What happens if you are too ill to look after your children?

[CoffeeMum]

I don't mean if you get something major and serious , but what happens if you are due to look after your DC and you are too ill to do so? Obviously, you can usually soldier on with headache, bad stomach, hangover, stinking cold...but what if you get laid up with the flu? Would you expect your partner to call in sick and take over?

We are facing this dilemma, as DH is in a very demanding job where it is very hard for him to take off [though i appreciate this is the case in most jobs, really, these days]. We have no family we can call on.

What do you all do? I apologise now as i'm going to post and run due to the aforementioned illness , i need to go to bed, but i promise to come back tomorrow.

Thank you

Well hey, maybe I don't know what I'm talking about after all. Decided to run this by dh just to see what his thoughts were. Apparently he's happy to take time off to cover short term illness but anything serious requiring long term care and he's off. I made a rather crass joke about hoping I don't get cancer then but he was deadly serious. He wouldn't want to be a carer or look after dd in those circumstances, he needs his freedom too much so it'd be bye bye DH. So you learn something new every day.

interestingly that was my experience , taking the day off , yes, taking dc's to pil for weekend ok , doing school run (whilst i in hospital) etc etc uuhm bit out of comfort zone, i come home all back to normal then need him to take the reigns again as my sis goes into labour (i birth partner) he collapses completely.

we do just get on with it - it's because we're really a lot stronger than men but keep it secret from them

DH would take time off.
Having gone through 5 mcs on my own in hospital because we had no one to look after our ds, he kinda tries to make up for the guilt of this and would always make himself available.
Luckily i am NEVER ill.

I recently had that really bad tummy bug that knocks you for 6. DH was 200 miles away. DM and DD1 both away on holiday. I know nobody at all in this area as we've recently moved, except the people at work (who were obviously at work). Nursery is 10 miles away so I couldn't get 2 yo DD there.

What a wonderful day that was

Dh would try to get annual leave or swap shifts.

It's one of the (few) situations where him & I earning similar amounts of money helps I think. Neither of us can suggest what we do is more important or crucial than the other.

Having said that, he does definitely benefit from the fact that our childcare is built around my working pattern. So if dh is sick then there's always someone else to look after ds. Either the nursery or me.

Maybe that's one of the reasons that partner's can dodge that particular bullet.

But I do get that it's a completely different ballgame for lone parents/self employed/people with inflexible employers.

Hmmmm Rockbird! Running through my memory bank actually my dh hasn't been Florence Nightingale either! i remember holding my 5month old in one hand and 2 year old in the other (both screamed if put them down) while we all hurled in various directions in the bathroom. Only my vom made the toilet bowl!

I have to generally get on with it - DH was threatened with the sack after he took alot of days off when I had problems with my 20 week scan (no one else to look after the DSs and they got asked to leave the first scan ) and another night was refused permission to go home when I had a raging ear infection, was throwing up everywhere, was in so much pain I didn't know if I was coming or going It's not always the DHs choice - it's bloody hard IMO to take time off work and not be penalised

we are fortunate that DH's manager has children and a working wife so is understanding about these things - so if I am very unwell (has happened probably on about 2 or 3 days in 6 years, say with bad migraine/stomach bug) then DH can take the time off.

DH has taken time off twice in 2 years I think - once both me and DD had a vomiting bug, the second time I was having a particularly bad day with 2nd pregnancy and had my head down the loo all day!

In fact, when I was bad with M/S a couple of times he either went in late so at least I had a lie-in, or worked from home so that at least he could do DD's breakfast, lunch and tea and I kept her occupied with CBeebies in between.

When I was working we would take it in turns to have days off when DD was ill from nursery so it's only fair he does his share when LO or you are ill. Most bosses are more understanding than you'd think! Even if he has to take it as annual leave.

As someone said, don't be a martyr! If you do get stuck on your own, get DH to make sandwiches for your lunch, stick CBeebies on and lie on the sofa. Oh, and give DC a double dose of calpol at naptime...

DH once drove back 4 hours to take over with the children from his job which was very lovely of him, unfortunately by the time he'd got back the paracetamol had kicked in and I felt much better.

DH, bless him, usually soldiers on through dreadful migraines, the flu, etc. The limit came recently when he had a middle ear infection and couldn't move from his bed without needing to throw up. I took a couple of days of work then. I don't think I could be as stoical as DH generally is. In fact I will sometimes go into work when feeling really really crap (when in the past I might have taken the day off) because being at home is much harder work!

when i have a migraine i go literally blind. DH would have to take the day off work.

if DH was abroad or something and i couldn't get hold of my parents or his i'd have to call the police or an ambulance to come and get us all as i literally cannot see and also cannot stand up as my balance goes - i have been known to have to crawl to the phone blind and spend almost an hour trying to dial by touch.

I work part-time round school and nursery runs. DH never has to care for the children on his own on a normal day and so consequently if he is ever ill (rare as he doesn't come into contact with a lot of people at work, unlike me who sees 100s every week), either the kids are at school or nursery or I am there at home with them. He can take a day off work sick and recover in bed safe in the knowledge that the kids are being looked after by me.

I would expect him to try his utmost to do the same if it were the other way round to enable ME to recover. He has taken annual leave in the past if I am too ill to leave the bed, but usually I am lucky and my mum can help withh school pickups/meal preparations etc. I don't understand all this "struggling on" business where there are 2 parents around. I can appreciate that with lone parents/no extended family it is so hard and really you deserve a medal to manage when you are ill.

Having said all that, DH goes into a mood if I am ill. It's like I've "failed" the family or something. He does take time off/finish early if needed, but he DOES begrudge it. Charming.....

My dh is freelance so taking a day off for him means £300-£600 less in our bank account that week and a slight souring of relationships with whoever is employing him that day. Therefore he has only taken two days off to look after me or sick children in the past 9 years. 1 of those days was when baby ds was in hospital.

In November dd and I had the family stomach bug at the same time and I just lay on the sofabed with her in front of the tv all day. A friend brought ds home from school. I gave him toast for dinner. That was the best I could do.

My DH works away during the week and I've had one case of sickness (flu) that was bad enough to wish he could come home. I took over the counter meds and loafed on the sofa as much as poss all day, and then at night I just lay on the bed from 7.00pm and DD ran around upstairs amusing herself until she fell asleep. One night she tried on the entire contents of the washing basket (actually that was quite funny!).

My parents do live fairly close, but one of them has a low immune system so I can't go near them when sick.

I should point out that I was really ill for a long period of time a few years ago (pre child) and DH was great - did all the shopping, that kinda thing. He didn't work away then, though!

With small children I suppose if you are just about up to changing a nappy, turning Cbeebies on and heating up some beans, you just have to muddle on with whatever minimal parenting you can manage.

If you can't do those things, then your partner has to take over. Doesn't matter what his job is, brain surgeons included, if you can't look after your children then he needs to take time off work.

Thanks everyone for your replies, it's always really interesting to hear the range of experiences people have.

Feeling a bit better now, thank goodness, and thankfully DH is now off for two days, and another day on Easter Monday.

I should have said - i'm genuinely not talking about illnesses you can soldier through - i really can do that, and have. I'm talking about being so ill that you actually don't feel safe looking after your children - eg. not being able to carry baby, or physically get up off sofa if toddler is doing something hair-raising and about to injure self.

I have two children under two, so they are both with me all day - it's not even a case of just about managing the school run and coming home to bed. It's about being hands on, for up to 13-14 hours. I suppose there is naptime, and you can use DVDs/TV to a certain point, and do very basic meals.

DH is certainly not unwilling to help, and did manage to take 1.5 days, but it is just so hard for some people to take time off - he had to have a meeting with his senior boss to explain why he was off, so really felt he couldn't be off again unless it was absolutely unavoidable.

I tend to agree that you should do the very best you can [and i suppose that as a SAHM, you do feel that DH has to keep work sweet as he is the sole breadwinner for all of you], but yes, at the end of the day, if there is literally no choice, no family to call on, what else can you do?

I must say i am impressed at what some of you have contended with while ill - respect to you! And though i am a little shocked at the person who had to deal with DH going back to work so soon after her CS, i do admire her for being able to deal with it. It does seem a bit harsh if you can't even get 48 hours paternity leave? But i suppose some people are self employed etc, and simply have no choice.

Thanks everyone, good to get context as ever. Seems that mums have to basically work til they drop? Nice to be needed and all that, but really... yes, is this what it's come to?

I've generally been fortunate enough to have my mum able to come & help if very ill, she lives hours away but can come if needed. Think 4 most folk with no family able to help it would be good idea to get to know childminders in area? or nursery staff, I know of one friend who had D&V and called one of nursery staff who does occasional babysitting to come & help

Glad you're feeling better.

Its a nightmare situation though.

My DH just can't take time off easily - he has his own business and some times are just too critical. Of course he could just not go to work but there would be ramifications for us financially short and long term and for others too.

So it is a case of soldiering on or calling on in laws to come and stay which is what happened when I had dc2 and dc3.

My DH is a complete workaholic and really hates taking unplanned time off, so most of the time I struggle on but I have had Flu before were I just couldn't care for 2 very small children and he did care for them for almost a week without even a moan.
If your passing out, physically very week even very sleepy to the point were you can't force yourself to stay awake you become dangerous to your children, we can all pull out our martyr badges and don on our pious as thou masks but IMO your putting your children in danger and your DH is also failing in his duties as a husband and father to care for his family.

For those whose DH/Ps "can't" take time off. I am a bit skeptical about this. Working women have to take time off if their children are sick or if their CM/nanny is sick or if their nursery shuts due to illness. This is often difficult, awkward and embarrassing. But you just have to do it.

Why should it be any different if a father's childcarer (i.e a SAHM) is too ill to work?

Obviously we all soldier on when we can, but as people have said their are times when that is just not possible or safe.

It really troubles me that men still only feel that they are responsible for the financial side of things.

I'm lucky in that both DP and I can work from home much of the time, so recently with the snow and ds's nursery being closed we took it in turns to look after him/work and then caught up on work in the evening. We did each take a couple half days off recently though, but still have to catch up on work at some point. Can't always do that though. Some days nursery could have ds for an extra session but on Wednesdays they're full.

My parents are now willing and able to help but often out of the country or away. Unemployed friends have been great at playing with ds while I slump in the sofa. But have still had a couple days of just letting ds wreak havoc upstairs while I lay in bed, or watching hours of cbeebies. If I get another dc I hope my parents will be around more.

Most people are more than happy to look after friend's dc in these circumstances, especially if they know that the favour could be returned if needed.

The other option is telly and very convenient food (even if just cereal or toast) a couple of days is not going to hurt them.

By Rockbird Thu 01-Apr-10 21:50:22
Well hey, maybe I don't know what I'm talking about after all. Decided to run this by dh just to see what his thoughts were. Apparently he's happy to take time off to cover short term illness but anything serious requiring long term care and he's off. I made a rather crass joke about hoping I don't get cancer then but he was deadly serious. He wouldn't want to be a carer or look after dd in those circumstances, he needs his freedom too much so it'd be bye bye DH. So you learn something new every day.

Bloody hell Rockbird. I hope you reminded him of the in sickness and in health bit of your wedding vows. Did you ask him how he'd feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

Actually, if my DH said that I think I'd have to do some serious thinking about our relationship. Right now I'm in a bad place going through treatment for breast cancer and I couldn't have done it without the incredible help and support of my DH. Luckily his work has been sympthetic, but he's not taken all the time off and we've had to employ help, but I appreciate that's not an option for everyone.

For anyone facing longer term sick support or needing a week or so to recover from surgery working partners can apply for parental leave. There are qualifying factors but it's pretty much BS that people will be sacked for taking time off in these circs.