Am I abnormal? I hate being a mum!

[Suze81]

I was a sucessful scientist before having our DS who is now nearly 3. I stayed at home with DS for the first 6 months and DH looked after him until he was 1.5. We then moved to the country and renovated a house and went on holidays. Now DH has gone back to work and I am 6 months preg with No2.

The problem is I really hate being a Mum. I hate being at home all day and night by myself (DH lives 1.5hrs away in the city during the week). I thought there would be coffee and chats with other people, but it is just my son and I 24/5 (2 days with DH also). I have human contact with someone other than my son and DH about once a fortnight.

I am so bored. I miss my friends. I miss working, I miss having money, I miss having places to go and things to do (can't afford to now even if there were). And whats more I don't really enjoy playing with kids, and come to think of it I never did!

Does anyone else wonder why on earth they had children, because I can't remember! My son is beautiful smart and loverly, but OMG does anyone actually enjoy this motherhood crap, because I just want to talk to some ADULTS!

Sadly for me Suze i know just whereof you speak.

Beware though, you may get flamed by people telling you it is 'sad' that you don't enjoy it all.

you clearly need to use your mind. why did you give up work incidentally? Did you have a sort of fantasy of it all working out better?

I'm an academic and used to have fond dreams of sitting working at my desk with the baby playing next to me. Fat flipping chance

ds1's babyhood was the shock of my life. I ended up in full blown depression and ran back to work when he was 6 months to do a phD.

Now the kids are older I find it all easier and have adapted a bit. My 6 year old is great fun and a fabulous companion. i have ds2 your ds's age who is also such a sweetie and I appreciate his surreal conversation and ways much more now than i did.

but quite often on days alone with them I still start ripping my own hair out.

there's a great truth in the old cliche that not all of us are earth mothers.

I feel your pain.I miss being a lawyer but i did make a huge effort to to widen my social circle.I get bored playing with my toddler and ds.Why not put 3 year old in nursey a few days a week

agree with beeny. There is no shame in making time for yourself. for whatever you want to do. MN, gym, reading. if it makes you more patient with him generally and makes YOU feel better then do it.

Tell dh too (presumably he already knows) and work out strategies to help you get more time for yourself.

And perhaps, er, go back to work?

I am glad i can confess that i get bored as well.

i don't think you hate being a mum - I think anyone in the situation you describe would go potty.

Good suggestion about nursery - although you seem to suggest that you may not be able to financially manage.

I am sooo not an earth mother and made a real effort to get out and meet people when I had dd2 after having PND with dd1, maily because i was so isolated. Have you thought about going swimming with little un, gymtots, toddler groups or something like that? Anything to get you out of the house and with other adults. I was hesitant at first, but it truly was the best thing i ever did.

I think it is sad that you don't enjoy it at all but I would never flame you for it. Some people just don't enjoy being at home all day.

Could you move to the city? It sounds like the rural isolation is not helping you.

I was also going to suggest some sort of work - is it an option? Don't beat yourself up over it, we're not all suited to domestic bliss and you won't be any worse a pasrent for making sure that you are happy too - in fact, you will probably find that you appreciate being a parent all the more.

Me too. I love my kids. I'm glad that I am around for them and able to take them to school/pre-school, but boy it's all so boring.

There's only so much housework you can do. I'm not even a really tidy person. I feel let down with being the one that has to wash and cook and clean. But then part time work (and part time is really all that I have the energy for) is not really available in my old career. I really miss working, being in a work environment, looking smart, having money etc etc... I hope things improve once they're both at school.

Try and get out and meet more people though - playgroups/coffee mornings etc. I have met some great people through them though at first it was really difficult.

Agree with cheesy - I love being a mother, but would hate your situation too. You need to find people to talk to and be with on a regular basis. Baby activities can be good for that, if you can cope with the initial tweeness of some of them. I've met some really interesting people through baby massage - was just an ice-breaker, and we Do Not talk abpout children all the time.

Can't you move nearer to Dh's work? I'm also doing someOU courses which keep my mind exercised.

i think it's not so much to do with being a mum as not doing the things that make you YOU. so you need to get back to that. re-evaluate why you're living so far from friends. can you move closer? think about how to get back to work after dc2. try to meet with other scientists who are mums - they must be out there! see the pregnancy as a short term thing. you will start working again, you will have money again.

i was in your boat and now i'm considering dc3 so it can't be that bad!!

Do you hate being a mum or do you hate being bored and isolated? I would hate living in the country and being away from adult company and DH most of the time too. Maybe you should think about whether you would be happier living in a bigger town or the city and and eventually working.

I feel so much better now!
I would love to go back to work, but I actually finished a phD about 9 months ago, and then we went on holidays and now I am 6 months pregnant and there is no work to go 'back to'.
I would also love to move back to the city, the rural isolation is not working out for me. I have to wait until the house (and 20 acres) sells (been on the market for 7 months now!) and then will be moving to the city.
You are correct, we cannot afford nursery plus cannot justify it as there is nothing for me to do in the meantime!
If I could just get a job down here then I would but who would hire someone who is 6 months pregnant (and of course the job would only last for 2 or so months!)
So I am kind of stuck in my present situation.
I'm going to join some more playgroups, so I (and my son) have something else to do!

Also my DH has the idea that one of us needs to stay home. He doesn't believe in any type of child care. I've told him how much I do not like my current life style, but there's nothing really we can do about it.
It's not his fault either because its my parents old house we are trying to sell, so it's my responsibility anyway.
He loved staying at home and feels he is 'missing out' so hard for him to understand my point of view.
He is not a 'people person' and would be quite happy not to have to speak to anyone except myself and our son if he could!

LadyinRadiator, I go to a mothers group once every fortnight. That is my only time with adults other than with my DH and probably once a month with friend in the city. DS plays with other kids at the park etc, but we have never seen the same person there twice, let alone enough time to make 'friends'.
I've only lived in this house for 3 months since we got back from hols and I guess I was just hoping the house would sell and I would join groups at my new house!

Suze81. I loved my year of maternity leave, but would have gone nutso in your position. I am a people person and always will be. Clearly moving back to the city long term is a potential route, but whilst you are waiting to sell the house, find a load of activities to do. My rule was an activity a day (nothing to do with DDs development, all about me having some human contact!), and a meet with a friend a day - ie two contacts a day.

For activities, try:

Swimming classes
Gym classes for you if there is a cheap creche at the gym
M&T groups (fab chatting, free biccies!)
Gymboree type crap
Art - look up Mucky Pups and see if there is a class near you
Drama - try Little Ps or the adult equivalent
Music - Jo Jingles, Monkey Music etc
Local library rhymetime/storytimes
Plus rubbish like baby massage when new DC arrives

And it will give you the bonus of feeling like DCs are getting a benefit as well.

It might cost a bit in the short term (especially if you have to drive a fair way), but in the longer term you will meet a load of people (even if its just one per class) and be able to suggest meeting for coffee etc.

have you looked at getting a free nursery place for when your DC turns 3?

Yeah but he stayed home for over a year with DS while I did my PhD. So now its my turn. Plus I am 6 months pregnant so no one would give me a job, or else he would definately swap!

I don't think it's the role, it's the circumstances. I like being a mum, I love my DS (though must admit I struggled a bit when he was a baby) but I don't know what I'd do if I was at home with him all day. We decided to stay in our small city flat rather than move to the country because we have lots I can do with DS here - go to the park , go swimming, go to playgroups, just go out generally without any planning... He is now getting to the age where he can play happily indoors for some of the day but often it works best when we go out. Even so I don't really get to chat to that many other mums properly (in between chasing DS down, I mean...). I think it works for me because I was able to go back to work part-time, and I'm pretty sure this combination has saved my sanity. I guess with your work area, this would be more tricky - but is there ANYTHING related or even unrelated you could do to keep that 'adult life' side of you happy?

Firstly - from your title, if you hate being a mum, then you really shouldnt have conceived no.2 - I know it doesnt work out the way you planned but really if your feelings are that strong...

If however, you are bored and miserable and fed up with stying hopme all day - then thats normal, we all get like that sometimes, especially when the weather is rubbish. Instead of moping around feeling sorry for yourself (and I have been there), take control, become master of your own destiny! No one is going to come knocking on your door offering to be your friend - you need to get out there - join clubs/playgroups/activities. Set yourself a weekly agenda if you like -

Monday - housework/walk/feed the ducks
Tuesday - errands/playgroup or soft play
Wed - Museum, picnic, mother and toddler
Thurs - crafts/swimming/walk/local library
Friday - shopping/housework/baking afternoon

You need to fill your time or you will both get bored - I get down if I dont have at least one thing planned for the day, even if its just a trip to Tesco.

Also, if money is an issue, how about selling some stuff on ebay, siging up to do mystery shop, selling Avon etc, just to give you a little bit of pocket money to fund day time activites? Could you tutor of an evening once ds is in bed?

You need to get his name down for a nursey as you will 12.5 hours a week free when he is 3

What about a bit of voluntary work if you can't get paid work cos you're pregnant. I do the accounts for a local charity in the evenings, not exactly rocket science but feels like I am doing something that is sort of for me. Keeps the grey cells ticking over.

The boss: I am in Australia so there is no free nursery until 4 (which we call kindergarten).
We have equivalents to most of your suggestions, but unfortunatley money is too tight to do most of them! I really will join some more playgroups though, they are about $2 a session (which is pretty much all we can afford)
My DH is doing a traineeship so is on peanuts!

sorry, just read some of the posts that came in during the long time it took to write that - and see that your DH prefers the idea of one of you being at home. Can also see that job situation won't work out just now with you being v pg, so you need to think what is required outside of doing work.

I think getting out the house really helps - and in the evening, do you get any time to yourself or are you too exhausted by then? If you do get time, is there anything you could do like host a book club, or have friends round??

Sorry, still not had time to read all the above so sorry if all completely useless thoughts, am entertaining DS while I write this!!