What happens if you are too ill to look after your children?

[CoffeeMum]

I don't mean if you get something major and serious , but what happens if you are due to look after your DC and you are too ill to do so? Obviously, you can usually soldier on with headache, bad stomach, hangover, stinking cold...but what if you get laid up with the flu? Would you expect your partner to call in sick and take over?

We are facing this dilemma, as DH is in a very demanding job where it is very hard for him to take off [though i appreciate this is the case in most jobs, really, these days]. We have no family we can call on.

What do you all do? I apologise now as i'm going to post and run due to the aforementioned illness , i need to go to bed, but i promise to come back tomorrow.

Thank you

Namechanger - i completely see where you're coming from. I really do think it's terrible that it's hard to get time off from work, even when it's an emergency. I blame the workaholic, corporate culture in this country - i think we have our priorities all wrong, but that's my pet rant, don't get me started!

When i worked outside the home, i had just as hard a time getting time off if the DC was ill as my DH does now - harder actually, as my boss was very, very difficult. That's why we took the decision to tighten our belts massively so that one of us could be at home with the kids all the time - and take away the issue of 'who stays at home if one of them is sick'. For us, in our situation, it makes sense to split the labour that way - but as a result, DH does have to really devote himself to work as the sole breadwinner. He can't really afford to take the time off unless he really, really has to - not financially, but in his attitude and dedication to his job.

Yes, he's gone into work when he's been ill - the time off he took when i was ill was the first he's taken off in over two years, but even the shortest absence doesn't go down at all well in the workplace these days it seems

Remember those Lemsip ads which basically worked with the message 'take the Lemsip and get back to work, before someone nicks your job while you're off sick'. Sums it up i think. Not right, but deeply ingrained in our culture i think, and worse if you're a conscientious person

Pennies, so sorry to hear about your situation and i wish you all the best for a full and speedy recovery. I'm glad you've been able to find a situation that works for your family and that your DH has been supportive. I do really believe that if the sh*t hit the fan like that for us, DH would step up 100%. If it's your life on the line, then frankly, work ceases to matter.

Rockbird, i too was a bit sad to read your post, i must admit. I think i would be doing some thinking too. I know that every couple and every family has a different set of circumstances and that was is right for one, is wrong for another - but you like to think that of all people, your spouse would be there for you if everything got very tough. I wish you well too

And thanks everyone for your replies, lots of food for thought

The Lemsip ads really annoy me - I don't take time off work unless I am prostrated,but I've never had flu where the symptoms are reduced enough by lemsip etc to make me well enough to go to work - that's how you know you have flu and not just a really bad cold....
Soldiering on is all very well,but while the people I work with,and clients,are not going to be happy if I'm not there,they aren't going to be happy if I make a mistake because I am actually too ill to function properly either,are they?

We are lucky in that we both have fairly understanding employers,but we would both have stayed home if the other was too ill to safely care for the children.(Our DC's are older now so it isn't an issue)

I find the martyr 'women just have to get on with it' attitude so difficult to accept. I have had some truly awful days, feeling too ill and caring for a baby and a toddler. I have felt unable to ask for the help I need, pressured by the expectation that I should just get on with it.

Yet the men can go to their bed and take time off work and nobody seems to question that. IMO women make this situation worse by playing to these misogynist rules. It seems men's work is more important and their illnesses more severe

Well I don't want to just bloody get on with it. When I am ill, I need to rest as this is a basic human need. I am not talking about a common cold but flus, gastroenteritis and pneumonias. If not looked after these illnesses can cause lasting damage and lets not forget mental well being as well. I feel I am entitled to ask for whatever help I need, whether from dh who takes time off or ILs/friends. I would do the same for those I love and respect. My children are not just my responsibility and I don't agree that grandparents stop being parents when GC come along. I would want to look after my daughter if she was ill and struggling with children - even if I risked catching a bug. I am still her mother and have a basic desire to look after her

I just don't understand society sometimes

Good for you, roseability.

I am very about the idea that men's paid work is more important than looking after their wives'/partners'/childrens' health.

The more men stick up to these kind of sexist and inflexible attitudes in the workplace, the more things will change for the better - for SAH and WOH parents alike.

Over the last 7 years since I had dd I've been in hospital with quinsy,had glandular fever, norovirus, salmonella, the flu, tonsilitis and various other bugs and things. Every time my mother has stepped in and looked after dd untill I felt better, even taking time off work for me. What I'd do without her I can't imagine as ex partner was useless and even left me alone with dd after I took morphine based pain killers from the doctor and felt like I was sinking and merging with the sofa! Yes I left him not long after! If my Mum wasn't around I would probably ask my neighbour if it was a dire emergency as she is a fantastic person and has kids of similar age. I also have friends I could ask although it would have to be an emergency for me to ask, not just the runs or something. I agree, Mum's are not allowed to be ill!

I had a really bad kidney infection last year. I was in bed for about a week in the middle of the summer holidays. I couldn't stand on my legs, high fever, hallucinating, being sick a lot... No way I could look after the 2 DC. DH works nights so he had to go to work and then look after them all day. It was so horrible and he grabbed a few hours here and there. Not ideal and could really have done with help from DH's family, but we managed. Looking back I probably should have been in hospital, not at home! At least when we had swine flu we all had it and we were all in bed for days!

Rockbird

CoffeeMum, glad you're better.

If dh had the flu, I would still expect him to look after the children, if it happened to be a day I went to work. Dh did take time off when I was actually delirious with pleurisy, but if it's a case of just not feeling well enough to go out to work, then we'd each expect the other to manage that around the children (television, story tapes, safety gates when they were little, just letting them get bored). Single parents manage.

I had pneumonia a couple of years ago and had to just get on with it, I don't have any family to help. I lay on the couch and the children had cbeebies on all day. I still had to cook for them etc. DH did come home from work a bit early each day and get them all up for me in the mornings though. The doctor talked about sending me into hospital but didn't because in her words "that would cause chaos in your house".

Just don't get sick that's the only answer.

Now that they are older, I'd soldier on, but when they were little and couldn't be left alone for 30 mins without doing the house and each other some damage then DH would take time off.

It would depend on the severity of the illness, but if it was a horredous bout of flu (true flu, not a bad cold) or stomach bug where you were barely able to stand, then I would not expect to work looking after the children, just as if I were working in my aid employment would I expect to show for work.

You can't make sweeping generalisations like "single parents manage". It depends on the individual circumstances, their back-up arrangements etc.

"assuming they are not self employed, then they are entitled to compassionate leave"

fair point, but this leave is unpaid. So I guess it comes down to the couple to decide whether DH's pay is important enough for DW to soldier on or not?

Compassionate leave is not always unpaid - it depends on your employer. You may also have carers leave and parental leave that could be used, again depending on your employer.

As dh and I each worked part time, I was in no danger of getting caught up in the men -women= different expectations trap. To us it wasn't just a case of money, but also about how much havoc our absence would cause at work (dh works for small firm which has repeatedly been under threat of closure; I am the only teacher of my subject at my workplace, so students would really struggle if my classes didn't happen).

Also, you can't really compare it to going to work: in my workplace, I could never get away with sticking students, or clients, in front of Tellytubbies, but you can actually do that for a day or two with children. Childcare is far more flexible than most jobs.

I do compare looking after children to a job - in fact, raising a child is more important than any job in my book. Now, if you have children who would happily sit in front of CBeebies ALL day long, then lucky you. Most young children and babies need a bit more looking after than that though.

This thread has been a real eye opener, really depressing reading.

rockbird your post was shocking I hope you are OK.

darcymum, that's me today.
I have pneumonia, doctor talked about admitting me and I said no way, there is no one to have DD.
She's 8 and can fend for herself if I'm here and also help out and run errands, plus my boss has just called in and will shop for me, or drive me to appointments when she's off, but unless life or death I'm staying at home.

Tis shite having hardly any help at times like this.

I'm taking 13 tablets a day atm, plus inhalers and painkillers, and trying to find out if I can get any money, as apparently I don't earn enough for even SSP.

I've been to ill to look after DS before, and DH's employers aren't the most understanding, so we've but DS into nursery for days at a time. Expensive, but at least he's being properly looked after.

They wouldn't do it happily, Maisie, but they'd have to put with things being less than ideal in an emergency- as we all do. As long as you are a good parent most of the time, I don't think it does children any harm that some days are just shit.

Looking after children is a very important job, but unlike many workplace jobs it is not a job that has to be done in the same way, or even to the same standards, every single day. It's very flexible.

As I said, if your child will spend an entire day in front of the TV, then great. I know mine would have got bored after about an hour or so, and would have made all sorts of demands and would have wanted my attention - certainly when they were very small. It would have been impossible for me to be very ill and still have looked after them from my sickbed, with them plonked happily in front of CBeebies for the 11 hours that DH is away at work. I agree that your day is more flexible when you're at home, but it certainly doesn't allow for me to take time off from looking after them and do nothing - which is why DH would take time off to cover my illness if absolutely necessary when the DCs were young.

Yes maisie that's true, my DD1 would now (well probably not all day but a few hours), but not when she was younger, about 1/2 hour and she was off looking for something to do.

If you are in a position where you are unable to function well enough to cover the basics for your children, ie keep them safe and feed them, then of course the OH needs to take some time off work.

My dh took a year off work to look after me and the children when I was ill. Luckily he runs the company so he has been able to go back ok and most of the customers are still there. It was a major sacrifice and I love him for it.

My dm is a governor at a local primary school and they have started a policy of asking their (mainly female) staff to share the care of sick dependants with their partners on an equal footing. I have no idea where they stand legally on this but they say they are sick of being taken advantage of as employers just because they are public sector.