Please come and talk to me about DS (9)

[3cats3dogs]

I'm finding life with DS quite a struggle at times, and I don't know what to do.
Generally, he's fine, and gets on well with DD and DS2.
He sometimes has problems at school with boys playing roughly, and name calling, but he's not being bullied, he just seems to be very sensitive to normal playground behaviour, so one issue is that I worry myself sick as to how he is going to cope if he is ever bullied.
At home, he'll sometimes wake up in a mood, and will spend the whole day being rude, aggressive to his Dsis and DB, will lash out at me if I do something to "annoy" him (eg. not let him go to the shop for something, not let him play on the computer as he hasn't behaved well enough to deserve it) and DH and I just can't get through to him at all.
We have started reward charts which work really well for a week, then he decides there's no point to them, and stops trying.
We try talking calmly to him, and explaining why he can't behave like he sometimes does, and when he's calm, he really seems to understand what we're saying, but as soon as he's in a rage, he struggles to control himself, and will be extremely rude, laughs at dh and I if we try to sort things out.
DD really irritates him sometimes (I imagine this is normal!) but instead of just ignoring her, he will hit her and be really rude to her (the things that he is ultra sensitive about at school) and I cannot get through to him that it's not OK to behave like that.
I spoke to my SIL about it, she didn't really give me any advice, but said it sounds like we really need to get this sorted. If he lashes out at us all when he's 15/16, family life is going to be awful.
I should add that when he is on form, he is amazing - thoughtful, kind, generous, and absolute delight to be with.
When he's having a mood, he seems really miserable with himself, with us, school etc.

Sorry, this is really long , but please tell me where I'm going wrong .
I find DD and DS2 so easy in comparison. I love DS so much, but feel guilty that I don't understand his moods at all, and I don't seem to be able to help him.

HMC - thanks , yes MN is really helping me atm , everyone has been so helpful & supportive , i will also be thinking of you tomorrow , i will post again tomorrow (if your not all sick of me by then) & let you know how i get on , hopefully you will have good news for us too tomorrow xx

I really identify with the up & down thing (volatility). So 25 minutes after DS says that he tried to kill himself with a knife, he's asking me how much do I think he could sell his Star Wars Lego for and what do I think he should spend it on.

Yes he was a lot better for long sleep the other night. Plus, I think he needs more exercise.

Agree about the exercise. Ds was "forced" by us to start tennis-lessons on fri; threw a major fit, then went along, played for two hours and absolutely loved it. Been out with his racquet all w/end.

If he were allowed, he'd probably sit in front of a screen all day, but we do cruelly force him out doors.

It's about the one thing dh and I agree on re sorting out his behaviour!

Hi to all,
Just wanted to say that dh and I had session with family therapist today. We both really liked her, and I feel a tiny bit of loosening of the knot of tension in my chest.

She wants to see us both again before she sees ds, as I think she senses that there's conflict between us in how we deal with ds.

Anyway think it's all good sofar, and I do know that emotionally everyone needs to calm down in the house.

Elmofan, have been following you on the other thread, and am delighted you confronted the principal this am. Truly hope this leads to major action on her part. Hope your ds was ok today at school. x

I'm so glad I discovered this thread.

3cats, you describe my nearly 8-y-o DS perfectly. I sometimes feel that I'm the only one who is going through this. My DS has heaps of exercise (4 mile walk to school and back), and very limited computer time (dependent on behaviour) - and we have the same volatile thing. One minute he's screaming that he wishes I were dead; the next, he's acting as if nothing ever happened.

HMC, I can so relate to what you say about your DH and nuclear meltdowns. I have exactly the same thing - he says I'm undermining him, and I probably am, as I think he deals with DS so badly.

I also have a DD, two years younger than DS, who is totally the opposite - agreeable, obliging and generally delightful. Of course, she winds DS up, knowing that he can't stop exploding at her. I am trying to work on that one too. God, this is hard work.

We've tried an educational psychologist, who gave DS some tips for managing anger, though he doesn't use them. I think it was useful for DH to have someone 'outside' give him advice, though.

HMC so glad the therapy session went well , i have been thinking of you today ,
sounds like its going to really get yourself & DH on the same page with dealing with your ds , xx
thanks ds was let out of school with the rest of his class & the bully was made stay behind for an extra 15 minutes & given a work sheet to do , about bloody time they did something tbh .
looks like a happy outcome for both of us today x

Hi to all, and hope things are going ok for you.

STB, really interested to hear you have similar conflicts with dh, as to how to deal with ds. yesterday evening dh and ds were playing football in the garden when ds stormed off, saying his dad had been "laughing at him". Now normally this would result in huge explosion of anger from dh, followed by rants then coldly distancing himself from ds. It has absolutely driven me crazy in the past.

Unbelievably, dh calmly and kindly told ds that he most certainly hadn't been laughing at him, that he was sorry ds felt that way, and that it was a pity they had to stop playing soccer. The whole incidence ended in a matter of minutes, rather than ruining the entire evening.

I was so PROUD of dh (sorry I know I sound like I'm praising a 5 yo, rather than a grown man). But honestly, this has never happened before. I think listening yesterday to a "professional" giving him advice, really impacted on him.

Now I'm not saying there's not an awful long way to go for us all, but still, it was a great moment, that I'm kind of rerunning in my head a lot...It also made me realise the huge impact of dealing with ds has had on our relationship. Sometimes I've sat there simmering with rage below the surface, over something dh has said or done re ds. Not last night! I praised him to the skies for it. (Again, I know I sound a bit patronising, don't mean to be, and I don't think dh was complaining!)

Elmofan am following you on aibu, and think you did fantastically yesterday. Am so to think that bully's dad did that, tho of course tells you a lot about why the kid is the way he is. Hope head keeps up the effort and that your ds was ok going in to school today. xx

HMC - thats brilliant i had to laugh as your football example is exactly what happens with ds & dh , ds gets stroppy & DH loses his temper then will ignore ds for the rest of the day while i try to smooth things over all the while i could kill dh for not trying to defuse the situation in the first place , DH & ds have started to take up long walks together & its working wonders , as its quality time together & ds loves that he gets time with dad without dd interrupting ,also ds is opening up more to his dad about how he is feeling whereas before it was mainly me that ds confided in . Also ds gets to burn off some energy & is more calm in the evenings .
I am so happy for you that only after one session your DH is really starting to listen to the therapist ( even though you have probably asked him to do likewise for several years ) but thats fantastic & its goes to show its really works
it can only get better for you all from here on in xxx

Thx so much elmofan! Yeah, it's a huge relief that dh is taking on board some of that stuff, because I'm bloody sick of trying to renegotiate peace between the pair of them.

Great to hear that your dh and ds are going walking together. Must be lovely for you to see that ds is opening up to his dad more, because imo that father/son relationship is critical to the happiness of the whole house (at least it is in ours).

We'll make "new men" of them yet!

Hope ds had a nice calm day in school today.xx

HMC- how are things ? dh has started to do light weight training with ds & they both went for a jog today (think dh is watching too many ROCKY films)
hope everything is calm in your household xx

Hi Elmofan, have been following events with you on other thread with baited breath. Hope all continues in a positive way there for you. You're surely getting some great advice!

Things are pretty good here at the moment. We just had a meeting with the school this morning, as I think I'd mentioned there'd been problems there with bullying/exclusion etc (some of which was caused by ds being intolerant or making "smart" comments to the other boys). He's a bright boy but extremely competitive and finds it really difficult to accept if he doesn't come first in everything. Anyway the school says he's been making a huge effort to watch his remarks and not to be unkind.

He's also making an effort to widen his group of friends, as in the past he has tended to focus on being friends with the "golden boy" of the class, to the exclusion of others. This kid has "dropped" him and at times been very mean to him in the past, so it's good if he can see past him to others.

Anyway, I suppose it's all a work in progress. Things are definitely better here so we'll just have to see how the Easter hols go (Dh is off for much of it also, so lots of potential for head-on collisions between the pair of them!)

Dh and I are seeing family therapist again on tues, so hopefully she'll have some wise words for us both!

Hope your ds has another good day in school. Thanks so much for keeping in touch, with all that's being going on for you. xxx

ah thats good to hear , are you sure you are not me as your DH & DS sound so like mine it really is scary
sounds like your ds is really trying very hard to turn things around & even the school have noticed , i am trying to get ds & DH to spend more time together (seeing as i am being accused of mollycoddling ds ) so yesterday DH & DS went for a jog together , then we have set up a small gym in the playroom so dh is going to do small weights with ds , (build him up for next September) lol

Elmofan, you're dh is DEFINITELY my dh!

There's always a huge emphasis with him on building up ds's strength, as if somehow that will totally alter his non-aggressive nature and he'll never be picked on again!

Am sure it helps to an extent tho...

if nothing else it keeps them out from under my feet
xxx

hi all , Easter holidays off to a bad start here, ds has just blown up at me because i would not let him play a PlayStation game that i dont think is suitable as dd (4yrs) is in the room , i told ds he can play it tonight after dd goes to bed at 7.30pm but he just exploded , called me a cow & slammed his bedroom door on me .
hope all is well with you xx

Oh no elmofan .
Don't worry we've had a few outbursts here (they're home from school an hour at this stage!)

Will check in later. No doubt your ds will be down looking for cuddles off you shortly, if he's anything like mine.

keep the faith! xxx

thanks HMC - hope this is not how the next two weeks are going to go , he is down now & sitting with his back to me , i have told him he will not get to play the game at all tonight as he has called me names & been disrespectful . i feel so drained of energy this week .
xxx

Elmofan, you've had one hell of a week! Am not surprised you feel drained, a week (or two) off from all the emotional stuff and the drama is what you feel like, I'd imagine!

If it's any consolation, I always find the day they get the holidays can be really stressful. They always seem to be hyped up to ninety, and hopefully things get a bit calmer for us all over the next few days!

I also find it exhausting when you have to give a punishment that isn't immediate, like telling your ds he can't play his game tonight. If he's anything like mine, the afternoon will consist of a persistent battle to get his own way!

Hope things have sttled down a wee bit. Will check in later. xxx

good morning

we are off to a good start this morning , ds took dd downstairs & got her breakfast for her , (sucking up to get the game back ) gave me a chance to hop into the shower , DH is working all day so wont be home until about 9pm . Dh & i are thinking of getting a dog for ds just a small dog so ds could maybe take it for walks & teach him some responsibility etc , we had a dog before but he died three years ago & ds has been pleading with us to get another one . ds went out to play when his friends called for him yesterday & was much calmer when he came in for dinner , he also made two new friends yesterday which is good ,
hope all is well in your household xxx

All that sounds great elmofan, and think a dog is a really good idea.

Sounds like your ds is mixing really well with peers. That's one concern we have with our ds, we live in an area where there are absolutely no other children living, so it can be really isolating for him.

In the schools he goes to, children come from parishes all over the county, and most get the bus in, so there isn't that natural sort of integration you'd get if he went to a local school in a busier area.

have to say, I feel a little pang of envy when you say ds's friends called for him yesterday, as that's something we never have here. All socialising is through prearranged playdates, which just isn't the same thing.

Anyway, we can't have everything! Ds is in a lovely supportive school, and we've no plans to move house (I love where we live except for the friends thing, but it's the same for everyone he's in school with, so he's never known any different).

The family therapist really emphasised the importance of remaining calm around ds, so that's what we've being working on, and I have to say when I can keep it together it definitely helps everything. I think if I manage to remember that as she said I'm dealing with a really emotional child, who needs calmness in order to be happy, then it makes it easier (rather than seeing him as a high maintenance difficult child, who's a complete pita at times!)

Hope the rest of your saturday is good .xxx

HMC- before you know it your ds will be old enough to maybe get the bus into the nearest town & meet up with his school friends . There are no young girls for dd to play with where i live so think it will have to be play dates with any friends she makes when she starts school in September ,
yes ds has a few friends at home but he seems to find it difficult to make friends in school . i am so happy for you that you are finding ways to keep everything calm , sounds like this therapy is really paying off & after only one session . xxx

My ds is also 9 and is the same! He speaks to me like dirt sometimes and takes everything out on me. He has got better since we moved schools and took him away from a certain problem child but he seems to be attracted to the children who play up! He is on the gifted and talented register at school and is top in all his lessons but he is so much hard work for the teacher as he questions her and answers back all the time...arguing with him is like arguing with an adult you cant win against!

He has just written on his school bus in black marker pen and when asking why he did it he said he was dared to....after trying to get to the bottom of why he comes in from school shouting at me and getting emotional he says its because he doesnt get any attention!! I also have a 7 month old ds so i can understand if he feels a little pushed out but we always try to spend time with him and he would rather be out or have his friends round...he only wants to spend time with me when its bedtime..then he cries and says he is bored and i dont care about him!

So hard to parent him as i dont want it getting worse....where has my lovely helpful little boy gone??

Hi to anyone who's about!

Just wondering how the easter hols are going for others. Elmofan how're things with your ds? have thought of you many times over the past two wks. Often think the easter hols are the hardest with dcs, as there seems to be so little to occupy them (other than bloody computers and nintendos, etc).

My ds's are doing soccer-camp this wk, and things are relatively calm. Dh and I have had 3 sessions with family therapist so far, and I think they've been invaluable. Really making us look at our behaviour and how we react to ds. Think dh is really making an effort, but a long way to go still...

I can really see how emotionally immature ds is compared to peers. really finds it hard to cope with the "rough and tumble" stuff that others seem to take in their stride.

Am slightly dreading him going going back to school, as his beloved teacher has now left (was covering a maternity leave) and his so-called "best friend" has been completely vile to him on the one occasion they met over the hols.

Still, dh and I and ds are due to meet family therapist next sat (the 17th), so am really hoping she can help ds cope a bit better by standing up for himself etc.

He's completely taken aback by some of the boys at his soccer-camp who have girlfriends! One kid told him he was dying to go back to school as he'd really missed his girlfriend over the hols .

DS still sleeps with his teddies...