Getting fed up with all the comments on dd1's looks while dd2 is ignored. Anyone else have this?

[suiledonne]

I have 2 girls, a 4 year old and an 18 month old.

They are very different in looks and personality but both equally beautiful in their own way.

DD1 is very striking with pale skin, huge dark eyes and dark hair and everyone comments on what a beautiful child she is but no-one mentions dd2 who I think is gorgeous with blonde curls, blue eyes and a cheeky little grin.

I always chime in with 'isn't dd2 lovely too with her blonde curls' or something similar and some people blankly ignore the hint.

It happens with family and with strangers.
We were in the supermarket yesterday and one of the women working there went on and on about dd1. She gets a bit embarrassed these days by it too.

It doesn't really matter at the moment as dd2 is too young to realise but I would hate her to grow up thinking dd1 is the 'beautiful one'.

Am I overthinking this or would it annoy you too?

no yanbu
With family, I would tell them!
Strangers....it's harder, not sure

It would annoy me so much - am v aware that girls are often assessed on their looks, and having a sister means that inevitably one will be considered "less pretty" and the other "more pretty". Potentially damaging. I was the less pretty sister and it upset me when I was younger. As with many things, I don't care about it any more - am delighted for my sister that she is beautiful (and she really is!).

But... for the years until your DDs don't care, I would keep chiming in praising DD2, too. And, am sure you are doing this, but I would try and not focus looks at home - their minds and characters are so much more important.

Ditto bunnymother, I was the 'ugly' sister and far from being the balanced and reasonable parent you so obviously are, my Mum used to chime in in support of the passersby that praised my cute little sister and ignored me. I did grow up with a lot of self esteem issues, but it was mainly the unfavourable things my Mum said that I remember (like, "such bad luck on multiplex she's got her grandfather's chin" etc. etc.), rather than anything strangers said.

I think if you consistently make them both feel equally valuable and beautiful, they will both be fine. You could try and get close family on board, I'm sure they will understand, but I would just try to forget about strangers' comments. People have nearly always got something vaguely unhelpful to say haven't they

Mum has started the unfair comparisons all over again with my two children - but that's another story, and one I'll probably end up posting on another thread before long....

I have had this. Met a client once when out shopping and ds1 and ds2 were sitting in the trolley. She went on and on about ds2 being gorgeous and then to cap it all, said. "I mean they're both lovely but HE is REALLY gorgeous!" Ds1 was old enough to understand and I was quite upset for him, particularly as when they were little, they were so alike that some people would mistake them for twins so apart from being mean, it was quite bizarre!

I sympathise, lots of people want to comment on my sons looks but not my daughter (who is older and understands). I just try to tell them that they are both beautiful, but it is wearing.

tell your family, seriously.
You can't control strangers but your DDs need to be helped with this.
My older sister was much less pretty than me and she still hates me thirty years later. It was really hard - I did nothing wrong but she loathed me.

Also ,the 'pretty' one needs to be told the other stuff she is good at. Actually they both do.

I will tell DD that she looks beautiful. But the vast majority of my conversations with her are about the things over which she has some control - thethings that are praise worthy like 'you are such a kind girl', 'you are so much fun to be with', 'you are really interesting to talk too' etc etc.

Thanks, Multiplex. DD is only v young, so can't be sure I won't totally cock things up when she gets older.

Pagwatch raises a very good point - if people only comment on DD1's looks, she may come to feel that that is her key attribute. Which is not what you want. I agree that praising things they can control and are non-looks related is so very important. Also lovely to tell them that they are beautiful, but I think best if emphasis is on other things. Which can be hard as that's all strangers notice/comment on.

Looks fade, and if its too important to you, its a tragic loss (Winston Churchill's mother said "I'll never get over no longer being the most beautiful woman in the room". Ouch). Much better to think of yourself primarily in other ways.

Pagwatch - so sorry your sister hasn't worked her way through something that isn't anything you actually did.

Re my sister, to make matters worse, my sister is also more intelligent - MENSA member. But thank God I can now genuinely congratulate her and be proud of her. We all have to find our own way, but it must be so bloody hard watching your little ones grow up w some stumbles along the way. Right, sorry for sermon!!!

Ahhh it's so hard, can only agree with the others about praising etc. I have a gorgeous 1 year old dd who gets lots of attention. We went on holiday in April and people gave her so much attention and compliments it was hard on my 5 year old ds. He said to me 'everyone loves dd don't they mummy?'. It shattered me to hear him say it. He gets loads of attention at home and he is our number 1 boy but they do notice the things strangers say. My family is v good and tbh he gets more attention than dd as he is the only grandson with 2 very proud nanas who ADORE him, just as much as me. :-)

I can't believe people are so insensitive and stupid. I would never compliment one child and not the other. And I probably wouldn't compliment their looks, anyway, I worry about putting too much emphasis on it. I am more likely to comment on their good behaviour or similar.

Am stunned by the people that do this. Not sure what can be done, though, especially when it's coming from strangers. I would certainly prime family and friends to only offer balanced comment though, and hope that limits the damage.

Me and my sister seem similar to your daughters. I have pale and nordic looks fair hair, green eyes, red lips.

My sister has Mediterranean looks tanned skin brown hair brown eyes brown lips.

We have never really been compared though because we are so different some say I am pretty some say my sister is pretty it is a matter of taste. Does no one praise your other dd.

I have this with my two and fil - he constantly praises dd2 - look at her beautiful eyes, she's gorgeous, aah look at her curls! DD2 is 20 months and my dd1 is 5, so she is getting to the stage where she understands. Everytime he says something about dd2, I make a point of saying 'so does dd1, so did dd1' just to let him know that they are both beautiful!! The best of it is they are the very alike - same brown eyes, same coloured hair and so its amazing to me how one can be so gorgeous and the other one not so much iyswim!

I would maybe try to distract from looks altogether -- like my mother's old chestnut, "It's nice to be pretty on the outside, but it's more important to be pretty on the inside." I understand that you don't want the one daughter's feelings to be hurt but I would be concerned generally about the focus on looks.

My mum I think has never got over having an absolutely gorgeous little brother. Lots of other issues about him being the favourite of their mum generally, but the comments of strangers (sixty years on) are still remembered and mentioned.