Dummies or not?

[Lizzer]

Right then folks, I'm feeling in a debating mood today so I'm going to throw open a topic for the thrashing out, holding no punches (in the nicest possible way of course!)...

I HATE dummies - there I've said it. I can just about stand seeing them in a tiny baby's mouth, even though I prefer to see what the child actually looks like rather than a lump of plastic and two little eyes. I can't stand seeing children over the age of 6 months with one, hate it when they're trying to speak with one attached or having one shoved in their gob by their parent. Basically I wonder why people bother. My daughter was far from an angelic, wonder baby that never cried, she was in fact very demanding (still can be) but cuddles and feeds got us through the early months - would a dummy have made all the difference? I am opening this up to see if I can understand why people give them to their babies at all, is it something you plan in advance - do you take them in with your labour bag or is desperation the main cause? Does it stop them crying completely? Does anyone wish they hadn't bothered or couldn't live without one - if so, why? Or does anyone feel as strongly as me?

Like I said I fancy a challenge today, so come on then....!

No hard feelings Thomcat. We all have our prejudices including me (especially me?). I don't want my son using one when he's five either. And he's gorgeous with or without his dummy!

Thomcat I agree with you in that I don't like seeing children with dummies at times when I don't think they're necessary, like when they're playing or watching tv, etc etc. But my ds absolutely loved his dummy for comfort and for his daytime naps, so I'm glad that I used one, because it made both our lives easier. I was just always adamant that I only wanted him to have it when he really needed it, not just for the heck of it.

I didn't intend to use one in the beginning but when ds was only about a month old, he had to go without food for several hours before having an operation, and the dummy was a life-saver. It really helped to comfort him and put him to sleep when he was probably feeling uncomfortable. I agree with Mears that some babies just seem to have this need for comfort more than others, and even though ds kept it longer than I would've liked (up until recently) looking back I have no problem with the fact that he had a dummy because he didn't have one in his mouth all the time.

Judging by my own ds, they simply seem to grow out of it anyway - he just doesn't have the need for it anymore.

My three year old has recently given up his dummy, he only had it at night and insisted he couldn't sleep without it, when we tried to take it away he would become very distressed and we came to the conclusion that it just wasn't worth the upset. We also wondered when we were ever going to get him to part with it. One night he just told us he didn't need it any more and hasn't mentioned it since. We can't believe that there's been no fuss or relapse. The only reson we gave him one in the first place was because he would comfort suck for hours at the breast without one.

What is the reason for dummy snobbery in this country? The argument "they look awful" seems (to me) to be masking something else, like maybe class snobbery.

Not aimed at Thomcat, by the way. I've heard the "they look awful" hundreds of times, and have to wonder why the reaction against them can be so disproportionately strong here. I imagine dummies look just as bad in America, but people don't seem to get worked up about them there.

What looks awful is always subjective, of course, and I have long thought that a lot of the disapproval of dummies it is class prejudice (a very middle class prejudice and no I am really not having a go at anyone) so I have to say I was secretly pleased to see that Jemima Kahn has used dummies with all he kids and more and more 'upmarket' celebrity kids are seen with them. And of course, if you fly a lot (or even at all) they can be great because they relieve the pressure in the ears at takeoff and landing.

In the early days I'd have given anything for dd to be a dummy-sucker or a thumb-sucker, or a blanket-sucker, or frankly anything that woulod give comfort (despite being anti dummy before she was born). But no, the stubborn thing was having none of it.

Now, apparently (20 months) she steals them out of sleeping babies mouths at nursery...

That's so sweet! My ds is always being mugged for his dummy by other kids - I say it's good preparation for living near Peckham!

I weaned ds off his dummy because he had found his fingers and got a lot of comfort from them, so I didn't see why he should also be dependant on the dummy as well. Now I slightly regret that because his front teeth are crooked from finger-sucking. On the other hand, we never had disturbed nights with him because he doesn't lose his fingers - unlike his dummy-sucking sister who woke us everytime the bloody thing fell out. Until I got cruel and took them away. Now she's found her thumb, but doesn't suck it nearly as much as ds does his fingers.

I think when people say they hate to see children with dummies ( like Thomcat I think it looks horrible,) they mean older children walking and running around in public with dummies, not babies in prams or at home in bed or whatever.
I am sure we all basically share this view , but differ on the cut - off age at which we think it looks bad.

I once saw little boy who looked about three sooking a dummy - and he had a pierced ear! Delightful combination.

Aloha what do you mean by "upmarket " celebrity kids? And why would you be pleased some of them used dummies? Isn't that an example of class prejudice?

I think you've got to do what you feel is right. I personally have never used a dummy on my children simply because i couldn't be doing with the hassle of weaning them off of one. I don't think older children look right with them but if you're having a tough time and you feel it'll make a difference then why not give it a go. My eldest was a particularly sucky baby but i just perservered with trying to meet her needs and limit amount of time comfort feeding and it seemed to work, not easy though.

Well, because I hope that the associations with glamour etc will maybe stop people being so critical and condemnatory of children who find dummies comforting and pleasant. What's the prejudice in that? Dummies do no harm, why should I limit my son's use of something that pleases him and comforts him. Should I take his toys away if he likes them too much? If it's not class prejudice, what is it? This 'it looks horrible' stuff, what's really behind it?

Like i said everyones got to do what they feel is right besides, a contented child be it with or without a dummy is far better than an unhappy child.

BTW I also like to think I met my sons needs. Part of that was giving him a dummy. Not for my sake, mind you, but his. As I said, babies in the womb suck their thumbs - are they not getting their needs met either. I do realise you didn't mean to say something critical, but I can't help to see an implication there that is.

This is clearly a very sensitive subject and i had no intention to offend anybody. Perhaps my choice of words could have been better.

why are you looking behind the simple statement "it looks horrible" for something deeper? Some of us just think it looks horrible, end of story.Nothing to do with objecting to needs being met or anything.Several of my friends who give their kids dummies think it looks horrible.

IMO endorsement by so called glamourous celebrities is no endorsement at all.

Now if you want to see something that really does look horrible come round to my house and see my nearly 3yo daughter rushing round demanding her bottle of (hot) milk! (not that I would ever let her do it in public )

Why do people say that babies who need to suck (whether dummies or fingers) aren't getting their needs met? Might the baby not be doing it simply for the sheer pleasure of it? After all we don't only do pleasurable things just because we aren't getting our needs met, but simply because we want to.

Thanks boyandgirl. That is pretty much what I was trying to say. 'Horrible' is a pretty strong word for such an innocuous activity IMO.

DS is nearly 1 and has been using a dummy since he was about 4 weeks. He was a 'sucky' baby and I felt like I was permanently sitting down breastfeeding him. Once I introduced a bottle (I was worried about interfering with his bf) I gave him a dummy and it was such a relief.

Now I wonder how I am going to wean him off it. I am worried about damage to his teeth, but I also don't want to distress him unduly by taking it away. He uses it mainly to sleep and will sometimes spit it out once he's asleep. The last few days he has had high temps and a cold and has wanted to suck it quite a bit during the day (and lots of cuddles) and has it firmly clenched in his mouth when asleep.

I take it from him if I think he is using it from habit (ie: he sees it so puts it in) but I don't want to take away this form of comfort while he still seems to need it.

I too, hate seeing dummies in the mouths of older toddlers - 3 or older. I can't see that the sucking/comfort reflex is as strong in a child and I think it's more habit and I worry about their teeth, too

I want to find another way of helping my son comfort himself instead of using his dummy. I certainly don't think they're awful things but at the same time I don't want DS to have one in his mouth more than necessary.

WE gave our dd a dummy/soother when she was about 12 weeks old. I had been very adamant that I wasn't going to give her one but was willing to see how thing went. She was a very colicky baby although the colic was practically all gone by the time we gave her the dummy but she had trouble settling at night. She got it at bedtime until she dropped off to sleep then we would remove it from her mouth. she never looked for it in the middle of the night.

She only got her dummy at bedtime and never went outside of the house with it it was left in the house during the day until bedtime. when she was about 15 months the dummy that she had was starting to break so we said to her oh it's broken you'd better put it in the bin and she did all by herself and never asked for it again.

One of my cousins was very against dummies and even asked me why on earth I had decided to give my dd one. Another cousins dd had her dummy until she was 3 and she had to ahve one in her mouth and one in each hand.

I personally don't like to see older children with dummies in their mouth and one in each hand but who am I to comment as that could have been my child. If it gives them comfort then so be it.

When baby #2 comes along I will again see how things go and if I feel the need to give my baby a dummy I will but I will follow the same route of only giving it at bedtime/naptime.

Now that I've said that my second child will probably want to take the dummy everywhere and scream if it doesn't have it, lol

my baby alfie is now just over seven weeks old and I gave him a dummy when my nipples were too sore to soothe him off to sleep, or when he had been cup fed and needed to suck in order to settle (works pretty well, phew!). I noticed he was beginning to put his thumb in his mouth and decided that the dummy was the lesser of two evils.
This decision was based upon my mother's decision to give me a dummy, whilst my older brother sucked his thumb. I have no recollection of having a dummy and have not experienced any vocal suppression (quite the reverse). Conversely, my brother sucked his thumb for years and had to wear a brace due the gap in his front teeth. Even now he still puts his thumb in his mouth when he is sleepy - he is in his thirties.
Hopefully Alfie will grow out of the dummy, I can't see him lasting five minutes at high school if he doesn't.

Well my DS had a dummy. He had it from a baby til he was 3 and I don't care what anyone thinks about that.

He was a very 'sucky baby' as the NICU put it. He had a very immature digestive system, even for his gestational age, and had terrible colic and of course sucking helps colic but milk doesn't so he had the dummy.

He had it until he did not need it as a comforter anymore and that happened to be until he was 3. The way I look at it, if he had a thumb, a blanket or otehr comforter of sorts no one would look twice and that is all a dummy is.

Who cares? When theya re 18 no ones going to give two hoots whether they had a dummy as a baby or a toddler or, gasp, a pre-schooler. There are bigger isues to worry about imo.

My DD who is 5 months does not have a dummy as it happens but she did not need to suck for comfort like my DS did.

Haven't had time to read all of the messages, so sorry if any repeats but just wanted to add my views... (and it is a little contentious!)

Personally I get very angry about people (and often I mainly hear this from Non parents!) who put their own sense of aesthetics over and above their child's happiness. I feel that is a very selfish attitude to hold. However, in saying this, I do feel that there has to be a distinction between the use of a dummy and the abuse of one... so do hear me out!

My daughter was (and still is breastfed) and she was very sucky... to the extent that I was dreading the next feed, beacuse it hurt so much.. even now, she could quite happily sleep on the boob for two hours... but this gives me sore nipples. I found the dummy to be my saviour in keeping me going breastfeeding.. When she was hungry, she had the boob, when she wanted to suckle she had a dummy. It dramtatically reduced her crying, She obviously gets comfort from it and I was able to bive my boobs a break long enough to be able to continue bfeeding! This I see as use of a dummy. Now, at 13 months, she uses a dummy to help her relax before going to sleep. Then it is removed and she will not see it again until the following sleep. She never has it awake.

Personally, I see the abuse of a dummy as being when a child has it in their mouth all of the time, when it is used to shut the child up, or the child has to talk around it... I do not see that as an appropriate use of the dummy (just my opinion mind!)

As for the use of the dummy, I notice that The Dutch government now recommends its use as it has been shown to help reduce SIDS, so we should not simply disregard its use because we don't like the look of it...after all, who would say, I'd rather increase the chance of my child dying because I don't want them to look ugly?

So I'd be very cautious of disreagarding them as evil, I think they have use, but we should take care that they are not abused...

But this is true of everything, there are many things we like to use, such as TV and fire, but disapprove of the abuse of (sitting kids infront of the tv all day or setting fire to things randonly!) Personally, I feel dummies are no different... I approve of the use but am wary of the abuse!

As someone has mentioned previously I think you cannot critisise people for letting their children have a dummy.
My 21 month son has a dummy mostly at night time, but he is very clever and seems to find them all around the house, so sometimes has it during the day. If he is playing with a toy and is happy I take it away, as when it is 'out of sight, it is most deffinately out of mind'. I hope to wean him of the dummy sometime soon, especially at bedtime, but for the time being he is happy, contended, and adorable!!!