I'M A TERRIBLE MOTHER BECAUSE....

[Pressureistoomuch]

I'm sorry I'm crying as I type. I have 2 lovely ds but I'm under an enorm amount of pressure. I shout a lot, I cry every every evening, I have panick attack every evening..I'm also a cm who is looking actively for more work as I have a lot of debts. I do my absolut e best to provide for my family, I work full time.

The story is : dh has been promising for 3 years that he will retrain in order to make money. Last year, we took on a new house (rented) with a more expensive rent. It makes sense as I was doing well and that dh said he will be training or earning more money at certain point.

The situation is that I 'm carrying all the pressure on my back and I have to do more than I can as I dont have the choice. We have been living in this aera for 6 years and we love it, we have all our friends here and the ds are in a good scchool but it will look as if we have to move as I cant cope anymore, its too much..

I have suicidal tought every day but I wont do it as I have ds, my precious ds but it is so hard to get up in the morning. Sorry for moping

Well, if you have vacancies, you aren't doing all you could do, you're just doing all you feel you can cope with, and perhaps have found your natural limit. Maybe your husband is doing all he feels he can cope with too.

It cuts both ways. YOu shouldn't have all the responsibility but similarly you cannot have all the rights. You cannot demand that he works more and doesn't ask the same of you.

I have a vacancy that I have been trying to fill for month and nobody wants the day I have to offer.

I cant cope with more I agree but I have to. Thank you for your perspectives.

Whether or not YOU are prepared to work yourself into the ground to sustain y6our lifestyle is up to you. YOu should be expecting the same from anyone else, and exactly the same could be said of your husband.

I know the utter misery that is financial pressure and you need to REDUCE YOUR OUTGOINGS by any means necessary.

Should NOT, I mean

The thing is we had an agreement, I was to work on my full capacity while he was to gain more specific skills..I heard him saying I'm going to do this and that (its not me who have asked him to do that) but if you dont intend to do anything after all what is the point of talking about it/making plans etc ??? Why shall I work full capacities if oh well actually he changed his mind and he likes the way it is now..its misleading ? no ?

bickering will destroy your marriage. you need to deal with your situation NOW, not with coulda/shoulda/woulda

Yes the outgoings are going to be reduced once we agree on what to cut.

my marriage is almost no more

Oh god, you sound so stressed. I can't imagine looking after more than the 2 I have, with people suggesting you should have more than the 2 extra.

If your DH doesn't have the salary to pay the rent then you need to move or cut down on expenditure. Your DH doesn't sound like he has alot of fincancial acumen.

Sometimes you just can't afford to stay in an area even if you really like it - there are quite of few places I would prefer to live in but can't afford.

After 3 years he obviously doesn't want to retrain, he is happy in what he is doing. If thats his salary and you have yours you need to think this is your total income - what can you afford to rent or buy.

I think there sounds like there is alot more to this with your DH.

Take care

ok at the moment between each other, we earn 3200 K

Rent 1300
Loan 300
Credit card 200
Playgroup 160
Phone 60
Mobile phone 80
Taxes to save 100
Food 350
Electricity 30
Gaz 150
Water 30
Concil 70
Premium 7
dSS savings 20

I dont have the spreadsheet under my eyes as it is in dh's computer, that are the main outgoings afterwards its accumulation on little things like insurance, home, car..

Thanks cranberry, yes there is more, we have young children and a lots of mum on mumsnet and its hard but its life !

I've worked out that you should have £350 a month between you after all those outgoings. Don't tell me you are spending £350 a month on a car.

There is not everything on it as I only remember our main outgoings, I'll have to get a good look at it. Thank you all of you, speaking to you calmed me down and I'm sorry for the drama...Go on how many of you rolled their eyes at my posts..I can take it

As suggested you really need to check what you're spending and what's coming in. If it helps I do all our accounts on a spreadsheet with my income from maternity allowance, DPs earnings, any money from tax credits etc and then a list of outgoings in another column. I always make sure I put a bit aside for emergencies and holidays too.
Once you have all the figures in black and white you can both decide what needs to be done to sort the situation out.
A problem shared is a problem halved. Deal with the income you have, not the potential income either of you might get. Good luck.x

Your mobile phone bill sounds enormous - especially as it is addition to your landline bill, which is higher than mine and I make a lot of calls to Europe and the US and I use BT! I don't pay half that and I make quite a few calls to continental Europe on it. I believe that you can cut that back to about £15 a month - so long as you don't use it to make international calls.

If you are racking that up on pay-as-you-go, then you need to cut back usage drastically - get a cheap phone card if you are making a lot of calls abroad. If you are on a tariff, call the company or walk into the nearest shop and ask them to put you on a drastically lower tariff, with a reasonable but not excessive number of minutes.

You mention that you have a lot of debt. I think that I would cut up the credit card until you have repaid that and have a debt card instead, if you don't already have one.

Finally, the playgroup charge of £160 also sounds massive to me - are there no free playgroups near where you are? Or if you have to take your charges to a very expensive playgroup because that is what the parents want, surely they should pay?

Hope this is helpful. I agree with the others that you need to cut back on expenses as a matter of priority. If you can also raise your income, well, great, but the priority should be cutting expenses.

Oops, cross post! You have written down your accounts. Look fine to me, can't see the problem.

This lady is depressed, she has no family in this country, and she's facing daily pressure. In her op she said she was feeling suicidal, I don't think we need to make her feel worse, yeah?

Op, all marriages have rights and wrongs and they're rarely equal. It sounds like your dh made a lot of promises which he's now decided against. Fair enough but he can't expect you to take on more and more children in the state you're in right now.

I'd imagine that there's a particular kind of exhaustion and stress you get from being a childminder which leaves you frazzled at the end of the day. If you also have to do most of the housework and you can't sleep for worrying, you must be knackered.

It does sound like you need to make some hard decisions, if you haven't had new clothes in years and you wear the same pair of shoes all year round (like me) then it doesn't sound like you can do much more belt tightening. I think at this point you need to look at your options because something has to give - whether you move to a cheaper house, go into a debt management program, or as you say, both or either of you take on more work. Talk it out, make some decisions, do some research ( national debtline is a good place to start) and try to work as a team. Your marriage needn't be over, this is the "for worse" bit!

Hope you're ok, op.

x-posted with about 20 posts so half my advice is probably incorrect now. Bloody real life intruding on my MN time.

160 for the playgroup is my for ds, he goes everyday to drop in playgroup.

James, dont worry, I needed to hear these things. I have to cut down on everything.