Accused of 'babying' DS, and holding him back - what to do about it?

[wheresmypaddle]

DS is 2y11m. I met with my postnatal group last week and realised that my DS is the only one still in nappies, in a cot and having a drink of milk before bed. Someone ?kindly? said maybe I was babying him and needed to let go and allow him to grow up, there was even a suggestion I was damaging him (ouch). I feel a bit insulted- which has left me wondering if there is some truth in her comment (I usually find that criticisms hurt most when there is some truth in them).

I think DS is pretty ?normal? developmentally. He is happy, lively and outgoing. He is very sociable and adjusts easily to new situations and challenges. He is pretty average in terms of numbers, letters, colours etc. he goes to Nursery and a local playgroup once a week (both without me) which he enjoys, and socialises with his ?friends?.

I haven?t really pushed him to learn or do anything as such, except encouraging him to dress / undress himself as much as possible. I am in no hurry to move him into a ?big?bed and plan to potty train him as soon as the weather warms up a bit. The only thing I am aware is rather babyish is that he still loves to sleep in a grow-bag, I plan to prise this off him when the cold snap has passed.

DS is an only child, conceived after several miscarriages. I have a condition which means having another child could cause me to have a brain haemorrhage (am fine if not pregnant, luckily). I am not willing to take that risk, hence DS being an only and yes, I admit a PFB.

So I guess I am a prime candidate for being overprotective and possibly holding him back. I have tried not to- I admit I don?t want him to grow up too quickly but really hoped I had avoided falling into the trap of over-babying him.

I would really appreciate some perspective on this- how do I know if I am babying or delaying him? Can anyone (gently) point out what damage I could cause by not pushing him to grow up as much as I perhaps should?

you aren't damaging him

it isn't a race

IMO you are very sensible to wait until warmer weather to potty train

why move your DS out of a cot? I assume he still has room in it and can't climb out?

and so what about milk before bed?! My DS still at 3.5 years may (although of late he rarely has it) do the same

do what you feel is right for you and your DS

you sound like you are doing a great job - don' t let others knock your confidence

Cheeky mare!

Leave him in the cot until he climbs out

once they're out they can get up themselves, lol
honestly don't worry and ignore them

Oh yes my dd has milk before bed in a beaker even though she drinks out of a cup the rest of the day , she's 3.6

Ds was potty trained at 2.9 (when he was ready)

He moved into a bed at 3.2.

At 5.7 he still has a drink of milk before bed.

In fact dh is 37 and he still has a drink of milk before bed!

Ignore your friends they sound a bit mad!

Wow, thank you for you support Ruby and Compo. Her comment was a kick in the teeth TBH, I felt immediately guilty and a bit foolish but I feel much better already.

Yes loads of room left in his cot bed. For some reason climbing out of it has not crossed his mind as yet!!

Barking barking friends. Smile sweetly and carry on your way.

I agree with Ruby. My DD3 (DC4) will be 3 in April and I am in NO hurry to potty train her. It is so much quicker IMHO to wait until they are really ready and you are right about waiting for warmer weather unless you want to be tied to your washing machine and tumble dryer. Mine were all out of their cots early, but that is because they started climbing out and we have marble floors here so not really a good combo with an adventurous climber. And I wish mine would still drink milk at bedtime.

It sounds like you are doing just fine. As I'm sure you know, there will be a million things for you to worry about as your DS grows up. These definitely don't sound like things you should be concerned about. Go back to enjoying him as he is now. Growing up happens all too soon, in the blink of eye.

I am SUCH a slow typer. I agree with everyone else too!

Well, ds (2.4) is no 3, so def NOT pfb. And for that reason

I am in no rush to potty train him (despite loads of well-meaning people telling me that I really must!) Like you, am waiting till the better weather, and feel I trained dd2 too young (2yo) and had lots of problems with regression.

He has a drink of milk every night that he wants it, at storytime. Are they suggesting he should have a more grown-up nightcap?? Tell them you have tried giving him a G&T but it gave him nightmares

He still sleeps in his cot, because he has loads of room, feels secure there, and because experience has taught me that the longer they can happily stay in a cot, the better!

Do these friends of yours have only one child?? Because in my experiences it is more commonly mums who have done it before,a nd therefore realise just how fast they do grow up, who feel no need to hurry their babies onto the next step. Continue to enjoy your son at yours and his own pace

You sound very sensible to me.

Ignore them!

My DD was potty trained by 2.3yo and went into her own bed at 2.5yo. There was a reason for this - the iminent arrival of DS! I would never have been so proactive otherwise.

I fully expect DS to still be in his cot until he climbs out himself or physically can't fit in it anymore (why not? - beds are a PITA!) and he will be potty trained when its nice and hot and sunny, and I feel like it!

And BTW - I was still having milk before bed when I was a teenager (albeit not out of a bottle )!

Agree with everyone else and LOL at telling them you've offered him gin.

Like Jooly, I held off potty training DS2 because I'd forced DS1 to do it before he was ready, and he STILL is v anxious about toileting even now (he's 7). I let DS2 do it in his own sweet time - so not until he was 4 - but we had a total of 2 accidents, and he was completely independent in all matters toilet very quickly.

Very common for two, three and four-year-olds to still want milk for comfort, whether from bottle or breast. Nothing to worry about.

Do these friends always offer criticism disguised as advice? I'd be inclined to tell them to sod off tbh.

Don't worry you're normal and so is your DS. our pfb DS was still in his cotbed with the sides on until he was 2.5yo and would have been longer if we hadn't needed it for his sister! potty training.. we tried on and off for aaages and all of a sudden it clicked for him recently at 3.5yrs. milk before bed.. he still does.. although now it's in a plastic ben10 glass with a straw that spirals around the outside

Ds2 refuses to go into a bed and wants to keep his cot. He is 3 and a 1/2, I'm going to try and lure him away from it with the offer of sleeping in the bottom bunk of the new bunk beds in ds1's room.

ds1 was 3 and a half before we even attempted potty training and it did not go well ! It was on the third attempt with Cod's potty training boot camp thread when he was 4 that we finally got somewhere just as school start date was looming.

Grobags go up to 36 months don't they ? Must be plenty of people using them on nearly 3 year olds, they are fab for going away for the weekend, far less bedding to pack and little one is snug/secure in their own duvet bag reminding them of home.

Ignore, ignore, ignore whilst smiling sweetly. You are the best person to decide when your child is ready for a change.

Some of them have now have a second, but the DCs that they are comparing my DS to are all their first children. So none of them have children older than 3y2m.

They all stopped eating their food (monthly chinese meal meet up), and looked at me in a really suprised way when I mentioned DS was still in his cot . The admission that he is still in nappies and has milk at bedtime was a step too far for one in particular hence the 'babying and damaging him' comment! I didn't want to make an issue of it so I didn't really stick up for myself, wish I had now and if it comes up again I will definitely use the brillaint G&T suggestion, thank you.

There has always been an element of competition, but I have pretty much stayed out of it- I love DS just the way he is and until now have managed not to take any of it to heart.

I do feel strongly that before I know it he will be all grown up and I am trying to enjoy him as he is (with a good spattering of frustrating stuff in there too ). But I don't want to hold him back, or damage him somehow which was what I felt I was being accused of. I feel much better now, thanks so much.......

Oops brilliant not brillaint!!

Had a feeling they would be mums of first children!! With subsequent children you pray they will take their time to walk/ talk/ learn to switch on the TV!

I really can't see why people should be proud of the fact that their child is no longer in a cot- it's hardly a huge acheivement in development terms! It's more a factor of convenience/ space/ next baby on the way/ child climbing out of cot.

And I would say it is probably far more damaging for a child who isn't ready to be potty-trained to be taken out of nappies than for a child who might be ready to still be in them, so there!

Ds turns 3 in June -

Still in a cot- Tick

Still in Gro bag - Tick

Still in nappies - Tick

Still having milk before bed - Tick

Perfectly happy little boy who has plenty of time to grow up - Tick.

And he has yet to start nursery and STILL has a dummy at night - so dread to think what your post natal group would think of that!

You sound sensible, to me. I am wondering if your friends are the ones being being PFB-ish about their children. Often first time parents are in a rush to pass every miletone and reach every stage really quickly. Perhaps because you know he will be an only you are savouring the present a little more - good on you.

MY DS is 5 yrs old and still has milk (albeit in a cup, not a bottle/beaker!) each night before bed.

He was potty trained at 2 yrs 11 mths, but I know plenty of children who weren't trained until after their third birthday.

Re: the grobag / cot thing. What does it matter where they sleep or what covering they have? As long as they are safe, warm and comfy, who cares?

before this meeting - were you happy with the way things were? Is your toddler happy

well there you go then

if there is no reason to put them in a bed ( ie climbing out) keep them in the cot

you decide when to potty train.. you know your own child

and milk is good for them

you are not "babying" him, consciously or subconsciously

and you are not damaging him, FGS. She's not being very nice.

Agree with everything except the nappies. a lot has changed since my children where born in 1990 & 1992. Nursery schools at the time wouldn't accept children in nappies so we had an incentive to get them out of nappies by 2 1/2-3.

MY dd was dry before her 2nd birthday which was her choice - not me. DS who was quiet a slow developer was out of nappies at 2 1/2 (he's a July birthday so I did that in the winter). When he was out of nappies he was still at the stage where he didn't/couldnt' speak.

Yes Yes Wheresmy ... Do not listen to silly pushy parents they harm their DC's by comparing and competing; your dC sounds absolutely fine!!