How do you deal with not loving your DC when they grow up?

[Veryveryverysad]

I never really wanted children and got pregnant by accident and was in complete denial about this until six months into my pregnancy.

After that, I got a lot of help and support and, when my baby was born, fell instantly and totally in love with her. I adored her and was happier than I have ever been in my life. We had several wonderful years together.

However, now she is five years old and I don't love her anymore. I love the baby she was, but not the child she has become, and I hate having to bring her up and make her adapt to the world.

I want to leave her with her father and forget it all happened.

If you are depressed, which you might be, or just because of these feelings, she may be getting a sense of that from you and along with they way you've helped her to be independent, she doesn't rely on you.

That must be difficult but it doesn't mean you can't make progress. Try talking to GP or looking for a private counsellor. You might be depressed and not realise it and things could really be turned around.

So sad for you both - it must be horrible to feel this way about your child.

Is there any common ground with her that you can find? Maybe if there is something that the two of you can enjoy together you may find you enjoy her company.

I do know both my DC would rather do stuff with DH just cos I'm there all the time so get taken for granted sometimes.

Please seek some help for this - it would be so sad for you both to miss out on the wonderful mother daughter relationship.

VVVS I really feel for you and your dd. It cannot be easy for you to feel the way you do, and you are aware of this. If you really deep down did not love your dd, you wouldn't be posting on here. You wouldn't be opening yourself up to advice and/or criticism. You wouldn't be reaching out.

It sounds (imho) that you miss the dependence of a baby that you no longer have due to the independence you fostered in your darling daughter. Your situation is not simple enough for the comments on mumsnet to help purposefully. You must absolutely must speak to your gp or as a start call parentline 0808 800 2222 . You can call them anytime they are open 24/7 and it is free from landlines.

What I will say (which a number of the posters have already said) is she will appear to prefer her father for the simple reason that he is not there as much. I'm sure if you ask any single parent they will tell you their child is the same. Mummy does/buys something its fine, absent daddy does/buys something it's the best thing in the world. I have a friend who's dd has never even seen her father and yet cries and says she wants to go and live with him when she gets into trouble. Your little girl loves you, and is nowhere near close enough to be able to manage without you. Her relationship with you is vital to sustaining relationships when she gets older (as you are manifesting now).

Please don't feel bad about yourself, this is something you can't control, you absolutely need help to sort it out and if you don't go out and ask for it, things will not change, and if your daughter doesn't already sense how you feel, she soon will.

My DS was adopted so he looks nothing like me, he is a completely different personality to me, he likes completely different things to me. But you can find something that you both enjoy - I have.

The best piece of advice I was given was "Fake it and the rest will follow". It worked.

I do agree though that you need professional help. Attachment problems are not uncommon but falling out of love with a 5 year old is not normal.

On the surface it sounds very much like you loved her when she was dependent on you but now that she is more independent you are struggling to deal with it. Like her growing independence and similarity to your DH is a slight to you.

The way you talk about her is odd IMO, you talk like she is a rational adult and making choices consciously.

The more I read your posts the more I am sure that you need some professional help for your daughters sake if not for yours.

'I don't think she cares at all'

Of course she does....and in a few years time, when she realises that there is no love there, she will be devastated. It is very important that you find help to get you both through this.

My mother never loved me, never told me, never showed me. It still affects my relationships now & it is very hard to understand & to come to terms with, even at 36!

maybe she appears not to care because it hasn't yet occured to her that you don't love her? Most 5 year olds expect unconditional love form their parents which is one of the reason why they can behave so badly, because they "know" you will still love them.

I think you do love your daughter - but you sound a bit depressed tbh and a bit jealous that your DD has so much in common with others.

All I can say is that you should be proud of yourself that you've raised a daughter who can relate easily and well to other people.

And don't be surprised or feel rejected when your DD has different interests to those you might enjoy yourself. She's a different person, after all. Look for the common ground. She might not enjoy a DVD any more than you might not enjoy running around with a toy gun. But keep looking - walks with dogs, petting farms, kite flying, swimming - none of those involve any physical daring and IME all 5 year olds love them ... And when she gets older you can hit the shops together, and share make-up and shoes and stuff. S'good.

just one quick point to make... my dd always wants her dad to do everything when he's around, this is because he's not around as much as me and he is fun and different, so it doesn't mean your dd 'puts up' with you doing things, she just likes the change if her dad can do it once in a while

on another note, maybe its because she has picked up on the fact that you don't like her? kids are not stupid and she may realise that her dad enjoys doing these things whereas you don't?

'She takes the care I give when there is no-one else around, but the minute there is someone else around to give her what she needs she disappears'

Because, even at 5 she knows how you feel about her. She needs to be with people who love her, so she rejects you the minute there is someone else around.

The trouble is, that this can manifest itself in many ways as she gets older. Moving on from one thing to another to find love.....

Very sad.

Erm, if you're a stay at home parent that she gets to see 24-7 then OF COURSE she's going to gravitate towards someone different when they show up - don't think that she doesn't love you because she does that.

I'm so sorry, Veryveryverysad, you sound so very low and at rock bottom.

As has been suggested, it seems as though there might be things happening in other areas of yourr life which affect the way you interact and feel about your daughter. It sounds as though things are rather strained with your partner, and perhaps there are other difficulties with family or work?

Counselling can be a very good starting point for working out what the issues are. and why you feel so awful. Sometimes it's astonishing to work out that the real problem has little to do with the part you are focusing on.

Also, it's worth remembering that you are a parent for eighteen years (well, for life, but you know what I mean). No-one loves every stage of parenthood and finds some parts more rewarding or more difficult than others. Personally speaking, I hated the 6 - 18 months stage and felt like a really crappy mother who was snappy and impatient all the time. But then he hit the next stage and I enjoyed it much more.

However, I am aware that this is not necessarily a permanant state of affairs. He'll have other stages and some will be easier for me than others. I'm not really looking forward to the tweenie stage for example, but reckon teenage years will be good. It's very personal.

Finally, do you look after yourself? Emotionally, I mean? Do you give yourself time for socialising and other interests? It's easy to become resentful of how draining and demanding children can be when it feels as though you never get anything for yourself.

You're in my thoughts. I wish I could do something to help. Please keep talking to us on here even if you do nothing else. No-one is judging you.

agree with quattro - hasn't it ever been thus? You are with them all the time, you clean up poo and sick, you put the plasters on when they fall - then dad comes home from work and you don't get a look in.

i remember my mum telling me that it pissed her off - and it pissed me off too.

i think that you need to redefine your identity. maybe take up a career once more albeit part time. if your identity was wrappedup in motherhood - this is a simple identity whenthey are babies, babies need you, they care cute - you do a hard job all day.

but when they become school age, i thinkits almost harder to justify that identity because of the childs independence.

i hope that makes sense

I would agree with others in that it sounds like you miss the dependance that DD had on you as a baby. It sounds like you have done a fantastic job of raising her to be confident and independant, which appears to be coming across as she doesn't need you anymore. She does need you very much. I have a 5 year old too, she is very confident, at this age they are unable to recognise that a mums job is anything other than the one who does all of the routine mundane stuff, as mums we don't get any thanks or appreciation for it until we grow up and do it for our own DC's, then we realise the hard work our own mums put in. It is unrealistic to expect 'reward' for our work as mums other than seeing our children grow into independent beings. Try to reconnect with your daughter and find something that she will enjoy doing with you rather than assuming that the activities that dad has to offer are better. Even better find something that you all enjoy as a family. You will then find the connection and enjoy time together and realise that the love is still very much there. Get help and support. Talk to DH. Take care and good luck.

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this ,vvvsad.
Do you think that you have come up against the difference between what you imagined/expected your DD would be like and what she actually is like? This may not be at all how you feel but my DD is very different to me (I am skipping over those "well,you are both women ,you can do girly things together" comments -she is girly and I most definately am not,the thought of girly stuff - ugh!)
I went through a stage when I realised that I had an imaginary child - "what my little girl will be like" - in my head,and DD wasn't that child.So I had to come to terms with the fact that I'd lost that idea of what the mother daughter relationship would be like,cos that wasn't going to be how DD and I were.
It wasn't that I didn't love her,it was that this wasn't what I expected! And it can be hard to feel left out in your own family.

I agree with everyone who's said the fact that she wants to do things with her Dad sounds entirely normal.

Is there anything that you think you'd enjoy doing with her? If you can find something that you both enjoy,however small or silly,it might help you to realise that even though she is very different to you she does still need you very much,and you can enjoy being her mother.And some ages are easier than others - as she gets older whole new areas that you do share may appear.

I think notanumber makes a good point - we don;t all enjoy every phase of parenting equally. I was far less good at the dependent baby phase than I am at the talking four year old phase. It plays to my strengths better.

How are you feeling today VVVS?

Can you not imagine being 5 again and how it would feel for your mum to not love you or care about you?

I don't get this at all but I know you must have a problem. Get help as im sure you will feel better for it. The alternative is too cruel.

I've read the whole thread, and I'm curious - are you going to seek some professional help, as everyone has suggested?

i wonder whether you are feeling somewhat rejected by your little girl and that perhaps this feeling is too much for you to bear and therefore you reject her back to protect yourself.

i do think it is extremely hard to be the primary carer and do all of the routine, mundane and at times downright difficult bits only to have the other parent swoop in for all the fun bits and for them to be totally worshipped and adored.

good luck to you, it sounds like a very sad and difficult situation to be in.

How are you doing, Veryveryverysad?

You've taken the first step in articulating how you're feeling on here - well done.

But don't feel that you have to hide away now because some advice has been given. Lots of it has been excellent, but clearly you're not going to feel ok overnight just because you've been pointed in the direction of some help.

No-one thinks that they have "solved" things for you so you should just leave the thread. Talking (even anonymously on an internet forum) is often the best therapy.

We're listening. You're not being judged.