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Parenting

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Original poster

How do you deal with not loving your DC when they grow up?

71 replies

Veryveryverysad · 21/02/2010 20:51

I never really wanted children and got pregnant by accident and was in complete denial about this until six months into my pregnancy.

After that, I got a lot of help and support and, when my baby was born, fell instantly and totally in love with her. I adored her and was happier than I have ever been in my life. We had several wonderful years together.

However, now she is five years old and I don't love her anymore. I love the baby she was, but not the child she has become, and I hate having to bring her up and make her adapt to the world.

I want to leave her with her father and forget it all happened.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

belcantwait · 21/02/2010 21:00

omg i read the title and expected it to be from an older mum of a late teens but you r dd is five . feel very for you both actually, she still is a baby you know.

have you ever had depression? are you on your own with her or is her father around too?

Original poster

Veryveryverysad · 21/02/2010 21:03

I'm sorry, this post got posted twice as two separate OPs.

Yes, I have had quite long bouts of depression before now.

We live with my DD's father.

OP posts:

bluetits · 21/02/2010 21:03

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TotalChaos · 21/02/2010 21:05

speak to GP/HV/Surestart/whoever and get that help and support again to try and sort out your relationship with her.

Original poster

Veryveryverysad · 21/02/2010 21:05

I don't think she cares at all.

OP posts:

bluetits · 21/02/2010 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Veryveryverysad · 21/02/2010 21:11

Yes, her father loves her, though it is quite idealistic in that he doesn't do routine stuff with her at all.

She loves him and lots of other people - she is a very happy little girl with a lot of activities and friends.

OP posts:

squilly · 21/02/2010 21:12

Children at 5 don't show much in the way of emotion (well, mine never did). She's 9 now and is a very affectionate little girl. But sometimes she pushes my buttons and if she wasn't so affectionate, I'd struggle.

Take professional advice. Get as much help as you can.

My mum never really loved me (sounds harsh) but I was the last of 6 kids and she thought I was the menopause. So I was as welcome as a dose of clap at a whore house!

I never had a relationship with my mom til I got old enough to realise how tough she'd had it.

She died last week. I'd give anything to have had a relationship with her, so please...don't give up on your little girl, no matter how much it seems like she doesn't mind. She does.

bluetits · 21/02/2010 21:16

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nellie12 · 21/02/2010 21:22

The trouble with 5yo is that they appear not to care unless you are giving into them.

They have also got their own ideas about things and can generally be quite demanding. (although they do have lots of good points too.)

If you are the one doing all the practical parenting then it must be very demanding.

I would agree to getting help, I would also be thinking about making your dh do more of the routine stuff so that it is part of their routine. It makes your relationships more equal and means that you are not always playing bad cop.

Do you think you may have depression now?

And dont forget that no matter what you think she thinks, she does love you and is desperate for you to love her.

MrsPixie · 21/02/2010 21:25

I really think you need to talk to your DH about how you feel - then you need to get help from a healthcare professional. Quite urgently

Do you care about her wellbeing/ health?

Original poster

Veryveryverysad · 21/02/2010 21:27

Her father isn't really around enough to do routine stuff - he leaves for work before she is up for school and he gets home at around 8pm and often has other responsibilities to keep him busy after supper. And he needs to talk a lot to me.

He is very much a weekend father - he takes her out and about but never, ever does any of the routine stuff. He'll happily pay for it, but I have to do it.

OP posts:

Ewe · 21/02/2010 21:29

Is her father your partner?

Are you a SAHM?

snice · 21/02/2010 21:29

You sound more fed up with him than with your daughter tbh

Original poster

Veryveryverysad · 21/02/2010 21:30

Yes, no.

OP posts:

Maitri · 21/02/2010 21:31

Oh, veryveryverysad, my thoughts are with you. You must be finding this very difficult and it must have been a tough first step just to admit to this. There's so much pressure on mums to feel entirely in love with their children all the time and sometimes it can be very hard to withstand the pressure. Just feeling that pressure can be enough to make parents feel resentful and angry.

I have some professional experience of this (I'm a psychotherapist) and have heard of similar stories before. I would urge you, as have other posters, to seek some professional help via your GP. My experience has been that feelings of this kind are always mixed up with something outside our awareness - it could be a childhood experience of your own, for example, and with professional help your current feelings are likely to change positively.

You won't always feel like this - it will change and you and your little girl will be able to build a new relationship within which you can both be happy.

I wish you all the very best. x

nellie12 · 21/02/2010 21:33

You need to have a chat to him imo. He isn't being fair on you.

Having to work long hours is one thing but he still has a family at home and once home he should be taking part even if he finds the mundane stuff boring.

If your struggling atm (and we all do at some point) he needs to take up the slack - especially at the weekend when he is there.

Do you have any outside interests or work now that she's at school to distract you?

Ewe · 21/02/2010 21:36

Have you spoken to your partner about how you feel? What does he say/do to help?

I agree with others, call your GP tomorrow and book an appointment, say it's urgent so you're seen ASAP. Good luck, I personally think this is something that you can overcome and the sooner the better, hopefully your GP will provide you with the different help options you might need.

Original poster

Veryveryverysad · 21/02/2010 21:37

Thank you Maitri.

I am aware that my mother had a complicated relationship about letting her daughters go, and my sister has a similar complicated relationship about letting her daughter go. As a result of this, I have done my very utmost (from the outset) to ensure that my DD would go out into the world from a young age and socialise and enjoy all that the world has to offer, rather than smothering her and being resentful at her happiness in relationships with others, as my own mother was/is.

I've been quite successful - she is a very happy, outgoing little girl. But I didn't realise that my feelings for her would dry up like this when I see what she has become.

OP posts:

MrsPixie · 21/02/2010 21:42

What has she become vvvsad what do you mean when you say that? Do you mean independent - like she doesn't need you so much anymore as when she was a baby?

Original poster

Veryveryverysad · 21/02/2010 21:44

I just don't like the little girl. I adored the baby.

OP posts:

Original poster

Veryveryverysad · 21/02/2010 21:47

She's got a lot of her father in her.

OP posts:

bluetits · 21/02/2010 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

weegiemum · 21/02/2010 21:52

I don't know!!

My mother (I am sure) does not love me but I am 39 (have not spoken to her since I was 34) but I have big issues with your OP - my kids are 10, 8, 6 - and I cannot ever ever imagine not loving them.

Your dd, at 5, is still a "baby". My dd1, at 10, and dd2, at 6 is still a "baby". They cannot survive in the world without you - that make them babies (and I include in this my ds, 8).

You are in dire need of some serious help.

I say this cos my Mum left our family (with her lover, my Dad's best friend) when I was 12, my sister 10, my brother only 4) and we are all affected by it, to this day.

A child needs a mother. You need to be there for her. I am currently in some serious level psychotherapy once again for the breakup of my parent's marriage. You can' t imagine that leaving her now will not cause these kind of problems.

Get Help. NOW. Or (and I am not beng cruel here, just objective) - subject your child to years of bewilderment, pain, abandonment, crisis and fear.

Sorry, just my (and my family's) experience!

MrsPixie · 21/02/2010 21:54

I think you need to get professional help asap for this, I think you could be projecting feelings for your DH toward her. What you feel is more about you psychologically than your little girl and her character, you do know that?

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