ok, is it really THAT much harder with 2

[GirlWithTheMouseyHair]

we have 19mo DS, were planning on trying for another about 9months ago but my career seems to be going fairly well at the moment (work in theatre so will always be erratic and insecure) so decided to put ttc on hold while I ride the momentum.

Trouble is I really wanted to have a relatively (under 3yrs) small age gap between children, we only intend to have 2, but I'm terrified of all these stories coming out about how much harder it is to have two children, that in most ways it's harder than going from none to one...please give me your invaluable advice and experience!

Because of the nature of my work and the pay, we rely heavily on friends and family to help out, I don't currently have regular childcare as work is so erratic and is sometimes unpaid. DH bless him has said it's totally my choice when we try again, I know he's desperate for another baby though, he's even said he'll go and work as a contractor in a job I know he'd hate in order for me to continue working and being able to afford 2 lots of childcare.

It's all pretty easy now, I'm almost convinced to have DS as only child.....

I think it is a lot easier TBH but that's being at home all day with them. They are lying on the floor looking at each other now and laughing! I do find it more difficult to organise people to look after them and I think it would hard to organise erratic childcare.

Also, remember most people like to tell you horror stories.

Having one is hard.

Having two is like having five of the above.

But then I did say - out loud - 'ooh DD is sooo good, I'd love to have another.'

DD was 3 months old when I got preg with ds. Lordy knows how it happened. They are 1.7 and 2.7 now and are hard but ruddy fantastic actually. When I say hard, I actually mean busy.... Do it!

There is a lot to be said for 1 child, 2 close together or a 4 year gap to get one into school first.
I have one set 22 months apart who are like twins and one also 22 months apart who have little in common but the 44 month apart two are close as well if that makes sense.

For your own sanity and financial security I would recommend the 44 month gap.

I think it depends what your children are like. My 1st born was, and still is, highly strung (bless him) my 2nd was much easier going. As a result I didn't find it much harder having 2 as the first was quite hard anyway. All in all, having 2 under 5 was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. We've now had another and I'm finding 3 really hard.

If your work is so erratic that your dh has to work twice as hard and in a job he hates, for you to have two lots of childcare so that you can continue with your erratic, and sometimes unpaid job, then I really think you should either retrain or stick to just one.

And definitely learn to drive.

I didn't find it much harder with 2 than 1, but then dc1 was pretty high maintenance and dc2 was easy-going. Bloody hard work with 3 now though. Currently I look back at having 2 rather wistfully and wish I'd appreciated how easy it was...
Do you have any rl friends with 2? - could spend a day or 2 with them and see what it's really like.

When I look at my friends with only one, I think they are like parents-in-training. I was the same, basically I thought that having one was hard...now I know better.

Although looking after the new baby is certainly a lot easier than looking after the first, at least this time you have some clue as to what you are doing.

And I agree about approaching the Two Shoes book with caution. For example, I never "fell out of love" with my oldest child as she suggests. However, don't underestimate things like the extra strain having two can put on your relationship. You get so little time as a couple (let alone on your own) when there are more than one.

I couldn't contemplate more - I guess that is when you surrender completely.

we keep swaying...as qsno says it's probably in our financial interests for me to change career or just not have any more (I would never let DH take a job he hates). But it does feel like there's an empty seat at our table IYKWIM

but then I know from experience with DS that no matter what anyone else tells you, you can't really prepare yourself for what will come until it does

sigh...was so much easier the 1st time round!

Even if it is a lot harder to start with, as the shock to your system, your body, your family, your eldest child wear off, it is getting a lot easier. It is a lot more expensive to have two than one, but so worth it. Our boys are now 8 and 5, and we are considering a third...

I really think that the answer is such an individual experience. It really depends alot upon the personality of each child.

For me, it was much easier gong from 1-2 than 0-1. DS1 was a very demanding baby so I find him much easier now he is 2.4yrs. DS2 has been a dream baby, he sleeps pretty well and will go down during the day so I can get on with things. DS1 was the biggest velcro baby ever.

The first month was probably the hardest due to post pregnancy hormones, lack of sleep, physically recovering from the birth.

DS1 was only 21mths when I had DS2 and it wasn't nice having to deal with him hitting his little brother etc. Now that DS2 is 7mths though, he is generally quite nice with him.

At bedtime tonight, DS1 said 'Goodnight DS2' and gave him a kiss. Lovely to see.

I think it's nice to have a sibling for all sorts of reasons.

I'd say go for it but is there any way you can get at least 9mths off work?

"When I look at my friends with only one, I think they are like parents-in-training."

Ouch!

I only have one (he's 9). I don't feel like I'm in training at all.

I have one dd and it's likely to stay that way - an earlier poster who I think had 3 said it best, you get a feel for it. I am pretty sure I would be terrible at the organisation bit and splitting my attention between two or more - I'm just not very good at that. I'm better at giving my full attention to a person at a time. Just didn't realise it until dd came along. I always assumed I would have 2 because it seemed to me that's what everyone does. Then you have a child and you learn a lot about yourself, your strengths and weaknesses. I can't say the decision has been guilt free, I still worry about the sibling thing, but then I have 3 sisters and only close to the one that is 16 years older than me! (at 34, I can't leave a gap like that!) All my friends have 2 and they are doing well (although frazzled) and I'm sure they will continue to do great, I just want to be the best mum I can be for dd rather than one that just copes, which I suspect very strongly is what would happen. If the decision is purely on a practical basis, I think often these things can be overcome, it just may seem daunting now. I don't think personally that would be a reason for me not to have another, as I've said my reasons are purely based on trying to be the best mum I can be.

BTW Strandatsea - 'parents in training' is pretty condescending. There are parenting challenges in all family sizes, the whole ' you not really a family until you have 2, you're just a couple with a child' thing really gets my goat!

I have two DCs, youngest is 5.

Now they are older, I find it takes us ages to get anything extra than routine stuff done while my friends with one child are always managing to complete projects.

Partly it is because it takes less time to put one child to bed than two and you can use time when child is at a friends house to get on with stuff rather than for one on one time with the sibling etc.

But also because we lack energy. I never used to sit on the sofa and once the novelty had worn off, found it hard to sit still to bf my first. Now I feel like I can't do much other than sit on the sofa once DCs are in bed.

But it's worth it!

MindySimmons I've calmed down a little and decided that we are all parents in training. Not that anyone ever graduates really - even when your child is an adult with children of their own you are still a parent, trying to do you best.

A parent with, say, two under-5s is as much a cadet when it comes to their DCs as I am with my one 9yo, and vice versa.

I think you are always in training with your eldest because it is completely new ground.

I notice it all the time with my DCs friends' mums. DS's (6) closest friends are younger siblings, whereas DD's(3) friends are all elders or onlys. I constantly marvel at how laidback DS's friends mums are and then feel I guess like them with DD's friends mums, iyswim. DS's friends mums are quite, quite different, however, with their elder children.

Oh I don't mean to sound condescending and hated it when people said that sort of thing to me when I only had one so multiple apologies I guess I just said it wrong. And I am sure that people with twins, triplets etc look at people with singletons and think, ha, you have no idea!

However, I stand by what I said even if I said it wrong. Friends of mine with only one do seem to have an easy life compared to mine (and I had an easier life when I only had one), and sometimes they don't really see to appreciate how much more complicated things become as you gain more children. But maybe it's just because I have a two year old as well as a four year old so it all seems difficult at the moment.

And I am more than happy for people with lots of children to come along and say oh no having two is easy. I am one of four and totally in awe of my parents and how they coped.

Haven't read the rest of the thread, sorry...

It is very hard! But I don't think as full-on as going from 0-1. My second is 9months now so I can now feed them similar meals at similar times, and they'll entertain each other to some extent. So getting easier, but initially when they are on such different schedules it is NOT easy!

Having said that, OMG seeing them together is the best best thing in the world.

now I either desperately want another one NOW or am absolutely terrified! It's mainly practical obstacles (and money in terms of childcare, but even if I fell pregnant now I'd only have 6months before DS would get his 15hours at nursery, if they don't cut it). I pretty much earn childcare costs when I do work...

really glad to have had all your input though, thankyou

Sometimes its best not to decide. Just see what happens.

We just had a big discussion last night and decided to start trying for DC2 in August. We have one DD who will be 5 in October, so obviously starts school in September.

It's only relatively recently that I could ever comprehend the idea of another one, I had PND the first time and really really disliked the baby stage.

But now DD has come out and specifically asked me to have another (damn my super-cute 6mo nephew ) - she said "I need a friend at home - not you or daddy - I need another children" which as pressure goes is fairly intense.

TBH I'm terrified and having taken so long to get some sort of independence back to throw it all away is very hard as I think I'm an intrinsically selfish person. But it would be the best thing I could do for DD, I could identify PND if it happens and I have such low expectations this time.

Annoyingly, I've lost the best part of 2 stone this year and my present to myself for getting to 10 stone was going to be a Vivienne Westwood dress - looks like that's out the window then! (told you I was selfish )

wow angelene, that is pressure but totally understand where she's coming from! Part of me regrets we just haven't done it, maybe I should just go try and get pregnant without thinking about it too much and what will be will be...which is what we did the 1st time round anyway

Not as scary as you know what you are doing so much more. But physically exhausting as you can't flop when baby is asleep, and if one of them doesn't need you the other one does, 24 hours a day. But as they get older they will hopefully play together and amuse each other without needing you to join in all the time.

Hi Angelene, don't mean to put the cat amongst the pigeons but IMO I'm not sure having another purely for your child is a good enough reason. If you want another because you love the idea of a bigger family and two little ones running around (probably having fun and fighting in equal measure!) then that's fantastic. But I've done a lot of soul searching and I'm not sure it's fair to have another for the sake of entertain my DD, it's a lot of pressure to put on the second.

Really hope I haven't offended anyone but there are no guarantees you will be giving her the 'friend' that she wants anyway.

Thanks Mindy, that's good advice.

I think I do want another - it would seem a shame not to really. It's just facing the reality of the baby stage....

Maybe I need to think this through a bit more.