does everyone on mn have a "method"?

[alhambra]

the pasta "method" has had a lot of mn publicity recently, I think it's cool but I don't like the idea of giving money for good behaviour, even derisory amounts like 2p. I'm really intrigued about what other "methods" mumsnetters use, as I am shopping around for a nonmaterialistic but firm one I can use.....does such a one exist? At the moment I'm losing, as I keep using idle threats and shouting, which may be non materialistic, but is a)ineffectual and b) damaging........

I think this is a fantastic idea and Hermione1 was talking about this with some others on her thread and may even try it myself........I do not have any other method at the mo apart from like you said idle threats and shouting so would be good to give this a try

No method at all. Never used a reward system.

So what then hercules? How do you maintain boundaries, reward/veto behaviour? please tell!

have a piece of ppeper on the fridge with the week and their names, their pocket money amount next to it. Any bad behaviour like being nasty to siblings gets 20p off immediately, I go out of my way to encourage them to get it back by being nice doing a chore a day for 20 mins.

For good behaviour they don't necessarily get monet but if they have been very good, we have a trip to the local country park with a picnic, have a trip to the flumey swimming pool which is a bit too expensive for every day/every w/e, or I will let them have a story and I will play/spend more time with them, make a cake or something. A good idea this thread is as there is so much we do to not encourage good behaviour sometimes and it has got me thinking too.

no me neihter
they just obeyt he fish

Only have one child! Ds was an only child for 8 years so had no one to argue with. The age gap is so large between him and dd there is no competition.

Now my db and me were only 1 year apart and argued like cat and dog. My dm never did any sort of system.

At the moment, ds gets a go on the computer if he is good, and loses it for (warned) misbehaviour. Things like staying in bed, doing as he's told straight away etc.

leonardo, I love the great rewards you have for being good,they are wonderful,and I totally agree with that, but I have a problem with the money/behaviour equation and the chores to make it up bit - how is doing a chore a compensation say for hitting your sister, or calling your granny a wan*er?? Oh, I'm searching, searching, there must be a method out there for me!

ABC
A antecedents (what is causing the behaviour)
B behaviour- what happens
C consequecnes- how can I reduce the likelihood of it happpening again.

Ds1 is severely autistic and I tend to deal with challenging behaviour using the above. Often it means ignoring (but in a way that he knows he's being ignored) the behaviour. Shouting means he's more lilkely to do it again.

For ds2 I can usually talk him round. Or I give him "bad choices" so "apple or nothing" for example. Naughty step for standoffs.

ds3 only 6 months but is shaping up to be a horror.

jj
ds3

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

jimjams much rispeck for you with autistic older son and TWO OTHERS omg. How does ABC actually work, are you supposed to learn to spot the antecedents?

use the pasta but substitute it for something else such as reading time or going to the library time - whatever means you are withdrawing your attention.

draw up a clear list
1 pasta = no bedtime story
2 pasta = no pudding
etc
and 6 pasta = 2 stories or 10 mins extra until bedtime
7 extra = trip to library

or you could just use it as time so each psta = 10 minutes either off bedtime or added to usual bedtime

so if you really really good you get to stay up an extra half hour if each pasta = 5 minutes

god am such a gina - i never did anything like what i have jsut suggested, i used the do as i say or go to your room method of parenting - and i stuck by it.

I can usually work it out alhambra. So for example he started to strip off - wanting a reaction from me. I put him in his room, then he started weeing (again seeking a reaction). So then as soon as he stripped off he was taken to the toilet and dressed again. Finally we got there and it dooesn;t happen now- but any reaction from me - shouting- wham bam ha ha ha lots of laughing from him and the behaviour is aorund for another week.

At the moment he;s pouring water out of cup everywhere. That's harder to deal with as he's encouraged to pour water at school, and he enjoys watching the water fall out of the cup. So he's not doing tio wind me up. All I'm doing is saying "no pouring" "naughty" and watching him with cups.

If he's doing something compulsively (eg trying to get into next door) then I warn him beforehand that he won't be allowed to and stick to a very set routine- he responds well to that.

Pinching his brothers- sometimes because they're too close, normally to make them scream so he can see inside their mouths (!!!) So if he does it for the secon reason then I make sure he doesn;t get to see inside their mouths and deal quite calmly with him. If its the first reason I give him some space. Different consequences for different triggers.

(BTW we didn't know he was severely autistic when ds2 was born- if we had he might not have ever existed )

no method .. mixture of pleas, shouts and occasional totally bizarre behaviour seems to get the action I want .. unless of course its actually 'going to sleep'

i think 'idle threats and shouting' is a long overdue parenting programme

jimjams, sorry to intrude but just to say - six months! has that seemed fast to you? i remember the first thread i read of yours being the one when you were off to visit your inlaws while pregnant...

acnebride. It has shot by. I can't believe my little lastborn (no way am I dong that again) is now 6 months. DS2 still calls him "my new baby" though.

At the moment I'm using the 'falling about laughing' method, I expect I'm storing up future trouble for myself. ds is only 13 months so I use the 'mother's no' (falling pitch to start with, rising at the end, up to 4 syllables). He still does what he's been told not to, but sings my 'no' while doing it, completely with Dublin accent.

For good behaviour - lots of praise, delight, and random rewards. So she's not earning a reward by being doing something specifically good - because I think she should be good because you should be good! But sometimes I will say "wow it was lovely the way you did xxx, lets go swimming" or whatever. And talking about emotions seems to work - particularly "when you throw a tantrum about leaving the swings, it makes mummy not want to bring you here again" .

For bad behaviour - serious eye-to-eye chats on the stairs about whatever it was ("that is naughty/unkind etc and it makes {whoever} feel ...). And standing in the corner till the kitchen timer pings. (standing facing corner miraculously worked where sitting on naughty step didn't). Also like Sobernow, I do "if you behave like that we will stop doing what we're doing and go do something more boring instead".

Also I find that very descriptive praise/telling off works ("you did this and it was kind/helpful/wrong/mean" instead of "good girl/naughty girl").

And letting her accept the consequences of her behaviour. eg if I ask her to get her shoes on to go out and she ignores me, then we don't go and may miss whatever we were going to. Or if she is throwing something around, I consficate it. Or if she won't tidy her toys, I tell her that anything I have to tidy up is getting tidied into my wardrobe and won't come out tomorrow.

Alhambra, how old are your kids? Dd is 3; mostly we have obedience issues, she's not up to calling her granny a w*nker yet .

I like all these, they are great. Custardo that pasta method sounds way too scientific and calibrated to me but thank you anyway! Jimjams, totally in awe of method. I like the idea of the falling about laughing method - but I am normally in such a foul mood by this point that I roll about shrieking and dribbling instead. I have a 6 and a 4, dds, and the 6 is being particularly difficult at the moment - but from what I read on mn, this is pretty common.

I think you just need a react before fuming more often than not method. That's why I use the pasta thing at the moment. It helps me to keep calm when I am feeling escalating irritation and the normal non-formal "give it a rest, son" doesn't work.