trying to do it differently - parenting after an abusive childhood?

[Leonine]

Any other mummies out there who'd like a sort of support thread on the particular challenges (and joys!) of being a parent yourself if you grew up in the kind of family that you really don't want as a role model for your own? My own childhood was very, very emotionally abusive and that affects me as a mother in lots of ways, good and bad. Good in that I try to do things as differently from them as possible, and a fair bit of the time I succeed; bad... more complicated. I'm hoping that if there are other mums going through the same kind of thing you'll understand where I'm coming from. I'm not looking for answers as such as I've already spent a long time coming to terms with these issues; more for shared experience of what is inevitably a painful situation in some ways or others, and how to manage that. If there are others out there in a similar position, would be good to hear from you!

Jo, I absolutely relate to you being relieved when you found out you were having a boy. And that two boys would be your ideal. That is exactly how I used to feel. I was desperate for my first DC to be a boy, but kept it secret and she turned out to be a girl. I do think that is partly why I felt numb when she was born, I will never know for sure but if think if she had been a boy, I would have not been numb, I would have been over the moon. I cried when I found out DC2 was going to be a boy. I don't think I could have coped, emotionally, with another girl. I have found I am in a very small minority when I admit to having wanted boy babies only so it is so nice to hear from somebody else who feels the same way as I did. I remember feeling positively jealous and resentful at finding out that people I knew were having boys.

But, after a LOT of hard work on my part, I am now finally starting to feel pleased that I do have a girl, that I have DD. It becomes clearer to me every day that my negative feelings towards DD should all rightfully be directed towards my mother and sisters and the clearer this becomes the closer I feel towards DD. And in fact I am grateful that I had a girl as if I had had 2 boys, I wonder whether I would ever have realised the full extent of my childhood issues much less dealt with them in the way I have.

ABitTipsy I understand what you mean about directing negative feelings not at your daughter, but at your mother and sisters. I would like to think that I wouldn't take out what was done to me on a little girl - I do have 9 nieces and was a nanny recently for my friend who has triplets (2 boys and a girl). However, I do think having a daughter would trigger more memories for me personally, than raising a son. Perhaps I'm selfish. Perhaps I'm more balanced than I think and I would cope fine with a daughter. But.... I still do hope the next child is a boy.

My partner is from a happy, loving, "normal" family and all members get along with all the other members. Still, I have noticed that there is a difference in the Mother-daughter relationship that his mother has with his sister, than the Mother-son relationship he has with his mother, or his brother has with his sister. With the best will in the world, and the most fair and non-gender biased parenting, I think that this fact remains. When his mother helped with her first two grandchildren, she was helping the woman who had been her little girl and whom she had given birth do. When his mother helped us after our son was born, she was helping the man who had been her little boy - and a woman who she had met as a fully grown, independent person.

I don't know if I'm making any sense. I think I'll go to bed!

Hi Leonine. I find it hard to just think/talk about how bad things are/have been, without thinking of ways to make it better as well. I don't want things to keep feeling bad and never changing, I want new ways of thinking which make it feel better. When I find a thought which really helps me, I like sharing it in case it helps other people. If this is unwanted on this thread then it is probably best if I don't contribute. I didn't think it would be upsetting for anyone and I don't want to be upsetting people and not even realising that the way I write can do that. I apologise for any bad feelings anyone has felt from reading my posts. I wish you all well.

OSAHM - a masterclass in not listening to a single word of what I was actually saying. I wish you very well too.