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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

DH hit DD2. Is there ever any excuse?

64 replies

Sarah111213 · 13/05/2010 22:36

I am so angry with him. He hit her because she hadn't cleaned the bathroom to his expectations, and when she asked for help, he said she was 'backchatting'.

She is 15.

OP posts:

AnyFuleKno · 13/05/2010 22:39

No, that is very shocking

Original poster

Sarah111213 · 13/05/2010 22:42

I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, he isn't a nasty man but I don't know whether this is abusive or not, or anything really.

If someone at the school finds out, what will happen?

OP posts:

Original poster

Sarah111213 · 13/05/2010 22:45

Please answer, someone. I don't know how to deal with this.

OP posts:

whatname · 13/05/2010 22:47

where did he hit her? hard? how is she?

scurryfunge · 13/05/2010 22:48

Depends really. You can still lawfully chastise in theory. Is it a regular occurance? Has she any injuries? How does she feel about it?

AnyFuleKno · 13/05/2010 22:48

Sounds like he lost his rag and was unable to deal with her effectively, but this is a very worrying reaction. Has he ever hit anyone before?

LittleLebowskiUrbanAchiever · 13/05/2010 22:49

Hit how? I mean, I suspect all hitting is inappropriate in these circumstances but there is a difference imo between how i would react if it was a light touch, or a hit intended to cause pain.

has he done this before? In fifteen years there must have been more provocation than a poorly cleaned bathroom. Sounds odd to me. Why now?

booyhoo · 13/05/2010 22:50

wow. emm, i dont know the back story, whether you smack in your family but my OH would be out. sorry, maybe not what you want to hear but nobody touches my child, not even his dad.

reddaisy · 13/05/2010 22:51

Did you see what happened? Hitting a 15 year old is not acceptable. That is abuse, it is not like smacking a naughty toddler to teach them a safety lesson. What did you do? This must be very scary for you. How is your daughter now?

If it is something that is regular and you don't stand up for her, it could damage your relationship with her. Sorry to scare you by the way.

But, if he realises he shouldn't behave like that then maybe he could get some help to control himself?

AnyFuleKno · 13/05/2010 22:53

You're going to have to be very careful that your dd doesn't think you turn a blind eye or condone this.

Original poster

Sarah111213 · 13/05/2010 22:56

I wasn't there. But they both agree on what happened, and he admits that he hit her.

He grabbed her face and then hit her across the back. It was enough to make her wince and cry, but hasn't left a mark. She is shaken, but she knows that I am on her side. I don't care about showing a united front.

I am disgusted with him. They have the usual teenage daughter/father relationship but he is a stickler about cleaning etc. and doesn't allow anything which is not up to his standard. It sounds terrible when written down, I know, but it's just a part of his personality.

Oh God.

OP posts:

Missus84 · 13/05/2010 22:57

There isn't ever an excuse to hit any child imo, BUT - what were the exact circumstances? Was it just that she hadn't cleaned to his standards and he hit her to punish her, or was this an ongoing argument that escalated and he finally lost his temper and lashed out?

Neither is acceptable, but one is a lot more understandable than the other.

scurryfunge · 13/05/2010 22:57

Is he a control freak with you too?

Missus84 · 13/05/2010 22:58

In that case, then it does sound abusive. Would he also hit you if your cleaning wasn't up to his standards?

Original poster

Sarah111213 · 13/05/2010 23:01

He wouldn't hit me. No. He sulks a lot, but would never hit me.

Which makes it even worse, I think. I would much rather he hit me than hit my daughter.

When she was younger, we did used to smack. It's not something I'm proud of, and I stopped long before she started school (probably before she was four) but she knows that it is no longer something I condone. At all. Ever.

And hitting a teenager somehow seems different to tapping a toddler for running into the road.

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 13/05/2010 23:03

It's unacceptable. What does he have to say about it?

AnyFuleKno · 13/05/2010 23:04

It is worse - it's not sanctioning behaviour, it's resorting to violence due to being out of control. You both need to do something about this as there are going to be worse situations to come in the future than 15 year old not cleaning to acceptable standards.

GypsyMoth · 13/05/2010 23:04

i think this time yesterday you would have said the same if asked 'would he ever hit your daughter'.....you think he wont hit you? how can you be certain??

you seem worried she'll mention it in school?

LittleLebowskiUrbanAchiever · 13/05/2010 23:07

its not on. She's fifteen for gods sake: there are better ways to communicate.

You need to make a judgement as to whether he understands the gravity of what he has done, and a bit of a risk assessment for the future. If you think its so out of character for him to do this that you are shocked, maybe there is a way forward here. If this is something that is not that much of a surprise from him, then I think you need to put protecting your children ahead of anything else.

Good luck: it must be horrible for you. But ultimately you are responsible for keeping your children safe.

MadamDeathstare · 13/05/2010 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

colditz · 13/05/2010 23:14

In a few months this will no longer be classed as 'chastising a child' - she will be 16 and it will be classed as domestic violence.

Think on that.

the fact that she is 15, and being beaten across the back for not scouring a bathroom to this cunt's standards is not discipline, it's not a momentary loss of temper, and it is not reasonable chastisement - it is domestic abuse of a minor. Soon to be domestic abuse of a young woman.

make him move out. It doesn't matter what you say to your daughter on this - without him receiving a visible consequence, you are choosing his wishes over her safety.

AnyFuleKno · 13/05/2010 23:31

Your dh must get help of some kind, that would be an absolute dealbreaker for me.

Original poster

Sarah111213 · 13/05/2010 23:31

He said that he just saw red. He went to apologised to her but said that she wouldn't talk to him. Why should she?

I don't know what to say to him, apart from that I am very disappointed.

In his defence, because I suppose I have to consider it, he has a lot on his plate at the moment and is very miserable.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 13/05/2010 23:34

alot of people have 'alot on their plate' ...what about your dd,about to sit her gcse's,no??

now she has the memory of this affecting her?

Original poster

Sarah111213 · 13/05/2010 23:35

I have to go now. Thankyou for your support and I will update you in the morning.

OP posts:

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