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Parenting

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Original poster

DH hit DD2. Is there ever any excuse?

64 replies

Sarah111213 · 13/05/2010 22:36

I am so angry with him. He hit her because she hadn't cleaned the bathroom to his expectations, and when she asked for help, he said she was 'backchatting'.

She is 15.

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 13/05/2010 23:38

Please don't try to make any excuses for his behaviour. You have to decide whether there is a way forward for your family and whether the safety of the children (nd your self) can be guaranteed.

pennywidmore · 13/05/2010 23:40

My dad hit me across the face when I was a similar age. I immediately knew it was wrong, and lost any respect I had for him. And it gave my teenage self another reason to hate his authority and rebel a little bit more. So it had the completely opposite affect it was supposed to. I don't have a close relationship with my dad now.

I suspect your DD feels the same? I glad your DH has apologised though, that's one good thing. My dad never did

GypsyMoth · 13/05/2010 23:41

no,make no excuses,but i think things need to be smoothed over somehow until exams are over....she needs to get through her exams....then deal with this.

thats just what i think is best from what you've said....i have a dd same age doing gcse's now...and her dad was violent(very),i left him.

Original poster

Sarah111213 · 13/05/2010 23:45

You all sound so brave. It's funny, when you put it in words, it sounds so different to how it sounds when you think about it. DD is in year 10 , so no gcses this year. I think he knows what he did was wrong, but I don't think he wants to admit it. He apologised because I told him to.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 13/05/2010 23:48

let him stew/process it overnight!! see whay the morning brings then..

PotPourri · 13/05/2010 23:50

No real advice but just to say that I hope sleeping on it helps. The main thing to remember is that you need to do what is best for your daughter, otherwise she will never trust you. You should maybe discuss with her how she feels about it all (and possible solutions).

BelleDameSansMerci · 13/05/2010 23:52

How is this possibly, ever an ok thing to do? She didn't clean the bathroom to his standard so he hit her. Is she a domestic slave? If he wants the bathroom cleaned to a certain standard perhaps he should do it himself.

Original poster

Sarah111213 · 14/05/2010 00:01

I agree, Belle. I don't know what else to say or do tonight. I don't know whether to wake him and let him know what I think, which is what I want to do, or leave it until the morning.

I don't know whether to warn her not to tell her grandparents (who are both elderly and ill) or whether this will make it seem like I'm embarrassed, and she should be too.

OP posts:

lisad123wantsherquoteinDM · 14/05/2010 00:34

if this was a wife instead of a dd, what would you say? would you think it was acceptable? would you not tell her to leave. he hit her because she didnt clean the bathroom properly! The man needs some help and i think you know that already.

AnyFucker · 14/05/2010 07:25

Sarah...you really, really must not tell your daughter to keep this is a secret

If I were her, I would not perceive that as embarassment, I would see that as you colluding with him to cover up DV

That is a very slippery slope

She should talk about it to whoever the hell she likes...if her father looks bad because of it, so be it

trumpton · 14/05/2010 07:37

I was so utterley utterley foul to my mother at the same age that she lost her temper with me and banged my head against the wall. Did it feel like abuse ? No it did not . It made me aware that she too had feelings and that i was behaving like a spoilt little fuck to her. Did it alter my feelings to her ? Not at all. It has happened . It was out of character. Now you have slept on it I hope you feel calmer and thet you are all feeling better about things.

BelleDameSansMerci · 14/05/2010 07:43

trumpton - you can't assume that because you were an unpleasant teenager (as was I) that the OP's DD is too...

Stuff like this does happen in a lot of families but that doesn't make it right.

TotalChaos · 14/05/2010 07:48

I doubt the OP's DD was being utterly foul - utterly foul teens don't tend to clean the bathroom . don't make her keep it secret. That would be for yours and DH's benefit, not hers.

cananybodyhelp · 14/05/2010 07:51

I had a similar experience with my Dad who kicked me up the backside as I tried to dodge past him after doing something utterly horrible to my brother as a teenager. He just lost his rag and I had behaved like a little rat to him for months in the lead up to that.

Casmama · 14/05/2010 07:55

I agree, you must not tell her to keep it quiet. Perhaps your dh seeing other peoples reaction to this would make him realise how serious it is.
Grabbing her by the face sounds horrible and I have to be honest, I know it is your child but I would react to that as if he had done it to me - ask him to move out at least for a few days for him to get some perspective and realise what he had done. You cannot condone this in anyway and letting it go after he apologiesed only because you told him to is wholly inadequate.
Sorry you are having to deal with this.

oliviacrumble · 14/05/2010 10:02

I agree with those who say you need to make a huge deal about this.

Please don't tell your daughter to keep this quiet - it make her lose respect for you, as well as your dh.

I think his behaviour is shocking, tbh. For all of your sakes, he needs to know that there is no circumstance in which this behaviour is acceptable.

Please don't try to justify this by saying he has a lot on his plate. Many of us do, and don't resort to violence.

I'm not one to overreact generally, but I think this is a huge issue for you and your family.

Poor dd.

LoveBeingAHungParliament · 14/05/2010 10:06

If you tell her to keep this a secret you are telling her that if people are violent o her it is something that must be kept from others, not a good message for a young woman who will be having relationships in a few short years.

Your dh needs to feel sorry not just cause you told him to.

coppertop · 14/05/2010 10:12

I agree about not keeping it a secret. Your dh needs to see that there are consequences to his actions and that a sulky forced "sorry" just doesn't cut it.

If he's prepared to hit someone because they haven't cleaned to his standards then I think he might need to talk to someone about that issue as well as about anger management.

DwayneDibbley · 14/05/2010 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

onebatmother · 14/05/2010 10:44

This is madness - over cleaning?
Is this obsession with cleaning really a completely isolated fault or part of a range of faults which add up to a controlling personality?
What does he usually do if cleaning isn't done to his satisfaction?

My father hit me when I was 16 and my mother allowed me to leave home over it. I didn't really ever forgive her I'm afraid.

TheFallenMadonna · 14/05/2010 10:49

Did he really hit her because she hadn't cleaned? Was that the only provocation? God knows I think hitting a 15 yo is shocking enough, but as you have presented it it is rather sinister, and if this is a new thing and he is indeed very stressed ATM I would worry about his mental health. Not as an excuse for his behaviour you understand -thinking of you and your children and your safety as much as him.

ahundredtimes · 14/05/2010 10:58

Oh I'm so sorry, it sounds awful.

Two pronged approach:

you need to talk to him. I strongly suggest you don't do the 'I'm very disappointed in you' though. Then you're treating him like a child. If he's on the edge at the minute - and this is an expression of that - it will make him retreat further into feeling furious, misunderstood and sulky and he'll resist feeling guilty, because he can't hack feeling guilty. On some level he knows it's wrong. It has nothing to do with your dd either, really, does it.

To her, I'd tell her, it was not okay at all. She should not be hit by anyone, ever. You think it's wrong, you need to tell her that.

Don't tell her not to tell anyone. He should have nowhere to hide. If he is a decent man, then you need to approach him with compassion though - and insist he face up to his adult responsibilities on how to behave. Don't let him blame her, or the grime on the bath. It's not NOTHING to do with that

Original poster

Sarah111213 · 14/05/2010 20:55

Thanks for all your responses. I did tell her not to think that she had to keep it a secret - if she wanted to talk to anyone about it, that was her choice. I also told her that she was free to kick me out of the house for half an hour and talk to Childline if she felt that it would help.

DH was very sorry this morning. He is very sheepish (as he should be) and gave her a proper apology first thing. He then got very upset when she had left for school and told me that he had never meant it, and it had just 'come out'. I have suggested that he goes and sees the doctor about how he's feeling. I will make sure he goes.

I haven't asked him to leave, because I think that he needs supporting at the minute, and I don't know where else he would get that from. I told DD that she could tell me that she didn't want to see him for a few days, and we could arrange for him to go and stay somewhere else, but she quite emphatically didn't want that.

trumpton, my DD is not 'utterly foul', thankyou very much.

Thanks again.

OP posts:

KatyS36 · 14/05/2010 21:14

you sound like you have handled an extremely difficult situation admirably

i really hope things work out for you

mama2moo · 14/05/2010 22:01

My Dad used to hit me when I was her age. I used to back chat and pushed him IYSWIM. Now I am a mum I can see why he did it but Im not excusing it.

I think you just need to get over this and move on. If he has apologised and she has accepted then just try to forget it.

TBH it has probably scared your DH more then you Dd and I doubt he will do it again (when my dad hit me it was 15 years ago so that hole no smacking thing wasnt so big)

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