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Parenting

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Original poster

DH hit DD2. Is there ever any excuse?

64 replies

Sarah111213 · 13/05/2010 22:36

I am so angry with him. He hit her because she hadn't cleaned the bathroom to his expectations, and when she asked for help, he said she was 'backchatting'.

She is 15.

OP posts:

Nemofish · 14/05/2010 22:02

FWIW, I think that you handled that very well, Sarah.

Best of luck to you and you family.

oliviacrumble · 14/05/2010 23:32

I second nemofish.

The very best of luck to you all.

coppertop · 15/05/2010 12:13

Well done, Sarah.

Elasticwoman · 15/05/2010 14:36

Sarah, I'm so sorry you have been through this.

There is no excuse for your dh's behaviour, even if she had been "utterly foul" which clearly she wasn't. Our teenage dds help with housework too and you have to realise they are not going to do it perfectly. The fact that your dd did it at all is commendable.

I have flicked through thread but not sure if this is a "first offence" on your dh's part. If so, and he has apologised, I think Colditz's recommendation of kicking him out is a step too far. But I can see where you're coming from, Colditz.

You and he have to talk about agreed sanctions. Our teenage dds are punished in a number of ingenious ways by their ever-loving parents! In my case, as I give them busfares to and from school, that money can be docked for bad behaviour. In dh's case he has been known to remove cd players or other electronic gadgets from their bedrooms until such time as they have done things like go on a long walk with him, write an essay on a given topic (yes really!). There are plenty of ways you can persuade teenagers to toe the line without walloping them.

We also have carrots as well as sticks of course.

Original poster

Sarah111213 · 16/05/2010 11:52

Thanks for everyone's advice. I know it's silly, but I've felt really supported by all of you, and I think it's given me courage to try and deal with it properly, instead of just sweeping it under the rug.

DD2 and DH are going out for dinner tonight - DD2 has said that she's happy to be alone with him, and I'm dropping off and picking up, so they won't ever be alone together (not that I'm worried he's going to do it again - he was too shaken and disgusted with himself about it - but I don't want DD2 to be frightened).

Elasticwoman - We do have usual sanctions which we put in place, much like the ones you describe, but I think they all just went out of DH's head on Thursday night. I think we need to have a look at them again and discuss which one he is to implement where, though.

Thankyou again!

OP posts:

Haggisfish · 16/05/2010 16:19

Although it was terrible, I do thnik you have handled it al very well. I would maybe just be wary of now making it into a massive issue (for example, not letting them be alone together). if your daughter feels ok, then I would let that guide you, rather than constantly hovering 'helicopter style'!.

It does sound like it was very out of character, that your OH has a lot on and that he just snapped. Hopefully he can get some help to cope with the hard time he's having and it will just fade into a one off incident that happened many years ago.

mumtotwoboys · 16/05/2010 16:28

people can easily say this is shocking, but it happens plenty. Teenagers can be very stressful to deal with.
Obviously he should not have done this, he's let himself down by losing control.
I would say spanking at that age is a no go, she's a young adult now and can be reasoned with verbally so I don't think theres an excuse. He needs to admit he was wrong and explain his frustration and punish her appropriately.

nannyl · 16/05/2010 19:23

OMG how awful for you

my vile step dad assualted me... (i had 7 bruises as a result of his attack and my mum had to remove his hands from my neck as he was strangling me )

I was 27 years old... and i went to the police and he has been charged etc and will always have it on his record etc.

i would suggest that your daughter goes to the police too... they will take it seriously and it might gibe your (D?)H a chance to see how completley unacceptable his behaviour is.

Oh and my mum was "ok" with it because he was sorry, and all my family suggest i forgive and forget.... umm no i have never spoken to that violent man since.

I am shocked that i didnt have full support from my family (though i did have support from most of them)

I suggest you fully support your daughter and take her to police station!

Original poster

Sarah111213 · 16/05/2010 22:30

Hmmm. . .I do think taking her to the police station is a little strong at this point, nannyl, but I am sorry you had such a tough time, and I understand the sentiment behind what you're saying. Believe me, if it happens again, my response will be very different.

Haggisfish and mumtotwoboys - Thanks for your answers - Haggis - I'm trying not to helicopter, but I just don't want her to feel unsafe with him. They had lots of fun tonight, so I think that I'll leave them alone.

OP posts:

nannyl · 16/05/2010 23:09

but what about if he does it again? Will you go the police then?

ok it might never happen.... but it might... and next time she might be more hurt...

i felt i had to go to the police.... the second time they treat it FAR more seriously and i wanted to make sure that the second incident wasnt as far as police concerned the first...

step dad also told me (when i was 16) that he wanted to give me a good beating and i told him matter of fact to his face that if he ever laid a finger on me id go to the police...and he did.... so i did...

perhaps you cold make ot clear to your DH that he has no more chances, and make sure he doesnt?

Original poster

Sarah111213 · 16/05/2010 23:12

Yes, if he does it again, I will seriously consider getting the police involved.

I trust him enough to say that it won't, but I will never say never, and have obviously thought about it. I don't think I could stand by and watch DD2 suffer - her health and wellbeing comes before his happiness in that case.

I don't think I need to make it clear that DH has no more chances, because I don't think I've given him another chance as such - more than I know he was pretty desperate for whatever reason, and used mistaken judgement.

DD2, however, knows that I will always be on her side if she is hurt by anyone, in any way.

You sound very brave for standing up to your stepdad, though.

OP posts:

nannyl · 16/05/2010 23:17

well done you

at least your daughter knows you are on her side

sunnydelight · 17/05/2010 05:46

It sounds like you have dealt very well with a difficult situation. Of course it was totally unacceptable for your DH to hit your DD, but as I'm sure you're aware getting the police involved may tear your family apart. If Social Services get involved you could well end up in a situation where your DH has to leave the family home or your DD will end up in care. You need to work out what is best for YOUR family in YOUR situation.

Jane054848 · 17/05/2010 15:15

I agree with the people who say you've handled it very well. You've been really strong and stuck up for your daughter, I bet she feels very supported and that must make her feel safe.

It is VG that you have made your DH go to the doctor because it sounds as though he is on the edge and badly needs some counselling to cope with his stress/anger/depression. He must be VERY stressed to have reacted in this way for the first time. (I'm not making excuses for him BTW - I just think that looking for an explanation will help find a solution).

I also agree it's a good idea to ask your daughter what she wants to do - I doubt if she wants to go to the police or social services but if she does, she should.

Best of luck and well done.

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