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Parenting

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Original poster

What happens if you are too ill to look after your children?

72 replies

CoffeeMum · 01/04/2010 20:39

I don't mean if you get something major and serious , but what happens if you are due to look after your DC and you are too ill to do so? Obviously, you can usually soldier on with headache, bad stomach, hangover, stinking cold...but what if you get laid up with the flu? Would you expect your partner to call in sick and take over?

We are facing this dilemma, as DH is in a very demanding job where it is very hard for him to take off [though i appreciate this is the case in most jobs, really, these days]. We have no family we can call on.

What do you all do? I apologise now as i'm going to post and run due to the aforementioned illness , i need to go to bed, but i promise to come back tomorrow.

Thank you

OP posts:

morethanyoubargainfor · 01/04/2010 20:41

just get on with it, i had my ankle in plaster for 8 weeks whilst looking after ds also done it post op you just find a way. DH has NEVER taken time of sick, even went to work 12 hours after i gace birth and i had a c section!

TheCrackFox · 01/04/2010 20:45

Well in an ideal world we would all live next to a lovely and supporting extended family. Most of us, however, don't.

When I have been sick DH has always gone to work. He is a chef and works 5 days a week 9am - midnight. I have had no choice but to get on with it, whether flu, tonsillitis so bad it needed 3 rounds of antibiotics, ear infection that made me dizzy and fall over etc....

It is crap but not an unusual situation.

Sorry and I hope you feel better soon. x

BakewellTarts · 01/04/2010 20:46

My DH would take time off...admittedly his work value him and are flexible but we are both parents to our DDs and share responsibility. If it was the other way round I'd take time off too...

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Rockbird · 01/04/2010 20:47

Same here. If I was too ill to look after DD then DH would take time off or make some arrangements for her if he couldn't.

MrsGravy · 01/04/2010 20:49

DH takes time off. If I'm physically incapable of looking after the kids then there's nothing else he can do - demanding job or not.

Luckily it's not a situation that arises often - I can only think of one time in the 5 years since we've had children. I had a tummy bug and couldn't possibly have looked after our then 2 yo DD with my head permanently stuck down the loo!!

Rockbird · 01/04/2010 20:50

morethanyoubargainfor, I'd give DH short shrift if he did that to me tbh.

norksinmywaistband · 01/04/2010 20:50

Just get on with it, no family locally I could call on - although I know friens would be good helping out with school runs, shopping essentials etc if needed.
Lone parent so no option here either.

Mums are just not allowed to be ill - isn't it in a handbook somewhere?

GypsyMoth · 01/04/2010 20:51

I'm a lone parent with 5 dc and no family around

you just get on with it........ And the dc have to understand!

Lilyloo · 01/04/2010 20:51

I recently took ill and did have to ask dp to take the following day off work (Friday) he had to use days holiday.
He then took the dc's to family (an hour away Friday night and Saturday) I had taken a turn for the worse though and was emergency hospitalised on the Sunday.
Luckily dp mum came to stay and we have great neighbours who helped out so dp could go back to work whilst i was in hospital.
However on my day of return with instructions of bed rest i was back into doing school run and looking after dd2 2.
Put a lot of strain on me and dp as i was still ill when i came out of hospital and it was very hard for me.
But his work weren't helpful either.

I guess you just have to soldier on

spybear · 01/04/2010 20:51

If DH was really poorly, would he take time off? If he would then I would expect him to take time off for me if I was poorly, if you have very small DC, that you need to watch all the time then if you are poorly you need the time off.

Don't be a martyr(sp)

nickytwotimes · 01/04/2010 20:52

I am one of the lucky ones with support on hand.

If I had something severe, I guess dh would take time off, but only if I literally couldn't move and it would therefore be dangerous for us to be left alone.

A lot depends on the kid/kids and their ages and level of responsibility. For example, now ds is 3.8 he can do a lot for himself while I lie down. When he was 18 mths till about 3 though, it would've been unsafe if I was very ill, ie proper flu.

Hope you feel better soon. Looking after others when you feel awful is the pits.

IHaveABlueCar · 01/04/2010 20:52

My dh has taken time off when I've been really ill though we often ask our childminder-friend to take one of the dc's for the day so he can still get some work done.

I must admit I find it one of the oddest things about being a sahm as my dh has to determine that I am actually ill enough for him to stay home. No chance of pulling a sickie

MarthaFarquhar · 01/04/2010 20:53

I had the flu this winter, and it was worst on one of my non-work days.
I felt a bit pathetic, but I had to call DH home from work early (about 2pm).

He works late into the evening an awful lot, so I think that a (very rare) early finish is not a lot to ask for.

Shaz10 · 01/04/2010 20:53

My husband took time off work to look after our son when I was in hospital.

Fel1x · 01/04/2010 20:53

I sort of muddle through in this situation. DH works still but leaves earlier and does more in the time he is at home to make the day run better when he is at work.. ie he can make packed lunches for next day, pre cook dinner, do the washing, tidy up etc so you can just rest and let kids watch tv while he is at work.
A while back I had a 4 day migraine with vomiting and I literally could not look after the children then. DH took one day off work as an emergency and during that day called in favours from neighbours, friends etc to help out when he went back to work.
If you really feel you cant manage then if you ask people for help, they will help. Most people would help out someone in need, even if they dont know you that well or are fairly new friends. You would if it was the other way round wouldnt you?
Hope you feel better soon x

Hulababy · 01/04/2010 20:54

I have always just gone on with it as much as I possible can. DH has never taken time off, it just isn't always practical. Maybe I have been lucky and always been able to just about cope.

Mind - can't remember being very ill when DD was tiny, which may well have been different. I have only really had proper flu once in my life and that was pre children. With dodgy tumms or D&V I just coped as best as possible.

DD is at school now so she is out of the house most of the time, and we can get DH to collect her after afterschool club, or friends help out, if I am too ill to get out.

This was the case for me in Jan/Feb - had pretty bad case of pneumonia, including being hospitalised. Friends stepped in and helped out as I couldn't drive and get DD from school. Then DD was able to just get on with stuff when she was home with me.

Undercovamutha · 01/04/2010 20:55

I once had flu (proper flu - for the first and only time in my life) - it was HORRENDOUS! I couldn't get out of bed, felt achy, couldn't stand bright lights. My DH was on a course so couldn't take time off, and my DD was 7mo at the time. She basically spent 3 days in her activity centre leapfrog thing or in bed with me, and I just about managed to change her nappy now and again and give her lunch. It was awful but I managed it, and she was good as gold. She must have sensed that I was hanging on by a thread.

DH has taken one or two days off since then when I have been really ill/sick. However, mostly when I am ill, DH and the DCs are also ill (sickness bugs mostly), so we are all in an equally bad state.

It wouldn't occur to me to ask my parents to come and look after the DCs if I had something like a sickness bug/flu as they don't live near and would have to come and stay with us, so would probably end up ill too!

Rockbird · 01/04/2010 21:00

Funny isn't it. We think we've progressed and actually, here we are still making martyrs of ourselves. If you have a DH or a DP and they are the father of your child and they live with you, why on earth would you not expect them to look after their child when you are unable to? I assume that none of your men are brain surgeons and, also assuming they are not self employed, then they are entitled to compassionate leave. You would seriously get in a neighbour that you'd barely said hello to? Very odd.

BakewellTarts · 01/04/2010 21:03

BTW hope you are feeling much better when you catch up with this thread.

Rockbird · 01/04/2010 21:04

Goodness yes, sorry . Get well soon!

Spidermama · 01/04/2010 21:04

I soldiered on with pneumonia while DH went away to work abroad. I remember it was a very hard time. I didn;t really have many friends as I had recently moved to a new city and anyway most people I'd met had their own children to deal with.

I'm very bad at asking for help. I really hate doing it. But that;s silly. You HAVE to have a support network around you for times like this.

I remember lying on the sofa in a pool of my own greasy sweat going in and out of conciousness. I opened my eyes and saw DS2 (who would have been just 6 or 7 at the time) leaning over me saying nervously "Are you OK mum?"

It was really bad. I have four children and one of them was still a BFing baby at the time. In the end and old friend called to say could he visit. I warned him I was ill but he said he'd come anyway. My instant thought was 'OMG I must clean the kitchen floor before he comes' so I tried but at that point my body just gave up. I was sick all over the kitchen floor and I was just brought to my knees by it. NOT recommended.

Anyway my friend got me in hospital. I lost two stone in weight and it took months to recover.

All I'm saying is, you have to look after yourself when you are ill in order to get better. It sounds obvious, but it's true. It means you may have to get someone to look after your kids for a bit.

Get well soon. I hope you sort this out because I know how incredibly isolating it is.

Lilyloo · 01/04/2010 21:16

Rockbird i agree , really opened my eyes as to how the parenting of our dc's has dramatically changed since i became a sahm.
As it was an unexpected hospitalisation dp did not cope at all. I was lucky that mil came to stay and that i am v good friends with a few neighbours.
Caused a few arguments afterwards though with dp as i agree wholeheartedly with what you say.
However i do think a compassionate work place would help.

RedFraggle · 01/04/2010 21:27

DH works in hospital theatres so can't always take time off. If I'm really ill then he tries his best, but if he can't and my parents are not available then I have to get on with it.

This is for things like vomiting bugs and severe flu. If I can get out of bed then I'm able to cope.

morethanyoubargainfor · 01/04/2010 21:30

Rockbird, i have given up getting upset with him, it is a case of give and take, i give he takes . I can honestly say though i am the happiest sometimes that i have ever been. He would only drive me insane if he were here anyway as he would go on and on about being self employed and getting no money BLAHBLAHBLAH.

Atleast we have had ONE hoilday in 10 years together where he didn't take work calls or switch on his computer , for that i am very grateful.

Whelk · 01/04/2010 21:44

Rockbird - I couldn't agree with you more!

FFs its a question of priorities. Is a work meeting/task/whatever really more important than looking after his own children when their mum is too sick to.

And as for all of this ' you just get on with it' business. I think some of us martyrs bring it on ourselves!

PS - I have done it myself but when I nearly fainted on the stairs while carrying my 6 mo baby I had a moment of clarity!

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