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Original poster

5 year old's baptism - how to explain it to them after my first attempt brought on tears and an "I don't want to be baptised!"?

118 replies

prettyinpunk · 04/06/2010 19:28

My 5 year old DS is being belatedly baptised in a couple of weeks. My first attempt to bring it up had him in tears, exclaiming he didn't want to be baptised.

He's not used to attending church (Christmas, Easter and a few regular times when he was 3) & his reply to my asking why was that he didn't want to be 'at the front of the church'.

I think he remembers this from last Christmas when the children were encouraged to go forward to look at the crib (this he did with no problems as he was with a friend).

He can be very sensitive and lacks self-confidence/is unsure of new situations.

Does anyone have any tips on how I can prepare/explain/avoid tears on the day??

Thank you!

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Original poster
prettyinpunk · 04/06/2010 20:10

seeker - 'don't they do baptisms abroad?'
am I allowed to say that we didn't want a service conducted in south america - or will I be shot down for that one too? and besides, Pixieonaleaf, it was a bit tricky for a 'huge number of personal guests' to join us for our photo opportunity and party afterwards.

Thank you to those who have offered some advice - zapostrophe & goblinchild

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Northernlurker · 04/06/2010 20:14

I fail to see the point in baptising a child against their will and when you have no intention of actually bringing them up in the faith by attending church. Leave him alone - you've missed the boat on this one.

seeker · 04/06/2010 20:16

If you want baptism for truly religious reasons, you either want it done as early as possible so that your child is a proper member of your church - and will go to heaven if he/she dies(god forbid).

Or you want a child to be baptized when he or she is old enough to make an informed decision about their faith.

5 is an age that doesn't fit either of these scenarios.

Interested in this thread?

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Families General parenting Philosophy & religion
Original poster
prettyinpunk · 04/06/2010 20:29

yes, QS, we are catholics and having a baptism at this stage is not a problem. we did not want to have our children baptised when we were living in brazil because we 1. didn't feel comfortable enough with the language and 2. we did want some family/friends there. believe it or not we only came back to the uk twice while we were there & one trip was for a family funeral.

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Original poster
prettyinpunk · 04/06/2010 20:33

Hurley - 'you seem very hostile you know' - are you surprised? All I asked for was some constructive advice, not a theological cross-examination.

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QSnondomicile · 04/06/2010 20:37

In that case, I think you should preservere. Have you tried sunday school? Your child has moved from one country to another, it is a pretty big change for a child, and now he has to go through a baptism, in front of a church full of strangers, and a with a new priest, and kids he doesnt know?

I would wait a little, until he is familiar with the Church, the sundayschool, and Father.

Especially, if he is going to a Catholic school, it might be worth waiting till he has started, so everything is more familiar.

My son blended in at his RC primary quickly, even he was new to the parish, had not gone to sunday school, and developed a great respect for Father Christopher. Good luck!

Original poster
prettyinpunk · 04/06/2010 20:41

seeker - '5 is an age that doesn't fit either of these scenarios' - is that your expert opinion? if that was the church's line, wouldn't there be some objection from them?

and

'if you want baptism for truly religious reasons' - who do you think you are to stand on your soapbox and question my reasons.

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TheFallenMadonna · 04/06/2010 20:43

I agree with QS. I would just go to church and let him get used to it in his own time. Or do you have a massive do planned?

Original poster
prettyinpunk · 04/06/2010 20:46

QS - thank you for your comments. We're actually having a 'private' service, so it wont be part of the mass or in front of lots of strangers - in some ways I think it would help if there were other children (although he will be with his younger sibling).

He's not actually going to a RC school as there isn't one in our area, but it's still a lovely little non-denominational school that he really enjoys so far.

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Original poster
prettyinpunk · 04/06/2010 20:49

No Madonna, there's no massive party, so we could be flexible. I suppose we were waiting all this time, I just wanted to get it done asap.

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ravenAK · 04/06/2010 20:49

Can you just postpone it until he's had time to start attending regularly, & had the opportunity to change his mind about his worries?

If he doesn't change his mind, are you planning to insist?

seeker · 04/06/2010 20:53

To be honest, I think that for a Roman Catholic to say that they didn't want their child baptised because they couldn't have their family and friends there and they weren't happy with the language suggests that they don't really understand the sacrament of baptism.

champagnesupernova · 04/06/2010 20:54

To the OP = sounds like you have your reasons for not doing this previously.

BUT you must understand how this comes across especially when there are LOTS of people who don't have relogious convictions who are prepared to christen their children to get them into a faith school - it's as much of a MN bugbear as frootshoots or P&C parking spaces.

Perhaps you should have a rehearsal with your DS with Father so he knows exactly what to expect?

AMumInScotland · 04/06/2010 20:56

I think by 5 you have to take his views into consideration - give him a chance to get used to the church on a regular basis, then see if he wants to do this to mark his "joining" the church. But if he still doesn't want to then I think you have to accept that.

I don't have a problem with infant baptism (DS was baptised at a few months), because then it is simply the parents saying what they intend to do about raising the child within their faith. But once they are old enough to express their views, it's up to them to make the choice. Infant baptism is only done on the basis that the child is too young to answer for themself - once they are old enough to say clearly whether they want to or not, then it has to be their own decision, not yours.

Original poster
prettyinpunk · 04/06/2010 20:57

yes, we would insist, because he's not objecting on religious grounds. i have broached the subject once, at the end of a tiring, emotional day and it probably all sounded too much.

hence why i started this post...to seek advice and tips before i broached the subject again at a better time, when he's more responsive and communicative. i was looking for a useful analogy or something, that i could use to help him understand what it's all about.

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Original poster
prettyinpunk · 04/06/2010 21:00

AMuminScotland - do you really think a (newly & pretty immature) 5 year old is old enough to express their own views about something like this?

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ravenAK · 04/06/2010 21:06

My 5 year old would certainly be old enough to express his own views!

& on 'something like this' - ie. signing him up for life to a faith he doesn't share in any informed way now, & may reject utterly as an adult - well, I wouldn't be even considering it unless he was with me all the way.

Sorry. But I do think you'd do better to let him decide for himself.

AMumInScotland · 04/06/2010 21:07

Yes. I think that even quite young children are able to understand religious concepts, if you've tried to explain them to them.

And if you haven't tried to explain about religion by 5 (and you aren't new Christians yourselves) then it is presumably not an important part of your lives.

TotallyWipedout · 04/06/2010 21:07

I can't say I'd set much store by the religious opinions of five-year-olds. And I accept what you say about not wanting a Brazilian baptism, if that matters to you. But I do think you'd be better off leaving the baptism at least until your son is used to the whole church environment. Then it will all be very homely and unstressful. As it is, the whole thing is utterly alien. You wouldn't just drop him into school without having had a few settling-in sessions first, would you?

I personally think five is too in-between-y to baptise anyone, and that you missed the boat when he was a baby, but that's a different conversation. Given that you're intent on doing it, you have to do it in the way that makes your son least uncomfortable, and seems to me that he needs to be more familiar with the environment first. But if you do it regardless, five-year-olds are odd things, and he may well like the idea if you mention it again.

Have you thought of bribery?

BosomsByTheSea · 04/06/2010 21:08

How can he object on religious grounds!? He's 5 years old!

Why can't his wishes be respected? Most babies don't have the chance to object to their parents' religion being thrust upon them, but your son is objecting, and you are ignoring him.

What it's about is indoctrination. How about 'Mummy and Daddy support Aston Villa, so you have to support Aston Villa', even if it isn't important to you and you don't understand it, because we say so.

on his behalf

TotallyWipedout · 04/06/2010 21:08

(I'm also laughing at the idea of my five-year-old DD going along with the idea of a baptism. I'm not sure that even bribery would work on her.)

PixieOnaLeaf · 04/06/2010 21:09

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Original poster
prettyinpunk · 04/06/2010 21:11

champagnesupernova - yes i know there are some taboos in the mn world, but tbh, i'm actually really surprised that some are SO quick to judge.

when i was abroad, mners were a huge help: informative, reassuring, experienced. but with this post it seems as though some mners are straight in for the kill. i can't believe how easy it is for them to immediately think of the negative

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PixieOnaLeaf · 04/06/2010 21:13

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FakePlasticTrees · 04/06/2010 21:13

OP - our church does baptisms once a month in the family service, at your church, do they have the baptisims in the main service or are they done privately? If they are in the main services, make sure you take him along so he can see it's not scary.

I would also suggest you start going every Sunday. Not because I don't think you should get him baptised if you don't - but because he'll get to know other children who go every week, the regular members of the congregation, get to know the building etc.

Can you invite the Priest over for lunch or something so your DS can see he's not a scary man?

However, i also think that if you don't get any joy, you might want to either ask your priest for a private baptism outside of the normal service so it's just family or you leave it until he's older and better able to cope.