Accused of 'babying' DS, and holding him back - what to do about it?

[wheresmypaddle]

DS is 2y11m. I met with my postnatal group last week and realised that my DS is the only one still in nappies, in a cot and having a drink of milk before bed. Someone ?kindly? said maybe I was babying him and needed to let go and allow him to grow up, there was even a suggestion I was damaging him (ouch). I feel a bit insulted- which has left me wondering if there is some truth in her comment (I usually find that criticisms hurt most when there is some truth in them).

I think DS is pretty ?normal? developmentally. He is happy, lively and outgoing. He is very sociable and adjusts easily to new situations and challenges. He is pretty average in terms of numbers, letters, colours etc. he goes to Nursery and a local playgroup once a week (both without me) which he enjoys, and socialises with his ?friends?.

I haven?t really pushed him to learn or do anything as such, except encouraging him to dress / undress himself as much as possible. I am in no hurry to move him into a ?big?bed and plan to potty train him as soon as the weather warms up a bit. The only thing I am aware is rather babyish is that he still loves to sleep in a grow-bag, I plan to prise this off him when the cold snap has passed.

DS is an only child, conceived after several miscarriages. I have a condition which means having another child could cause me to have a brain haemorrhage (am fine if not pregnant, luckily). I am not willing to take that risk, hence DS being an only and yes, I admit a PFB.

So I guess I am a prime candidate for being overprotective and possibly holding him back. I have tried not to- I admit I don?t want him to grow up too quickly but really hoped I had avoided falling into the trap of over-babying him.

I would really appreciate some perspective on this- how do I know if I am babying or delaying him? Can anyone (gently) point out what damage I could cause by not pushing him to grow up as much as I perhaps should?

Oh ignore them.

DS (3.2) is still in a cot because he likes it and I dont care.

He was potty trained at 2yrs 7m or thereabouts for pees but only because he basically did it himself. Taking nappy off and asking for potty when needed pee each time so he was definitely ready.

He still has milk before bed, he can have that as long as he likes.

My dd still has a drink of milk before bed and she is 16! she doesn't have it in a beaker anymore though!

I think 2y11m is quite early for potty training, its much quicker if you wait for them to show signs they are ready than if you push and push to get them dry to beat the other mums which, from experience is what some mums do.

Some mums just treat the whole baby stage as one big competition, in fact probably the whole of their childs life! Ignore her.

Thanks everyone again, its lovely to hear i am not a wierd mummy after all- I feel much more normal now.

I think if the subject gets brought up again I will take a deep breath and admit that I am savouring every moment of my little boy, i love giving him a cuddle in his grobag before putting him in his cot (where i know he will stay until morning) and I am not rushing him to grow up as its not doing him any harm.

This is why I avoid postnatal groups. Too much comparing. I dropped out of mine very quickly when it became clear it was a giant race.

DS2 (3rd DC) is 2.6, still in cot, still in nappies, still BF before bed.

DS1 (PFB) was in a cot until well over three and a half. He never tried to climb out - partly because he was and is a pudding, but also I think because he was in a sleeping bag. Neither of my older DCs were potty trained before 3.

You often find that people move their older child into a bed when they have a second child because they need the cot for the new baby. Or maybe they had a small cot. And traditionally people also potty trained as soon as another was on its way as they also needed the (terry) nappies.

We only had 17.5 months between our first two DCs so we went and bought another big cot. Luckily we had been given the first one.

Sounds like both of my DSs (so not PFB syndrome). Both not potty trained until over 3 (very quickly, with few accidents)

I think that the only things that would, to my mind be "holding a child back" at this age might be if a parent's fears about separation were interfering with the child going off happily to playgroup. So, not you.

Your friends sound a bit starnge, to me.

starnge ? strange !

PP.S I'd sleep in a gro-bag if they made them big enough

DS1 - went into a bed at 2 years - but it was a cot bed so low to the ground and the only reason we did this was because he had grown out of his travel cot. Therefore if we went anywhere (and my parents love having him stay ) he would be "all out of sorts" in a bed.

DS2 - went into a bed at 2 years after a week from hell on holiday for exactly the same reason.

They both went into duvets from gro-bags in-case they got out of bed and tripped over. I felt so sad when my baby boy slept in his for the last time.

DS1 - was eventually dry at 3years but still pooed in nappies at 4.5yrs (gosh i bet your friends would fall over with that revelation - but it does get worse!!)

DS2 - nearly 3 is probably ready for potty training but as we go on holiday as he turns 3 i am leaving it till after so i can have a semi-stress free holiday.

DS2 - still has milk in a bottle morning and night AND a dummy.

..........Wait for it............

DS1 - now age 6.5yrs still has milk at night ......in a bottle.

haven't read all of the other responses so apologies if i am repeating what others have said but oh my goodness, it sounds like you are doing a perfect job. it actually makes me really sad and rather angry, this rush for our babies to grow up (and, lets face it at 2.9 your ds is still really a baby.)

my ds1 was absolutely obsessed with his gro-bag until well past 3 when i rather reluctantly moved him out of his cot and into a bed with a duvet purely because he was getting far too long for his gro-bag. i do remember friends were a bit that he slept in a gro-bag and in a cot for so long but quite frankly i don't see any harm in it. he is now 4 and still has a spouted cup of milk before bed and goes to sleep with his blankie. i did potty train him earlier as we were away on holiday the summer after he turned 2 and i thought it would be an easy place to try, but he is still in night nappies as i can't face yet another thing to wake me in the night. whenever i stress about these sorts of things i always ask myself if he will still be doing xyz when he is 16. the answer always puts things into perspective and helps me to enjoy my babies while they are still so young.

Agree with the general consensus that you are doing a brilliant job and being very sensible. I wish I had been this sensible when my DS ( now 6 ) was this age. Its easy to get caught up in the developmental milestones thing. I did, however, keep both of mine ( also DD now 3.5) in grobags and cots until they were 3 as I didn't want them escaping wanted them to feel secure.....and they were both perectly happy.

DD wasn't potty trained until 3 for various reasons, but mainly because she wasn't ready. There was no pressure to do it earlier.

Sneery ladies - eew. Sounds like they all need to loosen up a bit.

And FWIW I wouldn't prise the grobag off him if he loves it. Where's the harm, and more importantly, whose business is it?

Oh god, were these people the same about when their kids started walking/talking/could count to 10 etc etc?? I hate competitive parents like that!

At the end of the day they will all learn to walk/talk/use the toilet eventually so what's the rush?

People keep asking if I'm going to potty train DD/ move her to a big bed before no.2 turns up (she will be 2 and 2 months) and I've decided no, it's not worth the hassle and I don't think she's ready! I'll potty train over the summer if I think she's ready, and I figure we've got 6 months of DC2 sleeping in the moses basket before I have to turf DD out of the cot. At least she doesn't get up and come into our room at 2am like my friend's little boy who's in a 'big boy' bed!

I wish I had babied DS1 a bit more (he is 8yrs now) because it really does go bloody fast.

I have babied DS2 quite a lot and TBh he seems a happier boy for it. I enjoyed every stage instead of becoming an anxious twat always fretting about his next milestone.

Enjoy your son, they grow up far to quickly.

My DS is 2.11 as well. He's still in nappies - had two attempts to potty train scuppered by major family crises and am now waiting until it's warmer, because he knows what to do when he's not got any bottoms on. He has a bog boy bed in hos own room but chooses to sleep in his sidecarred cot next to me most nights, and he still has (breast)milk at bedtime. Your group would probably burn me at the stake, but like you I have a very happy, chatty, confident little man who is developing at his own pace and charming the socks off everyone he meets along the way.

she is being really really mean
you are not damaging him AT ALL

you are being loving and kind and wonderful
ignore her ALWAYS

Nothing you describe sounds anything other than cosy, loving and relaxed. Got to question why someone would want to make you feel bad about that.

Rules for when kids should be weaned, potty trained, move dinto separate rooms/cots/beds, have dummies taken from them, have milk taken from them change every few months. What we HAD to do - rules HV tried to enforce - when my boys were tiny are now totally out of date. it's all rubbish. All babies are different sizes and temperaments and we know them best. If he's happy and you're happy, you're damaging no one.

More likely to cause damage by battling with toddlers over something that really doesn't matter give or take a year, just because the latest rule book says you must.

Perhaps give up your postnatal group rather than worry about hurrying along your DS who sounds lovely...

My DS2 is 2.9 and still in nappies, is in a bed (but mostly ours not his!), has milk and a dummy before bed. He never liked a grobag which I was gutted about!

All babies/children are different, trust your instincts and don't listen to your "friends"...

"Happy, lively and outgoing" is THE big achievement as this forms his character. Whether he drinks milk out of a bottle or not doesn't.

Mine moved into a big bed when they started falling head first out of the cot at night -"thump", like pheasants in Danny Champion of the World.

And they are all so individual. DD2 was a year behind ds on ditching the nappies, at 3.2 and still has one at night. Like you, plan to do something about that one when the weather warms up. Both mine toilet trained in about a week, so being averse to pooey pants, leaving it until they're ready is a good idea ime.

gecko trained herself

I was rerally really trying not to do it till the weather warmed uo

BUT she is just turned three
still breastfeeds every two hours ish through the night

sleeps with me

has a bottle if she wants

gets carried down from the bath wrapped in a towel and carried like a baby

she also is outgoing, and goes to playgroup every morning without me and loves it

please dont worry about this horrid woman

carry on loving your son and doing what you feel is right

What's wrong with milk before bed??? I have a drink before bed and I am 37??? Milk is full of calcium regardless of age. Fills tummy until breakfast! What do other children drink before bed, or can they go from teatime until morning?

Keep in cot 'til can climb out or you feel like putting in bed-(dd in cot until 3). Wht difference does it make to rest of life??

Have you tried potty training? maybe is time, but no big deal!

I have milk before bed and I am 35.

wrt to the other stuff it tends to come altogether. If your dc is potty trained, you can't keep them in a cot because they can't get out to pee. There is no need to go into a bed in order to be more 'grown up'. You will not be more mature, you will be the same person but in a bed.

My PFB did everything early (slept through, walked, potty trained) and I got sneery comments for that 'I don't know how you could bear to do controlled crying' when we never did, he just liked his sleep and 'Is he potty trained already? We don't believe in pushing them and using bribes' etc. What was I supposed to do? Let him pee all over the carpet because he wouldn't do it in a nappy? You can't win.

Agree with everyone - good to hear all so sensible and not trying to rush DC to grow up. It does go so quick and once they get to school you have so little time with them - enjoy it and the bond it creates. You and DS sound like you both know what you like and if your both happy that's great. Thank goodnesss things have chilled a bit since I started have my DC 18 years ago - getting two DS to potty train by 21/2 to go to playgroup was traumatic for them and myself.

Your friends obviously think it's a race - don't go there! It all usually evens out once they're at school. I've lost count of how many of my DD's friends (when aged 3) could write their names! My DD won't even entertain the idea ! I hot-housed DS1 as a preschooler in naive attempt to do 'right thing' - waste of time - now he's a school/college drop out! They all get THERE (wherever it might be) in their own sweet time.

Just yet another vote of encouragement - My DS was in his cot till 3.4, nappies till 3.6 and still has milk at bedtime (now 5.6).
I must admit his nursery dealt with most of potty training - after repeated failed attempts at home they offered to try as they had 2 of his mates starting the next week and reckoned that all the DC trying together would help them all and it worked fine.