I'M A TERRIBLE MOTHER BECAUSE....

[Pressureistoomuch]

I'm sorry I'm crying as I type. I have 2 lovely ds but I'm under an enorm amount of pressure. I shout a lot, I cry every every evening, I have panick attack every evening..I'm also a cm who is looking actively for more work as I have a lot of debts. I do my absolut e best to provide for my family, I work full time.

The story is : dh has been promising for 3 years that he will retrain in order to make money. Last year, we took on a new house (rented) with a more expensive rent. It makes sense as I was doing well and that dh said he will be training or earning more money at certain point.

The situation is that I 'm carrying all the pressure on my back and I have to do more than I can as I dont have the choice. We have been living in this aera for 6 years and we love it, we have all our friends here and the ds are in a good scchool but it will look as if we have to move as I cant cope anymore, its too much..

I have suicidal tought every day but I wont do it as I have ds, my precious ds but it is so hard to get up in the morning. Sorry for moping

You are under a lot of pressure.

Would your dh be amenable to you having a serious conversation about things so you both know where you stand realistically re the retraining?

If you are feeling very low and having panic attacks then you need to go and see your GP initially.

p.s. you are not a a terrible mother. You must be exhausted.

Hi onepiece

I saw my gp and I'm antids and I also take supplement and also watch my diet to help with the stress and I dont drink etc..

Last we had the conversation, he said he needed time to think about what he wanted to do for the rest of his life..what about my life ??

I feel exploited and used, am so unhappy..I want to every that is best for my family but I cant cope alone.

This is really hard for you. Do you have any close family/friends that you could confide in?

Is your dh hinting (sorry if this sounds insensitive) that his future plans may not include you and the dcs?

I am a terrible mother, my ds saw me in terrible state..I'm in total panick..I have 2 find 1 contract before the end of the month otherwise we are going to be in big trouble..I cry for help everyday, and my dh answer is I'll do the laundry, I'll do the dishes, I'll do everything I can to help you...its all good but its not going to help our financial situation..He has been bollocking me for 3 years saying he was going to this and that..etc..he did nothing..he thinks his salary is good , yes maybe but not for where we live...Why do I have to cope with the responsability of our choice, OUR choice, not only my choice.. I feel as if I'm punished everyday.

One piece, all my family is abroad and if I tell them about our situation, they say that we should move but it is really scary, we only just moved a year ago...I'm so scared of all this insecurity, instability...

No dh is not hinting at future plans without us well not without the ds, he love them too much..Does he love me ? I'm not sure, I feel more like a slave at the moment so he can have the luxury about what he wants to do for the rest of his life.

Oh you poor thing. Well done for going to your GP and taking the antidepressants, I'm they are helping/will start to help a bit (have you recently started taking them or have you been on them a long time?)

You aren't a terrible mother, you're simply going through a bad patch. Dark times! We all have them. I bet we could all share with you times when we've taken our stresses out on the kids, or felt unable to cope. You have a lot of pressure on you, it's not a figment of your imagination. Your reaction is understandable, so stop beating yourself up about things that have happened. You're doing your best.

What you need now is some outside help. Perhaps you could think about getting in touch with Homestart to help give you some practical and emotional support, and maybe the Consumer Credit Counselling Service for advice on how to gain control of your finances.

Your man sounds selfish, or perhaps just blinkered as to the fact that he isn't the star of the show, that tehre are four lives in your little family and everyone deserves to eb happy, fulfilled, and not living with crippling pressure day in day out.

Does your dh worry about money? does he make any of the phonecalls, sort any of it out? or is it all on you?

Royal - Point taken. Its OUR debt, I take responsabilities. When my ds2 was born I had a good job but unfortunately they refused to take me part time, they wanted ft but we couldnt afford to pay the childcare. So I decided to become a cm as I really like children and it was a way of taking of pressure of dh. I have a really good salary but I have to work more : 2 children plus my 2 every day. dh forgot to pay the credit card last month which means that now they ask a lot from us. It seems that the decision we took, I'm the only one paying the consequences of it. His help at home is not constant. Last year, we had a massive row about it as he was not cooking/ washing the dishes etc..and I was exhausted, his answer was to take me on a holiday so he took a credit card..yes that is all my fault. Dh is only happy when I'm earning more money and sometimes he wishes I could work more that I do. Why if he wants more I have to be the only one to work hard for it ???

james - thanks for the suggestions, I need outside help as I cant cope on my own.

I think depression has blinded you to the reality of your situation. If you want to have more money, and your DH is happy with the smaller amount of money he earns in the job he already does, you are going to have to cut back.

How much pressure do you think must be on him to come home every day to an unhappy wife who wants more and more and more from him? he's NOT responsible for your happiness. YOu are. You need to go back to the doctors, you need to FORCE your husband to see that you need to lower your outgoings. You need to move to a cheaper house. It didn't make sense to move into a more expensive house, regardless of future plans. You couldn't afford it at the time and as a result you cannot afford it now.

Specifically, what do you want him to do that he is not already doing, and why can you not do it instead?

he is project manager

Ok, so he's not realistic. Force him to be. If he is taking out credit cards, he needs to be paying them back alone and not trying to squeeze more money from you to do so.

I dont want more and more and more...I'm just scared, I made friends here, have no family here..I'm no materialistic, I have been wearing the same clothes for years, sames shoes winter as summer. We took on that place because we had to find something in emergency as we have been gving notice from our previous place as the landlady wanted to live back in here..all the places we saw were not suitable for having a bunkbed for exemple...

coldits, your post hurt so much but you are probably right..why cant I do it intead of him.I tought I was doing my best maybe I'm kidding myself

He is the one who said that he wanted to earn more money, I do my best to be independant and reasonnable..the week before last, I have managed to spend only 60 quids on our food shopping, he goes to sainsbo and spend 85 quids...

We both want to stay in this aera as we love it and yes we'll have to move. I wish I could calm down and taking the right decision, all I do is panicking..dh calls our situation a blip, once I get another contract we'll be alright..Is he putting pressure on me or I'm dreaming ??

Maybe he's doing his best?

he's a human being. He's not God.

Your first priority should be reducing your debt outgoings. look here
Your second priority should be finding somewhere cheaper to live.

What, specifically, is he doing that is so wrong? If you put it into black and white, you will either put it in perspective or solidify your worries so you have something concrete to discuss with him.

Totally agree with all other advice given.

One thing you might be able to do to force his hand (and sorry, this is my line of work so it has jumped out me before any of the other points, which is wrong, I know).

You are child minding in a rented property.

Does your landlord know about this? He must know about it as it will invalidate his building insurance if anything happens in the house relating to the children you mind.

The reason I am saying this is (and shit just realised this might not be helping you but making you feel worse) you could use it to force your husband to get off his arse and do it.

If he felt you were going to lose your source of income would this give him a wake up call?

If he's spending more than you can afford then yes, he is putting you under pressure and it is unfair of him.

How about you have 3 accounts. One yours, one his, and a budgeting account. Set them up so an agreed amount is transferred from each of your accounts via standing order, to the sum of money outgoing. Work this so you both have the same leftover money after all outgoings.

Write down your food budget per month, you gas, your electric, your rent, council tax, water rates. Add it up. If it comes to more than you jointly earn, you need to do something drastic.

YOU sort this out so you don't have to sort it out again. Don't rely on him to sort it out if he has no financial nouse.

Instead of putting pressure on each other to do more, earn more, put some pressure on each other spend less.

bigbad - yes the landlord knows about it, we asked first.. I agree with everything you are saying but he is relying on ME to make more money, he is always reminding me that it will be great if I was working this amount...

so reality check him! make it clear that you do not and probably WILL NOT be earning X amount, and basing decisions on a dream-wage leads to bad decisions. Do not make decisions based on something that isn't cold hard cash in your hand.

YOu need a big talk. A proper one, without you weeping and snotting all over him, or threatening suicide, or spreading blame. Something along the lines of "Our life is not sustainable. We need to cut back before we lose everything"

Alternatively, once you write down all income and all outgoings, you may find you have more than you think.

Really so 6 children per day should be the aim ? So I'm not doing ALL I can do ? 2 + my 2 everyday is not all I can ? Is it really what you are saying ?

I take everything on board I do. I think dh and I have a massive communication problem.

I'll have to show him this thread, I'm sure he is going to feel better.

While you at it Royalty, you can say I'm lazy and that I want to scrounge on my dh's back !