'you need him (ds) more than he needs you' (probably going to be long)

[stottiecake]

This is what my friend told me this morning.
Along with 'you have over bonded'
And the reason my dh doesn't do a great deal of the hands on stuff is because I make him feel like he is doing a shit job.
And my OCDs (which I believed have gone away since having ds - no time to entertain them ) have actually manifested themselves in other ways resulting in me needing my boy more than him me. Apparently.

This observation has left me feeling very fragile. My ds is nearly 15 months old. I still breastfeed him, we co-sleep, I am a sahm.

We had a rocky start. I possibly had pnd but wasn't really helped by dr (she directed me to a website)

It is a really long story. I think ds was/ is what I've seen described as a high needs baby. He has tongue-tie. bf-ing was a struggle. Never took a bottle. Screamed in his pram. Wouldn't sleep anywhere other than on me. He was probably in pain from his delivery but I didn't know it. We away from home for the first 6 months of his life, no close friends or family near by.

Now he is nearly 15 months. He is a joy - hard work but wonderful.

I feel, for me, that I have had 18 years growing up, another 18 years partying and I can now spend the next 5 years being a mum.

So. A rant. Thank you for reading. Ithas been good to get off my chest (I'm not very good at standing up for myself)

ButterPie I am in Yorkshire but my dh is from the NE originally and calls ds stottiecake! I did not know what a butter pie is but I do now and they look fab!

no, it can't be got back, and that's for sure
I have a four yo and a six yo and WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN!!??
where did those little babies go?
you have a close relationship with your baby, and this will form the kind of bond that can't be broken, that you will look back in years to come with such pride and happiness.
you can't be too close to a baby, you can't give a baby too much love

I was expecting you to be the weepy mother of a ten year old who would like to FINALLY like to go to the toilet on her own in a restaurant (yes, visiting uncle and auntie, I'm looking at YOU)

But FGS, he's a baby!

I am the youngest of 3 (4 years between each of us) and I think I got a bit of extra babying! Am really close to my mum so it can't be a bad thing!

Was she criticising your parenting choices or trying to draw your attention to ways in which existing mental health problems might be manifesting themselves in the way you relate to your child?

You know you're going to get loads of sympathy on mn for supposed criticism over breastfeeding and co-sleeping, but I'm not sure that's what this conversation was really about.

Harpsi That is exactly what I think. I am hoping that he will feel secure enough to try whatever he wants when the time comes- a strong foundation to leap from and go forth into the world But as he's my first I don't know what I'm doing!!!!
I was kind of working on the idea you surely can't love them too much (back to 'over-bonding?)

Oh tell her to 'snout out'

Silly intefering cow.

skidoodle, high need babies most certainly do exist. Dr Sears has 8 children and when he had his 4th, he and his wife realised she was different to their previous three. She was much more sensitive. He now has a chapter in his book devoted to parents of high-need babies and he thoroughly regrets not taking parents of high need babies seriously.
My first was high need, very high need. My second is the opposite.
OP, your friend is narrow minded and she is trying to make herself feel better about her own choices by putting your choices down. I personally think your choices are perfect and that you are doing a great job. Its fantastic that you managed to continue breastfeeding despite your babies tongue problems

If she's right that you are obsessive about his care to an extent that your dh feels pushed out and unable to bond with his child, then your son is missing out.

skidoodle, this thread is for support. It is clear that the "friend" has no interest in the mental well being of the OP. From the beginning of the thread you have jumped on the OP in much the same way her "friend" did.

Can I ask you if you co-slept with your babies?

Skidoodle, how long did you breastfeed for?

If the DH feels "pushed out", he needs to grow up.

Your friend sounds very unsupportive. Ignore her, honestly, 15 months is not too long to be breastfeeding for example, and i know several people who co-sleep with their 2 year olds and those with older children who did who have happy well adjusted children and parents.

Carry on as you want to raising your children, and enjoy how you do it, it is about your and your children's happiness, not right for your friend maybe, but it is for you.

I would like to think i will be bf'ing DS until he is past 12 months.

My ds3 was a baby that had more needs - he slept only 3 hours out of 24 he was only content to be with me ....hes now 9 and we are still v close - not bcos we 'overbonded' but bcosthats his character.

I love ds1 & 2 the same but they were easier babies in a sense.

Skidoodle ach. Yes. Absolutely. Bit of both probably. She is probably worried that I am not seeing enough people and consequently this is affecting ds negatively.

But I am very very grateful for support over bf-ing and co-sleeping. I have never needed to ask for it but needed it today. Noone I know (friends) in rl understands or has experience of co-sleeping and noone I know has bf past 6 months. Subsequently I suppose I have distanced myself a little from the judgyness (is that a word?)

sorry - x posts! Need to go back and read

dd2 is in our bed right now. dh firmly of the opinion that it brings us all closer rather than pushing us apart. dd1 is often in here too. my god, he says, we will MISS them when they are too big to want to squeeze in with us.

I didn't say they didn't exist. I'm just a little sceptical of a diagnosis of "high needs" by a mother of one with OCD and a friend who thinks there may be a problem.

If mn posters are a representative sample and their diagnoses accurate then 95.27% of babies are high needs.

skidoodle Dh and ds have an immense bond! A total pleasure to experience
He is very supportive. And I am very lucky!

Thanks so much for all messages. Ds is stirring and I think I'm going to have to go and resettle/ go to bed.

Thanks again

From the minute you heard the words "over bonded" with regard to your baby you should have stopped listening to her. Does your dh feel that he's missing out on bringing up the baby? That's the only thing I'd try to find out if there's any truth in. By speaking to the dh, not her. She should butt out.

Se's a silly interfering arse. Pay no mind to her wittering.

Over-bonded indeed....

I breastfed my first baby for 14 months, although what that has to do with anything I fail to see.

You can have no idea of whether this friend meant to be supportive.

Just because so many people on mn are chippy about really uninteresting and non-controversial ways of feeding their babies and getting them to sleep doesn't mean anyone who has concerns about a mother who does these things is wrong. It is far from clear that feeding and sleeping were even part of the reason for the expressed concern.

Just because the op clearly came on looking to be told that she is completely right and her friend is just jealous doesn't mean that's all she's going to hear here on the open Internet.

Sometimes dads feel pushed out when everything they try to do with their own baby is critised for not being good enough. That is something the mother needs to grow up and stop doing.

aaah, skidoodle. you had me until 'grow up'.

I felt really for you Stottie, that you should even question yourself as a parent because of your friends comments.

You are programmed to want to attend to the needs of your baby, and all they need and want is you.

People parent in different ways, you should direct your friend to MN to have a nosy around.