'you need him (ds) more than he needs you' (probably going to be long)

[stottiecake]

This is what my friend told me this morning.
Along with 'you have over bonded'
And the reason my dh doesn't do a great deal of the hands on stuff is because I make him feel like he is doing a shit job.
And my OCDs (which I believed have gone away since having ds - no time to entertain them ) have actually manifested themselves in other ways resulting in me needing my boy more than him me. Apparently.

This observation has left me feeling very fragile. My ds is nearly 15 months old. I still breastfeed him, we co-sleep, I am a sahm.

We had a rocky start. I possibly had pnd but wasn't really helped by dr (she directed me to a website)

It is a really long story. I think ds was/ is what I've seen described as a high needs baby. He has tongue-tie. bf-ing was a struggle. Never took a bottle. Screamed in his pram. Wouldn't sleep anywhere other than on me. He was probably in pain from his delivery but I didn't know it. We away from home for the first 6 months of his life, no close friends or family near by.

Now he is nearly 15 months. He is a joy - hard work but wonderful.

I feel, for me, that I have had 18 years growing up, another 18 years partying and I can now spend the next 5 years being a mum.

So. A rant. Thank you for reading. Ithas been good to get off my chest (I'm not very good at standing up for myself)

p.s my friend has 2 children and parents them differently.

If your happy, DS is happy and your DP is happy then your friend really has no business saying this.

Parenting is such an emotive issue and everyone always thinks their way is the best. Maybe she feels threatened by your closeness to your DS, maybe she thought she was helping? I would say that you should try and ignore this comment and carry on with your DS as you were.

She's a friend and presumably cares about you.

Could there be any truth in what she's saying?

"I feel, for me, that I have had 18 years growing up, another 18 years partying and I can now spend the next 5 years being a mum."

This, for example, seems kind of weird to me. You'll be a mum for the rest of your life, but why the need to devote the next x number of years to it?

I'm also not sure I buy the whole "high-needs baby" thing. All babies are "high needs" (if you must use such a ridiculous piece of jargon), people just respond differently to those needs.

"Maybe she feels threatened by your closeness to your DS"

PMSL

Yes, or maybe she's just jealous

Come on, where's the threat to anyone in their friend's "closeness" to their child?

skidoodle - yes, threatened probably wasn't the right word, jealous is probably more like it.

You're completely right. It sounds childish when I read it back. I just never realised how strongly people feel about parenting. I am one of the last of my friends to have kids. I don't believe I ever commented about their parenting choices. I just feel a bit attacked.

Everyone "parents" in their own way. Your LO is still a baby. If your friend has older DC, she may have seen other children struggle to assert their independence because they are so much the centre of their parents' (and, typically, especially mother's) worlds - I know I have, and it feels like it should be avoidable.

So - FWIW - IMO - you are probably fine for now but may want to think about how you are going to make sure your DS learns to be himself as he gets older.

The 5 years thing - sahm before they (hopefully will have another child sometime soon) go to school. Then I will look at college, rebooting my career. My choice.

'high needs' Do see your point.

Thanks for responses.

I would have to disagree with skidoodle
there ARE high needs babies ime
and some people ARE a little threatened by different styles of parenting to their own
I think that other people's opinions are really irrelevant. your baby, your business.
try and adopt this attitude when other people try to impose their thoughts on you:

I do need to work on the 'serene indifference.' I just agreed with her and then felt inadequate after. So I came here for a bit of a moan because I can't say it out loud!

Will so work on the serene indifference tomorrow though!

oh there are DEFINITELY high needs babies. my friend has one, he was a gorgeous lad but it was like his nerve endings were nearer the surface and he took a lot of mothering to keep him safe and well. anyway, he's coolio now, aged four, but it was tough going when he was a baby.

the reason you feel attacked is because, well, your friend attacked you. i'd definitely go with serene indifference. hum 'blame it on the boogie' loudly in your head. or 'rockin robin' or 'abc'. i find any jackson 5 stuff works well for the drowning out.

and HELLLOOOOO harpsi.

another good tactic for dealing with the kind of crap that people try and pass on to you is to (metaphorically) imagine you are chucking it over your shoulder and into a big skip behind you.
does that make any sense?
usually, almost always, when people say this kind of stuff, it is about THEM and their issues, and not about you at all.
ime
you sound like a great mum.

(wotcha H )

Actually, thinking back I am sure people thought I was way over the top with DD. But I tell you what, she was a bloody screaming nightmare who took a lot of parenting.

She is now 4.4, is confident, happy, lively and great. SHe is still a handful but I am sure that my possible 'overparenting' has helped her be the great kid she is today.

I think your friend was being quite rude. You look after your DS the way he needs to be looked after. She looks after hers the way they need to be looked after. He is 15 mths old - he can probably wait a bit to be independent.

My first child was easy. I expect i used not to believe there was such a thing as a high needs baby. (I hope I never said so out loud though!!) Then I had dd2 and now I believe some babies are high needs! Your ds sounds like my dd2.
Your friend is being ridiculous to suggest you need your ds more than he needs you. He is 15 months old. You are everything to him and that's how it should be. You haven't over bonded. (WTF does that mean?) There is nothing wrong with bfing and co sleeping. Wasn't sure what you meant by spending "the next 5 years being a mum." Was that a typo? You're planning on being his mum a lot longer than that right?

oh! thanks so much. I needed that. That's just what I needed.
Thank you.

Sometimes, if people tell you you're doing it wrong enough, you begin to wonder if they're right. And I was feeling shaky!

p.s we did blw and ds has multiple allergies and it was brill!!

I know people say this all the time, but try to enjoy this time. it goes so quickly! he will be at school in the twinkling of an eye.
oh and at "over-bonded"... er, what??

Sorry Mango I certainly hope I will be a mum for a lot longer (doesn't bear thinking about) No I meant 'just' being a mum. I didn't want to write 'just' though. Exclusively. Not working. We are not rich, not on benefits, we rent, just enough to get by. Might manage a holiday on the yorkshire coast if we're lucky!
Mycat.. your dd sounds fab!

Are you in the NE btw? Hiya to another regional food named mnetter

Harpsi I was thinking that this evening (lying in the dark bf-ing to sleep!) It is only a short time. I can't be got back (nice sentence ) I haven't googled 'over bonded'.... but I might

I don't think you can OVER-bond with a 15mo- can you? If he was 15 years old, I could maybe see her point!

Of course all children are different, even individual children are different at different stages. What she is maybe trying to say is that he is your whole life atm- but that's ok too! It's taken me 6 years and 3 children to start emerging from the mummy-fugue and think about what I am going to do with myself when youngest goes to pre-school nursery next year!

I say parent the way your gut/ heart/ child dictates and try not to take offence at the myriad of people who will tell you you are doing it wrong!

it not I

but it can't though, that's the truth. i am absolutely horrified at the fact that dd1 is four, and am consequently clinging onto 18 month old dd2 and babying her to within an inch of her life.