Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Please come and talk to me about DS (9)

73 replies

3cats3dogs · 15/03/2010 14:51

I'm finding life with DS quite a struggle at times, and I don't know what to do.
Generally, he's fine, and gets on well with DD and DS2.
He sometimes has problems at school with boys playing roughly, and name calling, but he's not being bullied, he just seems to be very sensitive to normal playground behaviour, so one issue is that I worry myself sick as to how he is going to cope if he is ever bullied.
At home, he'll sometimes wake up in a mood, and will spend the whole day being rude, aggressive to his Dsis and DB, will lash out at me if I do something to "annoy" him (eg. not let him go to the shop for something, not let him play on the computer as he hasn't behaved well enough to deserve it) and DH and I just can't get through to him at all.
We have started reward charts which work really well for a week, then he decides there's no point to them, and stops trying.
We try talking calmly to him, and explaining why he can't behave like he sometimes does, and when he's calm, he really seems to understand what we're saying, but as soon as he's in a rage, he struggles to control himself, and will be extremely rude, laughs at dh and I if we try to sort things out.
DD really irritates him sometimes (I imagine this is normal!) but instead of just ignoring her, he will hit her and be really rude to her (the things that he is ultra sensitive about at school) and I cannot get through to him that it's not OK to behave like that.
I spoke to my SIL about it, she didn't really give me any advice, but said it sounds like we really need to get this sorted. If he lashes out at us all when he's 15/16, family life is going to be awful.
I should add that when he is on form, he is amazing - thoughtful, kind, generous, and absolute delight to be with.
When he's having a mood, he seems really miserable with himself, with us, school etc.

Sorry, this is really long , but please tell me where I'm going wrong .
I find DD and DS2 so easy in comparison. I love DS so much, but feel guilty that I don't understand his moods at all, and I don't seem to be able to help him.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
teaandcakeplease · 15/03/2010 20:23

.

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 15/03/2010 20:34

Sorry but name calling is bullying. It sounds to me as though his self esteem is really low so he's acting this way because he needs some support. Boys in particular don't have alot of self control at this age so he may find it difficult to stay calm once something sets him off. Do you give him a warning when it's time to come off the computer? Personally, I wouldn't ignore someone who was being horrid to me either so you can't expect him to do this to his sister. Have you spoken to the school and his teacher?

HOMEMADECHUTNEY · 16/03/2010 12:28

IME playground issues can have a huge effect on a child. He sounds like a sensitive little guy, and some kids just find all the rough stuff a bit harder to cope with than others. I would talk to the school about it to see if they can provide some support for him.
We are going through something similar ourselves and have also been recommended to try family therapy, mainly to help ds1 learn some coping skills etc.

Some kids just find it all a bit more difficult than others! We also have problems with fights between ds1 and dd, so I don't think your problems are in any way uncommon.

best of luck with it all.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
pinkstripes · 16/03/2010 12:36

no advice sorry but you have just described my 11yr old will watch this thread .

Original poster
3cats3dogs · 16/03/2010 12:59

He is getting support at school - the headteacher is being amazing, but the problem I'm really struggling with is at home. His Dsis is not horrible to him, she sometimes irritates him when he's in a mood (not by doing anything, just being in the wrong place at the wrong time) , and instead of just ignoring her, he lashes out and hurts her, and admits that he can't stop himself when he feels like this.

Has anyone had any experience of this, and how to stop him getting into a rage into the first place? Everyone who knows him can't believe that he does this, as he's usually so thoughtful.

OP posts:
pinkstripes · 16/03/2010 13:04

it does sound like he is taking out his anger on the ones he loves most iykwim , are you sure he is not getting bullied in school ? name calling is a form of bullying and this could be upsetting him more than you realise.

Original poster
3cats3dogs · 16/03/2010 13:40

As far as I know, the name calling is part of the playground banter, and done in a friendly way (ie, not directed at one person in particular in a malicious way). One boy has been pulled up about playing too roughly, but the other boys didn't have a problem with it, just DS, and it wasn't that rough, or the lunchtime supervisors would have put a stop to it.

I'm sure he's taking out his anger on us, and I haven't a clue how to get through to him enough for him to understand that it's not OK to do that. Or should I just put up with it, knowing that at school and with others, he's a little angel?

OP posts:
Original poster
3cats3dogs · 16/03/2010 13:40

Thanks for chatting to me about this btw

OP posts:
pinkstripes · 16/03/2010 13:53

its so hard isn't it , in my ds case he was very badly bullied for three years , it all stopped last November when his now class teacher (male) took charge of the situation prior to this my ds was beaten up & kicked in the head etc which led to migraine headaches & MRI scans it was an absolute nightmare , he took all his frustrations out on me mostly which i understood as it was the only release he had iykwim , didn't make life easy though .

Original poster
3cats3dogs · 16/03/2010 14:23

Now the bullying's stopped has he calmed down at home?
It sounds like he went through a really rough time

OP posts:
HOMEMADECHUTNEY · 16/03/2010 14:46

Hi, sorry, feel like I am butting in on things here! just wanted to say that have just arranged appt with family therapist for dh and I nxt wk, then she will be seeing my son on a regular basis. It is so damn hard, isn't it? I can tell 5 seconds from when my son walks in the door if he's been given a hard time in school that day. he's due home in 15 mins and already feel my chest tightening.

Here's hoping it went ok today (which is a pretty crap way to live your life, so hoping things can change...)

pinkstripes · 16/03/2010 15:35

not really tbh , my ds can be very argumentative with me especially , his best friend has just moved away & i am getting the backlash of that also , i never thought parenting would be this hard tbh , when he is in a good mood like on Sunday morning , he made me tea & toast (with dh's help) bought me flowers & a beautiful card , had a lovely morning then he went out to play & had an argument with his friend , came home in a terrible mood & screamed & shouted at me that he wishes he was never born & that he was going to commit suicide had me in tears , DH & i sat him down after he had calmed down & told him how much we love him & that suicide is a long term solution to a short term problem , ds said he only said it because he was angry but still worries me sick .
HOMEMADECHUTNEY - thats how i feel when i pick ds up from school,

Original poster
3cats3dogs · 16/03/2010 16:45

I know how you feel - DS has never said he wants to commit suicide - yet, but I can definitely imagine him saying it At the moment, his normal threat is moving to Australia as soon as he can!

He seems to come home, pick a fight, have a meltdown, and passes it off as something that's happened at school to take the blame away from him acting up.
Tonight, he came home fine, in a good mood, then asked if he could go to the shop. I said No, got no money today, but if he can be helpful until Friday, he can go then. Obviously, this makes me a terrible Mother.

I feel guilty constantly because I find the others so easy in comparison.

HOMEMADECHUTNEY, that's also exactly how I feel on the school run

OP posts:
HOMEMADECHUTNEY · 16/03/2010 17:00

Good to know am not on my own! My ds has also made the suicide threat, but talking to him (a lot) about it, feel it was just a way of expressing extreme emotions. Good evening so far, it's just the day to day unpredictability that is hard. Also feel guilty because my other 2 are so easy! Motherhood is damned hard, look at the other kids his age who seem to glide effortlessly through life!

Original poster
3cats3dogs · 16/03/2010 17:04

So, what do you think - is it just down to personalities, or is it something we've done?

I've always been one of those who claims it's all down to the parents Now I hope to God I'm wrong!

HMC - how old is yours?

OP posts:
pinkstripes · 16/03/2010 17:19

3cats3dogs & HMC i am so glad i found this thread as since my son said that on Sunday i have been crying every time i am alone , & like you both my DD is such an easy child in comparison . there is a 7yr age gap between my two dc's , & i will be the first to admit that ds is very spoilt as he is the pfb that DH & i thought we would never have (fertility problems) . i have no one in RL i can talk about ds with other than DH & i would feel guilty talking about ds to anyone who knows him iykwim .

Original poster
3cats3dogs · 16/03/2010 18:24

I find that if I talk to someone in RL, they just don't believe me, as they never see that side of him at all.

Pinkstripes, I'm so glad others joined this who are going through it too - nice to know it's not just me!

OP posts:
pinkstripes · 16/03/2010 18:43

lol sounds familiar 3cats ds is lovely in school & very mannerly & when he is in a good mood will even offer to help out around the house but when he has had a bad day in school or something he takes it out on me , he would never talk to DH the way he speaks to me , ( DH is not as much of a soft touch as i am ) i do worry though as to how i will cope with him as he gets older .

HOMEMADECHUTNEY · 16/03/2010 19:30

3cata3dogs my son will be 11 nxt wk. And, btw, it's def their personalities, imo! mine is a pfb also, and I sometimes feel that he takes up every bit of available space in my head, iykwim.

He's very sensitive, emotional, easily hurt, and i really wish he could be a bit tougher and not let every little thing get to him. I also find dh and I can be at loggerheads betimes dealing with him. Lots of accusations of "mollycoddling" etc being flung in my direction. am just glad we are going to see this family therapist on mon, as i think we both need an impartial view on this.
This eve I had to remind myself to ask dd how school was for her!

pinkstripes · 16/03/2010 20:09

HMC - your ds sounds very like my ds , & my DH also accuses me of wrapping ds up in cotton wool , just wanted to wish you good luck with the therapist on Monday ,

HOMEMADECHUTNEY · 16/03/2010 22:14

Thx so much ps! Apologies for the intermittant posting, we've only one pc, in our kitchen, so v difficult to get any privacy to post.

It is really comforting to know i'm not on my own here, and that there are others who share the worries and anxieties of being mum to a vulnerable little boy.

Will def keep checking in here so hope to hear more from you both!

pinkstripes · 17/03/2010 15:55

yes please do stay in touch HMC & 3cats3dogs .

i really thought i was the only one having these sort of problems with my ds
this is my email address if you would feel better talking in private [email protected] .

HOMEMADECHUTNEY · 17/03/2010 16:42

Thx so much ps. my email isn't v private tbh, so am probably safer on here! have just had a blazing row with him, followed by an apology. Wasn't proud of my own behaviour either, if I'm honest. He like the other boys, is actually the most sweetnatured and loving child so much of the time, it's just those flair-ups plus his vulnerability that gets to me.

Anyway here's hoping things will get better for us all.

Original poster
3cats3dogs · 17/03/2010 17:08

Both your boys sound soooo much like mine!
Luckily DH and I agree on most things, otherwise this would cause so many fights!

Another thing I find that throws ds in a mood is if I buy something for myself, and it really gets to me, as this hardly ever happens, and it really takes away the enjoyment, and also if it's my birthday or Mothers day, he seems to go out of his way to make it memorable for the wrong reasons - little ratbag!

His teacher wants me to keep a diary for a week or so, so I can see if there are any obvious triggers to his moods. I'll keep you updated if I notice anything

OP posts:
pinkstripes · 17/03/2010 17:29

3cats that made me laugh as last valentines day DH & i bought each other gifts & my gift to DH was a PlayStation 3 game that him & ds had wanted , when i handed DH the game ds threw a major wobbly because i had bought the game for DH instead of him , even though DH told ds he was allowed to play it too ,
HMC i think i find my ds is very immature compared to other children his age , the other boys he plays with are very "street wise" iykwim & ds is very naive.