 6 weeks old were like little slugs that you could just tote everywhere... then the Colic Fairy paid us a visit (must have been left off the Christening invite ) and let me just say BOY WAS I WRONG!!!!

HAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Total nightmare.....

Love toddlers, though!