ok, is it really THAT much harder with 2

[GirlWithTheMouseyHair]

we have 19mo DS, were planning on trying for another about 9months ago but my career seems to be going fairly well at the moment (work in theatre so will always be erratic and insecure) so decided to put ttc on hold while I ride the momentum.

Trouble is I really wanted to have a relatively (under 3yrs) small age gap between children, we only intend to have 2, but I'm terrified of all these stories coming out about how much harder it is to have two children, that in most ways it's harder than going from none to one...please give me your invaluable advice and experience!

Because of the nature of my work and the pay, we rely heavily on friends and family to help out, I don't currently have regular childcare as work is so erratic and is sometimes unpaid. DH bless him has said it's totally my choice when we try again, I know he's desperate for another baby though, he's even said he'll go and work as a contractor in a job I know he'd hate in order for me to continue working and being able to afford 2 lots of childcare.

It's all pretty easy now, I'm almost convinced to have DS as only child.....

my dd is 3 in august, so will get free preschool in september which gives me a bit of leeway.
I am alot stricter with what work I do these days though - if I do something interesting but badly paid then it has to be funded by something well paid....

I didn't find it as scary as having number 1, I was worried all the time when I had ds, but when I had dd it wasn't so much "what the heck do I do now?" it was more like "how do I do it all a the same time?" Ds is 2.3 years older than dd and I madly decided to potty train him when she was 2 months old (hormones? Sleep deprivation? dunno?) but now he's potty trained it's made things a bit easier.

One thing I would say if you do decide to go for it is, get used to the sound of at least one of your children crying. You cannot be in two places at once and don't beat yourself up if you aren't.

I work in a similarly difficult profession (tv news) and work shifts, mostly evenings, weekends and nights. Utterly terrible for childcare. Luckily dh works more traditional hours. I'm still on mat leave at the moment, but when I go back I'm going to have to insist on set days (which means a big pay cut) as normally we only have 24 hours notice of shifts, and we're going to do a nanny share 0900-1900 and dh will do the bedtimes. The nanny will have to give the dcs tea and do their baths etc so that they're ready for bed when dh comes home from work all he has to do is put them in to bed. I have no idea if it'll work, we'll just have to wait and see.

As for the affect on my career, well it's terrible of course. The nature of my job means I'm supposed to be able to travel everywhere and anywhere at a moment's notice, but of course that's just not possible, certainly for a few years yet, so I guess it just gets put on hold for a bit.

As for the more practical side of going from one to two... I'm very tired, but as someone on here said, that doesn't change, but you do get used to it. I'm co-sleeping to survive but really I do only have about 6 hours sleep a night, sometimes 5. I do feel sometimes that dd misses out on a lot of the things I did with ds, I don't take her to those baby swimming classes I did with ds, she rarely goes to monkey music/singing babes/orchestral doodahs, but she gets a huge amount of love and affection from her brother. He absolutely adores her, kisses her and makes her laugh like a drain. Those moments make up for all the hard work that it really is.

Sorry I'm rambling... a bit drunk (one glass of wine ) I'm off to do a dreamfeed

We brought DD2 home from hospital on Thursday, so far we have been teetering on the fine line between organised and frazzled. DH is home, I am recovering from CS and trying to remember the baby stuff whilst at the same time give my DD1 all the love she had before. It will be fine I am sure, we will all
adjust and figure out alternative ways of doing things but right now we are managing- I think!

When I was pg I had fear that somehow my love for DD1 would be lessened or diluted when DC2 arrived. That has not happened at all. Somehow I have got a whole new heap of love whuch arrived with and for DC2.

We have limited family to support us and friends who could probablly only take one child should we need them to, otherwise we will be reliant on childcare when I am back at work.

I always knew I wanted two, and hoped I would be blessed with two healthy children. I also accepted as a given that it will be harder- time will tell how much harder but I guess for me the pluses outway the negatives. I'm accepting that it will be harder in the short term in exchange for the positives two children
bring.

Having said that, there ain't going to be a number 3!

It's less scary and traumatic and shocking than going from 0-1, but it is really tough on a practical level - you don't realise just how easy a single newborn is to look after until you have to do it while wrangling an incontinent tantrummy two year old who wants to destroy the house.

Offloading one temporarily is so much easier than two, (unless you have two angelic little girls who share all the same friends I guess) and inevitably they get sick in relays, so you have to take twice as much time off work.

Mine fight constantly, so I'm at the negative end - but I still don't regret it mind you.

Approach the Three Socks One Hairbrush book with extreme caution though - it's extremely unlikely to be as bad as the author makes it out - she didn't manage to leave the house for six months FFS.

DS has just been away for the weekend with MIL. Just having DD was a breeze.

It is much harder at times, but don't let it put you off. Having two is fab and DS and DD get so much from having a sibling.

first 6 weeks, yes, after that, it progressively settles down until you're almost back to how it was with only the first one when you decided to have another. And then, if you're really a glutton for punishment like me, you will go for a third, and presumably, it all starts all overe again.

The mess/laundry does get sustainably worse though I think.

But nothing is ever as scary as 0-1, I agree. You don't ever have that same panic of coming home from the hospital and looking at the baby in the moses basket and thinking oh shit what the hell do we do now?

easier

It's different.

You don't have the panic, fear and general neurosis that comes with the first, also you're fairly used to sleep deprivation, lack of personal space, no money etc.

However, physically it's more difficult. Not so easy to fit in 45 minute breastfeeds every 2 hours when you have a toddler to entertain, you can't nap when they nap and if they've been up all night you still have to get up for the other one.

Nevertheless, the second one, in themselves, is an easier baby (on the whole), potters around, finds their sibling absolutely hysterical and is an absolute joy.

Do it do it do it

Also, bear in mind that it might take you longer to conceive number 2. It took us nearly a year. you're more tired, have less time and all in all have less sex than the first time round

My dds are 6 and 3 and life is sooooo much easier now. Once dd2 was out of the sleepy newborn phase it was like being hit by a truck but slowly, slowly it gets easier as they interact more and amuse each other more.

Right now they play together (though I'm lucky they get on well) so I can get on with stuff and don't have to be constantly supervising or playing with them. We're really quite self sufficient as a family unit whereas my friend with an only child seems to be continually worrying about finding playmates to amuse her dd.

I agree with previous poster (sorry, can't find who it was) who said there's less anxiety with the 2nd but the practical side is much harder. I think it's also much harder to rely on friends for childcare with 2.

Oh, stay away from that shoe/sock/hairbrush book, it's scarmongeringly awful!

I'm an actor with two kids, so have a similar problem with long hours/insecure work etc. I'm very lucky to live five minutes from my mum, who is an absolute star when it comes to helping out with childcare. However, if I had to rely on my (also single, childless, out-of-work actor) friends, I would never have had two kids!

I had dd in a career lull, so was able to spend the first five months of her life concentrating solely on getting to grips with having two children around. My dh is a teacher, and we were lucky enough to have timed it so that he would go on his summer holiday just as dd arrived, so his support was invaluable. Even with all that help, and with a pretty easy pregnancy/birth, having two kids is HARD!

It's just difficult trying to give them equal attention, and balancing the needs of a very demanding newborn with an equally demanding toddler can be really hard. I found that things started to get much easier when dd got mobile and she and ds began to play together. Having said all that, I would still try for a third if and when the time is right!

Much much harder. I've said before on mn that the year after dc1 was born was the best year of my life; the year after 2c2 was born was the hardest.

I think people who say it is easier the second time must have had a particularly difficult first baby or have been very scared (as a few people on this thread have said) or had PND. If you found no.1 easy then having 2 children is definitely going to be harder. No way it can't be.

First baby was very hard work, not an easy baby, so going from 1-2 initially wasn't too bad as DS is more placid.

But it is hard, just the relentlessness of it. Trying to vacuum with both a 3yo and 17mo 'helping' makes me grr. And on bad days they take it in turns to wake you up, and just no break, and impossible to get them napping a same time or youngest napping while older one at nursery.

Just the lack of quiet breaks in the day, they need a referee/clean nappy/more food/potty/drink of water now/read me a story all day from waking to bedtime.

But - they love each other so much, cuddle together on the sofa. So it is hard but doable. Me and DH both do shift work and have no childcare/family help except for 3 hrs nursery grant thing so we get less respite than most I think

well, my eldest is (and always had been - so far, touch wood, cross fingers etc) a complete breeze.
No 2 is NOT.

If I had had no 2 first I doubt I would have had a second.

Yet I still think adding no 2 to the mix was relatively easy.
Yes it was hard work, and going back to the sleepless nights etc.

BUT even though no 2 was a lot more physically and mentally demanding than no 1, it has still been easier than no 1 as with no 1 I was TOTALLY clueless.

Ok, in some ways having two around has to be harder than having one around, but in other ways it isn't - they entertain each other etc.

AND with two you have double the love

ok, this thread is getting less scary. Read the reviews for that book and sounds like it might be one to dig once you ahve 2 and it is a total nightmare, just to know you're not alone.

I know I was utterly clueless with DS and it was a massive shock so in theory at least 2nd time around I'd vaguely know what I was doing...but DS had colic and major sleep issues for 1st 3-4months, got easier at 6months and is now a dream. But due to the nature of my work he generally only hangs out with adults apart from one day a week so I do desperately want him to have a sibling not too long away

lol megbusset we had sex first, once pregnant I panicked and read the book honestly it helped, I got all the panic out of the way and it was fine when I had ds2 cause I had a plan - I'm a bit of a planner

It's not something that anyone else can advise you about, imo. There are huge advantages to 'just' having one (and I speak as a very weary mother of 3) - more money, more time, a less frantic life, your own life back after a shorter period of time. It's just very easy compared to more than one.

On the other hand, if you feel that you simply can't imagine your family with just one child, then go for it. It's something that you either feel the need for, or not. DH and I are feeling particularly overwhelmed with 3 children (13, 11 and 3), work, household stuff, afterschool activities and so on - but neither of us would have felt the family was complete with one child. There are days, though...

I have 19m between my two boys. And its hard. They have an amazing bond and adore each other, but fight constantly - and am always feeling torn in two.

But, this could also be part down to be a single parent - and dare I say them both being boys (and high spirited) as friends I know dont have as much of a hard time.

They are also both hard ages (2 and nearly 4) I use all my childcare to work 2 days a week so have them both together the rest of the time - but hoping when it gets to September and DS1 starts school it all slots into place a little better.

That being said, its bloody hard, I have days I do nothing but shout and pull my hair out - but I wouldnt ever change a thing. Having two is wonderful!

It's not double the work. But it is more, and you need to learn to prioritise. If you want another, just do it

I've got a 19 month age gap and I've not found it particularly difficult. Yes some difficult days but not off the radar or in anyway that would make me do it differently if i had my time again. I'm not super organised either but it ain't been hard. HTH

For me, nothing compares with how hard I found it going from none to one. It was the biggest shock of my life. I honestly didn't find it any harder with two for the first year or so. It is only as my eldest child is becoming more of a reasonable character (he is five now), that I think - 'wow, if it was just him now it would be a breeze'. I don't mean that to sound harsh. I love having two, but because there is a three year age gap between them it is sometimes hard to keep them both happy. Still, having two is nowhere near as hard as it was adjusting to being a mother full stop, for me.

Its a amazing so many responses. A bit late to join, sorry..

If you really want to have another child then do not let anyone prevent you. I have four children with about almost 3 years between them.

Looking back it has not always been easy. I remember trying to be somewhere for 10 oclock and finding it a challenge, I had two then.

I have to organise myself more as I am dealing with more. Whats helpful if that I am married to a wonderful guy who is a brilliant chef and is very hands on with many things in the house. ( I still have to do my share of cooking!!)

After a while does it really matter if the bib with Monday on is being worn on Friday. I have beocome more relaxed in certain areas through experience and more SHARPER in other areas.

Everones experience is different to what yours maybe.

My advice would be is have another if you really want to. Do not look back wishing you had.

My four sometimes entertain one another.