Just pretend for this thread that we're talking about a group of five adults here

[MrsWobbleTheWaitress]

not, four children and one adult, because we believe very strongly in UP/consensual living/taking children seriously/whatever you want to call it.

I need help with DD1! Flipping child! She's 6.5. She swings from being totally stubborn, and refusing to engage in problem solving (usually wrt planning what to do that day) to make us all happy, to being over-amenable and self-sacrificing to make me happy - 'whatever you want mummy'.

I am feeling angry and miserable about it.

Today's situation:

I have made her do a few things lately that she hasn't wanted to do, which I think is what is triggering this behaviour. I tell her she is in control of her life, but then take that control away when I lose my temper at the frustration of trying to find a common preference for the whole family.

So we've been invited to a very good friend's house this afternoon, somewhere I've ended up making DD1 come along with us to for the last three or four visits as everyone else has wanted to go. She's moped around for the first couple of hours and then got engaged in some huge big game with them all and hasn't wanted to leave at the end. However, with it in mind that I think she is reacting to not actually being in control of the decisions we make, I have decided to stick to my TCS guns and not force her to go this time.

The problem is that she doesn't know what she wants to do instead. She says she wants to go out. I know I need to connect with other adults IRL each day as far as possible, to keep black dog at bay.

I've suggested joining a group of other families who are meeting today to do junk modelling together. Everyone else says 'yes', she says 'no'. I've suggested a walk along the docks. Everyone else says 'yes', she says 'no'.

Please, please help! I am crying, now. I just don't know what to do to meet her needs. I know she has unmet needs, as they always do have when we have a period of unpleasant behaviour. She's not being selfish intentionally. I believe very strongly in consensual living, but I have not been enacting it the way I've been talking about it, so, in effect, I've been lying to her and she probably doesn't trust me one inch - what's the point in engaging in problem solving when you always overrule me anyway, Mummy?

So help!

1. immediate issue - what do we do today?

2. long term issue - how on earth do we find things to do that we are all happy about (myself included) without this battle every day?

I think most of them would be happy to spend a few days at home, just playing together/doing things with me/doing activities but I need time with other adults for my own sanity, which is important for the children, obviously.

All practical, and deep and meaningful discussion type suggestions very welcome indeed

I think you are trying too hard..

The older I get the more I think parenting styles are largely unimportant in the long run.

What is I think extremely important is confidence in yourself and what you are doing, everything else follows on from that. Children can sniff out self doubt and this makes them feel insecure which then makes them behave in ways which makes everybody's life more difficult.

There is only ONE you, there is four of them.
Have you heard that saying 'if nobody feeds the shepherd, they start eating the sheep' Your first responsibility is to yourself. This is not selfish, actually it's the reverse, if you are pretty much okay, it's more likely that you will deal with your children in a way that you are happy with.

How you deal with them is totally up to you.

FWIW I do agree with other posters in that you are expecting too much of yourself.

You can't take their breaths for them. You can't move the world a little to the left.

Sometimes you don't get what you want. And that's OKAY. Sometimes you do, and that's okay too. It's just the way it is, it's not perfect.

Really, really good luck. I try to parent the same way as you, but my children are still quite young - though dd is 8, the others 6mths and 2.5. I do have a lot of dilemmas with dd, but god we'd be here for days.

You sound like a lovely mum. Be kind to yourself.

Am I missing something here? Mrs W. does set boundaries - she gets her daughter to come along to places everyone else wants to go. But she feels guilty about it. Normal, and where better to come to talk about it than here? (I would hope).

And she wonders how to reconcile the fact that she is teaching her daughter how to be in control of her life (that's what I understand by "I tell her she's in control") with the fact that she does have to tell her what to do. Normal (and hard). And she'd like to make it up to DD but doesn't know how, because DD doesn't know herself what she wants to do. I don't see this as so very bad.