Can I lock the door at night?

[conkeyhead]

Hi

I wonder if I can have some help with an arguement my husband and I are having. We have DS 2yrs who has been in his big boys bed now for a couple of weeks and after some problems we've basically got him to stay in the room when he goes to bed by jamming a chair under his door. Not as awful as it sounds; he seems to test the door and go straight back to bed and then to sleep which saves us up to 3 hours of standing outside the door whilst he keeps appearing.

I have been removing the chair once he's asleep as to me, it seems completely wrong to leave him locked in his room!! However, he's started waking slightly early (not horribly early just earlier than we get up or than he used to) and coming in to our room wanting cuddles and into our bed.

My husband thinks we should leave the chair there all night and that he would do the same thing in the morning - check the door and go back to bed.

I can't imagine being able to sleep if I thought one of my babies was locked in their room. I worry about fire, or other emergencies (can't actually think of any at this minute - earthquake??!).

I think the fact that he comes out of his room and straight into ours is a good thing (he was all over the house at one point!) and I think that if my son has a need, it's my job to meet it! Not, jam his door shut and roll over and go back to sleep? But I also realise it's my job to teach him good habits!

Am I being precious?

Is it even legal to lock your children in their rooms whilst you sleep?

Any thoughts would be gratefully recieved. I do realise whatever we do it's just a phase and we'll be on to the next thing soon, but I wouldn't mind being able to quote a few people when it arises again this evening!

thanks

does anyone actually read the OP's anymore or do people just fill in the gaps with their imagination?

Why on Earth are you wedging the door shut with a chair in the first place? Go & get yourself a stair gate. It serves exactly the same purpose but is safer & less, well less mean! Much better for DS and for you as you can both see & hear each other.

I'm really quite taken a back by the whole chair wedging the door shut

Noise from other DC would wake mine up or keep them awake if I didn't shut the door. Even if there were no other DC, I would have to tiptoe around like a mouse if toddler's door left open. I can't physically do it.... OH, and it would make the children's rooms colder since hallway is unheated.

I struggle to understand why a stairgate in the doorway (or even child stuck in cot they can't get out of) is somehow so much better than chair under doorknob.

We used to live in a house with very high 1930s door handles, too. Actually, DD couldn't open most the doors (ordinary height doorknobs) in our current house until she was 4yo. I never realised before that this was some huge act of negligence on my part.

Message denied by Mumsnetter.

Don't think people are at doors being closed to the little ones bedroom - fairly normal I would've thought. I think the concern is more that the OP jams a door against it to keep it shut, in other words the child is effectively locked in. Again it takes perseverance to teach them to sleep in their own rooms/beds but worth it in the end.

Lock your dp in the bedroom for 12 hrs overnight by putting a chair under the door handle and see how he feels about it then....

I don't understand why its acceptable to do something to a child which would not be acceptable for an old person or someone else.

Would he do this to his mother?

I don't get it.

Just had another thought- does the OP have a baby monitor on? My 2yo is still in a cot, and hasn't (yet) learned to climb out, but I have the baby monitor on, and so wake up each morning to "MUMMY- I'M AWAKE! COME GET ME!" bellowed through the monitor beside the bed. So even is he was locked in (which he isn't, I promise!!) I can still be alert to him without a stair gate etc, and he knows I will come when he calls (slave to his every whim that I am!)

IMO being able to hear the child, and having him know you can hear him and will respond is more important than door open/ closed/ locked, is it not?

We have a stairgate on DD1's door that lifts off completely in case of emergency. She has SNs and no sense of danger (she is 4.2), and can't open it. But I remember when she was about 2.3 seeing her face through the bannister on the stairs - she had managed to squeeze underneath

DS is also two, also in a big bed and also took a while to get used to it.
There is a stairgate over his door.
OP, your job is to teach him how to feel comfortable in his own room, and you won't do this by terrifying him. There are loads of things you could try. Gradual withdrawal? Patience? We have a lumilove nightlight, a ceiling light projector and we are currently bribing him with stickers to go to sleep (successfully).
The mornings are another matter of course - he wakes between 4-5 every day, but he comes into bed with us and we are gradually persuading him that get up time is not until the alarm clock says 6.
It is a phase, it is normal, but what your other half is suggesting is outdated, shows no understanding of the psychology of a toddler and is not based in love.

When DD went into a bed she had a stair gate at the door. She did fall asleep at the gate a couple of times but I just put her back to bed when I went up.

I found out a few months later that she actually slept better with the door closed. She could open it still, but it was less light and less noise for her.

Now ds' room door gets closed on a night too.

Would never ever ever even consider locking them in though.

Conkeyhead, I would let your DS FREE....
free to wake up at night, free to come to your room.
It is only a matter of time, in a while she will sleep all might long without disturbing you... pls be patient

No way do I think it's ok to trap a child in a room for any amount of time!
Would you like to be locked in a room all night? How can you do something to a very small child you wouldn't like have happen to you?

My ds1 creeps into our bed in the mornings. If it is before 5am, I just pick him up and put him back into bed.
Our dc's need us to teach them what is expected, not force them.

And for the poster that asked what the difference was about putting a child in a cot they can't get out of against closing a door they can't open, my answer would be that I put my ds2 in a cot for his safety, not my convenience or because I don't want to spend the evening putting him back into bed everytime he gets up. That's the difference, a cot is for safety

My MIL likes to boast that she used to tie DP to his cot when he was small. She is always careful to explain that he could still roll over - just not stand up. He developed an attachment to the frayed harness she used to lash him in, used to wrap it round his thumb before going to sleep and suck it, and called it his 'belty'
I was very when I first heard this. Swiftly followed by DP is a lot older than me though, so his mum could be my gran. Different generation and all that, I suppose.

And no, I wouldn't lock a child in their room. Even if you spend a hellish week teaching him, he needs to learn and not be forced.

OP, I have been in the same situation. My dd2 was settled in her big bed but after a few weeks decided that going to bed wasn't her thing. She would get out of bed and come downstairs purely because she could. We put a stairgate up- a heavy sprung metal one that I have a job to open one handed- she opened it. So for a few days I jammed a shoe between the stairgate and the door handle.
As soon as she tried the door and found she couldn't get out she went back to bed- there was no fun to be had.
As soon as she was asleep I removed the shoe, and after a few days of it she stayed in bed without trying the door.
We tried repeatedly putting her back in bed before we tried the shoe- it resulted in lots of screaming. Jamming the handle didn't; she simply got back in bed and went to sleep (I would listen at the door).

OP, it is necessary to understand what is important for your baby here.

IMO every parent should respond and be accessible to their children. In your case you are not being accessible by locking the door. I assume you atleast respond to him when he does get up in the middle of the night for something? Likely that you cant hear him call out unless you have a baby monitor? Locking them may not be mean (especially since so many of us do it without even realizing it!) ... but not responding IS!

The best thing to do is to respond to your child and be persistent about the bed time rules. So if he does get up, put him back to bed. Or if you find that hard work, have a medium to atleast talk to him whenever he gets up and assure him you are there but that he would have to get back to bed (a stair gate like others suggested would solve this problem?). This way he knows you are there but he also knows that he needs to get back to bed.

And please give those little cuddles! After all they wont be asking for a cuddle for very long Enjoy while it lasts

P.S Ask your DP to stick up his opinion you know where Would have kicked DH out of the room if he suggested something like that!

pmsl at JaquelineHyde's "Message locked in a room by Mumsnet"