Am I abnormal? I hate being a mum!

[Suze81]

I was a sucessful scientist before having our DS who is now nearly 3. I stayed at home with DS for the first 6 months and DH looked after him until he was 1.5. We then moved to the country and renovated a house and went on holidays. Now DH has gone back to work and I am 6 months preg with No2.

The problem is I really hate being a Mum. I hate being at home all day and night by myself (DH lives 1.5hrs away in the city during the week). I thought there would be coffee and chats with other people, but it is just my son and I 24/5 (2 days with DH also). I have human contact with someone other than my son and DH about once a fortnight.

I am so bored. I miss my friends. I miss working, I miss having money, I miss having places to go and things to do (can't afford to now even if there were). And whats more I don't really enjoy playing with kids, and come to think of it I never did!

Does anyone else wonder why on earth they had children, because I can't remember! My son is beautiful smart and loverly, but OMG does anyone actually enjoy this motherhood crap, because I just want to talk to some ADULTS!

OP is in Australia Wombling, so that might not all apply.

Suze - did you say you had grandparents who would look after your DS? Get him booked in with them and get thee out there doing/thinking anything that makes you feel like you again!

Sometimes as with anything (any job/role) it's about finding your niche and finding someone you have something in common with. I am definately a working mum. I don't hate being a mum. But I am totally better at the whole mum/work/life/balance thing if I am doing all those things! So I work part time. Not in a field that I am truly dedicated to, to be honest. But I can drop anything to pick up from school/nursery if I have to and don't feel too guilty. I can still join in with the "guys" at dinner parties (get me!) and talk about policy or whatever, but ultimately I have made my peace with the fact that school/nursery will always call mummy before daddy if no1 or no2 is poorly. I am a professionally qualified HR bod, but I currently do NVQ assessing which I love because it is flexible and remotely related to "what I do". Try to strike a balance and my advice is this, even if work and childcare are just cancelling each other out cost wise, just do it anyway if it makes you happy. Because you being happy makes your children happy. Hope that helps x

Forgot to mention that the added extras of going to work are, getting a coffee and drinking the whole cup while still hot and going for a wee alone....if that doesn't send everyone running back to work nothing will!

You need to get a job! Might be hard if you are 6 months pregnant though.

I love being a mum but I could only "cope" with taking 6 months of each maternity leave - i now work 3 days a week which suits fine (although 4 days also ok). Also DD and DS now at school until 3.20pm each day so I have time for myself, time with them and time at work.

I would hate to be in your situation though, and would resent my children.

suzi 81 i know exactly how ur feeling i am recently a new mum and i hate it.please e mail me at [email protected] if you wanna chat

I don't think it's motherhood - it's your situation.

Your basically like a single mother living in the sticks. You'd have to be a simple soul to find that stimulating!!

I live in a city. Im a SAHM with a 2.9 yr old and a 10 week old. Im out every morning as there's so much to do here and I have met loads of other mums (and the odd SAHD).

This morning is rubbish weather and I have no plans so I have sent our a "are you as bored as me text" and hopefully I will have someone to go out with this morning and my DS will be entertained with their LO.

My point is not to make you jealous as it's now sounding but to let you know you are normal and would enjoy it if it were a different place you lived in with help from DH.

I only know one other mum who loves sitting in the house playing with her DS all day and for the life of me can't imagine how that is possible - she must be lying!!

Can you not talk to DH about it and change something. Where you live or where he works? Is there nothing in the nearby town. Swimming lessons are a good way to meet folk and enjoy some fun with DS.

Look at the situation and see what you can change before you go running and screaming back to work!

Sympathy from me as I would feel the same in your position, however its up to you to manage the situation as best you can.

"Its hard to get myself to go to these things where there are 20+ adults and I don't know anyone" - yes and you're not going to get to know them until you start going.

Go to the library every week not once a fortnight.

Get a temporary job just for a few hours (even if the pay jusrtpays for childcare costs). I also sympathise with no-one having looked after DS except you and close family but if he'll be off to nursery within the next year he'll need to get used to it then. DS started a few hours of nursery twice a week at 3 and he was just fine.

I would put together a plan and then try to knock things off one by one.

Be brave go to the library stroy telling then pick the nicest looking mum there and tell her you're new and ask if she's coming again next week. Easiest way to start a friendship.

I second the advice of everyone else here.

No wonder you're fed up living the life of a single parent with no friends close by and no colleagues. But, at the same time, I think that you need to be going out and finding the things you need in life, not waiting for them to come to you.

Is there an equivalent to the Citizens Advice Bureau in your town that you could volunteer with? Could you join a choir? Art classes? Run Guides / Brownies? Do voluntary tutoring with children? Read with kids in school?

The other thing I'd say is that you need to allow time for friendships and social networks to build up - I moved house and have put quite a lot of effort in over the last 18 months, and now it's starting to bear real fruit.

Just an update to you all.
I have managed to find some playgroups. Mondays we still have nothing on (but every second Monday DH has off),

Tuesdays we go to a "Music and movement class" (in a town 15 min drive away) for DS ($3), and every second Tuesday there is a mothers group in the afternoon.

On Wednesday I have started driving the half an hour to DH's parents house and going to the playgroup there at the local hall. Then we go to the in-laws for lunch. If I could find something to do in there little town for "me time" I could do that, but chatting with the in-laws is nice because its someone familiar (the whole rest of the week is full of Mums I still don't know well).

Thurs morning is a playgroup in the town closest to me (8 min drive) at one of the churches. But this one is my favorite. 2 of the ladies there were new to the area 5 and 3 years ago and one lady recounts that for the first 2 years she "cried everyday" because she felt like she didn't fit in and she would go places and noone would talk to her. She said it is small town "cliques" and most of the people have known each other since high school and don't like "new" people. Made me feel alot better. I also found out that the playgroups around here were very close knit and that is why I had to ring about 30 numbers in 5 different smaller towns up to half an hour away to find the three that I did. A lot of them would say they were "full" but this is apparently code for "we don't want anyone new incase we don't like them" How mean is that?

Friday morning we go to the readings at the library.

So thats our week now. It is better, but I've realised that I am a social butterfly and thats why I really wasn't dealing with it. Even now that we have something nearly everyday, I would still like more!! The play groups only last 1.5 to 2 hours max so there is still the rest of the day to fill. Yesterday we went to playgroup, then to go see the train, then to get lunch, then to the park for 2 hours, and we were still home by 2.30pm! Its just hard to fill the days, but I'm definately trying. I pretty much have morning activities every day, but need to fill the arvo. I'm also hesitant to add too much to the schedual because I am 7 months pregnant now and in 2 months I don't think I'll be as active (with a new-born)!

Thanks for all your help and advice, just thought I'd let you know how I'm doing!

To Grendles Mum

Yeah I get what you mean with time. Most of the activities I have done for 2 weeks now, but I could not imagine asking anyone to coffee afterwoods or anything (after all I have only met them twice). That would come with time. Unfortunately / fortunately, I hope we are not here for very long and that the house sells. Then I will have to start all over again in the city!