At what age do you stop controlling...

[emkana]

... what they eat
....when they eat
...what time they go to bed
...how much time they spent on the computer/DS/watching TV etc etc

My dd1 is nearly nine and I still "control" all of those things and more (what time she practises violin/ reads/ blabla). She asks what to do next, but I should really let her make her own decisions more shouldn't I?

I think it's reasonable to control the first lot of things you've mentioned for a nine yr old actually. As long as there is a bit of 'give' in the control. But she probably should be given more responsibility for the other things, yes. Benign neglect is a good thing

.... re: what they eat: Never - My mum still questions what I eat and I'm 32.... as in 'are you really going to eat that?'

....re: when they eat: Never, also - When we stay with her, supper is at about 9:30/10 every night and it drives me frickin' insane and NO you are not allowed to snack beforehand!

....re: what time they go to bed: Actually never remember my mum caring a jot about this one, and, in fact, have lots of really nice memories of her coming into my room 'for a chat' at what was probably some insanely late hour (see earlier comment on mealtimes) throughout my childhood

....re: TV, etc: Never cared about this one either - but then again, we were never really into TV, etc, as a family, and still aren't really.

For the DCs - I will probably care about the food thing much longer (till early adolescence? till they roll their eyes at me? who can say?) Bed times are similarly strict here, and we're a no-TV household, so hasn't arisen yet!

DS is 10. I control what he eats in that I try to make it a balanced diet, but at weekends/school hols, if he makes himself a sandwich he chooses. Obv, if we eat together (most days) we all have the same meal. I don't make him at anything he doesn't like.

When he eats, because meal times are meal times (altho he is allowed snacks sometimes)

Bedtimes: definately controlled by us, because he still doesn't know when he is too tired.

TV/Computer/Wii time, again controlled by us. If we didn't he would honestly spend all day in front of the screen (I know, cos occasionally I let go a bit, to see what he'll do), and then be really unco-operative & nasty tempered.

He does decide his own clothes on non-school days, He decides whether to come to the supermarket with me. I give him free rein over when homework / guitar practice are done, altho within that I say "if it hasn't been done by x time, I will insist it is done then".

I can see bedtimes etc being controlled by me util 13/14 at least.

If she doesn't mind being told what to do, you're the luckiest mum in the world! Really tempting to just keep "controlling". But who's going to be "controlling" her when she's older and her peers are a bigger influence on her than you.

I put food on the table and the kids take what they want (I can't force them to eat everything because I'm a veggie and so I don't eat everything myself). I often ask them what they want to eat, saves me having to think about it and then at least I know it's going to go down easily. If they don't eat their dinner, I keep it in case they want it before bedtime.

TV is really limited (actually TV doesn't work just the DVD player) so it's just a short DVD at bedtime.

Bedtime: controlled by us, but failing miserably.

I used to be a control-freak but it was a constant battle so I decided to take a different approach. You have to support them in their choices though, otherwise it backfires - as it did with me: they want your approval and so can't decide what to choose in case it's the "wrong" choice, for example what to wear. It can make them really indecisive.

BTW, my kids are only 2 & 4 and I couldn't control them, so I decided to change tack. Maybe you have better management skills than me... And it's a fine line between giving them choices and them controlling you... I definitely slip the other side sometimes.

I don't regard myself as particularly controlling, in fact dh and I are really pretty laid back parents. Our children are 9 and 10, and whilst they have some input into shopping and meals it is our decision as to what gets bought and prepared, and when meals get served. The children can ask for snacks, but they don't help themselves (except at other people's houses we are told!). They have a set bedtime, but at 9pm it's fairly late. At weekends we are a little more flexible, but we give the extensions (this depends on the circumstances, so it might be 10pm if it's a Saturday night and they have friends over). dh also sets their reading and homework times, and they have check in times when visiting friends (either to be back home or call us).

Re the TV that's more of a negotiated thing, as there is a fair amount of competition, but the ds is a fairly free choice, except when I feel that too much sitting around has happened and try to round them up for some fresh air.

I don't expect any of this to change for several years, and it seems in line with most of their friends and considering older siblings, with rules for older children too.

There, you may find that the balance works better when your two are a little older - between about six to eight are particularly good years I think.

I have 4 DC and they all have set bedtimes. My eldest DD is 10 and school days its bedtime at 8/8.30. I totally control what they all eat but in that control there is some choice e.g what they want in their sandwiches and if I'm not sure what to do for dinner I often take it to the vote. I'm lucky in that none of my children question anything I say (yet!). I think that's due to having set boundaries from a very young age and now they all follow the routine and it works well. As to how much TV/computer time they get it can be flexible depending if its the weekend, if homework is done and if we're going out. I know that I'm going to have to loosen my reins soon with the eldest but not sure how I'm going to do that!!!