Am I abnormal? I hate being a mum!

[Suze81]

I was a sucessful scientist before having our DS who is now nearly 3. I stayed at home with DS for the first 6 months and DH looked after him until he was 1.5. We then moved to the country and renovated a house and went on holidays. Now DH has gone back to work and I am 6 months preg with No2.

The problem is I really hate being a Mum. I hate being at home all day and night by myself (DH lives 1.5hrs away in the city during the week). I thought there would be coffee and chats with other people, but it is just my son and I 24/5 (2 days with DH also). I have human contact with someone other than my son and DH about once a fortnight.

I am so bored. I miss my friends. I miss working, I miss having money, I miss having places to go and things to do (can't afford to now even if there were). And whats more I don't really enjoy playing with kids, and come to think of it I never did!

Does anyone else wonder why on earth they had children, because I can't remember! My son is beautiful smart and loverly, but OMG does anyone actually enjoy this motherhood crap, because I just want to talk to some ADULTS!

Playgroups are GREAT, and will be a great occupier for your older child when you do have your DC2.

Realise that you can be a hell of a lot more isolated in a big country... how far away from town are you? Towns tend to be where councils concentrate money on things for kids - eg library services etc.

Oh Jujubean, I LOVE your suggestion. I could volunteer at an Opp shop maybe.

And geordieminx I have tried to think of ways to earn extra cash, but the best I could come up with was getting a better interest rate at the bank (which I did the other day). I also thought we could have a yard sale, we have some old machinery lying around that is probably valuable! I see your point about DH2. But we wanted someone for DS to play with, and to be honest I think it IS the situation, not the parenthood that is getting to me. I could drop him off at his grandparents a couple of days a week if that was the problem. But then I think - what on earth would I do for those couple of days?

I used to tutor for 3 or 4 hours twice a week, but had to stop when we went on holidays (we went for 3 months). Unfortunatley its not fair on the students if I was to start now because I cannot guarentee I will be around for a whole semester.

Suze you need to find something that you can do regularly for yourself, with other adults, that doesn't involve kids. And your DH needs to support you in this.

Adult phone line operator once ds is in bed???? KIDDING!!!

Don't have a yard sale, sell the stuff on ebay.

You sound a bit like you are putting obstacles in your way. You could tutor, don't let the future or uncertainty in the future stop you doing things now.

Find a club or activity or social group you can join and do once a week once your DH comes home, or just have friends round in the evenings once the kids are asleep. If you don't know anyone locally then start a book group or something.

Have you considered some online tutoring/mentoring of university students? There is a need for help with academic writing and proofreading. (at least there is here in the UK. Australian students may be considerably more literate than the lot I deal with)

P.S. I feel your pain. I went back to work part time when DD was 4 months old because I couldn't stand the isolation.

and I agree with Geordie, you need to get out of the house once a day and do some sort of activity, you shouldn't only have adult contact once a fortnight

Presumably you drive? Could you take this opportunity to explore more of your countryside? See more of australia? Get out of the house every day, it makes a huge difference to you psychologically.

Also, could you do any work from home like editiing or helping students with dissertations/marking exams etc.? Something to keep your mind busy and ticking over with unparenty things?

Numpty,
I am only 8 min drive to the closest town. It has a great library and we go every 2 weeks. My son loves to borrow books and has his own card. AND ITS FREE!
overmydeadbody,
DH would support me, but its really up to me to think of something! He is away all week, so it would have to be on Sat or Sun which is the only time I get to spend with him.
Actually I would be quite nervous to have someone look after my son while I did some activity. He has never been looked after by anyone other than myself, DH or MIL or FIL.

By the way we do get out of the house. Pretty much every day. (We stayed home today and yesterday because we were toilet training). Plus we had a lot of house work and we cleaned out the car today). Tonight we went out for dinner (which I kind of feel guilty about spending the money, but I felt house-bound after 2 days). We go to the library, or to the park. For a walk or to the supermarket. We look around the shops in the nearest couple of towns etc. But these activities do not involve meanful conversation with another adult. Overmydeadbody I have nice friends, but they all live 1.5hrs drive away so they can't just 'come over' during the week.
But you are right I need to be more PROACTIVE about this, and not just whinge on a forum about it! I need to get out there and start a book club, join some groups and find something to do that involves adults.
I think I was just having a rant and its getting out of hand.

Well I was exagerating when I said no human contact.
I just don't really consider, "I'll have the chicken" or "I'd like to borrow this book" or even "Hi" as meaningful contact. Nearly everyday we SEE another adult, but its not the same as having someone to have a proper chat with.

excuse me "exaggerating" this is why I'm not tutoring - I can't spell! hahaha

No-one is flaming you, really they arent.

Most people see where you are coming from, and have been there themselves. We are just trying to suggest some things that may help, and to motivate you a bit.

If you had come on here and said I hate being a mum, I cant stand my son, he's boring etc etc then you may have been flamed.

Once you get into a routine you'll be fine, but you need to set things up now, otherwise it will be 100 times harder when you have a newborn.

I am a master of lists and writing stuff down, so if I am going throught a bored phase I draw up a timetable - or have a proper brainstorm and write a list of things to do/places to go. Its easier if you have a physical list, then on a morning you can just pick.

If you in Aus and the weather is good, pack a picnic and go for a wee drive - see where you end up. My ds is 3 in May, and speaking from experience it doesnt take much to keep them happy - sticks/ball/puddle/water/making a mess/baking/play doh

Good luck!

OK, thanks for all your help. I'll check again tomorrow, but meanwhile I am going to bed. Its 4.12 am here (Chinese green tea DOES have caffeine in it I have learnt - and I can't sleep if I have caffeine!) but I'd better atleast try or else tomorrow will be hell (but its Friday so YAY DH gets home from work)
Seriously, thanks for all the 'adult' conversation. Its been a blast.

geordiemix - its fine, I'm not worried. And I love lists too (but never thought of doing a timetable for my life!) so I can try that too.

Suze - two other thoughts for you.

1. re playgroup, did I see you only go to this every couple of weeks (or is mothers group different)? How about seeing if there is anyone there who you do like chatting to, and arrange to meet on the same day in the week between?
2. my other thought is that part of the reason I go out with DS quite a lot is I'm not very imaginative about how to play with him. I got a book off amazon (the toddler's busy book) and it has suggestions of things to do. Some of these involve exploring things like the way colours interact (eg putting 2 colours of paint at separate ends of a zip-lock plastic bag, then squishing them together to see how the colours mix). Is there stuff like this where you could help your son explore the world a bit, that might help you discover a way of being 'scientific' but with a child's eye??

Hope you sleep well!

It's easy to get into a sort of 'learned helplessness' with this sort of thing. Don't worry about venting, and sometimes all you need is a metaphorical kick up the backside! Or someone to point out really obvious ideas.

I feel for you, I was miserable for the first year, felt very lonely and found it difficult to get motivated.

Will you be doing more antenatal classes with DC2, that could be a good way to make friends.

I think sometimes you just have to accept this is what life is going to be like for a while, but it won't be forever. A lot of my family have said that they made their best friends when their children went to school, so that is something to look forward to. It won't always be like this

And Suze, don't forget that MN is a great place for some adult conversation! Always happy to have a chat!

Suze feel free to rant away here on MN, that's what it's for! No one was flaming you for it.

Sometimes just coming on here and 'talking' to other adults about anything and nothing can feel like human contact.

Agree with bumperlicious, it won't last for ever, this is just a temporary situation while your DS is young and you are preggers, enjoy what you can of this time but focus on the fact that life will change, children get bigger and more fun to interact with, school comes along, and before you know it you have loads of time to focus on you as somome other than a mum again.

What about going to visit dh midweek and having an evening together? 1.5 hrs isn't that bad. You could even take ds to some activity in the day that you don't find in the country and then pootle back the next under your own steam. If you let friends know you're always be around on a certain eve/day then you could also make arrangements to meet up.

Morning everyone.
Yes Heated that was a good sugession, I have been visiting DH during the week sometimes, his room has bunk beds so DS and I snuggle up on one together. Then we do heaps of stuff during the days! He is paying rent though so we don't want to do it too much (I think once a month should be OK).
We fill our days but I was thinking last night and the problem may be the lack of having a schedual. Makes it easy to just do nothing some days.
I'm going to follow overmydeadbodies suggestion and create a weekly timetable and force myself to go do the things on it.
For eg. On Friday mornings they have readings at the library for kids (and of course their parents are there), but we didn't go because we were not awake and ready yet! Its hard to get myself to go to these things where there are 20+ adults and I don't know anyone.
I think I need the push of a schedual to force us to do these things that involve other adults, rather than waiting until 11 or 12 pm to get out of the house and then making up something to do (like going to the park etc).
Thanks for all your help,
And I have really enjoyed this discussion

Suze you may not want to do anything else with children, but I'm new to a town in Australia too, and I am a Guide Leader - it's really interesting and fun.

You meet people (other leaders, parents) and it's pretty social if you want it to be. Plus, if you like outdoorsy stuff there's lots of camping, walking, that kind of stuff.

I take a 11-14 group so not little ones.

Can highly recommend!

I know that feeling, I was terrible for lounging about in my pjs then wondering why I hadn't achieved anything. The best thing is to get up and get ready straight away, otherwise it is hard to get motivated.

I don't know how far you are out in the country, but do you have SureStart Children & Family centre near you?

I recently started working at ours, which has only been open 18 months, and my God I wish it had been there when my DD was tiny.

Contrary to some people's perceptions they don't just help struggling families - they are there for everyone and ours certainly offers lots of groups and activities (mostly free or pay-as-you-go). We have baby signing, sing and rhyme sessions, baby and todder groups, breastfeeding support, dad's groups and baby massage, as well as various one-off events throughout the year and full day care and nursery school provision and a cafe with free interet access. We also have a toy library - so if you have something nearer to you, they might be able to help you find something interesting to play with!

You DS will be entitled to his 12.5 hrs from the term after his third birthday and that goes up to 15hrs per week in September, which will hopefully take the pressure off a bit as baby's don't require so much entertaining (I agree - kids games are veeerrrry boring!).