ok, is it really THAT much harder with 2

[GirlWithTheMouseyHair]

we have 19mo DS, were planning on trying for another about 9months ago but my career seems to be going fairly well at the moment (work in theatre so will always be erratic and insecure) so decided to put ttc on hold while I ride the momentum.

Trouble is I really wanted to have a relatively (under 3yrs) small age gap between children, we only intend to have 2, but I'm terrified of all these stories coming out about how much harder it is to have two children, that in most ways it's harder than going from none to one...please give me your invaluable advice and experience!

Because of the nature of my work and the pay, we rely heavily on friends and family to help out, I don't currently have regular childcare as work is so erratic and is sometimes unpaid. DH bless him has said it's totally my choice when we try again, I know he's desperate for another baby though, he's even said he'll go and work as a contractor in a job I know he'd hate in order for me to continue working and being able to afford 2 lots of childcare.

It's all pretty easy now, I'm almost convinced to have DS as only child.....

found no.2 so much easier than no. 1. didnt wake her up to check she was still alive every hour. Didnt change her outfit five times a day. etc. etc. I found having 3 harder. My friend found 3 a doddle and 4 harder. So as with all parenting is all individual and you wont know till its too late. I loved two kids. So relaxed and happy. Love my three kids but def harder work now. imho.

Angelene. I also second Mindy. There would be a 6 year gap now, so it would be a long time befopre they would be friends, 1 and 7 year old just so different in age. 5 and 11 also. Not being funny, but if you're not sure about a baby, what about a puppy for you dd? That really truely would be a friend for her.And also try to maximise time spent with cousins or close family friends so that she experiences more of that family love - a bit closer to siblings

haven't read all, but have to be honest initially very hard -but largely because I was much more tired cause couldn't rest when baby asleep. This may sound cold comfort if you have tiny baby but now ds 19 months (and from year on)

For me 0->1 was much tougher than 1->2, but partly because DS was ... challenging ... while DD was far more laid back. If I'd had them the other way round I might well have found 1->2 more difficult.

The main thing I found with two was the unremittingness of it; you just don't get the time you had with one to catch your breath and have any space.

We have a 3.2 year age gap and now (at 5.4 and 2.2) they do keep each other occupied a lot of the time, so it is a lot easier these days.

I've found it much harder with 2 though dd2 is only 2 weeks old so we may still be in the newborn whirlwind.

TBH both of my girls have been calm babies but its my 2yo who is proving challenging. She has reverted back to baby behaviour and refuses to hand over her dummy in the morning, won't play with me and has a lot of tantrums.

Agree with others who have said that when the youngest sleeps you can't rest with them and there's no lie in in the morning with a toddler. The same goes for the pregnancy which I found a lot more tiring and physically demanding.

However, when dd1 sits and talks to dd2 or strokes her hair it melts your heart and makes it all worthwhile.

Don't mean to enrage but.... going from one to two must be a complete doddle! I've just gone from one to 4 in one fell swoop. DD is 20 months and I have 6 week old triplets.

Saying that it's all relative. I thought it was hard when I had DD. These days I'm so tired I can barely remember which baby is which

Lady, I think your point is utterly valid and you are a hero!

It's very hard at first (I had a 2 and a half year old and a newborn) but once my youngest reached 2 it suddenly became much easier.

They are 4 and 7 atm and it is wonderful. They do fight but they are also a source of love and comfort for each other.

That happened to one of my teachers when I was in the sixth form, Lady, except I think her DD1 may have been 21 or 22 months when she had the triplets. I remember we got together a rota to go round and help out on our free afternoons (cue lots of 16yo girls pushing babies in prams around the town and probably getting looks from the local population...)

So you have my total respect for being even halfway compos mentis...

Oh my God Lady! What an exciting (though I imagine sometimes very difficult) time for you all! Congratulations.

For me, my opinion varies day to day on this topic. I guess it all depends on: how much sleep you get each night (little initially); the characters of the children; how hard you found it fro 0-1 children. Personally, I found the loneliness of days on maternity leave hardest with a screamy baby with DS1. This time round, it's not an issue as I have DS1 to talk to. I'm also much more laid back about things and much more confident about all the little things.

(My word, just thought that those triplets will be in their early 20s by now. Gulp. I am getting old...)

Thanks! Not really compos mentis it has to be said. I've no concentration at all except to become furious when various people phoned up Jeremy Vine on Radio 2 yesterday to propose axing child benefit for those people with more than 2 children. Like I had a choice?! (Well, I suppose I did IKSWIM but lets not go there...)

It's just so relentless at the moment. I'm permanently expressing/feeding or washing bottles and sterilising. I've worked out that since they've been home (4 weeks) we've given them 756 bottles!!

It is different, it's true, and obviously the first few weeks/months aren't a picnic.

But it has to be siad that when you see your 2 playing together, comforting each other, giggling together because they think they've done something naughty, it is sooooo worth it. And the bonus is that when they're older, they'll amuse each other and give you more time!

Plus it is never going to be as hard as the change from none to one.

My mum was an only child and feels she really missed out through that, and finds real joy in me & my brother being so close.

angelene - just wanted to say you should go for it if you want another. You have been very restrained leaving it till your first is off at school so alot of the 'can't rest when baby rests' things being said won't apply to you.
Second time around you will know what to expect and hopefully be able to notice if you do start to feel ill. You may not have any problems at all, I know having had pnd before puts you at a higher risk but it doesn't make it a cert! Even if it does happen again you will know you are able to get through it and out the other side back to where you are now.

Thanks EB, that's really sweet.

Having made the decision then the initial doom has lifted and I'm feeling a lot more positive about it all!

Lady - huge respect to you, I can't imagine how you're managing, but to come on here and post coherent sentences is incredibly impressive! There's a lady in my office who we've just heard is expecting triplets and I know she's got a lot of hard work ahead of her.

It's relentless.

If found 1-2 harder if I am honest. But then I didn't find 0-1 massively stressful. We are about to do 2-3 so can't be that bad .

(pregnancy + toddler was harder than newborn + toddler though)

And yes, the thought of if this baby is twins - or triplets. Eek! Hats off to you Lady.

wow lady, that's incredible! can't imagine how on earth you're doing it, congrats!

and yes totally puts it into perspective...

It is and it isn't. I generally tell already-pregnant second time round ladies that it's not really harder on the grounds that you give everything to being mummy to one, and you don't have any more to give so just have to lower your standards a bit and muddle on through with number 2. You'd be amazed how many seem comforted by this idea but I see no point in upsetting them when it's too late to change their minds!

You need to be super-organised and then it is DO-ABLE. You do need to lower your standards and get over the guilt of spending most of your time ignoring one or the other of them. You become an expert at working out which one needs you most at any given time. The washing multiplies out of control. Mine are 19 months apart and it is getting easier as they can play together a bit.

It is harder work but great too and I think that something being hard work would never be a reason for me to not have another child, iyswim. IMO the decision is much more emotional than that - I've always wanted a large family (though may have left it a little late for that!) and always assumed it would be hard work but that we would find a way through and that it would be worth it. I have two DCs - DS1 who is 3 in September and DS2 who is 4 months old - so we are definitely in quite a chaotic phase. DS2 is breastfed and not sleeping well at the moment, I have PND and have had to give up my studies (probably a bit ambitious to not have done that sooner under the circumstances!) but absolutely no regrets and I would still love another child. It's mroe along the lines of 'the heart has it's reasons that reason doth not know' rather than weighing up the pragmatics.

Good luck with your decision

Initially it is hard - you do wonder what you did with your time when you only had one! But ultimately it's much easier - I have a two year age gap (mine are nine and seven now) and I now look at parents with only children and think how much easier life is with two. My experience (girl then boy) is that they have a ready made playmate so you just don't have to do as much for them because they entertain themselves. It means dh and I have more time for ourselves. You do need a small gap though - otherwise it's like having two only children so definitely more work.