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Parenting

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Original poster

How do you deal with not loving your DC when they grow up?

71 replies

Veryveryverysad · 21/02/2010 20:51

I never really wanted children and got pregnant by accident and was in complete denial about this until six months into my pregnancy.

After that, I got a lot of help and support and, when my baby was born, fell instantly and totally in love with her. I adored her and was happier than I have ever been in my life. We had several wonderful years together.

However, now she is five years old and I don't love her anymore. I love the baby she was, but not the child she has become, and I hate having to bring her up and make her adapt to the world.

I want to leave her with her father and forget it all happened.

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Original poster

Veryveryverysad · 21/02/2010 21:55

She prefers being with her father to being with me. They are much more similar.

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bluetits · 21/02/2010 22:01

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Original poster

Veryveryverysad · 21/02/2010 22:03

My DD and her father do lots of things together than I cannot do with them.

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Original poster

Veryveryverysad · 21/02/2010 22:04

I mean, I don't think she has anything in common with me at all.

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bluetits · 21/02/2010 22:09

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MrsPixie · 21/02/2010 22:09

but your her mum - she is only 5 you speak of her like she is much older you know

MarineIguana · 21/02/2010 22:10

This sounds really hard, and you wouldn't be posting if you thought it was all fine. You can't help how you feel and I don't agree with some of the posts that must make you feel even worse.

However remember that it is not your child's job to care about you - at 5 she needs to be cared for and cannot be expected to have developed that responsibility. Also, you don't like her and I actually that's probably more common than you'd think.

The problem is you not feeling the love you think you should and I'm sure your family background will have a huge amount to do with this, as you've mentioned, and your relationship with your partner as well. I think something like family therapy (you can go on your own) could help hugely.

Original poster

Veryveryverysad · 21/02/2010 22:11

I don't really want to give the details, I don't want to out myself on here.

She is very active and outdoorsy and sporty and mathematical and physically daring and courageous. They get up to lots of things that I cannot do (would make me ill).

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Givenchy · 21/02/2010 22:14

Bluetits - I think that you are being a little 'black and white' here. I have heard of people who don't love their children as they thought they would. It might not seem natural not to love a child that one has brought into the world, but it is possible.

VVVS - you sound very depressed to me. Your daughter does not sound unloveable from what you have posted. She sounds like a smart and sassy little girl. Could you have delayed shock from finding out that you were pg without wanting to be? Do you have many friends that you could socialize with occasionally? Are you in love with your partner, or do you think that some of the feelings come from not liking him very much?

Counselling would perhaps be good for you - you could work through why you feel this way.

Please know that your little girl WILL sense the lack of love. I did and it made a huge difference to my life. If my mum had got help at the time, things could have been so different.

Original poster

Veryveryverysad · 21/02/2010 22:15

The thing is, MarineIguana, she doesn't really want me to care for her. She takes the care I give when there is no-one else around, but the minute there is someone else around to give her what she needs she disappears.

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bluetits · 21/02/2010 22:16

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Givenchy · 21/02/2010 22:16

VVVS - maybe that is because you have made her into a happy, independent child. OR, she might subconsciously know how you feel.

Original poster

Veryveryverysad · 21/02/2010 22:17

Yes, Givenchy, I have plenty of friends - more than I can manage to keep up with, really. There is no shortage of people out there. I'd just rather be at home with my baby.

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Givenchy · 21/02/2010 22:18

You sound like you need to rediscover your own personality. Allow your dh to take over for a weekend and maybe spend some time doing things just for YOU.

Original poster

Veryveryverysad · 21/02/2010 22:19

She doesn't like the things I like doing. I'd love to lie in bed reading books to her or watching a DVD, or cooking. But she'd rather run around with a toy gun.

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bluetits · 21/02/2010 22:20

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Original poster

Veryveryverysad · 21/02/2010 22:20

I do get plenty of time to myself - I make sure I do. I don't think the problem is that I have lost my own personality - I have quite a distinct personality. It just is very, very different from my DD's.

It works for me and my DD's father as a couple relationship in that we are highly complementary. It doesn't work for me and my daughter.

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Givenchy · 21/02/2010 22:21

Children have their own personalities. H gets very bewildered with ds as he is a mini-me. H keeps saying 'Why did I get TWO of you?' Toy guns are not particularly nice, but my ds loves them too. They love being active and running around - you do need to let them do it. Does she like a story before bed? Could you put that aside as YOUR time?

Original poster

Veryveryverysad · 21/02/2010 22:23

She likes her father to read her bedtime story.

She likes her father to wash her hair and give her her bath.

She likes her father to take her to school.

Of course, I do those things far more often than he does, but she just puts up with me doing it.

OP posts:

Givenchy · 21/02/2010 22:23

'Sorry, but you that is a horrible thing to say that you don't like your 5yr old child.' I was referring to that comment - but it wasn't an attack on you.

SheWillBeLoved · 21/02/2010 22:24

She is only 5, she is very much still a baby her likes, dislikes, and personality will change so much before she fixes on ones that suit her. Please don't write her off because she isn't a mini you right now. Spend some time with her at weekends, get to know her. Have fun with her. You can't expect a child to compliment your personality when they are still trying to find their own.

Givenchy · 21/02/2010 22:25

VVVS - my ds loves his dad spending time with him BECAUSE he sees so much of him during the week. I don't get offended by it, but use the time to do things I love, like jewellery making. It is great now - ds is 8 and is very into the same things as h; top gear, swimming, computer games. It is bloody GREAT! They even had a holiday together last year.

nellie12 · 21/02/2010 22:29

Of curse she likes her father doing these things for her and looks excited about it because she doesn't see him much during the week.
I imagine him taking her to school is quite an event in her life - because he doesn't do it much.

It is also very normal at this age for girls to look as though they prefer their fathers and want to be his little girl .

this is normal child development.

She will (quite normally) want to spend more time with you when she is older.

Givenchy · 21/02/2010 22:30

Yes, when she wants to go clothes shopping, her dad will be dumped

Seriously, I do think that you are looking at this in a skewed way. Counselling would really help.

2old4thislark · 21/02/2010 22:35

I often felt like I was 'going through the motions' with my DD. She's quite complicated and she had to live though divorce and stepdad which didn't help. My Ds is pretty uncomplicated (typical male!) so is so much easier to love.

However I have tried to treat them equally and it has now paid off. My DD is my best friend and I dread the day when she moves out to live with her boyfriend as I know I will miss her! And, boy, have we had some difficult times!

I think you need help but I admire you for admitting how you feel.

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